THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "The Dog That Rhuether Kicks"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
41 total reviews
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Jay,
I read through this Trining chapter. I am enjoying the odd dinner, trying to figure out what is going to happen, waiting for the next surprise to show up, or maybe not, we'll see. If Glnot is all surface level or if he's got some surprises hiding, or if Axtilla has a surprise hiding, or if ... I don't know. I figure something's going to pop out of the cake at some point, and am trying to keep my eye open for clues which way things will fall. This chapter I was distracted by a few sentences, but the dialogue was easy to follow, and dinner and Chiel and Axtilla. Nice descriptions of the food. I remember that there was food and it sounded yummy.
Axtilla stiffened and pulled back from him. "It is enough," she said, biting down hard on the last word, "(for?)For us to toast the Kabeezan Army's General
I let my eyes shift to the right, to Chiel, against the wall by the door. (I think this shorthand looks a little sloppy. Maybe I'm just hung-over today, so that my emotional stop here to feel kind of sad about there being no verb in the dangling modifier... I think you like it that way, though. There's no verb. I thought things like:
to Chiel, who was leaning against the wall by the door.
to Chiel, noting him against the wall...
to Chiel, him standing against the wall...
I (had)? just raised my second piece of meat on the end of my fork when a shattering of glass against tile jerked me away from my target.
(because otherwise I wondered if it was a response. What did you do? Well. I just raised my glass. Had sort of hints that more is coming.
Axtilla gave me a quick, unsmiling glance and looked away.
(Are they going to poison him now... I wondered.)
Rhuether perked up a bit when Chiel returned with the dessert, scooped into three separate bowls sitting above stems and bases, like Champagne glasses.
(Paused here... when I saw the comma... I expected Chiel to do more than scoop... ??? Lucy smiled when Ralph returned with dessert, scooped into three bowls, and placed them before each person. I think this sentence goes a little out of control, might be trying to do to much, or is skipping steps then getting side tracked with describing bowls when the actions... recheck this sentence.)
Playing her role to the hilt, she had him taste two places on her dessert[,] and sip the coffee and the brandy before she released him. (I understand why you added that comma, but I still think you are separating ... Maybe my problem is I see this sentence mathematically? I see: Introductory element, she had him THIS and THAT before she did MORE. Where THAT = Sip Coffee and Brandy.
She had him run, and jump. == No.
She had him run and jump.
She had him run and jump before she released him.
She had him run in place and jump over a dog and then a cat before she released him.
That's why I'm suggesting no comma. Kind of thinking the 'then' might make it clear he wasn't sipping the coffee and brandy at the same time, but that's not really a big deal as I didn't have that concern until it was a dog and a cat.
----------------------------
He gathered the loose items on the table, placed them on the tray, and hoisting it onto his shoulder, left the room.
(Hmmmm. Is he really able to leave the room while hoisting the tray? Does it take him the entire time to hoist? He left the room, hoisting the tray on his shoulder. Or he left the room with the tray hoisted on his shoulder?
--placed them on the tray, hoisted it onto his shoulder, and left the room.
== straight forward. That's just something to consider)
Axtilla's toe searched out my ankle, then with exquisite slowness, (she) raised it up the outside of my calf to my knee, across it and down the inside to my ankle.
(This doesn't makes sense. What is 'it'? Her toe? Axtilla's toe is the subject of the sentence. You need She to clarify it is Axtilla who is raising her toe. If you don't want the she... then don't use the 'it', but then there are other problems.)
(I still think it's Glnot who's playing footsie. Maybe not, but it amuses me to think so. Until it's clear otherwise. That's the danger of footsie.)
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015
  |
Hi, Jay,
I read through this Trining chapter. I am enjoying the odd dinner, trying to figure out what is going to happen, waiting for the next surprise to show up, or maybe not, we'll see. If Glnot is all surface level or if he's got some surprises hiding, or if Axtilla has a surprise hiding, or if ... I don't know. I figure something's going to pop out of the cake at some point, and am trying to keep my eye open for clues which way things will fall. This chapter I was distracted by a few sentences, but the dialogue was easy to follow, and dinner and Chiel and Axtilla. Nice descriptions of the food. I remember that there was food and it sounded yummy.
