The Homecoming
I'm sorry says it all- if it comes from the heart.35 total reviews
Comment from hvysmker
He had sat in front of the TV without really hearing it, characters flitting about the screen like shadows on the wall.
*** I'd drop the "had" at the beginning.
Maybe unconsciously, --surely unconsciously-- he resented her absence or the cause of it.
*** What's with the ", --"? I'd drop the comma. Also, unless it's changed, in the US, a dash has no spaces around it. Someone corrected me and I had to look it up. It does with the British.
He smiled as he thought of her standing in front a crowd,
*** .....in front OF a crowd.
They were talking about a weekend retreat on The Island off the coast of North Carolina when everything went awry.
*** The Island in capitals? Is there a reason, like it being a proper place name?
That evening, he saw her cell phone, forgotten on the bar.
*** cellphone
Almost thirty-six hours since they had spoken, and now he sat wondering if they had lost it somewhere.
*** Incomplete sentence. They can be used. I'm just noting in, since others will.
Bob, their son, would graduate this year and seemed already foreign to him. He came home only for the Christmas Holidays, and even then, he was out with his friends.
*** It sounds like the narrator instead of Bob came home for the holidays. A little confusing. Maybe start the second sentence with something like, "The boy came home.........?
To tired for conversation and not sure she was up to any,
*** Too tired
Reads good to me, Ann.
Charlie
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2008
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He had sat in front of the TV without really hearing it, characters flitting about the screen like shadows on the wall.
*** I'd drop the "had" at the beginning.
Maybe unconsciously, --surely unconsciously-- he resented her absence or the cause of it.
*** What's with the ", --"? I'd drop the comma. Also, unless it's changed, in the US, a dash has no spaces around it. Someone corrected me and I had to look it up. It does with the British.
He smiled as he thought of her standing in front a crowd,
*** .....in front OF a crowd.
They were talking about a weekend retreat on The Island off the coast of North Carolina when everything went awry.
*** The Island in capitals? Is there a reason, like it being a proper place name?
That evening, he saw her cell phone, forgotten on the bar.
*** cellphone
Almost thirty-six hours since they had spoken, and now he sat wondering if they had lost it somewhere.
*** Incomplete sentence. They can be used. I'm just noting in, since others will.
Bob, their son, would graduate this year and seemed already foreign to him. He came home only for the Christmas Holidays, and even then, he was out with his friends.
*** It sounds like the narrator instead of Bob came home for the holidays. A little confusing. Maybe start the second sentence with something like, "The boy came home.........?
To tired for conversation and not sure she was up to any,
*** Too tired
Reads good to me, Ann.
Charlie
Comment Written 06-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2008
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Thanks. ann
Comment from Zaphod
Alright, this is great. Brilliantly wriiten and a real pleasure to read. Believe you me, I usually can't handle this stuff. If you didn't ask for some criticism I wouldn't mention these, but since you did, the only real minor rough stpots I found were:
Is there a time jump between third and fourth paragraph? If there is, I might suggest a line break. It feels like there might be, or he could be thinking this all at once.
On the line about her cell phone "forgotten on the bar", for some reason I thought she left it at a bar. Perhaps make it a table or her dresser. It might be me but others might pick up on this also.
Other than that I think this is a great piece of fiction. Thanks for using the word fathom. I really like it when writers dig into vocabulary.
Best of luck in the contest.
Z
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2008
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Alright, this is great. Brilliantly wriiten and a real pleasure to read. Believe you me, I usually can't handle this stuff. If you didn't ask for some criticism I wouldn't mention these, but since you did, the only real minor rough stpots I found were:
Is there a time jump between third and fourth paragraph? If there is, I might suggest a line break. It feels like there might be, or he could be thinking this all at once.
On the line about her cell phone "forgotten on the bar", for some reason I thought she left it at a bar. Perhaps make it a table or her dresser. It might be me but others might pick up on this also.
Other than that I think this is a great piece of fiction. Thanks for using the word fathom. I really like it when writers dig into vocabulary.
Best of luck in the contest.
Z
Comment Written 06-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2008
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Thanks so much for the generous review. I'm not so good with fiction, but this was fun to write. I appreciate the suggestions and will make the changes. ann
Comment from Terror2s
This was a contest I created. I actually loved your story. You did a nice job. I created this contest because sometimes I find myself forgetting to include the appropriate actions that should accompany specific dialogue. I thought that if I forced myself to do that it would create more of a visual image for the reader. I am new here, but my contests will usually try to focus on something I want to improve. (This was my first created contest.) Good luck. A very enjoyable read that satisfied the requirements. Thanks for entering.Terror
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2008
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This was a contest I created. I actually loved your story. You did a nice job. I created this contest because sometimes I find myself forgetting to include the appropriate actions that should accompany specific dialogue. I thought that if I forced myself to do that it would create more of a visual image for the reader. I am new here, but my contests will usually try to focus on something I want to improve. (This was my first created contest.) Good luck. A very enjoyable read that satisfied the requirements. Thanks for entering.Terror
Comment Written 06-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2008
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Thanks you so much for stopping by and makes such supportive comments. I like the idea of contests to improve specific weaknesses. ann
Comment from Writewoman
I see why you are top ranked. Great stuff. Riveting story line. Well-defined characters. Your opening paragraph ensnared me. Barb in BC
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2008
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I see why you are top ranked. Great stuff. Riveting story line. Well-defined characters. Your opening paragraph ensnared me. Barb in BC
Comment Written 06-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2008
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Thank you! Such a supportive and generous review from a very good author --I've read some of your stuff so I know from whence I speak! I appreciate your stopping by. ann
Comment from ritareeact3
This is good, a sweet romance between a couple who's been together for a long time and know each other very well. Just a couple of corrections:
unconsciously, surely unconsciously,
perfunctory kiss, that
That evening he saw her cell phone, for...
(Why would someone taking/teaching self help seminars - slam doors and act like that? This question popped into my mind - you would think someone who worked their way up in a company that promotes self-help books would be beyond slamming doors - maybe he's the one who slammed it? Ha! Good job!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2008
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This is good, a sweet romance between a couple who's been together for a long time and know each other very well. Just a couple of corrections:
unconsciously, surely unconsciously,
perfunctory kiss, that
That evening he saw her cell phone, for...
(Why would someone taking/teaching self help seminars - slam doors and act like that? This question popped into my mind - you would think someone who worked their way up in a company that promotes self-help books would be beyond slamming doors - maybe he's the one who slammed it? Ha! Good job!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2008
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2008
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Maybe because we rarely see ourselves as those in need of the intstructions we are so ready to offer to others? Thanks so much for your generous review and important comments. ann