Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Challenge."memiors from my life experiences.
97 total reviews
Comment from Daylok
Great Concept and challenge for a true story!! Well done indeed. I do not comment on grammer for I am still learning. From a readers point of view. this was great and flowed nicely!! Thanks for the read!!-Daylok
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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Great Concept and challenge for a true story!! Well done indeed. I do not comment on grammer for I am still learning. From a readers point of view. this was great and flowed nicely!! Thanks for the read!!-Daylok
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
-
thanks for the review and the stars.
-
No problem.
Comment from yellowrosebud
Most excellent poem your summer had me exhausted.I reaally enjoy your summertime story.I was so into reading that I felt every wave and fear.I also like the moral of your story it really is foolish to tempt God.Well Done!
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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Most excellent poem your summer had me exhausted.I reaally enjoy your summertime story.I was so into reading that I felt every wave and fear.I also like the moral of your story it really is foolish to tempt God.Well Done!
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
-
thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from Tellis
What a terrifying ordeal that was. I'm not a great swimmer so if it was me we both would have died. I'm glad you beat the devil and also quit smoking. This was a great story and it had me on the edge of my seat as I read it. Thanks again for the tale.
Tellis
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
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What a terrifying ordeal that was. I'm not a great swimmer so if it was me we both would have died. I'm glad you beat the devil and also quit smoking. This was a great story and it had me on the edge of my seat as I read it. Thanks again for the tale.
Tellis
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
-
thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from animatqua
The content here was riveting. The start was somewhat slow, but it quickly picked up pace. The action was well described and gave me a clear picture--even though I've never been a surfer--about what was going on.
I didn't find any spags, but I was so engrossed with the story they didn't stand out if there were any.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
|
The content here was riveting. The start was somewhat slow, but it quickly picked up pace. The action was well described and gave me a clear picture--even though I've never been a surfer--about what was going on.
I didn't find any spags, but I was so engrossed with the story they didn't stand out if there were any.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
-
thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Much better--I see you've made lots of edits. Pacing is improved. I notice a number of spag nits in first two paragraphs and elsewhere. I think I'd lost that part of my notes in the first review (had written the review on another computer and transferred here). Am adding in corrections and suggestions in parenthesis.
First(,) I should introduce myself(.) I am Timothy. I've lived on Long Island my entire life and have grown to love the ocean. My wife(,) Christine(,) and I have three children(,) Emily(--) thirteen, William(--) sixteen, and T.J.(--) eighteen months. It's been so busy lately that we just haven't had time for dieting and exercise. This summer(,) we decided to get a little rest and relaxation and exercise at the ocean by camping at Smithpoint beach on Fire Island. My wife's brother(,) Tom(,) and sister(,) Pat(,) and Pat's daughter(,) Samantha went with us.
Also, there are still quite a few places where you use was or were instead of a stronger verb.
Suggest scanning for typos, here's one:
" I can't," she cried. (remove unwanted space after quote before I)
Also, I suggest putting speech tags after the dialog. For example-
I yelled," Fight it, Sam. Stand up."
" Fight it, Sam. Stand up," I yelled.
First review ( THREE Stars)
First of all, warm welcome to FS.
This has potential to be a good inspirational story highlighting self-sacrifice. it has potential to draw the reader into the intensity of the situation.
however, the writing style has many nits that prevent it from succeeding in doing so. I offer these extensive reviewing notes in hopes yo be helpful for your in the revision process.
Basic problems in general-
--The writing is very wordy and redundant with overuse of passive voicing, unnecessary pronouns and adverbs.
--There are spag nits and formatting typos here and there
--Pacing is choppy and weighted with heavy emphasis on narration in long paragraphs and very minimal dialog. Not the best style for the tone and energy of this story.
Detailed reviewing notes-
*Found this sentence slightly awkward---consider revising:
And me a nurse, can you imagine?
* So(,) like many people before me and plenty since, I decided to swim anyway.
*At least 5 to 10ft high, (Spell out numbers in alphabet form--five to ten feet high)
*The sky was clear, and the sun was bright. --suggest not using the verb 'was' repeatedly (in general) and twice in such a short line (specifically.)
*What the storm had created was hidden beneath the waves. --Consider using stronger verb than WAS. Maybe lay hidden beneath the waves.
*I could sense what was there, there was a feeling of turmoil and anger,(no ,) mixed with power and exhilaration.