Axtilla stiffened and pulled back from him. "It is enough," she said, biting down hard on the last word, "(for?)For us to toast the Kabeezan Army's General
I let my eyes shift to the right, to Chiel, against the wall by the door. (I think this shorthand looks a little sloppy. Maybe I'm just hung-over today, so that my emotional stop here to feel kind of sad about there being no verb in the dangling modifier... I think you like it that way, though. There's no verb. I thought things like:
to Chiel, who was leaning against the wall by the door.
to Chiel, noting him against the wall...
to Chiel, him standing against the wall...
I (had)? just raised my second piece of meat on the end of my fork when a shattering of glass against tile jerked me away from my target.
(because otherwise I wondered if it was a response. What did you do? Well. I just raised my glass. Had sort of hints that more is coming.
Axtilla gave me a quick, unsmiling glance and looked away.
(Are they going to poison him now... I wondered.)
Rhuether perked up a bit when Chiel returned with the dessert, scooped into three separate bowls sitting above stems and bases, like Champagne glasses.
(Paused here... when I saw the comma... I expected Chiel to do more than scoop... ??? Lucy smiled when Ralph returned with dessert, scooped into three bowls, and placed them before each person. I think this sentence goes a little out of control, might be trying to do to much, or is skipping steps then getting side tracked with describing bowls when the actions... recheck this sentence.)
Playing her role to the hilt, she had him taste two places on her dessert[,] and sip the coffee and the brandy before she released him. (I understand why you added that comma, but I still think you are separating ... Maybe my problem is I see this sentence mathematically? I see: Introductory element, she had him THIS and THAT before she did MORE. Where THAT = Sip Coffee and Brandy.
She had him run, and jump. == No.
She had him run and jump.
She had him run and jump before she released him.
She had him run in place and jump over a dog and then a cat before she released him.
That's why I'm suggesting no comma. Kind of thinking the 'then' might make it clear he wasn't sipping the coffee and brandy at the same time, but that's not really a big deal as I didn't have that concern until it was a dog and a cat.
----------------------------
He gathered the loose items on the table, placed them on the tray, and hoisting it onto his shoulder, left the room.
(Hmmmm. Is he really able to leave the room while hoisting the tray? Does it take him the entire time to hoist? He left the room, hoisting the tray on his shoulder. Or he left the room with the tray hoisted on his shoulder?
--placed them on the tray, hoisted it onto his shoulder, and left the room.
== straight forward. That's just something to consider)
Axtilla's toe searched out my ankle, then with exquisite slowness, (she) raised it up the outside of my calf to my knee, across it and down the inside to my ankle.
(This doesn't makes sense. What is 'it'? Her toe? Axtilla's toe is the subject of the sentence. You need She to clarify it is Axtilla who is raising her toe. If you don't want the she... then don't use the 'it', but then there are other problems.)
(I still think it's Glnot who's playing footsie. Maybe not, but it amuses me to think so. Until it's clear otherwise. That's the danger of footsie.)
Comment Written 07-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015
-
Geez, you are a bloody genius, hangover or not. I made the changes you suggested. See below, if you can take a moment.
See if this sounds better:
Rhuether perked up a bit when Chiel returned with the dessert which was scooped into three separate bowls, each sitting above a stem and base, like a Champagne glass. The mound of dessert appeared to be a sort of baked, white pudding?baked because of the steam that wafted off the surface. A pink sauce was drizzled over each.
Playing her role to the hilt, she had him taste two places on her dessert[,] and sip the coffee and the brandy before she released him. (I understand why you added that comma, but I still think you are separating [I followed your suggestion because it looks to work either way. What is so frustrating to me, though, is this: for commas I need rules. Tell me, isn?t there a good source that gives the ?never deviate from? rules for commas. That way I will know that any other suggested change is based on ?creativity?, with no absolute right or wrong. As I explained to Tessa the other day (who loves her Turtle?as do I), what I do now is finish a post in a minimalist fashion, stand back with a handful of commas and hurl them at the screen. That?s how I feel. For every comma I remove (at the request of a respected reviewer) I get another reviewer who comes along and says, ?Um, you really need to add a comma there.? I?m frustrated. Thanks for listening ....]
Does this make more sense: Axtilla?s toe searched out my ankle, then with exquisite slowness, she raised her toe up the outside of my calf to my knee, skimmed across it with her heel and travelled down the inside to my ankle. [Before I added the ?heel? I had her skimming across his knee (the assumption being it was still her toe, which would make her a contortionist.]
