Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Toka Moon, Pt. 1"Murder Mystery
51 total reviews
Comment from JW
This was an interesting chapter with a nice hook at the end. One cannot help but wonder about what exactly the creature is.
Good job.
You may want to review the following:
... the small print of the Financial Commitee's (committee's)
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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This was an interesting chapter with a nice hook at the end. One cannot help but wonder about what exactly the creature is.
Good job.
You may want to review the following:
... the small print of the Financial Commitee's (committee's)
Comment Written 22-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Thanks for your review, Jonathon. I purchased Grammarly - a bit expensive but worth the help it gives before posting. I'll take a look, for sure, at your suggestion. I always enjoy hearing form you. Warm regards, Bev
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Thanks. I also use Grammarly. Additionally I use After the Deadline, and I have a lifetime subscription to Whitesmoke. Being dyslexic, I need all the help I can get.
Comment from WilliamDeen
Good work. Enjoyed the read. Looks like a good addition to the story. A few things to mention. You started two sentences with 'And'. It can work. I try to avoid. I'd look at it again and it can be reworked, I would. Same with three sentences starting with 'ing' words. Nothing else to suggest and good job. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Good work. Enjoyed the read. Looks like a good addition to the story. A few things to mention. You started two sentences with 'And'. It can work. I try to avoid. I'd look at it again and it can be reworked, I would. Same with three sentences starting with 'ing' words. Nothing else to suggest and good job. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Thank you, WD, for your generous and helpful review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from missy98writer
Bev
Your latest chapter is exciting and splendidly written with wondrtful imagery. The intriguing is afoot with the Priest recalling a concession. Your descriptive writing is excellent. You used very fine use of metaphor and here is an example: " And even as Father Brian spoke the words of absolution, repugnant images insinuated themselves into the priest's subconscious like freeloading relatives." I immensely enjoy your great narrative voice and strong characterization. I'd recommend your latest chapter to other reviewers to ready. Thank you for entertaining me.
It was my pleasure to have read and reviewed your latest crime story. Would I recommend your latest chapter to someone else? Yes. Bleseed day to you, my friend
Melissa.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Bev
Your latest chapter is exciting and splendidly written with wondrtful imagery. The intriguing is afoot with the Priest recalling a concession. Your descriptive writing is excellent. You used very fine use of metaphor and here is an example: " And even as Father Brian spoke the words of absolution, repugnant images insinuated themselves into the priest's subconscious like freeloading relatives." I immensely enjoy your great narrative voice and strong characterization. I'd recommend your latest chapter to other reviewers to ready. Thank you for entertaining me.
It was my pleasure to have read and reviewed your latest crime story. Would I recommend your latest chapter to someone else? Yes. Bleseed day to you, my friend
Melissa.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Thank you so much, Melissa. Your wonderful review is so supportive and generous. I thank you for taking the time to read my chapter and send along your insights. I really appreciate what a loving and kind lady you are, Melissa. Heart blessings, Bev
Comment from Sloegin
I gave you 5 stars because your verbiage was flawless. The only word change I would make is, from "human-like to "near human" The story was dull. Ther was no conflict nor tension until the very end. It made it difficult to keep reading your chapter. The most excitement was when the logs fell.
"as he crossed the kitchen tile." Who crossed the floor? Way too much about the dog.
Maybe try and put a little tension in your paragraphs. Let the dog sense the presence of the alien.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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I gave you 5 stars because your verbiage was flawless. The only word change I would make is, from "human-like to "near human" The story was dull. Ther was no conflict nor tension until the very end. It made it difficult to keep reading your chapter. The most excitement was when the logs fell.
"as he crossed the kitchen tile." Who crossed the floor? Way too much about the dog.
Maybe try and put a little tension in your paragraphs. Let the dog sense the presence of the alien.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Hi, Sloegin. Sorry you found the story 'dull'. Perhaps that would not have been the case if you'd read previous chapters. Thank you for your suggestions and your review - though I found your negativity a bit offensive. Guess that's because that's not my own personal style. Regards, Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Whoa, woman! This gave me goose bumps, AND, I'll have you know, I'm all alone at home. Crap. The hair on my arms is up on end. Just as I read that last paragraph, there was a bump upstairs. Talk about freaking me out. I have to go to the bathroom. LOL!
Fantastic, my friend. I can't WAIT for the next.
If I had to criticize anything, it's the use of 'ing' words when starting sentences, which are fine. But you need to be careful that they make sense, as here:
Stacking lunch dishes in the sink, he poured the last few inches of coffee from the carafe into a mug and placed several cookies on a plate. - Could he pour coffee and put cookies on a plate all while stacking dishes in the sink? Don't know if you see what I mean.
Here's a quote I stole from the internet which might make it clearer:
"First, don't open a sentence with an -ing phrase unless the action occurring in that phrase happens at the same time as the action in the main part of the sentence (or unless you've included a word like "after" to clarify the timing). The following sentences don't work:
Unlocking the door, she left the room.
Walking toward him, she placed her hand along his cheek."
Hope this helps.
I still have the eeby jeebies from that last paragraph, Bev.
WAH!
Love and goosebumps,
Av
xxx
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Whoa, woman! This gave me goose bumps, AND, I'll have you know, I'm all alone at home. Crap. The hair on my arms is up on end. Just as I read that last paragraph, there was a bump upstairs. Talk about freaking me out. I have to go to the bathroom. LOL!
Fantastic, my friend. I can't WAIT for the next.
If I had to criticize anything, it's the use of 'ing' words when starting sentences, which are fine. But you need to be careful that they make sense, as here:
Stacking lunch dishes in the sink, he poured the last few inches of coffee from the carafe into a mug and placed several cookies on a plate. - Could he pour coffee and put cookies on a plate all while stacking dishes in the sink? Don't know if you see what I mean.
