THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Creatures on the Ceiling"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from Shirley McLain
I gave you five stars but I have to admit I was confused when reading your story. I've tried three times and keep getting lost. Is the man hallucinating? Shirley
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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I gave you five stars but I have to admit I was confused when reading your story. I've tried three times and keep getting lost. Is the man hallucinating? Shirley
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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I don't think you had read much of The Trining before it stalled 4 months ago. I posted a chapter about a week ago that that was a re-post of the last chapter I had posted before my story languished for a while. Before that re-post began, I summarized the previous 20 chapters. I don't believe you read that chapter. The one you read brought you right into the middle of a near fatal injury to his side and some halucinations. I'm not surprised it didn't make a lot of sense. Thank you for trying so hard, though, Shirley. I appreciate your determination and your loyalty. The next chapter is still a little introspective, but then leads into a more realistic several chapters in readiness for the ending.
I'll also post a few other stories while this goes on.
Comment from Gert sherwood
I'm upset Jay,
I don't have six stars for your to me your vivid images ex.
No! No! This cannot be. How can I be this awareness, separate from his body? How can I be aware of his comfort and peace and tranquility and still be an entity apart from him? I am not separate. I am Doctrex. Wherever I am, I am not dead.
PS I'm glad to see you are continuing your story about
Dr. Doctrex.
Gert
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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I'm upset Jay,
I don't have six stars for your to me your vivid images ex.
No! No! This cannot be. How can I be this awareness, separate from his body? How can I be aware of his comfort and peace and tranquility and still be an entity apart from him? I am not separate. I am Doctrex. Wherever I am, I am not dead.
PS I'm glad to see you are continuing your story about
Dr. Doctrex.
Gert
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Gert, and don't worry about the six. Just having you reading it is 6 enough for me. It's been a long journey for Doctrex, and the novel stalled for 4 months. But it now seems back on track.
Comment from thee-name
Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was very interesting.
While I tried to figure out what "here" meant, cold liquid stabbed the back of my tongue. I swallowed reflexively, gagging and swallowing again. I was about to real off a spate of invective against Zrabs when something slammed like a torch against my ribcage.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was very interesting.
While I tried to figure out what "here" meant, cold liquid stabbed the back of my tongue. I swallowed reflexively, gagging and swallowing again. I was about to real off a spate of invective against Zrabs when something slammed like a torch against my ribcage.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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Glad you enjoyed it, Thee-name. Hope you continue along. This will go for about 10 more chapters before it ends. In the interim I shall also post other stories. Glad to have you aboard.
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thank you!
Comment from Dashjianta
Welcome back Doctrex. And a very good welcome back too. Lots of very good, strong, imagery in this, Jay. And you captured his state of mind really well. I picked out some specifics I liked in the thoughts/suggestions, but it's all very good. (I like they way he came to pick out the creatures he'd encountered amongst the ones moving overhead, too--don't think I mentioned that.)
You've got me wondering where he is, who the doctor is, how he got there, and if there's going to be another switch of place/person like there was with Viktor.
Thoughts and Suggestions (I went a bit analytical in parts. Hope you don't mind!):
The conflagration on my right side that dragged me to my back on the floorboard rendered me distantly aware only of a blurred Zarbs, sliding away from me, crablike, across the seat and up against the sideboard.
--A couple of things with this sentence. Firstly, I really like the imagery of Zarbs crablike sliding away, but the 'that' near the start feels like a barrier between me and what's happening so I'm not as in the moment as I could be. Dropping the 'that' and adding an 'and' before 'rendered' would eliminate that issue. It leaves you with two 'and's in the sentence though.
--Also, consider moving 'only' to before 'distantly aware'. It alters the meaning slightly, but I stumbled over it as it is which pulled me out of the story.
(I didn't see any more of Zarbs because that was when) I scrunched my eyes against the second onslaught of searing pain and blotted him out with the rest of the visible world;
--I've put the opening in brackets because it's distancing the reader from what Dcotrex is experiencing. I would recommend a rejigging to put the pain first (as it's the first thing he'd experience), then scrunch his eyes up (his reaction to the pain), then mention the blotting out of the visible world (the thought which follows the cause and instinctive reaction. The 'visible world' also includes Zarbs, so I'm not sure you need to name him specifically--this is a subjective thing though).
through the miasma of pain...
--Ah. You mention still hearing him, so yes, for that to work, you need to mention Zarbs above, but I would still switcharoony it so it comes near the end of the sentence, so the scrunching eyes blot out Zarbs and the rest of the visible world.
I could still hear him, from some faraway place, jabbering unintelligible syllables, though the word "uniform" loosed from the verbal tangle as part of them.
