THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "ARROWSTORM (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
26 total reviews
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hey, Jay...
Wow! Fast paced chapter. Arrows flying hell, west, and crooked. Body count rising. Just another lazy afternoon, hmmmm??
~~ Just an observation, but perhaps since you're indicting he's shouting, you might want to use an exclamation point?? ~~
"Men," I shouted, "stay calm. The worst thing we can do now is panic."
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*.*)
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Hey, Jay...
Wow! Fast paced chapter. Arrows flying hell, west, and crooked. Body count rising. Just another lazy afternoon, hmmmm??
~~ Just an observation, but perhaps since you're indicting he's shouting, you might want to use an exclamation point?? ~~
"Men," I shouted, "stay calm. The worst thing we can do now is panic."
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax (*.*)
Comment Written 12-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Jax. You are so right. I just went in and fixed it.
Comment from jaeladarling
Whoa, battle scene! Intense - great read! :) Hate to see so many soldiers fall, but it could have been much worse. Hope reinforcements arrive soon! Can't wait to see what happens next. :) Nice work on this one.
Suggestions:
"But, now as our" ("But now, as our")
"I had just time to" ("I just had time to" or "I had just enough time to")
"as Braims Glassem, but was" (No comma)
"to rip my leg off and I" (Comma after "off")
"Hands on my wrists, pushing down." (I *almost* want to say I see what you're doing here, but it's out of place from the rest of the writing style. You may want to consider making this a full sentence.)
"Breathe nice and slow, that's better." (The comma should be a semicolon)
"The--the men." (Comma instead of a period)
"What happened," (Question mark instead of a comma)
"with a tourniquet you wouldn't" (Comma after "tourniquet")
"Someone better tell me, doctor." ("Doctor" with a capital "D")
"And, they'll need to" (No comma)
"And, then we'll all leave together?" (No comma)
"But, how long, doctor?" (No comma after "But")
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Whoa, battle scene! Intense - great read! :) Hate to see so many soldiers fall, but it could have been much worse. Hope reinforcements arrive soon! Can't wait to see what happens next. :) Nice work on this one.
Suggestions:
"But, now as our" ("But now, as our")
"I had just time to" ("I just had time to" or "I had just enough time to")
"as Braims Glassem, but was" (No comma)
"to rip my leg off and I" (Comma after "off")
"Hands on my wrists, pushing down." (I *almost* want to say I see what you're doing here, but it's out of place from the rest of the writing style. You may want to consider making this a full sentence.)
"Breathe nice and slow, that's better." (The comma should be a semicolon)
"The--the men." (Comma instead of a period)
"What happened," (Question mark instead of a comma)
"with a tourniquet you wouldn't" (Comma after "tourniquet")
"Someone better tell me, doctor." ("Doctor" with a capital "D")
"And, they'll need to" (No comma)
"And, then we'll all leave together?" (No comma)
"But, how long, doctor?" (No comma after "But")
Comment Written 12-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Hi Jaela, and thanks for your continued close read. Got my work cut out for me. You're a dear!
Comment from Silence_is_golden233
A very interesting read with very good flow and likeable characters. It shows how war is a very stark and hard situation, thank you very much for posting this. I look forward to following this story.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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A very interesting read with very good flow and likeable characters. It shows how war is a very stark and hard situation, thank you very much for posting this. I look forward to following this story.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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I look forward to HAVING you follow this story. Thanks for your kindness.
Comment from yarnteller
Action packed chapter that held my interest to the very end. Your first person view was done flawlessly as was the pace of the story. I intend to read more of your chapters. Well done.
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reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Action packed chapter that held my interest to the very end. Your first person view was done flawlessly as was the pace of the story. I intend to read more of your chapters. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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I would LOVE to have you aboard to read my novel, Yarnteller. Thank you for honoring this with a five star rating.
Comment from Goodauthor
This is another well written battle scene. I could fell Doctrex detach from the sight shortly after the soldier went down. This is the fantasy. I enjoyed the read.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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This is another well written battle scene. I could fell Doctrex detach from the sight shortly after the soldier went down. This is the fantasy. I enjoyed the read.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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First of all, thank you so much for the 6 star. I'm glad the detachment didn't turn you off. This is early on in the posting. Some won't like it. From the writing standpoint, I've always been intrigued with the transition from alert consciousness to unconsciousness and even over to death. It's difficult because there has to be an observer watching, recording, and if the observer is faithful in his recording it has to have the element of muddled, poetic thinking. Again, Linda, thanks for the honor!
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This fits with the story your writing. You call it a fantasy, so let it be a fantasy. I look forward to these detachments by the general. It makes the story better.
Comment from drivenbackward
Well written, Jay. A few notes to consider:
"Men," I shouted, "Stay calm. The worst thing we can do now is panic." -- If you keep the comma after 'shouted', then you need 'stay calm.' (lowercase)
he said, and took his eyes from mine. -- If you want to save a word: 'he said, taking his eyes from mine.'
And, plenty of paper. -- Strongly consider losing the comma here. It would be technically acceptable and hit a lot harder.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Well written, Jay. A few notes to consider:
"Men," I shouted, "Stay calm. The worst thing we can do now is panic." -- If you keep the comma after 'shouted', then you need 'stay calm.' (lowercase)
he said, and took his eyes from mine. -- If you want to save a word: 'he said, taking his eyes from mine.'
And, plenty of paper. -- Strongly consider losing the comma here. It would be technically acceptable and hit a lot harder.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Dan, for the keen eye about the lower case. I changed that and removed the comma after "And". I appreciate your close read.
