THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "You Will Dine With Us Tonight"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from GWHARGIS
Good to be reading this story again. I love the Doctrex,character. He is multi faceted and very real. One typo, need opening quote mark on For such a ...
This story is unfolding and I am loving it. Gretchen
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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Good to be reading this story again. I love the Doctrex,character. He is multi faceted and very real. One typo, need opening quote mark on For such a ...
This story is unfolding and I am loving it. Gretchen
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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Thanks for pointing that out, Gretchen. I went back and corrected it. Those happen all the time for me.
Comment from Aiona
This is still such an engaging story. I love to read your prose, Jay. I didn't see any typos. Dialogue is believable and there is deep POV from Pondria, er Doctrex. It is easy to remember the story, even without your author's notes. Your first chapters are that memorable.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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This is still such an engaging story. I love to read your prose, Jay. I didn't see any typos. Dialogue is believable and there is deep POV from Pondria, er Doctrex. It is easy to remember the story, even without your author's notes. Your first chapters are that memorable.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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Of course you're getting into the book near the end of the third book of the trilogy. I hope you don't get too confused. It sounds like you're still enjoying this.
Comment from Shirley McLain
This is some love triangle. Being conjoined twins would make it very difficult. Is Prondria sincere in his apology? I didn't see any spag in this chapter. Looking forward to reading more. Have a great day. Shirley
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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This is some love triangle. Being conjoined twins would make it very difficult. Is Prondria sincere in his apology? I didn't see any spag in this chapter. Looking forward to reading more. Have a great day. Shirley
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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Shirley, thanks for the six stars. I was beginning to think I wouldn't get one for this chapter. You have to plan on being confused about the motives of both Pondria/Doctrex and Rhuether for the time being. It will clear up before long.
Comment from ciliverde
Fascinating development, Jay. I somehow didn't realize that Axtilla had become Rheuther's empress. It must be part of her plan to bring him down, although Pondria seems to have some doubts (?). Interesting that she shared some very personal stories with Rheuther. But isn't that the way to get someone to trust you? The final line hints that some betrayal took place - or at least Axtilla presented it as such.
Carol
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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Fascinating development, Jay. I somehow didn't realize that Axtilla had become Rheuther's empress. It must be part of her plan to bring him down, although Pondria seems to have some doubts (?). Interesting that she shared some very personal stories with Rheuther. But isn't that the way to get someone to trust you? The final line hints that some betrayal took place - or at least Axtilla presented it as such.
Carol
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015
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You seem to have a very good handle on what's happening. Any confusion should start clearing up over time. I'm just thrilled to have you along.
Comment from Dashjianta
Glnot seems to playing with Doctrex's emotions now--dangling Axtilla in front of him, then sowing doubt by revealing the thing's she's told him. Will it cause Doctrex to falter, or will his love and trust in Axtilla keep him strong, or could there be some truth in what Axtilla's said to Glnot? (I doubt it, but the possibility's there.)
Suggestions:
With the word, "us" Axtilla stormed into my mind, and populated my thoughts.
--Move the fist comma to after 'us' (it's not dialogue, so doesn't need the preceding comma like 'he said' would, just the comma after to show a pause if you want to.), and delete the second comma. (No independent clause after than and).
I shook my head with a half-smile on my face I hoped didn't betray my fear of what his words meant.
--Perhaps 'hid/would hide' rather than 'didn't betray'. I don't know why, beyond it being a more positive phrasing. Also, consider deleting 'of what his words meant' as the sentence before this shows what he fears.
(")For such a long time
(")It's all so new to me
It's true I loved Axtilla more than anyone, including, perhaps(,) even Axtilla could have known.
--Not sure on this one.
She feared you'd overcome me and(,) well, kill me.
but the images my mind gave me of the Pomnot trying to break through the membrane to get to me, included (including?) the memory of Axtilla's giggling at my buffoonery, suddenly threatened to overtake my composure.
"Sure ... how could you forget that?
--I'm sure about 'sure' here. It seems too casual for the moment.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Glnot seems to playing with Doctrex's emotions now--dangling Axtilla in front of him, then sowing doubt by revealing the thing's she's told him. Will it cause Doctrex to falter, or will his love and trust in Axtilla keep him strong, or could there be some truth in what Axtilla's said to Glnot? (I doubt it, but the possibility's there.)
Suggestions:
With the word, "us" Axtilla stormed into my mind, and populated my thoughts.
--Move the fist comma to after 'us' (it's not dialogue, so doesn't need the preceding comma like 'he said' would, just the comma after to show a pause if you want to.), and delete the second comma. (No independent clause after than and).