There is a tendency towards redundancy in word usage as well as ideas. In this sentence, the words THERE and WAS are repeated unnecessarily--which makes the writing sound wordy adn impinges on pacing and flow.
Suggestion-
I could sense what was there, a feeling of turmoil and anger mixed with power and exhilaration.
or trimmed even more- ('a feeling of" is somewhat superfluous) and using a colon instead of comma
I could sense what was there: turmoil and anger mixed with power and exhilaration.
*THREE USES OF WAS in a row---
I was in heaven but, it was very exhausting. The current was so strong I came back to the shallows to get my wind,
* This gave me some time for some soul searching. SOME used twice--consider revising.
* THis section (below) is awkward and choppy. Suggest breaking up and reorganizing the sentence structure.
I began to realize that maybe I wasn't right with God. I became gripped with fear. I had gotten away from church, and done a few things, that's lets just say, I'm not proud of.
Also, consider trimming off things like "let's just say" as it pulls the reader out of the story and gives the author's voice more highlight rather than drawing the reader into the character's POV.
*
I was thinking how I could possibly fix things with the Almighty, so I did something incredibly brave, and equally as stupid.
Passive voicing is best avoided unless mandatory. I WAS THINKING. Why not--I thought, or even, I wondered.
I wondered how I could possibly fix things with the Almighty,
*I looked at the water and I said out loud;(,) (Dialog should appear on same line, no line break) (also, try to avoid repeating pronouns unnecessarily: one "I" would suffice here)
"Satan, if you are going to take my soul, take it now or release it." (move this next to speech tag)
*Please read this aloud and see how the pronoun I sticks out as overused...
I guess I was just tired of worrying about it. I then raced back into the sea. I rode these tremendous waves like a mad man, all the while thinking to myself.
this is one example, but this problem occurs throughout the work.
* I swam on till I exhausted myself completely. Feeling completely satisfied I waded out of the ocean feeling victorious.
Always best to limit use of adverbs, but definitely do not repeat the same one two sentences in a row... as evidenced above with the word: completely.
* I conquered the ocean, and Satan, all in one blow. NO COMMAS HERE
* I felt like a giant among men. I sat around the campfire that night remembering the swell of the ocean,
Try not to begin so many sentences with a pronoun plus verb. I felt. I sat, etc. Best to alter sentence structure here and there.
* trim the THEs here:
the roar of the waves and the magic of the summer.
* I made breakfast for my 13 year old daughter, Emily, and my 11 year old niece, Samantha. SPELL OUT NUMBERS with letters not digits
* I then told my brother in law, Tom, I was going over to the ocean for a swim, and Samantha, and Emily,(no ,) quickly asked to come along.
*I rode a couple, and I got slammed and scraped my shoulder on the sandy bottom. (remove second usage of pronoun I--remove comma)
I rode a couple and got slammed
*As I came close to the shore Samantha was there and she asked me,"How is it out there?"
Wordy and choppy. Consider
As I came close to the shore Samantha was there. "How is it out there?" she asked.
*Best t use speech tags only when the reader does not know who is talking. here below, the reader knows it is a dialog between the protagonist and Samantha, so the speech tags can be dropped.
"It's a little rough,"I said. "Why, do you want to go out?"
"Yes," she said.
*The waves started to pound in furiously(,) one after another, and one wave caught hold of her and ripped her from my grasp. --Consider making two sentences.
The waves started to pound in furiously, one after another. One wave caught hold of her and ripped her from my grasp.
Also, consider trimming this line- One wave caught hold and ripped her from my grasp
*Immediately, she was tossed and tumbled.
Wordy! the adverb is superfluous and the passive voicing not optimal. Maybe try: She tossed and tumbled.
*The waves were coming with such force THE WAVES CAME WITH SUCH FORCE....active voicing suits the tone here...'were coming' is too passive for this scene
* More passive voicing-
Next thing I knew, we were both over our heads. We were being pulled out to sea amazingly quick. I was holding her hand and swimming toward the shore with all my might, but I became more and more fearful as the shore was getting farther and farther away.
Suggestion- try choosing pacing and language that reflects the scene's intensity. Use strong verbs and descriptive words, avoiding passive voice and weak verbs like were and was. Just for sake of example--
Next thing I knew, water covered our heads. The sea pulled us out amazingly quick. I held her hand, swimming toward the shore with all my might, but the shore drew farther and farther away. Fear ripped through my cells.
