This Time - That Time 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "A Family Chat"Veronica is sent back again
38 total reviews
Comment from apky
Hello Sandra,
This incredible story kept me on edge once again. I adore like this story, although it's the first one of its kind that I've ever read. I'm glad I got caught in it.
As always your pacing had a great steady clip to it.
Mildred's hand(delete-')s linked fiercely together
Well done.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Hello Sandra,
This incredible story kept me on edge once again. I adore like this story, although it's the first one of its kind that I've ever read. I'm glad I got caught in it.
As always your pacing had a great steady clip to it.
Mildred's hand(delete-')s linked fiercely together
Well done.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much for letting me know about that apostrophe, it sneaked in when my back was turned! LOL. I love it that you are enjoying my story, my friend, thank you! :) Sandra xx
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I'm always pleased to see your work pop up in my PM box, Sandra- I do so enjoy this story - you never disappoint.
If you're okay for a while[.](,) I'll nip up and have that chat - comma not period
That's two down[,] and one to go. - comma not needed
Blessings,
Margaret
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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I'm always pleased to see your work pop up in my PM box, Sandra- I do so enjoy this story - you never disappoint.
If you're okay for a while[.](,) I'll nip up and have that chat - comma not period
That's two down[,] and one to go. - comma not needed
Blessings,
Margaret
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much for another lovely review, Margaret, and for catching those nits. I've now made the corrections. I'm so pleased you enjoy my story, coming from you it's a huge compliment. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Rasmine
Hello!
Good chapter. I really am intrigued by your ideas. It's so unique and not copying anyone's ideas. I need to do this. I mean I don't copy, but I think I use other's ideas. I don't like that too much. But there is just so many ways to write about a haunted house or woods.
Hey, TC
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Hello!
Good chapter. I really am intrigued by your ideas. It's so unique and not copying anyone's ideas. I need to do this. I mean I don't copy, but I think I use other's ideas. I don't like that too much. But there is just so many ways to write about a haunted house or woods.
Hey, TC
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Thank you, Rasmine! That is such a lovely thing to say. There is always scope for an original ghost story, they're very useful to have around! lol. I used one a lot in the first book. Thanks again, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from rama devi
Oh, Lordy, do I love that Mildred!!
Good chapter, with your usual finesse in characterization and fine descriptive narrative. Pacing is good but could be improved slightly. I suggest adding in simile or metaphor here and there to enhance the prose further. Made a number of spag suggestions, but since I know you'll fix nits, five stars in advance.
NOTES
*Her ashen face accentuating the stunned expression in her eyes.
accentuated (no gerund)
I love how he shrugged off the destruction of his lego creation and just started over again. Kids are so resilient--it's true.
* I could still see the shock in her eyes.
This is fine, but would be stronger if you use a simile and avoid weak verbs like COULD SEE. The rader knows it is in Veronica's POV so anything described is automatically what she CAN SEE.
Using a metaphor and describing what is seen would be SHOWING rather than TELLING.
Example:
The shock in her eyes still blazed, and she looked dazed, eyes round as saucers.
*
Mildred drank the tea,(no ,) and shook her head.
*I put my arm around her,(no ,) and hugged her.
* "If you're okay for a while.(,) I'll nip up and have that chat with Ann while he's quiet."
*
"Weeeell, I 'member he was telling me something,(.)" s(S)he paused as she looked up to the ceiling.
*That's two down,(no ,) and one to go.
*
"Mmm, I think you have something there," James agreed.
Agreeing is not a speech tag, actually. But anyway, better to show than tell:
"Mmm, I think you have something there." James nodded.
* "Go on, I'm all ears," he said quietly.
Rather than pairing a speech tag with adverb, better to choose a stronger verb for the speech tag. Example:
"Go on, I'm all ears," he murmured.
"Go on, I'm all ears," he whispered.
"Go on, I'm all ears," he mumbled.
*
I thought back to all the times I time(-)travelled and occupied Mrs Humphries' and Alice's body, (then) I flopped in James's arms and sighed.
*But that was because I had nothing, or anyone(NO ONE) else to put the blame on.
As usual, I enjoyed this.
Lots of Love,
rd
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Oh, Lordy, do I love that Mildred!!
