All Those Puzzling Pieces
Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "We, the Peaceful Watchers"What makes a life? How do the pieces fit?
87 total reviews
Comment from Changeisgood
Visionary, You've really caught the process of surfing with visual clarity. Now I don't have to do it. No, really. This is great writing. It tells me more than a picture and I have seen tunneled wave pictures which had to have been taken from a surf board.
Favorite lines: "All turn their boards in order to align/as peaks of blue are building bravely higher/ they tackle breaker's force with whoops of joy/ then thrust, and turn and burn through tunneled waves..." What a ride, nothing like it on earth. Water players and how brave they are. This is a solid, finely wrought poem and my grade attests. Good luck. Changeisgood
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Visionary, You've really caught the process of surfing with visual clarity. Now I don't have to do it. No, really. This is great writing. It tells me more than a picture and I have seen tunneled wave pictures which had to have been taken from a surf board.
Favorite lines: "All turn their boards in order to align/as peaks of blue are building bravely higher/ they tackle breaker's force with whoops of joy/ then thrust, and turn and burn through tunneled waves..." What a ride, nothing like it on earth. Water players and how brave they are. This is a solid, finely wrought poem and my grade attests. Good luck. Changeisgood
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Wow! Thank you so much for your special 'sixer' my dear! I love that you love a piece that I loved writing! :) Sharyn
Comment from Sally Carter
Heck, I'm getting through the 6s this evening!
What a wonderful poem this is. I have never been a surfer, but all the rest of the family are or have been, and I know they would love this.
I love blank verse, and this reads beautifully. What a pleasure.
Wonderful movement and passion throughout, and I specially loved that line:
They laugh and slide down milk'n'cream-laced foam
Well, the next one as well, actually:
So, fluid ... flying - slide and skim to shore - wonderful alliteration, which sounds totally uncontrived.
A fantastic poem. I applaud you and think this is going to take a whole lot of beating.
Bravo
Sally
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Heck, I'm getting through the 6s this evening!
What a wonderful poem this is. I have never been a surfer, but all the rest of the family are or have been, and I know they would love this.
I love blank verse, and this reads beautifully. What a pleasure.
Wonderful movement and passion throughout, and I specially loved that line:
They laugh and slide down milk'n'cream-laced foam
Well, the next one as well, actually:
So, fluid ... flying - slide and skim to shore - wonderful alliteration, which sounds totally uncontrived.
A fantastic poem. I applaud you and think this is going to take a whole lot of beating.
Bravo
Sally
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Thank you so much Sally! I SO appreciate your special '6' as this was a lovely write for me! Blessings, Sharyn
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hello Visionary, What I like about this one is the culture you share with it. I can see the sand and surf and feel the breeze come up and over me. I also can smell the ocean...You have quite the way with words. Bravo. A beautifully written work of art! xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Hello Visionary, What I like about this one is the culture you share with it. I can see the sand and surf and feel the breeze come up and over me. I also can smell the ocean...You have quite the way with words. Bravo. A beautifully written work of art! xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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thx so much kiwi!
Comment from MidnightWriter4U
I like this poem's theme and overall flow. It follows iambic pentameter without regular rhyming pattern. Reader can feel the energy of the youth in contrast to the couple on the beach--the implied subtle sexual undertones. The couple seems to have found the fountain of youth through watching the boys surf. Artwork goes perfectly with theme of poem. Very good read! Enjoyable!
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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I like this poem's theme and overall flow. It follows iambic pentameter without regular rhyming pattern. Reader can feel the energy of the youth in contrast to the couple on the beach--the implied subtle sexual undertones. The couple seems to have found the fountain of youth through watching the boys surf. Artwork goes perfectly with theme of poem. Very good read! Enjoyable!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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The two feminine endings were deliberate, as a "build" mechanism my dear - I didn't want to belabor the point giving too much author explanation - guess I'd better, hmm? Please consider re-rating!
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I was wondering since this was the first of this type poem I have reviewed. I was awaiting your response to do just that if needed. : )
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no, you've got good eyes and I don't fault you for that! I just added an author note, so people would understand that point. Bless you dear. What I usually do, though, is this: I give MOST people a '5' and then gently give them a thorough critique. I only give a '4' if it's sort of sucky (and I mean, REALLY obviously sucky) ... if I think something is even worse than that, I press "skip" and move on - unless I can see it really has potential. Does that help? Let's just call it "diplomacy".
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Hear ya! I went back and uprated. I was hoping to catch you online to ask while I was still online also. That form is somewhat free and I will try to remember that. So many new things to learn! Still trying to figure out how to get picture/artwork on my written works. ????
Comment from donaldww
This is an excellent blank verse. I like your pair of feminine endings (higher / exaltation). I see that you corrected the a nine syllable line I noticed yesterday.
Since you are using punctuation in this verse, I think the following lines should be set aside in parentheses, since the sound like an authorial comment.
Along the coast, the rolling thunder roars.
(Delight of adolescent glory boys
who seize their boards, swim out to meet the surf.)
Super job!
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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This is an excellent blank verse. I like your pair of feminine endings (higher / exaltation). I see that you corrected the a nine syllable line I noticed yesterday.
Since you are using punctuation in this verse, I think the following lines should be set aside in parentheses, since the sound like an authorial comment.
Along the coast, the rolling thunder roars.
(Delight of adolescent glory boys
who seize their boards, swim out to meet the surf.)
Super job!
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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thx DW! I rather liked the feminine endings too, but I suppose I should say something in the author notes! And actually I rather liked the spondee "We", too, but rd wouldn't let me get away with that one! :)
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I don't think you should have to say anything in your notes, unless it is to protect yourself against FS syllable counters who haven't studied scansion. It is a standard to see them in iambic verse.
"When such feminine words occur in the final foot of a line, they may be scanned as a tag, a light stress, which in the scansion is not counted."
--Mary Oliver, Rules for the Dance
An example from rhymed verse:
The winds that will be howling at all hours
And are up-gather'd now like sleeping flowers
--William Wordsworth
Cheers,
DW
Comment from nighttripper
This reads as smooth as an ocean swell before it breaks. The images conjured up are colorful and roll as a movie in my mind. As far as blank verse pentameter etc. I'm lost. Suffice it to say I found it beautiful, calming, and a wonderful story. A very creative poem. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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This reads as smooth as an ocean swell before it breaks. The images conjured up are colorful and roll as a movie in my mind. As far as blank verse pentameter etc. I'm lost. Suffice it to say I found it beautiful, calming, and a wonderful story. A very creative poem. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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thx so much nt!
Comment from Peter@Poole
This blank verse poem is well executed in mainly iambic pentameter, but the following line lacks a syllable and is trochaic: 'We, the peaceful watchers, feel the joy'. Was this intentional? 'Aqua waters' is tautological. Promising verse! Peter
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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This blank verse poem is well executed in mainly iambic pentameter, but the following line lacks a syllable and is trochaic: 'We, the peaceful watchers, feel the joy'. Was this intentional? 'Aqua waters' is tautological. Promising verse! Peter
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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thank you Peter - I think when you have a whole sequence of iambs, you can occasionally take poetic liberties and have an "understood" trochee, but I've changed it to keep the smile on your face dear. HOWEVER "aqua" is a color, so "aqua" as used here is NOT tautological my dear - it means "aqua-colored water", so is quite acceptable. So there you have it - one for me, one for you! :)Sharyn
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MEANING OF AQUA 1. Water: used in compound names of certain liquid substances (as aqua regia ) or solutions of substances in water (as in aqua ammoniae ), esp in the names of pharmacological solutions.
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The above is from a dictionary and is authoritative. Aqua is from Latin and means water.The word aquamarine means seawater, so you are clearly being tautologous. Water-coloured water! Hmmm? Reading another of your reviewers, I find that you changed the line because he also noted you'd dropped a syllable.
Comment from rgabel
Felt the wind and the ocean spray on this one! Favorite line, 'milk'n'cream-laced foam. You capture so well the exhilaration felt by surfers. Your ending lines were so tender. Yet they wrap up well the recognition of days gone by,the yearning to keep the feeling alive forever. I especially liked your explanation of the poem's structure in the author's notes. It helps those of us who are not a poem educated as we need to be!
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Felt the wind and the ocean spray on this one! Favorite line, 'milk'n'cream-laced foam. You capture so well the exhilaration felt by surfers. Your ending lines were so tender. Yet they wrap up well the recognition of days gone by,the yearning to keep the feeling alive forever. I especially liked your explanation of the poem's structure in the author's notes. It helps those of us who are not a poem educated as we need to be!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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thank you so much my dear! I loved writing this piece. :) Sharyn
Comment from Museeker
Absolutely gorgeous, visionary1234! Such description--wonderful phrasing and eloquent passages. "Anticipation--inspiration's breath--..." is so beautifully provocative; a very creative and mellifluous piece. Extremely well written. Thank you so much for sharing this; I look forward to reading more of your beautiful work!
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Absolutely gorgeous, visionary1234! Such description--wonderful phrasing and eloquent passages. "Anticipation--inspiration's breath--..." is so beautifully provocative; a very creative and mellifluous piece. Extremely well written. Thank you so much for sharing this; I look forward to reading more of your beautiful work!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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Thank you so very much, both for your praise and your generous '6'!! My morning coffee will taste extra good! I look forward to sharing more of my pieces with you my dear - may I suggest we "fan" each other, then we'll both receive PM's when new work is posted??? :) Sharyn
Comment from arosebrock
I love this poem even though I have never been surfing when I was reading your poem I felt like I was riding the waves this is great piece of writhing thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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I love this poem even though I have never been surfing when I was reading your poem I felt like I was riding the waves this is great piece of writhing thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2012
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my pleasure! :) Sharyn