THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Pondria Leaves the Theater"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
23 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Oh, some kind of wicked game here. Whipped away through time in discombobulation for poor Doctrex/Pondria.
Well written and good to see this back on the site once again.
Few bits & pieces for your consideration (or not!)
the whites were stretched to their limit in a sightless, gaping - I'm not sure you need the comma here, or possibly move it to after limit.
I started becoming light-headed - lightheaded can be a single word here.
To much had happened not to be wary - Too.
"No, listen, darling. I'm not the same because you, and our life here, made me different. But you're not the same Doctrex, either, now that you have calluses on your hands and plow-dirt under your nails. Look at us. We're both different.- need closing speech marks here.
I stared at at the one Kyre had fashioned. - delete the repetition of 'at' here.
"Remember how frustrated you were in the beginning, telling me you would never be as good a farmer as Klasco? But after seven years of working the soil, planting and harvesting ...
- need closing speech marks here.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
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Oh, some kind of wicked game here. Whipped away through time in discombobulation for poor Doctrex/Pondria.
Well written and good to see this back on the site once again.
Few bits & pieces for your consideration (or not!)
the whites were stretched to their limit in a sightless, gaping - I'm not sure you need the comma here, or possibly move it to after limit.
I started becoming light-headed - lightheaded can be a single word here.
To much had happened not to be wary - Too.
"No, listen, darling. I'm not the same because you, and our life here, made me different. But you're not the same Doctrex, either, now that you have calluses on your hands and plow-dirt under your nails. Look at us. We're both different.- need closing speech marks here.
I stared at at the one Kyre had fashioned. - delete the repetition of 'at' here.
"Remember how frustrated you were in the beginning, telling me you would never be as good a farmer as Klasco? But after seven years of working the soil, planting and harvesting ...
- need closing speech marks here.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
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Got em. Got em all, G. Thanks for your eagle eye. You're good, man. I was so anxious to get this posted, after the hiatus and all, that I'm afraid I didn't take enough time to edit it. Thanks for doing that for me.
By the way, G. Keep your eye open (or both) for February's Sticky Words Newsletter. I've included a surprise in it. I think you'll get a kick out of it.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
fingers loosed from the rope of the bridge and I began my (loosed--should it be loosened?)
To much had happened (Too much)
Has your night terrors (Have your)
It's so nice to see you here on FS (and to be here myself)
I can't remember if I told you I was in the hospital again last week, but I was and I have a bit of catching up with life to do, but should quiet down so I can read your book Thursday and through the weekend and your first newsletter too. Awesome chapter, my friend~Debbie
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reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
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fingers loosed from the rope of the bridge and I began my (loosed--should it be loosened?)
To much had happened (Too much)
Has your night terrors (Have your)
It's so nice to see you here on FS (and to be here myself)
I can't remember if I told you I was in the hospital again last week, but I was and I have a bit of catching up with life to do, but should quiet down so I can read your book Thursday and through the weekend and your first newsletter too. Awesome chapter, my friend~Debbie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
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Thank you, Debbie. Sorry I didn't do a better editing job. I'll take care of them now. Wow! Back in the hospital. I'm so sorry, Debbie. You are a fighter. I can't think of anyone with more grace and courage.
I do hope you have a chance to read the first newsletter. Just opening it helps my stats with the company that provides the newsletter platform. Also, make sure you read the one I'll be posting in a few days. I sent you a PM on it.
Again, thanks for your close read.
Comment from Sis Cat
Yes, now I get it. I read this chapter as well as reread the first chapter of your Chumash Massacre and the first pages of several best-selling mystery novels. What they all have in common is a density and richness in description. You create a fantasy world and pull the reader in. Your pacing is distinctive. The sensation is like that of Doctrex falling in a night terror, or Alice falling down the rabbit hole. A lot of things are coming at me that are strange, hypnotic, and that force me to question what is real, what is imagined, and what is a "cruel enactment":
This couldn't be. Is it another of Kyre's cruel enactments--part of the play after all?
It has been a while since I read book two of your Trining trilogy, so I am getting re-acclimated to the characters and the plot. I am refamiliarizing myself with the conflict between Kyre and Doctrex:
"You bastard! You killed the only Axtilla I'll ever, I'll ever--"
I don't trust Krye, and yet he is compelling and fascinating.
Your prose is vivid. You create pictures that are tactile. It is as if you put the reader there experiencing these things:
I discovered, clutched in my hands, wads of blue blanket from the tangle that wrapped me in an untidy bundle.
You have a cinematic eye, and Doctrex talk of being a character or a viewer of a play reminds me of your play.
You show a lot of craft in dialogue, character, description and pacing, making for an entertaining read.
I like reading this in the quiet of the evening after the dinner dishes are put away and the TV is off, allowing me to become absorbed in the world you have created.
I found only one spag. Closing quotation marks needed: We're both different.(")
Jay, if I had a six star review to give you, I would have. This is phenomenal work and shows a lot of craft. I look forward to your newsletter and your revised Chumash Massacre. Thank you for sharing and for daring.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
|
Yes, now I get it. I read this chapter as well as reread the first chapter of your Chumash Massacre and the first pages of several best-selling mystery novels. What they all have in common is a density and richness in description. You create a fantasy world and pull the reader in. Your pacing is distinctive. The sensation is like that of Doctrex falling in a night terror, or Alice falling down the rabbit hole. A lot of things are coming at me that are strange, hypnotic, and that force me to question what is real, what is imagined, and what is a "cruel enactment":
This couldn't be. Is it another of Kyre's cruel enactments--part of the play after all?
It has been a while since I read book two of your Trining trilogy, so I am getting re-acclimated to the characters and the plot. I am refamiliarizing myself with the conflict between Kyre and Doctrex:
"You bastard! You killed the only Axtilla I'll ever, I'll ever--"
I don't trust Krye, and yet he is compelling and fascinating.
Your prose is vivid. You create pictures that are tactile. It is as if you put the reader there experiencing these things:
I discovered, clutched in my hands, wads of blue blanket from the tangle that wrapped me in an untidy bundle.
You have a cinematic eye, and Doctrex talk of being a character or a viewer of a play reminds me of your play.
You show a lot of craft in dialogue, character, description and pacing, making for an entertaining read.
I like reading this in the quiet of the evening after the dinner dishes are put away and the TV is off, allowing me to become absorbed in the world you have created.
I found only one spag. Closing quotation marks needed: We're both different.(")
Jay, if I had a six star review to give you, I would have. This is phenomenal work and shows a lot of craft. I look forward to your newsletter and your revised Chumash Massacre. Thank you for sharing and for daring.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 12-Feb-2018
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You are good, Andre! Never--ever worry about not having a six to give me. You give me far more, always. You are fully engaged as you read and that means so very much to me. I keep forgetting, then remembering, then forgetting again about sending you the new PDF. I'm going to do it as soon as I finish this response. I just want to keep writing though to let you know how deeply appreciative I am of you.
By the way, I'll be posting the newsletter in a couple of days, so please DO open it. I think I told you, but I have a surprise for the reader. Actually, I can tell you: I include an audio rendition of the back cover blurb for RSVP. I think you'll enjoy it.
Now, I gotta go. Thank you again, my dear friend!