Good chapter, with your usual finesse in characterization and fine descriptive narrative. Pacing is good but could be improved slightly. I suggest adding in simile or metaphor here and there to enhance the prose further. Made a number of spag suggestions, but since I know you'll fix nits, five stars in advance.
NOTES
*Her ashen face accentuating the stunned expression in her eyes.
accentuated (no gerund)
I love how he shrugged off the destruction of his lego creation and just started over again. Kids are so resilient--it's true.
* I could still see the shock in her eyes.
This is fine, but would be stronger if you use a simile and avoid weak verbs like COULD SEE. The rader knows it is in Veronica's POV so anything described is automatically what she CAN SEE.
Using a metaphor and describing what is seen would be SHOWING rather than TELLING.
Example:
The shock in her eyes still blazed, and she looked dazed, eyes round as saucers.
*
Mildred drank the tea,(no ,) and shook her head.
*I put my arm around her,(no ,) and hugged her.
* "If you're okay for a while.(,) I'll nip up and have that chat with Ann while he's quiet."
*
"Weeeell, I 'member he was telling me something,(.)" s(S)he paused as she looked up to the ceiling.
*That's two down,(no ,) and one to go.
*
"Mmm, I think you have something there," James agreed.
Agreeing is not a speech tag, actually. But anyway, better to show than tell:
"Mmm, I think you have something there." James nodded.
* "Go on, I'm all ears," he said quietly.
Rather than pairing a speech tag with adverb, better to choose a stronger verb for the speech tag. Example:
"Go on, I'm all ears," he murmured.
"Go on, I'm all ears," he whispered.
"Go on, I'm all ears," he mumbled.
*
I thought back to all the times I time(-)travelled and occupied Mrs Humphries' and Alice's body, (then) I flopped in James's arms and sighed.
*But that was because I had nothing, or anyone(NO ONE) else to put the blame on.
As usual, I enjoyed this.
Lots of Love,
rd
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Everyone loves Mildred, I think I'll have to write a book about her, lol. Thank you so much for this lovely review and all the editing you've done. I really appreciate it, as you know. I've made the corrections and changed a couple of lines to show not tell. Thank you again, my friend. Sending a big hug! :) Sandra xx
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Definitely need to keep writing about Mildred.
Big Hug!!!
rd
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
So there are powers controlling all of this time travel, and they are listed in the characters. INteresting idea to explain the situation and also more fodder for a fun story. :)
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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So there are powers controlling all of this time travel, and they are listed in the characters. INteresting idea to explain the situation and also more fodder for a fun story. :)
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Aww, thank you, Phyllis, for the lovely 6 stars, what a lovely lady you are. Yes, the powers that be will be meeting up again in the next part. I'm writing that part now. Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra. xxx
How are you? I haven't asked for a while. How's the breathing and mobility? xxx
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I'm feeling better lately, since I started a new pill from my rheumatologist. The lung problem comes from a rheumatic disease in my spine, as a side effect. I think the pills are helping... noticed it right away. So far, so good. :)
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That's good to hear. I often think of you and wonder how you're doing, then forget to ask. So, I hope you've made up your mind to stick around longer than you thought you would?? xxx
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Guess I'll have to. A friend of mine across the pond wants more stories. :)
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I think I know her, she's really nice! LOL. Yes, you haven't written one of your wonderful short stories for ages, what have you been doing???? Time to stop sun bathing and get that brain into gear!
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LOL! Sunbathing. Yeah, rrrright. I have been putting short stories into book collections. Now have two books finished, all the long ones. Now to do another book of short to medium stories and also write more to fill volume 2. So I'm kind of busy, but I really want to start writing again. I have an idea for a novel, too.
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That is such good news! When you were talking about dying and not having long to live, I was getting really worried about you. Now, you sound more optimistic which is great. So, let's be having some more stories!! xx
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That's when I thought I had COPD. This is different, verrrry slowwww moving accdg to doctors. It will kill me just the same, but not as fast. :)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
Very nice piece once again. I do like this story. Glad to see you paraphrase recaps rather than trundle them out again (a lot of people could learn from this! lol)
Very good pacing.
Mildred's hand's linked fiercely together - hands is just a plural here so no apostrophe needed.
Which backs my new thoughts that, like me, he can do nothing about his situation. - need closing speech marks here.