--I like this. 'Jabbering' is so Zarbs. I'm not sure about 'as part of them' at the end though. Could you delete it without losing anything?
And then a cottony lull fell over me....
--Good tension building in this paragraph. Shows the anticipation of expected pain.
"Here ..."
--And then the contrast of the single, simple word. The anticipation beforehand makes it a surprise without needing any additional tag/action/thingie.
While I tried to figure out what "here"...
--And this shows his confusion well, and then he seems to forget the coming pain as he drinks and gets ready to have a go at Zarbs, which makes the returning pain somewhat unexpected. Excellent flow and pacing in this opening scene.
I like the way you've got him detached and watching the general's body being elevated above the wagon and swept away. Also like the opening thoughts, where he thinks how sad and wasteful an end it is. It has a peaceful, detached feel to it. And then the distance and detachment is broken as the floating awareness fights back and decides it IS Doctrex.
With (an?) incredible act of will,
He straightened up, grimaced, and turned, slightly.
--Delete the comma before slightly?
While his breath had been minty, mine was apparently another matter.
--I like this...the way you include wee, everyday things, gives your writing more believability and depth.
I like the way you introduce the creatures, with him first focusing on the space where the doctor had been, then the to ceiling above--love your descriptions of the mist squirming, undulating creatures too. And the way his finger seems to float away. It all comes together to give a sense of strangeness.
some were open, unfurled behind them, segmented and joining (joined?) at each peak by needle-sharp spikes.
the head of our missing Advance Intelligence Men(Man), Arz Makel.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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Welcome back Doctrex. And a very good welcome back too. Lots of very good, strong, imagery in this, Jay. And you captured his state of mind really well. I picked out some specifics I liked in the thoughts/suggestions, but it's all very good. (I like they way he came to pick out the creatures he'd encountered amongst the ones moving overhead, too--don't think I mentioned that.)
You've got me wondering where he is, who the doctor is, how he got there, and if there's going to be another switch of place/person like there was with Viktor.
Thoughts and Suggestions (I went a bit analytical in parts. Hope you don't mind!):
The conflagration on my right side that dragged me to my back on the floorboard rendered me distantly aware only of a blurred Zarbs, sliding away from me, crablike, across the seat and up against the sideboard.
--A couple of things with this sentence. Firstly, I really like the imagery of Zarbs crablike sliding away, but the 'that' near the start feels like a barrier between me and what's happening so I'm not as in the moment as I could be. Dropping the 'that' and adding an 'and' before 'rendered' would eliminate that issue. It leaves you with two 'and's in the sentence though.
--Also, consider moving 'only' to before 'distantly aware'. It alters the meaning slightly, but I stumbled over it as it is which pulled me out of the story.
(I didn't see any more of Zarbs because that was when) I scrunched my eyes against the second onslaught of searing pain and blotted him out with the rest of the visible world;
--I've put the opening in brackets because it's distancing the reader from what Dcotrex is experiencing. I would recommend a rejigging to put the pain first (as it's the first thing he'd experience), then scrunch his eyes up (his reaction to the pain), then mention the blotting out of the visible world (the thought which follows the cause and instinctive reaction. The 'visible world' also includes Zarbs, so I'm not sure you need to name him specifically--this is a subjective thing though).
through the miasma of pain...
--Ah. You mention still hearing him, so yes, for that to work, you need to mention Zarbs above, but I would still switcharoony it so it comes near the end of the sentence, so the scrunching eyes blot out Zarbs and the rest of the visible world.
I could still hear him, from some faraway place, jabbering unintelligible syllables, though the word "uniform" loosed from the verbal tangle as part of them.
--I like this. 'Jabbering' is so Zarbs. I'm not sure about 'as part of them' at the end though. Could you delete it without losing anything?
And then a cottony lull fell over me....
--Good tension building in this paragraph. Shows the anticipation of expected pain.
"Here ..."
--And then the contrast of the single, simple word. The anticipation beforehand makes it a surprise without needing any additional tag/action/thingie.
While I tried to figure out what "here"...
--And this shows his confusion well, and then he seems to forget the coming pain as he drinks and gets ready to have a go at Zarbs, which makes the returning pain somewhat unexpected. Excellent flow and pacing in this opening scene.
I like the way you've got him detached and watching the general's body being elevated above the wagon and swept away. Also like the opening thoughts, where he thinks how sad and wasteful an end it is. It has a peaceful, detached feel to it. And then the distance and detachment is broken as the floating awareness fights back and decides it IS Doctrex.
With (an?) incredible act of will,
He straightened up, grimaced, and turned, slightly.
--Delete the comma before slightly?
While his breath had been minty, mine was apparently another matter.
--I like this...the way you include wee, everyday things, gives your writing more believability and depth.
