Highway of Loathing
A Life of Drugs!90 total reviews
Comment from Wendyanne
Wow this is such a powerful piece of dark poetry. Your words are so vividly descriptive that i could almost feel an overwhelming sense of despair. very well done
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
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Wow this is such a powerful piece of dark poetry. Your words are so vividly descriptive that i could almost feel an overwhelming sense of despair. very well done
Comment Written 25-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
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WOW!!!! Thank you for the very kind review and amazing stars, I do appreciate it...dklrd
Comment from C'est Moi
The basis of this poem is a good one, and your subject matter is definitely something that lends itself well to poetry; the passion, the pain, the highs (heh) and lows. Great subject. The poem starts off strong, inviting us into a dimly-lit room, then it switches POV for just one line to say "The stench that you smell is of rotten skin with just a dab of smoke." That could be delivered just as well, or better, without going into a 2nd person point of view and wouldn't jar the reader by the shift.
There are several small things such as that which tripped me up as I read. I'll mention a couple below, hopefully you find them helpful.
"Sitting here alone, I wonder to myself, "How did it get this bad?""
Well, if he's alone who else is he going to wonder to?
"Hunger has arrived, yet, I starve for the only substance that I ache for."
Awkward, you can do better.
Both of the last two lines of stanza two end with the word 'play'.
The narrator spends three stanzas craving their drug, then when they get it we're just told the feeling is overwhelming. Don't tell me that, show me that. Make me feel the hit with them. To do otherwise is a disappointment.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
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The basis of this poem is a good one, and your subject matter is definitely something that lends itself well to poetry; the passion, the pain, the highs (heh) and lows. Great subject. The poem starts off strong, inviting us into a dimly-lit room, then it switches POV for just one line to say "The stench that you smell is of rotten skin with just a dab of smoke." That could be delivered just as well, or better, without going into a 2nd person point of view and wouldn't jar the reader by the shift.
There are several small things such as that which tripped me up as I read. I'll mention a couple below, hopefully you find them helpful.
"Sitting here alone, I wonder to myself, "How did it get this bad?""
Well, if he's alone who else is he going to wonder to?
"Hunger has arrived, yet, I starve for the only substance that I ache for."
Awkward, you can do better.
Both of the last two lines of stanza two end with the word 'play'.
The narrator spends three stanzas craving their drug, then when they get it we're just told the feeling is overwhelming. Don't tell me that, show me that. Make me feel the hit with them. To do otherwise is a disappointment.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
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Thanks for stopping by...dklrd
Comment from tsvi akiva
a fine poetry portraying
drug use
but i felt a lack of emotion
in the telling
true there is good description
but it seemed to fall a degree flat
considering the great despair
i ponder on this line
"How did I get this bad?
in light of how low he's
fallen
how deeply he's become dependent
would he truly ask
In spite of these few comments
i felt the poetry quite worthwhile
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
|
a fine poetry portraying
drug use
but i felt a lack of emotion
in the telling
true there is good description
but it seemed to fall a degree flat
considering the great despair
i ponder on this line
"How did I get this bad?
in light of how low he's
fallen
how deeply he's become dependent
would he truly ask
In spite of these few comments
i felt the poetry quite worthwhile
Comment Written 25-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
-
Thanks for stopping by...dklrd
Comment from frelanz
WOW...what a piece!!! Well written and worded and enjoyable to read, even if is is on the downer side! What you wrote, I am sure there are many out there like this! Excellent job Dawn :o)
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
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WOW...what a piece!!! Well written and worded and enjoyable to read, even if is is on the downer side! What you wrote, I am sure there are many out there like this! Excellent job Dawn :o)
Comment Written 25-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
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thank you very much for the kind review...dklrd
Comment from Patrick Jordan
Powerful write form someone who was there, as I once loved my lady heroin. One day I awoke and said, :There has as to be something more than this," That was forty years ago. Good story!!!
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
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Powerful write form someone who was there, as I once loved my lady heroin. One day I awoke and said, :There has as to be something more than this," That was forty years ago. Good story!!!
Comment Written 25-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
-
Thank you for the very kind review...dklrd
Comment from pigwit
Deal with a lot of friends who have heroin addictions and I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head.
I like this last set of lines.
Closing my eyes, a thought escapes from my lips - "Let this be the time".
Slumping to the floor, I find myself staring at the ceiling and crying.
God, if you can hear me, save me from the despair that swallows my very soul.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
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Deal with a lot of friends who have heroin addictions and I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head.
I like this last set of lines.
Closing my eyes, a thought escapes from my lips - "Let this be the time".
Slumping to the floor, I find myself staring at the ceiling and crying.
God, if you can hear me, save me from the despair that swallows my very soul.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
-
Thank you very much for the kind review...dklrd
Comment from Jewell McChesney
Wow, quite a dark write, here.
You have captured the inward agony of the addict, well in finely tuned poetry.
The color scheme plays it up well too.
sad~
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
|
Wow, quite a dark write, here.
You have captured the inward agony of the addict, well in finely tuned poetry.
The color scheme plays it up well too.
sad~
Comment Written 24-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
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Thank you for the kind review...dklrd
Comment from Kevin C
Wow, deep, dark and so real. Your words are chosen carefully to take you into a dark place. This poem is so descriptive and so dark. Interesting in the end that you cry out for a shot of redemption.Superb if I had 6 stars I would give it.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
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Wow, deep, dark and so real. Your words are chosen carefully to take you into a dark place. This poem is so descriptive and so dark. Interesting in the end that you cry out for a shot of redemption.Superb if I had 6 stars I would give it.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2011
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thank you for the continued support...dklrd
Comment from MENNIPLOSS
This it is a work of great quality, with verses and forming a very pleasant poem, with a contemporary and full subject of reality. I congratulate to you to publish a different, original work and with a great quality. I send a hug to you.
menniploss
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2011
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This it is a work of great quality, with verses and forming a very pleasant poem, with a contemporary and full subject of reality. I congratulate to you to publish a different, original work and with a great quality. I send a hug to you.
menniploss
Comment Written 24-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2011
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WOW!!! Thank you so very much for such a great review, I do appreciate it...dklrd
Comment from Rose Hearth
I like the slow, methodic tone of this poem. Drug abuse is usually characterized by frenzied phrases with bursts of 'agony.' You put it simply, "Let this be the time." Tired of the fight and ready to move on seems to be the theme.
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2011
|
I like the slow, methodic tone of this poem. Drug abuse is usually characterized by frenzied phrases with bursts of 'agony.' You put it simply, "Let this be the time." Tired of the fight and ready to move on seems to be the theme.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2011
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2011
-
Thank you very much for the kind words...dklrd