*You can't imagine the terror I felt. The fear, and dread, that coursed through my tired body.
Addressing the readers here pulls them out of the story. not an optimal device.
*The fear, and dread, that coursed through my tired body.
Use active voicing-
Fear and dread coursed through my tired body.
*Cowards, I thought, there is a little girl out here. My mind was racing(RACED) searching for another solution.
use italics for internal voicing... Cowards and there is a little girl out there should be italicized.
* My God, "what am I going to do?"
This should be italicized (no quotes) including the MY GOD part.
*
I searched up in the sky for a rescue plane, but that was in vain.
The reader knows the sky is up. Try to not tell the reader inferable information.
I searched the sky for a rescue plane---more direct and fast paced way to say it. Pace and tone are important in an action scene.
*The shore was getting farther from my sight;
redundant and passive--consider trimming.
*we were at least a 1/4 mile out. (one quarter)
*
I was in despair
I was so tired and my heart was beating a mile a minute.
There was no gas left in my tank.
WAS WAS WAS--PASSIVE!
Despair gripped me.
My tired heart beat a mile a minute.
My gas tank needle pointed to empty.
*I thought about the fact that I could possibly save myself but I quickly dismissed that idea and resigned myself to the fact that these waters could be a chilling end to me.
Please read this aloud and decide if the adverbs are needed or if they slow the pace. :-)
* Please read this aloud, noting how many times you've used the pronoun I
I told Samantha to relax and I tried to figure out the best way to swim with her in tow. I decided on holding her in my left hand so I could swim with my right. I don't think she truly comprehended the danger we were in. I swam for the shore with every last breath that I had. I have run marathons and never been this tired. I feared my heart would give out. I didn't look at the shore or look at her behind me. I just drove for the shore.
* please apply ALL OF THE ABOVE OBSERVATIONS TO THESE TWO PARAGRAPHS AS WELL.
Soon I was in the swell of a wave. It was a monster. I could easily have caught it myself but I was towing Samantha behind me. If I caught the wave in she wouldn't and the force of the wave would pull us apart. She would be left to fend for herself and with the tide pulling out so fast she would be lost. If I didn't catch the wave then all the water from this humongous wave would pull us back out to sea as the water receded. I had to make a decision and fast.
I had no energy left so with no other choice available, I decided to set her into a wave. I had to catch this wave because another wave this far out may not come again for 15 minutes. By that time I could be a quarter mile out again. Samantha protested quite a bit. The wave was passed me but with a Herculean effort I managed to push her through the back of the wave into it. My effort paid off as she began to coast toward the shore.
*To my luck(,) there was another wave right behind it.
* TRIM THE WORD WAS!
I was able to ride some way up the beach. I was desperately searching for Sam and I was horrified as I saw her start to get sucked back out to sea.
*
I yelled," Fight it Sam stand up."
" I can't." she cried.
THE PUNCTUAITON is off above- Corrected:
I yelled, "Fight it, Sam. Stand up."
" I can't," she cried.
*She was in waist deep(waist-deep) water
* All the above advice applies to this too-
I laid there on the shore. We had gotten swept down the beach a little so I didn't have to face all the people that I had terrified by our harrowing ordeal. I asked Samantha not to tell her mother. I'm sure she didn't. I got up and slowly walked over to my beach chair and sat. I was exhausted for about three days after this event. There are two things you can be sure of. Samantha walked out of that ocean before I did and the other is that I was a complete idiot for taking her out there. I quit smoking the next day and haven't smoked since.
*I laid there on the shore.
I lay there on the shore.
*
It wasn't till later that day when I prayed an "Our Father".
It wasn't till later that day that I prayed an 'Our Father'.
I got a clear sense of the character and the scene in spite of above drawbacks and think this will make a fine story if you work on it. Do let me know if you revise, as I'd be happy to re-review.
Best wishes,
rd
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
 |
Second review
Much better--I see you've made lots of edits. Pacing is improved. I notice a number of spag nits in first two paragraphs and elsewhere. I think I'd lost that part of my notes in the first review (had written the review on another computer and transferred here). Am adding in corrections and suggestions in parenthesis.