I like the way you introduce the creatures, with him first focusing on the space where the doctor had been, then the to ceiling above--love your descriptions of the mist squirming, undulating creatures too. And the way his finger seems to float away. It all comes together to give a sense of strangeness.
some were open, unfurled behind them, segmented and joining (joined?) at each peak by needle-sharp spikes.
the head of our missing Advance Intelligence Men(Man), Arz Makel.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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Thoughts and Suggestions (I went a bit analytical in parts. Hope you don't mind!): [Mind! I love it. I relish it!]
"The conflagration on my right side that dragged me to my back" [You are a magician, Alex. All the changes on that suggestion were made. It reads perfectly, is tight and lucid.]
Your second suggestion was spot on. I made some changes to the entire paragraph. I'm not finished, but here is where I'm at now: "The conflagration on my right side dragged me to my back on the floorboard and rendered me distantly aware of a blurred Zarbs, sliding away from me, crablike, across the seat and up against the sideboard. At the second onslaught of searing pain, I scrunched my eyes and blotted out Zarbs with the rest of the visible world; through the blazing miasma, I could still hear him, from some faraway place, jabbering unintelligible syllables, though the word ?uniform? loosed from the verbal tangle." Are you sure you're not my muse?]
With (an?) incredible act of will, [Changed. Yes, I knew better. I think the rough draft version was "With incredible will power", and "an" can be forgiven there. Anyway, change made, thank you. The comma as well before "slightly".
So, the quick tally. I made all the changes you suggested and none of the ones you liked the way they stood. Glory be!
Thanks Alex. You don't know how important you are to my writing here.
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That paragraph's flowing better with those changes. Glad you found it helpful.
I pick up a lot from reading your work. It's the everyday (not sure that's the right word) things like the smell of a person's breath, or the little gesture's/movements (like when you had the boy scuffing his new shoe in the dirt) that lift it above the average writing and bring things to life. You inspired Antonius's fingernail biting in my last chapter--a small, everyday thing that helps show how he's feeling.
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I pick up a lot from reading your work. [From the help you gave me, I think what you pick up is how not to write a scene. LOL, you were a marvel! At least I contributed a shredded nail. That ain't half bad. I think the important thing is we keep each other thinking.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Ooh, a cliff hanger. I like the totally messed up way he was thinking. Very realistic portrayal of someone on morphine or one of the higher doses of oxy. I loved how he willed the General's body back to life. Can't wait for what's next. Gretchen
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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Ooh, a cliff hanger. I like the totally messed up way he was thinking. Very realistic portrayal of someone on morphine or one of the higher doses of oxy. I loved how he willed the General's body back to life. Can't wait for what's next. Gretchen
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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You made my day, Gretchen, with the six and your wonderful words. Thank you so much.
Comment from c_lucas
You have chose quit a task to come back to this story line after such a long sabbatical. I vaguely remember so of this but not all. I guess the blanks will fill themselves in over time.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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You have chose quit a task to come back to this story line after such a long sabbatical. I vaguely remember so of this but not all. I guess the blanks will fill themselves in over time.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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If you read the summary of the last twenty chapters I did a week ago with the re-post of the last chapter before the hiatus, it should be SOMEWHAT clear. And yes the blanks should fill in. If they don't let me know. Thanks for the review and rating.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from Curly Girly
I don't remember reading a previous chapter to this one. It reminds me of your story, 'Bent'.
No spag spotted; it was well written.
It appears as if this guy had a war injury and he was hallucinating.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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I don't remember reading a previous chapter to this one. It reminds me of your story, 'Bent'.
No spag spotted; it was well written.
It appears as if this guy had a war injury and he was hallucinating.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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This is all part of The Trining series. It stalled 4 months ago. I re-posted the chapter just before this, last week along with a 20 chapter summary. Thanks for feeling your way through this chapter. Couldn't have been easy.
Comment from Nan Beeson
I can see this is going to be spooky, so am putting on all the lights. All the pain and blood so far is making me feel sorry for you. Your visualization is absolutely fabulous--so much so--I feel as though I can feel your pain and feelings. The dead body of the general really got to me. I can imagine how you felt. The last kiss? Ugh! I am so intrigued, and loving the suspense the more I read on.
I had no idea you could express what is going on in such a fascinating way. Especially the separate from his body part and his open eyes. I love your
"Creatures of the realm" description also. How horrible their self-inflicted wounds must have felt! The winged creatures and the memory they were stirring up in you wanted me to know what they were, too! They made Frankenstein look like a long lost friend. "Close your eyes?" Really? No way!
I think I would have gone for the narcotics and glad to get them.