I shook my head with a half-smile on my face I hoped didn't betray my fear of what his words meant.
--Perhaps 'hid/would hide' rather than 'didn't betray'. I don't know why, beyond it being a more positive phrasing. Also, consider deleting 'of what his words meant' as the sentence before this shows what he fears.
(")For such a long time
(")It's all so new to me
It's true I loved Axtilla more than anyone, including, perhaps(,) even Axtilla could have known.
--Not sure on this one.
She feared you'd overcome me and(,) well, kill me.
but the images my mind gave me of the Pomnot trying to break through the membrane to get to me, included (including?) the memory of Axtilla's giggling at my buffoonery, suddenly threatened to overtake my composure.
"Sure ... how could you forget that?
--I'm sure about 'sure' here. It seems too casual for the moment.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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I'm so sorry it's taken so long to get back to you regarding this impressive crit. I made nearly all the suggested changes and corrected the nits. Bless you, Alex, for your always careful reading. I feel so privileged to have you editing my writing.
Comment from chasennov
Invitation given--Invitation Withdrawn. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. You Will Dine With Us Tonight.' As brilliantly written as ever. I always enjoy your work. Very well done.
she said she said she felt a
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
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Invitation given--Invitation Withdrawn. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. You Will Dine With Us Tonight.' As brilliantly written as ever. I always enjoy your work. Very well done.
she said she said she felt a
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
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Thank you, Chas.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Great conversation between the two, revealing
different emotions - so well described, Jay.
(")For such a long time--from even before
(")It's all so new to me--this change
He dropped his head and closed his eyes. HERE - if he'd dropped his head would u see his eyes - thus: He closed his eyes and dropped his head (just a thought)
I chopped off his leg at the knee--?(")
well ... she said [[she said]] she felt a - delete stray words
Margaret
2nd review
I've already reviewed this once -
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Great conversation between the two, revealing
different emotions - so well described, Jay.
(")For such a long time--from even before
(")It's all so new to me--this change
He dropped his head and closed his eyes. HERE - if he'd dropped his head would u see his eyes - thus: He closed his eyes and dropped his head (just a thought)
I chopped off his leg at the knee--?(")
well ... she said [[she said]] she felt a - delete stray words
Margaret
2nd review
I've already reviewed this once -
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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You glorious person, Margaret ... I took care of closing his eyes before he dropped his head, made all the additions and deletions and now it's as pristine as a Margaret Snowdon chapter! Thanks, my dear.
Comment from robyn corum
1. (")It's all so new to me--this change from enemy to brother
Very interesting developments. Can't let poor Pondria think things are going to go easily! hahahaha Thanks for sharing! (great writing!)
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
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1. (")It's all so new to me--this change from enemy to brother
Very interesting developments. Can't let poor Pondria think things are going to go easily! hahahaha Thanks for sharing! (great writing!)
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
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Many thanks, Robyn. Glad you're getting into this. I appreciate you.
Comment from Curly Girly
This story is still quite complicated, but I am beginning to get there, I think.
You wrote:
I shook my head with a half-smile on my face I hoped didn't betray my fear
Suggest:
I shook my head with a half-smile, I hoped it didn't betray my fear
(where else can a smile be? A: only on the face. So, 'on my face' is redundant.)
His brother is aware of his feelings for Axtilla:
your feelings for Axtilla are right on the surface.
This is a complicated mind game being played out.
"Well, she said you left her while she slept."--That is never a good way to leave a woman!
It was well written and well described, making it clear for the reader to picture the scene.
Nicole
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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This story is still quite complicated, but I am beginning to get there, I think.
You wrote:
I shook my head with a half-smile on my face I hoped didn't betray my fear
Suggest:
I shook my head with a half-smile, I hoped it didn't betray my fear
(where else can a smile be? A: only on the face. So, 'on my face' is redundant.)
His brother is aware of his feelings for Axtilla:
your feelings for Axtilla are right on the surface.
This is a complicated mind game being played out.
"Well, she said you left her while she slept."--That is never a good way to leave a woman!
It was well written and well described, making it clear for the reader to picture the scene.
Nicole
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Nicole, thank you for your always astute reading of my story. I removed his face from his smile and can add that to Standing UP and sitting DOWN. You are the best, girl!
Comment from c_lucas
I never had the feeling that Axtilla had feeling for Pondria, but he was smitten with her. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good readl
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
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I never had the feeling that Axtilla had feeling for Pondria, but he was smitten with her. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good readl
Comment Written 08-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2015
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Thank you, Charlie. LOts more twists and turns.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie