Hallelujah
You Don't Really Care For Music, Do You?45 total reviews
Comment from kathleenspalding
Very well done Conversation story incorporates many voices with minimal confusion. Flows well and kept my interest. Just 2 suggestions - maybe add the name of who he's talking to at first (Elizabeth?) to make it clearer, unless he doesn't know who he's talking to? Also - for some reason the 'Actually you have very little power' threw me. Maybe just 'you don't have that kind of power.'? Totally up to you. Also, if you submit for publishing, you'll have to change the lyrics to avoid getting sued ;-) That's it. Great job!
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Very well done Conversation story incorporates many voices with minimal confusion. Flows well and kept my interest. Just 2 suggestions - maybe add the name of who he's talking to at first (Elizabeth?) to make it clearer, unless he doesn't know who he's talking to? Also - for some reason the 'Actually you have very little power' threw me. Maybe just 'you don't have that kind of power.'? Totally up to you. Also, if you submit for publishing, you'll have to change the lyrics to avoid getting sued ;-) That's it. Great job!
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Many thanks, Kathleen. I'm happy you read this with interest. I know what you mean about not mentioning Elizabeth early on. I remember having the same thought during the writing and wanting (for some reason) to keep the focus on David while keeping her name in a kind of nimbus. Don't really know why. Sometimes I follow my instincts. Now would be a good time to give it a second look.
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You're welcome. I got that nimbus feeling from it, but it made me wonder if it was Elizabeth that David was talking to, or if he talked to all the girls like that...and I ended up going back over it. Love that she can talk some sense into his ego.
Comment from IndianaIrish
Wow, Jay! I'm so not used to more than one character in an all-dialogue story, I had to go back, and it was all clear from then on. You did an incredible job with using directions in the dialogue to clue the in and out of characters. Loved the inclusion of this incredible song, and the emotion of the fans, Liz, and Jimmy were easily felt. Best of luck to you in the contest.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Wow, Jay! I'm so not used to more than one character in an all-dialogue story, I had to go back, and it was all clear from then on. You did an incredible job with using directions in the dialogue to clue the in and out of characters. Loved the inclusion of this incredible song, and the emotion of the fans, Liz, and Jimmy were easily felt. Best of luck to you in the contest.
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Hey, Karyn. Thanks for reading this and being so kind with your comments. Yeah, you don't have a heckova lot to go on without narrative prompts. Ya duz whatcha can. I'm glad you found it interesting.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I have read a few entries for this contest and your's is the most creative. I can't imagine that it's not going to do well. I have missed reading your work. I'm glad I caught this one.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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I have read a few entries for this contest and your's is the most creative. I can't imagine that it's not going to do well. I have missed reading your work. I'm glad I caught this one.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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I'm glad you got to read this as well. Don't feel badly about reading my past posts (there haven't been that many). Anyone who can teach full time and manage to write a weekly chapter on one novel after another, need no excuses.
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Thank you for understanding.
Comment from Lu Saluna
This was a very good dialogue. Very antagonistic singer and his "lackies" or at least he treats them that way. I really enjoyed the dialogue, it grew to be quite amusing by the end of the piece. Turns out David is a little insecure after all.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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This was a very good dialogue. Very antagonistic singer and his "lackies" or at least he treats them that way. I really enjoyed the dialogue, it grew to be quite amusing by the end of the piece. Turns out David is a little insecure after all.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Lu, for reading this. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yes, David was quite insecure.
Comment from Bill Schott
This dialogue-only story, Hallelujah, gets a little thick in the beginning with three voices, two being sarcastic. After it's completed, and read again, the characters and their personalities are quite apparent. I love how you slowly 'dress down' David from his bravado and self-assured attitude, through his handler's redirection of who is actually in charge. It is also a bit sad to realize that The King is an animated gimmick, and possibly a one-trick pony. I am, after this third assessment, amazed at how you created these real people for me out of some dialogue. Super.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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This dialogue-only story, Hallelujah, gets a little thick in the beginning with three voices, two being sarcastic. After it's completed, and read again, the characters and their personalities are quite apparent. I love how you slowly 'dress down' David from his bravado and self-assured attitude, through his handler's redirection of who is actually in charge. It is also a bit sad to realize that The King is an animated gimmick, and possibly a one-trick pony. I am, after this third assessment, amazed at how you created these real people for me out of some dialogue. Super.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Bill, if there is anything to compete with your writing skills, it's the astuteness of your reviews. I'm glad you got through the "thickness" in the beginning and saw how it contributed to the ending. And overall, you found it enjoyable. Thanks!
