Comment from azbukivedi

Excellent

Life lesson in a sonnet - nice. And original - usually sonnets are more abstract and deal heavily with romantic love and nature. And here's "my parents lived with negativity".
Hey, in any case, I am glad you're overcoming these "shortages" of upbringing. It's a very life-affirming poem.

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2009

Comment from mmichelle97219

Excellent

I am not too fond of your rhyme pattern It just doesn't flow right to me. The lines could be bolder, stronger and therefore have more of an impact on the reader. It is almost like trying to knock someone out but you have your hands wrapped in bubble wrap. This is okay, but could be so much better.

Michelle

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2009

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reply by the author on 17-Feb-2009

I'm sorry. I do not understand any part of your review. Not trying to defend the work....just don't understand the review. You mention you're not fond of the rhyme pattern. This is a classic abcb rhyme pattern. And I'm lost on the "knock out". Wasn't trying to knock out anyone with these words. But, we all will never agree! :-)) I do appreciate your very honest review. Always, Sue

reply by mmichelle97219 on 17-Feb-2009

Just to explain my thoughts to you a little clearer. I know we will not always agree, and I mean no ill will or malice with my comments. I thought you had some strong emotional lines, but then you soften them Take these two lines for example

But learning from the ones with heads hung low
And saw no thankfulness in life's good grace

Now take off the coordinting conjunctions and a small tweak

I learned from the ones with heads hung low
They saw no thankfulness in life's good grace

They are more active, bolder, and stronger with just one small tweak. It makes your point hard to ignore, and takes the passiveness out of it. Own the words. Be the master of the verbs.

As for the rhyme pattern it isn 't my favorite, but it is not something I would deduct a point for. I think that if you are going to go AbCb in the first than it should be consistent throughout. For example AbCb AbCb AbCb not AbCb DbEb FbGb.

Not trying to argue or anything, just thought I would be a little clearer. Hope it helps.

Happy Writing
Michelle

reply by the author on 17-Feb-2009

I see exactly what you mean about those passive words. Good points! I'll try to brush up on that a bit. Excellent suggestions that will help me grow.

As far as the rhyme scheme, I thought I was following the typical sonnet form, which can be abcb, defe, etc. Am I wrong there??

I do appreciate your comments and never take a good critique like this the wrong way. Only the ones where they say, "i don't like it" and just take a hike. LOL!!!

Thanks very much for taking the time.
Respectfully,
Sue

reply by the author on 17-Feb-2009

"Master the verbs"!!! Ha! I don't think I'll ever forget that phrase. Not looking for more stars here, but most certainly would value your input, as I have made a few changes. Let me know if you feel they have made it a bit stronger. Once again, thank you for your help. Sue

reply by mmichelle97219 on 17-Feb-2009

It is a much better poem with just a few tweaks. I have upgraded the rating. It deserved it. As for they sonnet rhyme pattern, I am no expert and could not answer it correctly without guessing. We can find out though. there are loads of people on site that are experts (or t least come off as experts). You should post the question in the Poetry section of the forums. Most questions can be answered there.

Actually I think I will post it there. You should check it out and see what sort of answers we get.

Happy Writing
Michelle

reply by the author on 17-Feb-2009

Thanks so much for checking on that and for your review upgrade! I only know for a fact that the English Sonnet is an abab, cdcd, efef, gg. And there are many other sonnet rhyme schemes. So, let's see what the crowd says. :-))

Thanks again for all the time you've put into this.

Respectfully and fondly,
Sue

Comment from Margaret Snowdon

Excellent

This is cleverly thoughtout,
my friend, with a smooth flow
to the words that speak volumes...
- well penned, my friend, a great
entry for the contest.

Good luck,
Margaret.

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2009

Comment from nukrz

Excellent

That is so true, a life lesson for sure! No matter how much someone says we can not succeed it is up to us as individuals to "swim against the tide" and fight for what we know we CAN do.

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2009

Comment from althea777

Excellent

An uplifting poem, which encourages the reader to follow his own drum, not to bend to circumstances but ride the tide of despair through positive thinking.

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2009

Comment from chaswriter

Excellent

Sue - Beautifully written message. You are right that attitude shape one's outlook on life. Be positive and life is worth the hassles and struggles it throws at you. Enjoyed the rhyme and the fluid pace. Well done. Charlie

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2009

Comment from Mrs Happy Poet

Excellent

You have done well in this poem reminding the reader that your life can change and that you can move forward well done good luck in the contest regards Fuller

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2009

Comment from Soulester

Excellent

Good for you for learning from others' mistakes, Sixteezkid, and thanks to you for sharing your message with us. Your poem definitely meets the contest rules in structure and rhyme. Nice job!

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2009

Comment from Alexander E Poet

Excellent

You are right and don't look back, Great poem good message, love the imagery and the thoughts behind it. You done a great job and are a talented poet . There were no errors. No typo's and nothing to change as far as i can see. I look forward to your next one. And Bully for you QQ

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2009

Comment from Diane Marie

Excellent

I really enjoyed this poem and could relate to it so well. It reminded me of how life is sometimes a struggle to be positive especially when those around you seem nothing but negative,yet a negative attitude only leads to hoplesness and unfulfilment. The only way forward is to be positive always even if its difficult sometimes.

 Comment Written 17-Feb-2009