Re the severed head! It brought back a memory I had of one. The one I saw was smiling at me as his eyes bulged out as his head was rolling around on the living room floor like a ball. I could imagine how your poor tongue felt, not knowing how it should be positioned in your mouth. I am wiggling mine around trying to see how it would feel, but all I could do with it is wiggle it around. Thank God it is attached and can't fall out! I can also identify with your wanting to keep your eyes to stay closed and didn't dare falling asleep. I know EXACATLYI how that felt.
I loved the line, " His eyes carried a gentle kindness." I also had to smile where your said you opened you eyes but didn't remember closing them. Ha . Love it!
Happens to me all the time!
Spooky as it was, am proud to say It didn't scare the living daylights out of me like I thought it would. Thank you for that, my friend! Guess I'll have to wait to find "Something about....." All the gore and visualizations are worth more than the six stars allowed! LOL
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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I can see this is going to be spooky, so am putting on all the lights. All the pain and blood so far is making me feel sorry for you. Your visualization is absolutely fabulous--so much so--I feel as though I can feel your pain and feelings. The dead body of the general really got to me. I can imagine how you felt. The last kiss? Ugh! I am so intrigued, and loving the suspense the more I read on.
I had no idea you could express what is going on in such a fascinating way. Especially the separate from his body part and his open eyes. I love your
"Creatures of the realm" description also. How horrible their self-inflicted wounds must have felt! The winged creatures and the memory they were stirring up in you wanted me to know what they were, too! They made Frankenstein look like a long lost friend. "Close your eyes?" Really? No way!
I think I would have gone for the narcotics and glad to get them.
Re the severed head! It brought back a memory I had of one. The one I saw was smiling at me as his eyes bulged out as his head was rolling around on the living room floor like a ball. I could imagine how your poor tongue felt, not knowing how it should be positioned in your mouth. I am wiggling mine around trying to see how it would feel, but all I could do with it is wiggle it around. Thank God it is attached and can't fall out! I can also identify with your wanting to keep your eyes to stay closed and didn't dare falling asleep. I know EXACATLYI how that felt.
I loved the line, " His eyes carried a gentle kindness." I also had to smile where your said you opened you eyes but didn't remember closing them. Ha . Love it!
Happens to me all the time!
Spooky as it was, am proud to say It didn't scare the living daylights out of me like I thought it would. Thank you for that, my friend! Guess I'll have to wait to find "Something about....." All the gore and visualizations are worth more than the six stars allowed! LOL
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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Bless you, Nan. This couldn't be easy, wading through a chapter that has a 400-plus page history before it. This is book III and is winding to the conclusion. I so appreciate your kindness and of course the 6 stars. Thank you!
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You are very welcome, Jay. I am certain it isn't the only six star review you received on it.
I meant to ask you,,,
How on God's green earth did you ever manage to write so many chapters? Was it all in your head before you started it? I was astounded when I read that in the beginning, but forgot to mention it when I started reading the story.
When do you have time to sleep, your writing is so prolific and original and
makes my head swirl with the wonder of it all.
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Nan, I wrote the chapters one at a time. Each one just grew out of the previous. When I look back, I'm amazed too. Thank you, Nan. You are so kind!!!!
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LOL! Live and learn!
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You are very welcome, Jay. I am certain it isn't the only six star review you received on it.
I meant to ask you,,,
How on God's green earth did you ever manage to write so many chapters? Was it all in your head before you started it? I was astounded when I read that in the beginning, but forgot to mention it when I started reading the story.
When do you have time to sleep, your writing is so prolific and original and
makes my head swirl with the wonder of it all.
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LOL! Live and learn!
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Can you explain what the "Anonymous Member" designation means? Just askin'.
Comment from Chris Tee
This is absolutely wonderful writing with such rich vocabulary used and it is totally captivating and so descriptive. Jay you are extremely talented. Well done with this excellent work.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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This is absolutely wonderful writing with such rich vocabulary used and it is totally captivating and so descriptive. Jay you are extremely talented. Well done with this excellent work.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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Thank you so much, Chris. I appreciate your taking a chance on getting into this in the middle. I hope you choose to continue on with it.
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I certainly will and I think the story is good and I will endeavor to catch up somehow.
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Bless you!
Comment from LIJ Red
I expect this is all moving to a plane where Doctrex's mystery wounds and the society of entities haunting his painkiller-laced mind will knit into a dramatic
unity. The smooth writing makes it easy to ride along to whatever is coming up.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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I expect this is all moving to a plane where Doctrex's mystery wounds and the society of entities haunting his painkiller-laced mind will knit into a dramatic
unity. The smooth writing makes it easy to ride along to whatever is coming up.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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God, I hope so, Red. I'm having trouble with the next chapter. I'm trying to build a momentum to the end.