Bless you, TUrtle.
-
I do feel your frustration. I've actually been wide-eyed at some of the commas in the last couple posts going... wha? Sooo many commas. : 0 Why? ... interrupts...I guess... okay, I could consider them as interrupts.
If it ain't looking like actual comma abuse, I keep moving. But some of them-- I trip over some of them harder than others.
When I suggest a comma add or delete, I try to back it up with a rule in mind, try to explain why, 'cause I'm an avid believer of not making blind changes, those will leave you adding and deleting over and again.
(I like this resource for commas:)
https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/owlprint/607/
You seem to break comma abuse rule #13 a bunch... and I try to edge that rule for 'artistic effect' in which the pause works for a good effect or a bad effect. Many times the effect is bad in breaking that rule #13 when it leaves me expecting something that isn't coming.
Rhuether perked up a bit when Chiel returned with the dessert which was scooped into three separate bowls, each sitting above a stem and base, like a Champagne glass. The mound of dessert appeared to be a sort of baked, white pudding?baked because of the steam that wafted off the surface. A pink sauce was drizzled over each
(better, but... thinking:
Rhuether perked up a bit when Chiel returned with the dessert which had been?(Clarify... did Chiel scoop them before they arrived? if yes... had been, if no.... which he) scooped into three separate bowls, each sitting above a stem and base, like a Champagne glass. The mound of dessert appeared to be a [sort of](partially)? baked, white pudding?(--)baked because of the steam that wafted off the surface.
oops. I think I missed this before as I focused on the confusion with 'it'.. the shift in subject making this maybe more appropriate for two sentences instead of one...
I'm trying to envision what is happening, but the heel... I don't understand how her heel can skim his knee. She is sitting across from him, right? or next to him?
If she is next to him, I can see toe up calf... heel down front of leg.
If she is across from him, I can see toe up calf, toe down calf on other side easier than toe up calf, heel across knee, heel down leg. Her toes would have to be pointing back to have heel across knee.
Axtilla?s toe searched out my ankle,(; or .) then with exquisite slowness, she raised her toe up the outside of my calf to my knee, skimmed across it with her heel and travelled down the inside to my ankle.
(it comes off as 'knee' and heel to knee works if she is next to him.)
What I would suggest, though:
Axtilla's toe searched out my ankle; then with exquisite slowness, she
-
I think I'll have Axtilla just go for the crotch and avoid all the toe-heel problem, LOL. She is across from him. I'll have to take a close look at that. Meanwhile, I'll check rule #13. Also the site itself in a broader way. Thanks, Turtle for ALL you do.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay,
I liked this chapter about
GLNOT RHUETHER unexpected rude ways,
especially at the dinner table to me which I don't understand why? He said to CHIEL
You fool! What is this? Do you expect me to eat this (garge) (SP) swill
I see that AXTILLA is getting real friendly with Doctrex.
Gert
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015
 |
Hello Jay,
I liked this chapter about
GLNOT RHUETHER unexpected rude ways,
especially at the dinner table to me which I don't understand why? He said to CHIEL
You fool! What is this? Do you expect me to eat this (garge) (SP) swill
I see that AXTILLA is getting real friendly with Doctrex.
Gert
Comment Written 07-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015
-
Rhuether was simply trying to flex his muscles with Chiel. Thanks so much for the six!
-
Now I understand now
Gert
Comment from Eigle Rull
I sure hope Axtilla's foot action doesn't get them into trouble with the beast at the table. What a jerk to treat someone that way. The story continues to be interesting and hold my attention with this chapter. As always, the dialog is superb as is the descriptions. Best wishes to you, my good friend.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
|
I sure hope Axtilla's foot action doesn't get them into trouble with the beast at the table. What a jerk to treat someone that way. The story continues to be interesting and hold my attention with this chapter. As always, the dialog is superb as is the descriptions. Best wishes to you, my good friend.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 06-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
-
So glad you?re enjoying this novel, Elgie. Personally, I?ll be so glad when I can put it behind me. It?s been close to three years on it and the characters have hold of me and won?t let go! Eeeeekk!
Comment from c_lucas
An egomaniac needs to test his power to remind others who he is. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
|
An egomaniac needs to test his power to remind others who he is. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
-
Thank you, Charlie for your review. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Dashjianta
Glnot's behaviour is getting erratic, as he appears to be caught between impressing Doctrex and being himself. It also looks like Axtilla has a degree of influence over him when she gets him to back down over the toast. The glimpses Doctrex got of Chiel's real emotions suggest Doctrex might have an ally there.
Suggestions:
Axtilla stiffened, and pulled back from him.
--Delete comma.
That I would toast this man who is also sworn enemy to the Kyreans, would make
--There's something about all the 'would's that's making me stumble (two here and two preceding). Maybe change the opening of this sentence to 'For me to toast' to eliminate one?
and her jaws clamped.
--I know this is technically correct (upper and lower jaw) but on first read I had the image of more than one mouth. Probably just me.
While they glared
--New paragraph here, because you switch from their stares to Doctrex's action?
I'd had only a few pieces of fruit since waking from my coma.
--Do you need to say this? In book terms, rather than FS chapter terms, has enough time passed since he woke to need the reminder?
I('d) just raised my second piece
--I wouldn't normally suggest adding 'had' but I missed it here.
garge
--Not a term I'd heard before. Would it be too modern for Glnot?
a celebration of a (the?) new spirit of cooperation we had pledged earlier.
There was an instant(,) just before he realized I was watching him,
his face. I made sure my face
--Pickey time: is there any way to avoid the repeat of 'face'?
His neck and head sagged toward the floor. His bear-like broad back and wide shoulders rose and fell with his breath.
--Make into one sentence to avoid the repeat of 'His...' to start the sentences?
When Doctrex says "Yes, Almighty Master," in reply to Glnot's "And for you as well, Doctrex ...?", I assumed it he was saying yes to a fresh plate, but when Glnot replies with "Your food was all right?" and "Would you like Chiel to at least get you some warmer meat?", the 'yes' seems to have been taken as a negative. Should that initial "Yes, Almighty Master," be a question? Or a 'no'?
Rhuether picked at his, and moved his vegetables around the plate with his fork.
--delete the comma.
A pink sauce (was) drizzled over each.
--Or join to previous sentence with 'with'.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
|
Glnot's behaviour is getting erratic, as he appears to be caught between impressing Doctrex and being himself. It also looks like Axtilla has a degree of influence over him when she gets him to back down over the toast. The glimpses Doctrex got of Chiel's real emotions suggest Doctrex might have an ally there.
Suggestions:
Axtilla stiffened, and pulled back from him.
--Delete comma.
That I would toast this man who is also sworn enemy to the Kyreans, would make
--There's something about all the 'would's that's making me stumble (two here and two preceding). Maybe change the opening of this sentence to 'For me to toast' to eliminate one?
and her jaws clamped.
--I know this is technically correct (upper and lower jaw) but on first read I had the image of more than one mouth. Probably just me.
While they glared
--New paragraph here, because you switch from their stares to Doctrex's action?
I'd had only a few pieces of fruit since waking from my coma.
--Do you need to say this? In book terms, rather than FS chapter terms, has enough time passed since he woke to need the reminder?
I('d) just raised my second piece
--I wouldn't normally suggest adding 'had' but I missed it here.
garge
--Not a term I'd heard before. Would it be too modern for Glnot?
a celebration of a (the?) new spirit of cooperation we had pledged earlier.
There was an instant(,) just before he realized I was watching him,
his face. I made sure my face
--Pickey time: is there any way to avoid the repeat of 'face'?
His neck and head sagged toward the floor. His bear-like broad back and wide shoulders rose and fell with his breath.
--Make into one sentence to avoid the repeat of 'His...' to start the sentences?
When Doctrex says "Yes, Almighty Master," in reply to Glnot's "And for you as well, Doctrex ...?", I assumed it he was saying yes to a fresh plate, but when Glnot replies with "Your food was all right?" and "Would you like Chiel to at least get you some warmer meat?", the 'yes' seems to have been taken as a negative. Should that initial "Yes, Almighty Master," be a question? Or a 'no'?
Rhuether picked at his, and moved his vegetables around the plate with his fork.
--delete the comma.
A pink sauce (was) drizzled over each.
