Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 43 "Chapter 12; part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
71 total reviews
Comment from Lou67
This is an excellent piece of writing I can't fault it in any way. Your writing is clear cut and easy to follow. Your storyline is interesting and flows smoothly, and your dialogue is natural
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2010
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This is an excellent piece of writing I can't fault it in any way. Your writing is clear cut and easy to follow. Your storyline is interesting and flows smoothly, and your dialogue is natural
Comment Written 19-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from axelbeariter
In front of him stood Peggy./should be, Peggy stood in front of him--use active voice---"I hear you're single, again."/comma not needed after single---When Matt said Steven promised to discuss things when he returned, I could wait./convert this sentence to present tense--internal dialogue is always thought in present tense---Very good dialogue--You have covered Leya and Steven's estrangement for two chapters. A reader may not be patient enough to wait so long for a resolution--your call though.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2010
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In front of him stood Peggy./should be, Peggy stood in front of him--use active voice---"I hear you're single, again."/comma not needed after single---When Matt said Steven promised to discuss things when he returned, I could wait./convert this sentence to present tense--internal dialogue is always thought in present tense---Very good dialogue--You have covered Leya and Steven's estrangement for two chapters. A reader may not be patient enough to wait so long for a resolution--your call though.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2010
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I will take your suggestion under consideration. Steven and Leya will not get back together until the end of the novel, but there is plenty of action in between, my fans are enjoying it so far, but I will listen for rumblings. Thank you for your review.
Comment from RazberryBullet
Peggy doesn't give up, does she? What an ugly seduction ploy!
Nice hook at the end :)-If Peggy had made advances toward my father, he would've obliged her. I need to do something and fast.
Good job!
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2010
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Peggy doesn't give up, does she? What an ugly seduction ploy!
Nice hook at the end :)-If Peggy had made advances toward my father, he would've obliged her. I need to do something and fast.
Good job!
Comment Written 19-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Mastery
Excellent writing, Barbara. I haven't been in tune with all the chapters but each time I check your story gets better and better and I marvel at the way you use superb dialogue Examole: "Leya's cheeks turned a healthy pink. "I can say that." The natural combo works very well for you. Your story line is right on too as far as I can tell..Good for you.. You are a talented writer...Bob
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2010
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Excellent writing, Barbara. I haven't been in tune with all the chapters but each time I check your story gets better and better and I marvel at the way you use superb dialogue Examole: "Leya's cheeks turned a healthy pink. "I can say that." The natural combo works very well for you. Your story line is right on too as far as I can tell..Good for you.. You are a talented writer...Bob
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind words. I took a hit from another reviewer that said I didn't know how to write because I didn't use enough descriptions. I tried to tell her my style isn't one that goes for flowery descriptions and there's a market for both, she disagreed. You just lifted my ego.
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Never....I mean never, barbara, listen to BS like that. You do just fine..Your descriptive abilities have to come along as you write more and more..Just tuck it away in the nback of your mind (descriptions I mean) not what th eperson said, and work at it as best as you can. Bravo! Your writing is excellent. Was this some expert? Really? Then what is he or she doing wasting their time on Fanstory? XX Bob
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with your usual good form and sense of writing. i always enjoy reading your work and look forward to your next post. until next time
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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this is very well written with your usual good form and sense of writing. i always enjoy reading your work and look forward to your next post. until next time
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
Are you sure the woman's name isn't Piggy? I enjoyed this read and couldn't find anything to criticize. Different backgrounds, different motivations, and perhaps a bit of danger coming on.
Yes, yes, I'll find out soon enough...
Dave
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Barbara,
Are you sure the woman's name isn't Piggy? I enjoyed this read and couldn't find anything to criticize. Different backgrounds, different motivations, and perhaps a bit of danger coming on.
Yes, yes, I'll find out soon enough...
Dave
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and the stars. I appreciate your support.
Comment from fictionwriter
Another wonderful chapter. Peggy is just a shameless hussy isn't she. I would never throw myself at someone like that. Poor Leya. Great job.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Another wonderful chapter. Peggy is just a shameless hussy isn't she. I would never throw myself at someone like that. Poor Leya. Great job.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Peggy is a female with an agenda, and Steven is that agenda. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rama devi
You really excel in writing dialog. Sounds true to life and to character. This chapter relies heavily on dialog. Maybe a bit more narrative would be good, but the pace and flow are swift and easy to read also because of the dialog.
One question about the way you wrote time---is this British style?
0900 hours
Why not just say 9 o'clock?
Just a thought.
No spags or nits.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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You really excel in writing dialog. Sounds true to life and to character. This chapter relies heavily on dialog. Maybe a bit more narrative would be good, but the pace and flow are swift and easy to read also because of the dialog.
One question about the way you wrote time---is this British style?
0900 hours
Why not just say 9 o'clock?
Just a thought.
No spags or nits.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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That's the way it's done in the military, and the men are with the US Army, although assinged to the Taks Force. Thank you for your review. I appreciate it.
Comment from laurelp
Nicely done. I didn't think it was too long. And you left me wanting to read more. Always a good sign. Your descriptions were spot on and the picture works well.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Nicely done. I didn't think it was too long. And you left me wanting to read more. Always a good sign. Your descriptions were spot on and the picture works well.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from Amanda Dcosta
I like the story line, but somehow I think you can do better on the writing. It is like you just give the 'he said this, she said that, they did this..' sort of thing with little description to the setting that will make us get more involved. It's like a 'from the audience' view rather than 'being in the story' angle.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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I like the story line, but somehow I think you can do better on the writing. It is like you just give the 'he said this, she said that, they did this..' sort of thing with little description to the setting that will make us get more involved. It's like a 'from the audience' view rather than 'being in the story' angle.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
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I have decided you don't like my style of writing. Many of my fans praise my style as being direct and crisp. That is my voice. It is not for everyone and I appreciate your opinion. I don't choice to read novels that spend paragraphs decribing a scene, but some people like that, I do not. Both styles have their fans and that's why there are so many different styles and genres.
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Oh my Lord. If this is a coincidence, forgive me. but I try not to check out the writer to review an article. I rate the piece by itself without looking at the name. Believe me, this is not done out of spite, and if you feel this way, I am really really sorry. But I do give reviews for the way I see it. On the other hand, shout you decide to mute me, I will understand. But this is pure coincidence and I dont mean to be spiteful, although it may look this way.
But, I still hold fast to my review as that is what I honestly felt when I read your work.
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You have a right to your opinion and I would never try to squash that, but my style is very sharp and crisp. I have numerous fans that like and praise me for being sharp and crisp. I do not and don't want to use extra words. I choose to write that way and there is a market for writers that use my style. There is also a market for writers whose style is very descriptive.