First(,) I should introduce myself(.) I am Timothy. I've lived on Long Island my entire life and have grown to love the ocean. My wife(,) Christine(,) and I have three children(,) Emily(--) thirteen, William(--) sixteen, and T.J.(--) eighteen months. It's been so busy lately that we just haven't had time for dieting and exercise. This summer(,) we decided to get a little rest and relaxation and exercise at the ocean by camping at Smithpoint beach on Fire Island. My wife's brother(,) Tom(,) and sister(,) Pat(,) and Pat's daughter(,) Samantha went with us.
Also, there are still quite a few places where you use was or were instead of a stronger verb.
Suggest scanning for typos, here's one:
" I can't," she cried. (remove unwanted space after quote before I)
Also, I suggest putting speech tags after the dialog. For example-
I yelled," Fight it, Sam. Stand up."
" Fight it, Sam. Stand up," I yelled.
First review ( THREE Stars)
First of all, warm welcome to FS.
This has potential to be a good inspirational story highlighting self-sacrifice. it has potential to draw the reader into the intensity of the situation.
however, the writing style has many nits that prevent it from succeeding in doing so. I offer these extensive reviewing notes in hopes yo be helpful for your in the revision process.
Basic problems in general-
--The writing is very wordy and redundant with overuse of passive voicing, unnecessary pronouns and adverbs.
--There are spag nits and formatting typos here and there
--Pacing is choppy and weighted with heavy emphasis on narration in long paragraphs and very minimal dialog. Not the best style for the tone and energy of this story.
Detailed reviewing notes-
*Found this sentence slightly awkward---consider revising:
And me a nurse, can you imagine?
* So(,) like many people before me and plenty since, I decided to swim anyway.
*At least 5 to 10ft high, (Spell out numbers in alphabet form--five to ten feet high)
*The sky was clear, and the sun was bright. --suggest not using the verb 'was' repeatedly (in general) and twice in such a short line (specifically.)
*What the storm had created was hidden beneath the waves. --Consider using stronger verb than WAS. Maybe lay hidden beneath the waves.
*I could sense what was there, there was a feeling of turmoil and anger,(no ,) mixed with power and exhilaration.
There is a tendency towards redundancy in word usage as well as ideas. In this sentence, the words THERE and WAS are repeated unnecessarily--which makes the writing sound wordy adn impinges on pacing and flow.
Suggestion-
I could sense what was there, a feeling of turmoil and anger mixed with power and exhilaration.
or trimmed even more- ('a feeling of" is somewhat superfluous) and using a colon instead of comma
I could sense what was there: turmoil and anger mixed with power and exhilaration.
*THREE USES OF WAS in a row---
I was in heaven but, it was very exhausting. The current was so strong I came back to the shallows to get my wind,
* This gave me some time for some soul searching. SOME used twice--consider revising.
* THis section (below) is awkward and choppy. Suggest breaking up and reorganizing the sentence structure.
I began to realize that maybe I wasn't right with God. I became gripped with fear. I had gotten away from church, and done a few things, that's lets just say, I'm not proud of.
Also, consider trimming off things like "let's just say" as it pulls the reader out of the story and gives the author's voice more highlight rather than drawing the reader into the character's POV.
*
I was thinking how I could possibly fix things with the Almighty, so I did something incredibly brave, and equally as stupid.
Passive voicing is best avoided unless mandatory. I WAS THINKING. Why not--I thought, or even, I wondered.
I wondered how I could possibly fix things with the Almighty,
*I looked at the water and I said out loud;(,) (Dialog should appear on same line, no line break) (also, try to avoid repeating pronouns unnecessarily: one "I" would suffice here)
"Satan, if you are going to take my soul, take it now or release it." (move this next to speech tag)
*Please read this aloud and see how the pronoun I sticks out as overused...
I guess I was just tired of worrying about it. I then raced back into the sea. I rode these tremendous waves like a mad man, all the while thinking to myself.
this is one example, but this problem occurs throughout the work.
* I swam on till I exhausted myself completely. Feeling completely satisfied I waded out of the ocean feeling victorious.
Always best to limit use of adverbs, but definitely do not repeat the same one two sentences in a row... as evidenced above with the word: completely.
* I conquered the ocean, and Satan, all in one blow. NO COMMAS HERE
* I felt like a giant among men. I sat around the campfire that night remembering the swell of the ocean,
Try not to begin so many sentences with a pronoun plus verb. I felt. I sat, etc. Best to alter sentence structure here and there.