--Or join to previous sentence with 'with'.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
-
Most every change you suggested I made, Alex. Such a keen set of eyes. As far as commas go, as I explained to Tessa, just before I post I stand back with a handful and toss them at the screen. The always seem right when I edit before my post. Likewise when anyone shows me where one belongs or where one should be removed, I look at it and say, ?Of course! Why didn?t I see that?? I can?t continue to go by feeling. I need a source, at least that gives me the ironclad ?Do?s and Don?ts? about commas.
I changed the toast beginning to ?For US to toast (You suggested ME to toast, but both Rhuether and Axtilla were mentioned in what followed). The change though was needed and was perfect. Thanks.
and her jaws clamped. [I don?t think it?s just you. I can see it both ways, thank you. I couldn?t before, but now I can.(Kind of like the song you can?t get out of your head). But since ?jaws? is correct, I guess we?ll both have to live with it ... unless you can think of a replacement.]
I'd had only a few pieces of fruit since waking from my coma. [I?ll give some thought to removing this. To me it seemed like forever, since the writing of it is even more protracted than the reading of it.
garge --Not a term I'd heard before. Would it be too modern for Glnot? You?re the second to mention this. It was invented like the crossan for horse. I?m not in love with it and can leave it at simple swill if you think it will prevent a slow-down of reading.
Pickey time: is there any way to avoid the repeat of 'face'? [Piece of cake! I replaced the second ?my face? with ?mine?. See how smart I am?
His neck and head sagged toward the floor, and his bear-like broad back [Combined them. Is comma still necessary there?
?Yes, Almighty Master,? I said. [It was a tiny error you picked up on, Alex. Only one word. I meant to change it to ?no?. It originally had an entirely different dynamic and ?yes? would have applied. But when I changed it around I forgot to change ?Yes? to ?No.? Why didn?t everyone see that? Margaret, Tessa Kay and Robert Fox all passed it by, and they are also close readers. THANK YOU for picking up on it.
I added the ?was? before drizzling the pink sauce on the mystery dessert.
-
If I knew of a one stop comma shop I'd share it, but haven't found one yet. I tend to wait until I find a comma I'm iffy about and google "comma with and" (or whatever) and hope one of the results that come up makes sense. (I've pondered making one, but it'd be a project for the new year, after book 2 edit is done.)
Garge--what if, rather than take it out, you had Doctrex puzzle over the word for a second, whilst his mind translates it (err, my turn for forgetfulness. I can't remember the term you used for the way they pick up new languages). Or--needing more work, but a better option because it won't affect the flow in this scene--introduce the word sooner, when he's with the army, in one of the scenes when he's observing the troops, and that way you can work the meaning in at the time, and it won't trip the reader up here. Adds another level of depth to the world if they have their own colourful language.
His neck and head sagged toward the floor, and his bear-like broad back [Combined them. Is comma still necessary there?
--Yes. 'His neck and head' are the subject in the first part and 'his back' in the second, so comma needed.
Glad I could help!
Comment from Tessa Kay
This chapter made me hungry. I would've loved to try that dessert.
-Axtilla stiffened(no comma) and pulled back from him
-for the first time,(comma) and her eyes seemed to blaze
-While Chiel skittered around the table, raking shards of glass into a pile, mopping up sauce and bits of vegetable - he can't skitter and rake and mop at the same time - no -ing construction. While...table, raked shards.. and mopped...., R turned to me.
-dropped to his knees(no comma) and once more separated
-Was this why his eyes were downcast and he busily tried to iron out a wrinkle in the tablecloth with his fingertips. - This is such a natural thing to do, to try and interpret other people's movements. It makes the narrator's voice real / life-like. Nice touch. :)
-Something else replaced it I came close to identifying, but not quite - missing punctuation?
-set it down, placing a fresh napkin and silverware beside it - I stopped at the simultaneous -ing construction again. Setting down the plate and at the same time placing fresh napkin and silverware beside it? See what you think.
-unsmiling glance(no comma) and looked away.
-while Rhuether picked at his(no comma) and moved his vegetables around the plate with his fork.
-A pink sauce drizzled over each - can't be sure, but isn't it the person that drizzles the sauce, not the sauce that drizzles? Will have to google that, before I get all drizzly.
-Finally, Chiel returned to Rhuether - that's exactly how I felt, 'finally'. Are you sure you need every step of Chiel in detail? Too much detail, though true to life, can slow down the story. I found myself here wanting to get on with the story, never mind all the things Chiel has to do. Maybe that's just me.
I'm going to go to the fridge now and get myself some chocolate. :)
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
|
This chapter made me hungry. I would've loved to try that dessert.
-Axtilla stiffened(no comma) and pulled back from him
-for the first time,(comma) and her eyes seemed to blaze
-While Chiel skittered around the table, raking shards of glass into a pile, mopping up sauce and bits of vegetable - he can't skitter and rake and mop at the same time - no -ing construction. While...table, raked shards.. and mopped...., R turned to me.
-dropped to his knees(no comma) and once more separated
-Was this why his eyes were downcast and he busily tried to iron out a wrinkle in the tablecloth with his fingertips. - This is such a natural thing to do, to try and interpret other people's movements. It makes the narrator's voice real / life-like. Nice touch. :)
-Something else replaced it I came close to identifying, but not quite - missing punctuation?
-set it down, placing a fresh napkin and silverware beside it - I stopped at the simultaneous -ing construction again. Setting down the plate and at the same time placing fresh napkin and silverware beside it? See what you think.
-unsmiling glance(no comma) and looked away.
-while Rhuether picked at his(no comma) and moved his vegetables around the plate with his fork.
-A pink sauce drizzled over each - can't be sure, but isn't it the person that drizzles the sauce, not the sauce that drizzles? Will have to google that, before I get all drizzly.
-Finally, Chiel returned to Rhuether - that's exactly how I felt, 'finally'. Are you sure you need every step of Chiel in detail? Too much detail, though true to life, can slow down the story. I found myself here wanting to get on with the story, never mind all the things Chiel has to do. Maybe that's just me.
I'm going to go to the fridge now and get myself some chocolate. :)
Comment Written 06-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
-
I?ll have to defer for a time on the skittering while doing other things at the same time. I don?t see simultaneous activity there. I see him all the while moving all around the floor and in the course of doing that, he?s raking things into a pile and mopping up the stuff. Why I?m deferring is that I?m not saying what you say doesn?t make complete sense, but that I just can?t wrap my mind around it.
-set it down, placing a fresh napkin and silverware beside it - I stopped at the simultaneous -ing construction again. [You are my ?ing lady here. Don?t change because this dunderhead doesn?t understand it. I think you must have developed a fine ear to the gerund (I think that?s it, right?) that I?m late at perfecting. I don?t see it. I don?t see the simultaneity of action when I intend to have one event sequentially follow another. I need to invest whatever time it takes to understand COMPLETELY commas and gerunds. Right now, before my final edit, I stand back with a handful of commas and let them fly. So be patient with me on those two concerns. I think I have most others under control.
-Finally, Chiel returned to Rhuether - that's exactly how I felt, 'finally'. [You are funny! I promise to take a close look at that. It?s really one of the more serious considerations, impinging on style ... but style should never put the reader in the backseat. Once the writing goes to market, the reader who buys it is in the driver?s seat. I take that responsibility very seriously.
-
Yes, I love my gerunds.
I found this definition on the internet:
The simple active form and the passive form usually express an action that is simultaneous with the action expressed by the main verb.
You're probably none the wiser now. What it means, is that when you already have an action (i.e. I jumped up) and then combine that with an -ing form, (running to the window), the -ing part defines the action, instead of adding an action. I.e. 'I jumped up, running to the window', means I jumped up by running to the window. When you already have an action, the following -ing form makes what follows simultaneous with the action, which often is not possible.
Like in your case: He moved around the floor (action), raking AND mopping up (defines the moving), so moving and raking and mopping become one action. With moving and raking, that would be ok, but not all three together.
In the second example: set the plate down(action), placing the napkin and silverware - -ing form defines the action: he set down the plate by placing the napkin. No.
She looked at him, breathing hard - yes
He opened the car door, jumping in - no
She said, sensing his unease - yes
She opened the letter, reading it - no
Aren't you the lucky guy? You have Turtle for the (wish-we-could-get-rid-of-them) commas, and I'll keep pointing out the gerunds.
I don't know if this explanation confused you more or if it clarified things. Hope, the latter, at least a bit.
:)
-
Tessa, thanks for going the extra mile on this one.
I pasted this in Word and am studying it. I'll put it in my Grammar folder afterwords.
