Comment from ellie6

Excellent

Wow ! What was in that narcotic? Doctrex sounds as if he was having a bad trip. Your powers of description are formidable. Only one thing jarred with me 'I slammed my eyelids shut' and 'blasted them open' sounded a bit like overkill.
cheers, ellie.

 Comment Written 16-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015

Yeeeeeah, I can kinda see that as overkill, Ellie, and bless you for pointing it out. I spot melodrama in my writing as well as others, and you don't know how many times I stopped at that jarring description. You can be sure I'll take another hard look at it in the final edit. I'm so happy to have you aboard for this novel, Ellie. It has to be difficult, even with the previous chapter's summary and the parting last paragraphs of the previous chapter, getting a handle on what's happening.

Comment from Dashjianta

Exceptional

I like Percy (eww, I like a fly) or rather, I like the way Doctrex focuses on Percy and notices all the tiny details, like the way it walks, and rubs together its legs, and dances etc. Also enjoyed the way Doctrex's thoughts come together, piecing together the drug-induced assault from the creatures and reflections in Percy's eyes. I am wondering (hoping, really) if the fly is Axtilla trying to deliver a message to him.

Suggestions:

A frog, squatted there instead, staring back
--Take out the first comma?

Why do you want me to look at all those creatures(,) Percy?

embarrassment to me; Moreover, I didn't
--Should be small 'm' on moreover?

letting his capable warriors, do the work.
--delete the comma?

If Percy was, indeed(,) the enemy's third flank

 Comment Written 16-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015

Hahaha. You and Margaret are working jointly in the quest to add or delete commas. Love ya both for it. As a matter of fact, you ought to read her crit of my chapter. She pointed out every single one that you pointed out. That shouldn't surprise me, though, as I went to each one and changed it I marveled how I didn't see that.

Anyway, Alex, thank you so much for reading and for rewarding it a six. And to answer your question about Axtilla ... that would be cheating.

reply by Dashjianta on 17-Aug-2015

Good to see my suggestions tally with others. I sometimes wonder with those pesky commas, especially when I doubt my own placement so much.

Was my pleasure to read, as always.

Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin

Excellent

Hi, Jay....

_ Whoohoo! My Doctrex is BACK!! Yeah, baby!
_ I has to remain strong---after all, he's been in limbo for awhile. Just sayin'
_ Have to get him off of that 'happy juice' and back to kicking butt.
_ Good chapter.

Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)

 Comment Written 16-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015

Off that happy juice. You are too funny. Thanks, Jax, for reading.

Comment from Eigle Rull

Exceptional

This was an exceptionally well written post, my friend. Your words were spell binding. You pulled me right into this so that I was imagining too. Your descriptions of watching the fly were intense. I really enjoyed how you brought to life the reflection of the ceiling through the eyes of the fly. I could imagine what you were describing. This post held my attention solidly. I enjoyed reading it. Best wishes, my friend.

Always with respect,

 Comment Written 16-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015

Thank you, Elgie, for your ongoing support of my writing. Your six stars are so encouraging. This is the chapter I've been stuck on for so long. I'm glad to see you've enjoyed it.

Comment from Annette Gulliver

Excellent

That was an engrossing chapter, Jay. It's just as well the fly decided to land on his sternum, it kept his mind occupied, willing him to stay awake. Although he could still imagine strange things in the creature's eyes.
He made a new friend, and called him Percy - I loved that!!
How much longer does the poor man have to try to stay awake? That must have been some strong narcotic.
Annette

 Comment Written 16-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015

Thanks for reading, Annette. Glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, it was a powerful narcotic.

Comment from barkingdog

Excellent

This is like reading the thoughts of a mad man. He's fighting the drug to stay away, afraid he'll die if he lets it overcome him. During this struggle he does everything he can to keep his eyes open. Some how the ceiling is a threat and the reflections from the ceiling seen on the fly's eyes makes him suspect the fly of being a spy for the ceiling's army.
I do think he is mad or being driven mad.

- but I couldn't seem to abstract(did you mean subtract?) myself from its flow.
- from the clouds(,) and they had to move
- been blotted out(,) and I had been absorbed by the puffy
-back on me(,) so I could gawk at my horror-filled face!



This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 16-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015

To abstract means (among a lot of things) to remove: "he couldn't remove himself form its flow."

Thanks you so much for your close read, Ellen. Much appreciated. I'll check out those commas. My huge weakness!

Comment from Michael Ludwinder

Exceptional

A very strong chapter again. Your writing is solid. It easily kept my interest and I love the small details. I love the use of internal dialogue. Your characters is so "alive". Well done and well written.

 Comment Written 16-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 16-Aug-2015

Michael, thank you so very much for your kind words and super generous rating. Hope you continue on with this novel.