* trim the THEs here:
the roar of the waves and the magic of the summer.
* I made breakfast for my 13 year old daughter, Emily, and my 11 year old niece, Samantha. SPELL OUT NUMBERS with letters not digits
* I then told my brother in law, Tom, I was going over to the ocean for a swim, and Samantha, and Emily,(no ,) quickly asked to come along.
*I rode a couple, and I got slammed and scraped my shoulder on the sandy bottom. (remove second usage of pronoun I--remove comma)
I rode a couple and got slammed
*As I came close to the shore Samantha was there and she asked me,"How is it out there?"
Wordy and choppy. Consider
As I came close to the shore Samantha was there. "How is it out there?" she asked.
*Best t use speech tags only when the reader does not know who is talking. here below, the reader knows it is a dialog between the protagonist and Samantha, so the speech tags can be dropped.
"It's a little rough,"I said. "Why, do you want to go out?"
"Yes," she said.
*The waves started to pound in furiously(,) one after another, and one wave caught hold of her and ripped her from my grasp. --Consider making two sentences.
The waves started to pound in furiously, one after another. One wave caught hold of her and ripped her from my grasp.
Also, consider trimming this line- One wave caught hold and ripped her from my grasp
*Immediately, she was tossed and tumbled.
Wordy! the adverb is superfluous and the passive voicing not optimal. Maybe try: She tossed and tumbled.
*The waves were coming with such force THE WAVES CAME WITH SUCH FORCE....active voicing suits the tone here...'were coming' is too passive for this scene
* More passive voicing-
Next thing I knew, we were both over our heads. We were being pulled out to sea amazingly quick. I was holding her hand and swimming toward the shore with all my might, but I became more and more fearful as the shore was getting farther and farther away.
Suggestion- try choosing pacing and language that reflects the scene's intensity. Use strong verbs and descriptive words, avoiding passive voice and weak verbs like were and was. Just for sake of example--
Next thing I knew, water covered our heads. The sea pulled us out amazingly quick. I held her hand, swimming toward the shore with all my might, but the shore drew farther and farther away. Fear ripped through my cells.
*You can't imagine the terror I felt. The fear, and dread, that coursed through my tired body.
Addressing the readers here pulls them out of the story. not an optimal device.
*The fear, and dread, that coursed through my tired body.
Use active voicing-
Fear and dread coursed through my tired body.
*Cowards, I thought, there is a little girl out here. My mind was racing(RACED) searching for another solution.
use italics for internal voicing... Cowards and there is a little girl out there should be italicized.
* My God, "what am I going to do?"
This should be italicized (no quotes) including the MY GOD part.
*
I searched up in the sky for a rescue plane, but that was in vain.
The reader knows the sky is up. Try to not tell the reader inferable information.
I searched the sky for a rescue plane---more direct and fast paced way to say it. Pace and tone are important in an action scene.
*The shore was getting farther from my sight;
redundant and passive--consider trimming.
*we were at least a 1/4 mile out. (one quarter)
*
I was in despair
I was so tired and my heart was beating a mile a minute.
There was no gas left in my tank.
WAS WAS WAS--PASSIVE!
Despair gripped me.
My tired heart beat a mile a minute.
My gas tank needle pointed to empty.
*I thought about the fact that I could possibly save myself but I quickly dismissed that idea and resigned myself to the fact that these waters could be a chilling end to me.
Please read this aloud and decide if the adverbs are needed or if they slow the pace. :-)
* Please read this aloud, noting how many times you've used the pronoun I
I told Samantha to relax and I tried to figure out the best way to swim with her in tow. I decided on holding her in my left hand so I could swim with my right. I don't think she truly comprehended the danger we were in. I swam for the shore with every last breath that I had. I have run marathons and never been this tired. I feared my heart would give out. I didn't look at the shore or look at her behind me. I just drove for the shore.
* please apply ALL OF THE ABOVE OBSERVATIONS TO THESE TWO PARAGRAPHS AS WELL.
Soon I was in the swell of a wave. It was a monster. I could easily have caught it myself but I was towing Samantha behind me. If I caught the wave in she wouldn't and the force of the wave would pull us apart. She would be left to fend for herself and with the tide pulling out so fast she would be lost. If I didn't catch the wave then all the water from this humongous wave would pull us back out to sea as the water receded. I had to make a decision and fast.