'I jumped up, running to the window', means I jumped up by running to the window. [Yep, I see that perfectly. To me it's more, "I jumped up WHILE running to the window, which sounds like he was in a squatting position in the middle of his run, then he jumped up and continued.
Then I get to my actual writing ... Sorry, but I still can't see anything wrong with the gerunds that follow "moved". He can perform all of those actions while moving around.
I can come closer with the 'Placing the napkin' after 'set down the plate', because setting down the plate ends that particular action. The plate's sitting there. But in the previous one, he's moving throughout. I have to think some more about the 'moving' one, though the other one I can change easily enough.
Again, thinking about isn't denying the truth of.
Tessa, you da best!
Comment from LIJ Red
Seems like mind games...nobody better blink...Almighty master is close to going ballistic, but maybe the cook will explode first...all kind of potential for disaster and not much for happyhappy joyjoy. Go on.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
|
Seems like mind games...nobody better blink...Almighty master is close to going ballistic, but maybe the cook will explode first...all kind of potential for disaster and not much for happyhappy joyjoy. Go on.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
-
Thanks, Red. You captured the mood of it well.
Comment from Zue65
Wow, Axtilla was really good in pretending and may have fooled Rhuether in the process. And Doctrex was quite cool in dealing with the antics of the enemy and quite observant of the actions of Chel, the Chef. This is really an exciting chapter. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
|
Wow, Axtilla was really good in pretending and may have fooled Rhuether in the process. And Doctrex was quite cool in dealing with the antics of the enemy and quite observant of the actions of Chel, the Chef. This is really an exciting chapter. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
-
THank you, Nassus, for catching all I hoped the reader would see with attentive reading. I appreciate that.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I sliced off a generous portion, - of what?
Rhuether's a nasty piece of work - treats everyone like dirt - no wonder he has enemies.
a new spirit of cooperation[,] we had pledged earlier. - no comma
Was this why his eyes were downcast and he busily tried to iron out a wrinkle in the tablecloth with his fingertips[.](?) question mark
Something else replaced it I came close to identifying, but not quite. - this sounds strange, Jay.
Something else I came close to identifying, but not quite, replaced it.
He repeated the process with me and then with Axtilla. - Never mind Almighty Master - a good waiter should always serve the woman first.
Axtilla's toe searched out my ankle, then with exquisite slowness, raised it up the outside of my calf to my knee, across it and down the inside to my ankle. - tut tut tut - naughty lady - hope the master doesn't notice.
Great read, Jay.
Margaret
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
|
I sliced off a generous portion, - of what?
Rhuether's a nasty piece of work - treats everyone like dirt - no wonder he has enemies.
a new spirit of cooperation[,] we had pledged earlier. - no comma
Was this why his eyes were downcast and he busily tried to iron out a wrinkle in the tablecloth with his fingertips[.](?) question mark
Something else replaced it I came close to identifying, but not quite. - this sounds strange, Jay.
Something else I came close to identifying, but not quite, replaced it.
He repeated the process with me and then with Axtilla. - Never mind Almighty Master - a good waiter should always serve the woman first.
Axtilla's toe searched out my ankle, then with exquisite slowness, raised it up the outside of my calf to my knee, across it and down the inside to my ankle. - tut tut tut - naughty lady - hope the master doesn't notice.
Great read, Jay.
Margaret
Comment Written 06-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
-
Oh Margaret, this is why I need you (Wow! that almost sounded romantic). That same sentence that troubled you troubled me and why I never attended to it, I don't know. I scour a post probably 5 times before sending it out. Except for commas. It seems I always just stand back with a handful and ready-set-go, give them a toss. The sentence looks right when I post it. Then Margaret comes along with her comma check and I say, "Well, sure! She's right. Your talent should be patented and your reviews copywrited. Thanks so much, Margaret.
-
Well, it's nice to be needed even if not in a romantic way - but then I've plenty of that here. Ha. I missed out a comma in today's post which made the line senseless to a reader - I added the comma and it was fine - it's amazing how one little comma can change things.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am not at all sure how Doctrex can keep all his composure. I think I would lose it. He, is after all, captured. It will be interesting to read the rest. Good job.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
|
I am not at all sure how Doctrex can keep all his composure. I think I would lose it. He, is after all, captured. It will be interesting to read the rest. Good job.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2015
-
I'm glad you use the future tense. I want you here for the rest. Thanks for reading, Barbara, and your kindness.