Here's a quote I stole from the internet which might make it clearer:
"First, don't open a sentence with an -ing phrase unless the action occurring in that phrase happens at the same time as the action in the main part of the sentence (or unless you've included a word like "after" to clarify the timing). The following sentences don't work:
Unlocking the door, she left the room.
Walking toward him, she placed her hand along his cheek."
Hope this helps.
I still have the eeby jeebies from that last paragraph, Bev.
WAH!
Love and goosebumps,
Av
xxx
Comment Written 22-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Hi, Av. Thank you so much for this superb review. I had no idea I'd used so many 'ing words until I read your review. Holy
cats. I do know better, and I promise to do better next time, teach LOL! Love it! Forces me to pay attention and not post with haste, though sometimes you just can't see the tree for the forest. I felt bad that I'd taken so long to get a chapter out, and want you to know that Father Brian appears as a result of your last review. You reminded me that I'd left him in the dust.
I'm so pleased I scared you ... at least that was working. hehehe
Love ya, Bev :0)
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P.S. I tried to nomiate you for this review, but apparently I've already met that quota. Thanks much, Av. I really do appreciate your guidance and support. Bev
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Oh, I hear you about posting in haste - been there, done that, made the damn corrections. LOL! And you're right - we don't see the forest for the trees. I sent the dog upstairs to check things out re the bump. Think I'm okay. ;o) x
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Likewise, lovely lady. :o)
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I'm glad to hear it was just a creaking board or something equally mundane (hehehe)
Love ya, Bev
Comment from Anisa-
Hey, Bev!
Well, what can I say? You are developing this very, very well. And with every chapter, the plot grows thicker. I enjoyed this very much!
See you in class on Monday :D
Anisa
repugnant images insinuated themselves into the priest's subconscious like freeloading relatives. - Love this description.
Excellent scene setting with the dog and the Father.
Superb job on building the emotion. Throwing the figurine, etc.
You show the inner turmoil very well.
Great ending.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Hey, Bev!
Well, what can I say? You are developing this very, very well. And with every chapter, the plot grows thicker. I enjoyed this very much!
See you in class on Monday :D
Anisa
repugnant images insinuated themselves into the priest's subconscious like freeloading relatives. - Love this description.
Excellent scene setting with the dog and the Father.
Superb job on building the emotion. Throwing the figurine, etc.
You show the inner turmoil very well.
Great ending.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Hi, Anisa. Thank you for your very encouraging and generous review. I appreciate it.
I see I'm behind on a couple of yours. I'll be reviewing this weekend. Can't wait to see what kind of remarks you got about your screenplay.
Hugs, Bev
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Hey! No worries. I don't expect you to read everything I post! Lol.
Yeah, I posted the script that I submitted to class just to see how it would fair in the 'real' world. LOL!
A
Comment from RazberryBullet
Liked this: Father Brian previously observed Alyx scrutinize parishioners who came for counselling in this manner. Inevitably, the dog would avoid an angry person or rest his paws on the feet of the grieving and lonely. :)
Whoa! That would shock any priest!--Lost agna, vos es iam mei (Lost lamb, you are already mine).
Well done!
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Liked this: Father Brian previously observed Alyx scrutinize parishioners who came for counselling in this manner. Inevitably, the dog would avoid an angry person or rest his paws on the feet of the grieving and lonely. :)
Whoa! That would shock any priest!--Lost agna, vos es iam mei (Lost lamb, you are already mine).
Well done!
Comment Written 22-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Thank you, RazberryBullet. I really appreciate your stopping by to generous review my chapter and offer your encouraging insights. Appreciate it! Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
What a fantastic hook. I can't wait to read more.
Father Brian sat down on the couch, patted the cushion, and the dog leaped onto the space next to him. (you don't need the direction word down, it's understood. I had an editor correct all my next to's and put in beside)
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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What a fantastic hook. I can't wait to read more.
Father Brian sat down on the couch, patted the cushion, and the dog leaped onto the space next to him. (you don't need the direction word down, it's understood. I had an editor correct all my next to's and put in beside)
Comment Written 22-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Hi, Barbara. Thanks for your very encouraging and generous review. I love hearing from teachers. It's one of those smack yourself in the forehead - of course 'beside him' is so much easier! Love it. Take care, Bev
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Ohhhh.. spooky ending, Bev.
Great writing, getting into
the Revs thoughts and fears..
and I like the the dog....
being a dog-lover... dogs can
sense when something's wrong.
dog leaped unto - onto? into?
otherworldly ?? 2 words?
Margaret
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Ohhhh.. spooky ending, Bev.
Great writing, getting into
the Revs thoughts and fears..
and I like the the dog....
being a dog-lover... dogs can
sense when something's wrong.
dog leaped unto - onto? into?
otherworldly ?? 2 words?
Margaret
Comment Written 22-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Hi, Maragret. Great to hear from you. Thanks for catching the SPAG's, and your generous review. I sure appreciate the support. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from robina1978
Have missed quite a bit and do notice that. The priest is looked at as a suspect now. And the people of his church stay away. What a shame. Did not get what the end was about.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Have missed quite a bit and do notice that. The priest is looked at as a suspect now. And the people of his church stay away. What a shame. Did not get what the end was about.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2012
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Thank you for your kind review, Ine. Good to see you back reviewing and writing. Warm regards, Bev
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Welcome and ty for welcome back, I am so pleased to be back. But I am going to take things very slowly with writing and reviewing. Also a member of a far smaller site that is very nice. And I like time to walk the dog.