THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Fine Day For Zarbs' Unravelling "JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
33 total reviews
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is yet another interesting addition to the story that the author has created with this piece of work. This is yet another comprehensive post and I like this story.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
  |
This is yet another interesting addition to the story that the author has created with this piece of work. This is yet another comprehensive post and I like this story.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
-
Thank you, Tomes.
-
My pleasure
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, very interesting. Was the General a victim of an assassination attempt? Was he somehow stabbed as they turned. Honest, I had thought panic would make the Colonel attempt an 'accident'.
Perfect writing and a great cliff hanger. I like how during the silence the General's mind was filled with introspective questions.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
 |
Hmm, very interesting. Was the General a victim of an assassination attempt? Was he somehow stabbed as they turned. Honest, I had thought panic would make the Colonel attempt an 'accident'.
Perfect writing and a great cliff hanger. I like how during the silence the General's mind was filled with introspective questions.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
-
Thank you, Lance, for the Six stars and for the incisive commentary. No, Glnot Rhuether is expecting the Colonel to deliver a very well-taken-care-of Doctrex and in perfect physical condition to stand at the wedding. He is not the kind to accept, for ANY REASON, the visual evidence of a filthy uniform and now a severe injury. The colonel knows this.
Comment from Dashjianta
There's a lot going on in this chapter. Starts with Doctrex letting go of his responsibility to a degree, with his concluding that fate/prophecy/Kyre has brought everything to this point and it was all destined to come out as it has. That could work for or against him when things come to a head, as it could either free him to act without fear, or make him think whatever must happen will happen and make him reckless.
Good way to summarise too, as he's looking at past events from a fresh angle whilst reminding the reader of key events.
Then Zarbs interrupts the flow of his thoughts with his self-pity. Me thinks, though, that a loss of rank is the least of his worries. Glnot does not strike me as a forgiving person. (slight understatement;)) Zarbs has himself convinced none of it was his fault though. But if that's the case, he should realise he doesn't deserve his rank anyway if he can't control his men.
Then the re-occurrence of the side-wound. I did not expect that. Excellent twist and good hook to end the chapter on. Really lifted the tempo of the chapter when the first twinge of pain came. Got me searching out a wee yellow + for you. (Yup, I've made a few suggestions, too, but I know you'll fix what you agree with, and they're all wee niggles that don't take away from the story.)
Suggestions:
I knew if I opened them again quickly enough, I'd catch Zarbs ogling at me
--Do you need the 'at' after 'ogling'?
(At) The thought of soon breathing the same palace air as Axtilla, I smiled inwardly
--Or (I thought of...and smiled...) as the first part of the sentence feels incomplete otherwise.
(Even with) My eyes still closed, I knew we were approaching the triple-rock marker, if we hadn't already passed it.
--For same reason as above--feels incomplete otherwise. (This is subjective.)
His caterpillar brows were slanted down so closely together they could have been mating.
--lol. I love all the ways you find to describe Zarbs' face.
I followed the movement of his pudgy, white hand, curiously, and watched him pull it back from not six inches from my arm and drop it into his lap.
--Couple of things here. 'curiously' seems out of place here--it gets in the way of the action. If you want to show Doctrex's curiosity you could have him raise an eye-brow or similar, and have Zarbs snatch his hand back in response (or not, if it doesn't fit). Also, the repeated 'from' here "pull it back from not six inches from my arm" is awkward to read. I'd suggest killing the first one if you can.
He buried his face in them and bent forward(,) sobbing between his knees.
--Maybe--I'm not sure here, just instinct wanting to put a comma there.
"Get (a?) hold of yourself!"
He no longer showed the discretion as before.
--Delete 'the' or 'as' with 'he had'.
They glanced at each other, and the one closest to the wagon caught the eye of the driver and they slowed their crossans and pulled back.
--Is there any way to reduce the number of 'and's in this sentence? I'd be inclined to remove the first one, and have a new sentence there instead, but if would make the first part very short.
"Your men, colonel(,)" I whispered
I whispered, through clinched (clenched?) teeth
"Your men, colonel" ...AND..."You're a fool, Colonel."
--Watch for inconsistencies in capitalisation. It's an easy enough slip to make though--I've been fixing a lot of those slips editing Jared. (Once I decided that, yes, I would capitalise, as they were addressing the person, effectively using the rank as a name. I changed my mind a lot on that over the course of the books.)
Out of the silence(,) he said
"The letter my courier brought to me was clear," he, said,
--A pesky comma sneaked in between he and said.
he cupped at the corner of his mouth. (")'You will treat the general with the same respect you would afford me.'
But(,) sir, you're sweating.
The blood trailed from my palm down my wrist, into the sleeve of my jacket.
This was not a new experience to me.