I had no energy left so with no other choice available, I decided to set her into a wave. I had to catch this wave because another wave this far out may not come again for 15 minutes. By that time I could be a quarter mile out again. Samantha protested quite a bit. The wave was passed me but with a Herculean effort I managed to push her through the back of the wave into it. My effort paid off as she began to coast toward the shore.
*To my luck(,) there was another wave right behind it.
* TRIM THE WORD WAS!
I was able to ride some way up the beach. I was desperately searching for Sam and I was horrified as I saw her start to get sucked back out to sea.
*
I yelled," Fight it Sam stand up."
" I can't." she cried.
THE PUNCTUAITON is off above- Corrected:
I yelled, "Fight it, Sam. Stand up."
" I can't," she cried.
*She was in waist deep(waist-deep) water
* All the above advice applies to this too-
I laid there on the shore. We had gotten swept down the beach a little so I didn't have to face all the people that I had terrified by our harrowing ordeal. I asked Samantha not to tell her mother. I'm sure she didn't. I got up and slowly walked over to my beach chair and sat. I was exhausted for about three days after this event. There are two things you can be sure of. Samantha walked out of that ocean before I did and the other is that I was a complete idiot for taking her out there. I quit smoking the next day and haven't smoked since.
*I laid there on the shore.
I lay there on the shore.
*
It wasn't till later that day when I prayed an "Our Father".
It wasn't till later that day that I prayed an 'Our Father'.
I got a clear sense of the character and the scene in spite of above drawbacks and think this will make a fine story if you work on it. Do let me know if you revise, as I'd be happy to re-review.
Best wishes,
rd
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
-
thanks for the review and the stars.
-
thanks again
-
MOst welcome. Please let me know if you make edits, okay?
Best wishes, rd
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
This is a very well written story, full of mystery and suspense. The dialogue is good and flows well and the story line is easy to follow.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
|
This is a very well written story, full of mystery and suspense. The dialogue is good and flows well and the story line is easy to follow.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
-
thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from Barbara Scheepers
Thank you for a gripping story - I lived the terrort of it all with you! Good lesson - repentance from sin, trusting God, and realiszing that 'greater is he that is in us than he that is in the world.' Well done, and God bless.
edit: I laid (lay) there on the sand.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
|
Thank you for a gripping story - I lived the terrort of it all with you! Good lesson - repentance from sin, trusting God, and realiszing that 'greater is he that is in us than he that is in the world.' Well done, and God bless.
edit: I laid (lay) there on the sand.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
-
thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from jmyron
An awesome story. I have a story of saving a child, but it had nothing to do with the sea. I may write about it some day. Well written, good description and imagery. Write on.
John
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
|
An awesome story. I have a story of saving a child, but it had nothing to do with the sea. I may write about it some day. Well written, good description and imagery. Write on.
John
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
-
thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from G.Denton
I read this last night on my mobile phone, which isn't an easy task to do, but I enjoyed it so much I carried on reading anyway. All the way down I was thinking "What a great concept, to challenge to the devil". It shocked me to see it was true also, you took your story and turned it into a brilliant piece of writing. Good luck in the competition :)
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
|
I read this last night on my mobile phone, which isn't an easy task to do, but I enjoyed it so much I carried on reading anyway. All the way down I was thinking "What a great concept, to challenge to the devil". It shocked me to see it was true also, you took your story and turned it into a brilliant piece of writing. Good luck in the competition :)
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
-
thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from Robert D Wilson
WOW! Very nice rendering of a true story, Keimosobie! There is plenty of action and tension, the character flaw of the main character [your huberousness], Dual antagonists [the sea and the devil], a great struggle, and the resulting lesson learned. I believed you have covered all of the bases for compelling drama.
I read more for entertainment, but didn't catch any obvious errors. Great job my friend!
Blessings,
Bob
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
|
WOW! Very nice rendering of a true story, Keimosobie! There is plenty of action and tension, the character flaw of the main character [your huberousness], Dual antagonists [the sea and the devil], a great struggle, and the resulting lesson learned. I believed you have covered all of the bases for compelling drama.
I read more for entertainment, but didn't catch any obvious errors. Great job my friend!
Blessings,
Bob
Comment Written 23-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2010
-
thanks for the review and the stars.