Comment from His Grayness
This area of writing style is relatively new to me so I appreciate the good lesson being delivered here. This author has demonstrated very often that he has a solid grip on this (and many other) writing styles and while I cannot offer anything to improve this work in any way, I do indeed thank the author for another fine lesson and example of this style. HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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This area of writing style is relatively new to me so I appreciate the good lesson being delivered here. This author has demonstrated very often that he has a solid grip on this (and many other) writing styles and while I cannot offer anything to improve this work in any way, I do indeed thank the author for another fine lesson and example of this style. HIS GRAYNESS; Vance
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Vance, you are always the consummate gentleman. Thank you so much for your review and your elevating it, in your estimation, to a higher level. It means so much to me.
Jay
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I'm impressed, Jay - it couldn't have been easy
writing dialogue only with more than two
characters - it's excellent and was easy to follow.
A treat to see you posting.
Good luck with the contest, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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I'm impressed, Jay - it couldn't have been easy
writing dialogue only with more than two
characters - it's excellent and was easy to follow.
A treat to see you posting.
Good luck with the contest, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Thanks, Margaret. I'm happy you enjoyed this. It had its challenges, but was fun to write.
Comment from humpwhistle
An interesting scene, and two(?) interesting main characters.
Still, Jay, I got confused when the ancillary characters chimed in.
I found them distracting (don't you hate that phrase?).
I found myself trying to fill in the stage direction.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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An interesting scene, and two(?) interesting main characters.
Still, Jay, I got confused when the ancillary characters chimed in.
I found them distracting (don't you hate that phrase?).
I found myself trying to fill in the stage direction.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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It's a thrill to have you read my stuff, Lee. I know exactly what you mean by wanting to fill in stage direction. I needed the one guy to help transition the scene to the stage (though the reader can only surmise he gets there. And I needed the milquetoast June to counterpose King David's ego. But it subjected the post to the risk of adding distracting elements. Thanks for the observation, Lee.
Comment from mbroyles2
Great dialogue only story.
It took me awhile to realize he was blind, but it sure made sense.
I love that song by the way. The first time I heard it was in the movie "The Watchmen"
Not easy pulling dialogue only with more than two people, but this was done masterfully.
Great job!
Michael
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Great dialogue only story.
It took me awhile to realize he was blind, but it sure made sense.
I love that song by the way. The first time I heard it was in the movie "The Watchmen"
Not easy pulling dialogue only with more than two people, but this was done masterfully.
Great job!
Michael
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Michael, thanks for your kindness and observations. I appreciate you.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jay,
good interplay with the dialogue here. Easy enough to follow when other people joined and left.
I have t admit to getting a little confused with the switch between Jimmy and David in the beginning but it worked out fine.
Come here, Let Uncle Dave - let.
My sun glasses. Slowly I remove them - sunglasses?
All the best
G
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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Hi Jay,
good interplay with the dialogue here. Easy enough to follow when other people joined and left.
I have t admit to getting a little confused with the switch between Jimmy and David in the beginning but it worked out fine.
Come here, Let Uncle Dave - let.
My sun glasses. Slowly I remove them - sunglasses?
All the best
G
Comment Written 05-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2017
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So happy you enjoyed this, G. I can understand the confusion between Jimmy and David. Elizabeth used "Jimmy" as a contrast to "King David" and a reminder of 1) where he came from, 2), how dependent he is on her, and 3) because she knew it got under his skin. I took care of the nit ... thanks for pointing it out. Time will tell if it makes the initial cut and gets to the judges.