--Do you need the last line? Or could you change it to be more emotional? I 'not again' thing? Or a 'why now?' So it's more of a personal response and less likely to be taken as a reminder for the reader.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
|
There's a lot going on in this chapter. Starts with Doctrex letting go of his responsibility to a degree, with his concluding that fate/prophecy/Kyre has brought everything to this point and it was all destined to come out as it has. That could work for or against him when things come to a head, as it could either free him to act without fear, or make him think whatever must happen will happen and make him reckless.
Good way to summarise too, as he's looking at past events from a fresh angle whilst reminding the reader of key events.
Then Zarbs interrupts the flow of his thoughts with his self-pity. Me thinks, though, that a loss of rank is the least of his worries. Glnot does not strike me as a forgiving person. (slight understatement;)) Zarbs has himself convinced none of it was his fault though. But if that's the case, he should realise he doesn't deserve his rank anyway if he can't control his men.
Then the re-occurrence of the side-wound. I did not expect that. Excellent twist and good hook to end the chapter on. Really lifted the tempo of the chapter when the first twinge of pain came. Got me searching out a wee yellow + for you. (Yup, I've made a few suggestions, too, but I know you'll fix what you agree with, and they're all wee niggles that don't take away from the story.)
Suggestions:
I knew if I opened them again quickly enough, I'd catch Zarbs ogling at me
--Do you need the 'at' after 'ogling'?
(At) The thought of soon breathing the same palace air as Axtilla, I smiled inwardly
--Or (I thought of...and smiled...) as the first part of the sentence feels incomplete otherwise.
(Even with) My eyes still closed, I knew we were approaching the triple-rock marker, if we hadn't already passed it.
--For same reason as above--feels incomplete otherwise. (This is subjective.)
His caterpillar brows were slanted down so closely together they could have been mating.
--lol. I love all the ways you find to describe Zarbs' face.
I followed the movement of his pudgy, white hand, curiously, and watched him pull it back from not six inches from my arm and drop it into his lap.
--Couple of things here. 'curiously' seems out of place here--it gets in the way of the action. If you want to show Doctrex's curiosity you could have him raise an eye-brow or similar, and have Zarbs snatch his hand back in response (or not, if it doesn't fit). Also, the repeated 'from' here "pull it back from not six inches from my arm" is awkward to read. I'd suggest killing the first one if you can.
He buried his face in them and bent forward(,) sobbing between his knees.
--Maybe--I'm not sure here, just instinct wanting to put a comma there.
"Get (a?) hold of yourself!"
He no longer showed the discretion as before.
--Delete 'the' or 'as' with 'he had'.
They glanced at each other, and the one closest to the wagon caught the eye of the driver and they slowed their crossans and pulled back.
--Is there any way to reduce the number of 'and's in this sentence? I'd be inclined to remove the first one, and have a new sentence there instead, but if would make the first part very short.
"Your men, colonel(,)" I whispered
I whispered, through clinched (clenched?) teeth
"Your men, colonel" ...AND..."You're a fool, Colonel."
--Watch for inconsistencies in capitalisation. It's an easy enough slip to make though--I've been fixing a lot of those slips editing Jared. (Once I decided that, yes, I would capitalise, as they were addressing the person, effectively using the rank as a name. I changed my mind a lot on that over the course of the books.)
Out of the silence(,) he said
"The letter my courier brought to me was clear," he, said,
--A pesky comma sneaked in between he and said.
he cupped at the corner of his mouth. (")'You will treat the general with the same respect you would afford me.'
But(,) sir, you're sweating.
The blood trailed from my palm down my wrist, into the sleeve of my jacket.
This was not a new experience to me.
--Do you need the last line? Or could you change it to be more emotional? I 'not again' thing? Or a 'why now?' So it's more of a personal response and less likely to be taken as a reminder for the reader.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
-
What a lovely 6 you gave me Alex--especially parading before a morass of mistakes and disjointednesses! Oh, but thank you for both. I've gone in an corrected the obvious ones (the ones that make me look stupid) and left the others to noodle over in the next edit. And I agree with the last line. It is something I've slapped so many writers' wrists for, trying to get information to the reader. It may not be needed at all. I'll take a look at it.
Thank you SO much, Alex.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Poor Doctrex - he's bleeding AND Axtilla's married Reuther.
His caterpillar brows were slanted down so closely together they could have been mating. - ha ha - love this.
A great chapter, but I expect nothing less, Jay - here's the six it deserves.
an immaculate timing[,] that included this -- using "that" in this case makes it a run-on sentence - thus no comma needed.
Margaret
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
|
Poor Doctrex - he's bleeding AND Axtilla's married Reuther.
His caterpillar brows were slanted down so closely together they could have been mating. - ha ha - love this.