I stood up and went over to drinks cupboard - over to the drinks... (unless we've gone all Northern here)
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Hi Sandra,
Very nice piece once again. I do like this story. Glad to see you paraphrase recaps rather than trundle them out again (a lot of people could learn from this! lol)
Very good pacing.
Mildred's hand's linked fiercely together - hands is just a plural here so no apostrophe needed.
Which backs my new thoughts that, like me, he can do nothing about his situation. - need closing speech marks here.
I stood up and went over to drinks cupboard - over to the drinks... (unless we've gone all Northern here)
Comment Written 14-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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You really put a smile on my face, G, I'm over the moon that you're enjoying my romp through time. I've made all the corrections. it took me a moment to work out what you meant about going, Northern. LOL, when I read it back I just I had to laugh. Thank you so much, my friend, I truly appreciate your review. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am still really liking this story. You are doing a great job. I can't wait to see how you solve this problem.
Mildred drank the tea, and shook her head. (you don't need the comma)
I put my arm around her, and hugged her. (the same, no comma needed)
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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I am still really liking this story. You are doing a great job. I can't wait to see how you solve this problem.
Mildred drank the tea, and shook her head. (you don't need the comma)
I put my arm around her, and hugged her. (the same, no comma needed)
Comment Written 13-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much for picking those up, Barbara, I've made the corrections! These things seem to slip while my back is turned! LOL. Thank you for the lovely review, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from Ric Myworld
I'm one of those anything is possible types who can find a way to believe whatever you're selling. I mean, why not? We've been on the Moon, to Mars, and some of those giant man-made birds can fly hundreds around the world at one time. I want to run away to "Never, Never, Land" and never grow up, never grow up, never grow up! Shouldn't we all? Thanks for another fine chapter. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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I'm one of those anything is possible types who can find a way to believe whatever you're selling. I mean, why not? We've been on the Moon, to Mars, and some of those giant man-made birds can fly hundreds around the world at one time. I want to run away to "Never, Never, Land" and never grow up, never grow up, never grow up! Shouldn't we all? Thanks for another fine chapter. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 13-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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I'm the same, Ric. Too many things have been invented over the last 100+ years that would seem like impossible to the people in the 19th century, and like witchcraft the to earlier humans. Who knows what they will be doing a hundred years after we've gone? Thank you, my friend, for reading and reviewing, I'm so pleased you are enjoying it. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from royowen
Obviously Veronica is starting to "twig" to the idea that there are "powers" that ate in control of the situation here, and that hopefully, Joe won't inhabit her Michael indefinitely, but then, what to do? Excellent episode, with all scribal guns blazing. Very intriguing process Sandra, great story, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : I stood up and went over to (the) drinks cupboard,
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Obviously Veronica is starting to "twig" to the idea that there are "powers" that ate in control of the situation here, and that hopefully, Joe won't inhabit her Michael indefinitely, but then, what to do? Excellent episode, with all scribal guns blazing. Very intriguing process Sandra, great story, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : I stood up and went over to (the) drinks cupboard,
Comment Written 13-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Yes, Veronica has always thought something or someone was pulling all her strings, but she didn't know for sure, and she won't, either. LOL. Thank you so much, my dear friend, for another of your lovely reviews. I really appreciate you taking time with my story. Big hugs! :) Sandra xxx
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Great story Sandra
Comment from Drew Delaney
You did a great job on this chapter, Sandra. The story is interesting, and your writing is descriptive and easy to follow.
Relief flooded through me--he was fine. This line stopped me for some reason. But I read it over a few times and really can't find anything wrong with it. I am probably just a bit tired to completely concentrate.
Have a great week.
Drew xx
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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You did a great job on this chapter, Sandra. The story is interesting, and your writing is descriptive and easy to follow.
Relief flooded through me--he was fine. This line stopped me for some reason. But I read it over a few times and really can't find anything wrong with it. I am probably just a bit tired to completely concentrate.
Have a great week.
Drew xx
Comment Written 13-Sep-2017
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2017
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Thank you so much for letting me know about that line, I'll take another look at it. This is the type of review we all need because you are the reader and it needs to flow right. So, a big thank you, and another big thank you for the lovely review! Big hugs, my friend. :) Sandra xxx