A great chapter, but I expect nothing less, Jay - here's the six it deserves.
an immaculate timing[,] that included this -- using "that" in this case makes it a run-on sentence - thus no comma needed.
Margaret
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
-
Once again, thank you, Margaret, for the 6 stars. Rhuether hasn't married Axtilla yet. She convinced Rhuether she wanted him to be at the wedding. I will check into that possible run-on. When reading other works I keep both eyes open for them. For mine, I must occasionally close both. I'll check it out.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
This is a very good story, one that I am just now coming into. I like it. The names took a moment to adjust to, but after a bit, they assimilated into the story,
Very vivid imagination, and well placed in the story.
So, leaves me to wonder what happened to the General???
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
|
This is a very good story, one that I am just now coming into. I like it. The names took a moment to adjust to, but after a bit, they assimilated into the story,
Very vivid imagination, and well placed in the story.
So, leaves me to wonder what happened to the General???
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
-
A lot of other readers are wondering the same thing. In Book I and book II he had the same mysterious wound develop in his right rib cage. The second miracle was that in both previous cases the wound healed very quickly.
-
How strange, and exciting!
Comment from kiwijenny
Jay another good chapter but I have missed a lot. I have been away from the site for a few weeks. Well penned descriptions. I love the eyebrow caterpillar mating..description of a frown.
Good job.
God bless
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
|
Jay another good chapter but I have missed a lot. I have been away from the site for a few weeks. Well penned descriptions. I love the eyebrow caterpillar mating..description of a frown.
Good job.
God bless
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
-
God bless you as well, Jenny. I'm just glad to get you back on board. I think I missed several of Annie's tales as well, but one thing I know is there will be some unexpected and threatening action taking place. Not always so with mine. But just hang in there.
Comment from alf collier
Hi Jay. Wow, this Colonel Zarbs is heading for disaster. if not with his commander, then by his own guilt and fears. I look forward to the uproar their arrival must surely cause at the palace, always supposing Doctrex will make it (which he must as the central figure in this tale). I wish I started this journey with you from the beginning, and I promise I will try to find the time to go and read everything. I look forward to the encounter with Axtilla, as this is the first I've heard of her. She sounds interesting, alf
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
|
Hi Jay. Wow, this Colonel Zarbs is heading for disaster. if not with his commander, then by his own guilt and fears. I look forward to the uproar their arrival must surely cause at the palace, always supposing Doctrex will make it (which he must as the central figure in this tale). I wish I started this journey with you from the beginning, and I promise I will try to find the time to go and read everything. I look forward to the encounter with Axtilla, as this is the first I've heard of her. She sounds interesting, alf
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
-
Don't worry about reading the back chapters. For a full understanding you'd have to start from the beginning. And that would be an incredible pull. I'll be thrilled if you just keep going from where you are. You know enough for it to make sense. Thanks again.
Comment from LIJ Red
A pal of mine was shot with a 22 rimfire caliber, and didn't know it for several minutes-is Doctrex wounded or ill? Or did learning his sweetie(?) was getting
married break more than his heart? Some needed backstory here for a latecomer.
And the usual care in writing.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
|
A pal of mine was shot with a 22 rimfire caliber, and didn't know it for several minutes-is Doctrex wounded or ill? Or did learning his sweetie(?) was getting
married break more than his heart? Some needed backstory here for a latecomer.
And the usual care in writing.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
-
To quote what I wrote for one reviewer today who wondered about the wound: "In Book I and book II he had the same mysterious wound develop in his right rib cage. The second mystery was that in both previous cases the wound healed very quickly." Thanks for reading, Red.
Comment from c_lucas
You have maintained the suspense of these final chapters. Now as we near the end, you have Dotrex bleeding. I did not see any errors, Very good job of writing.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
|
You have maintained the suspense of these final chapters. Now as we near the end, you have Dotrex bleeding. I did not see any errors, Very good job of writing.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
-
THanks, Charlie. I'm happy to have you for the entire journey.
-
My pleasure, Jay. Charlie
Comment from Sis Cat
Additional comment: Omit the article "a" in "Zarbs a unravels" in your summary.
Spectacular cliffhanger ending. Good use of dialogue--interior and exterior--and tension crafting this tight piece. The writing snaps and crackles with intensity. I am getting a feel for the characters and the story. I want to know what happens next and I care for the characters. Thank you for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
|
Additional comment: Omit the article "a" in "Zarbs a unravels" in your summary.
Spectacular cliffhanger ending. Good use of dialogue--interior and exterior--and tension crafting this tight piece. The writing snaps and crackles with intensity. I am getting a feel for the characters and the story. I want to know what happens next and I care for the characters. Thank you for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
-
I'm just so pleased to have you aboard, Andre. I'm glad it is resonating with you on so many levels.
