Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 41 "Chapter 11; part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
65 total reviews
Comment from fionageorge
Another great chapter, well written, at a good pace. Excellent use of dialogue, which stays true to character.
I have couple of suggestions for your consideration:
Leya requested a doctor." Matt paused, before he continued, "I just assumed you knew."
[he wouldn't pause after he continued. This sentence does not read right. Perhaps:
Leya requested a doctor." Matt paused.
"I just assumed you knew," he continued after a while.
Leya's lack of sleep last night has [rempve 'has'] caused complications from the yellow fever.
He slammed the front door hard enough the window broke and an alarm went off.
(This sentence needs breaking up to make any sense. Perhaps:
He slammed the front door so hard it shattered the window. this in turn set off an alarm.
I hope these suggestions are useful.
I look forward to the next chapter.
Warmest regards, Marijke
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Another great chapter, well written, at a good pace. Excellent use of dialogue, which stays true to character.
I have couple of suggestions for your consideration:
Leya requested a doctor." Matt paused, before he continued, "I just assumed you knew."
[he wouldn't pause after he continued. This sentence does not read right. Perhaps:
Leya requested a doctor." Matt paused.
"I just assumed you knew," he continued after a while.
Leya's lack of sleep last night has [rempve 'has'] caused complications from the yellow fever.
He slammed the front door hard enough the window broke and an alarm went off.
(This sentence needs breaking up to make any sense. Perhaps:
He slammed the front door so hard it shattered the window. this in turn set off an alarm.
I hope these suggestions are useful.
I look forward to the next chapter.
Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment Written 06-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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he wouldn't pause after he continued. (He didn't he paused BEFORE he continued) Thank you for your review an suggestions. I will review the others and see which way readss better.
Comment from kukarad70
Dear Barbara.wilkey,
It is fantastic romance fiction, Tantalizing Eyes -Chapter 41: Chapter 11; part 3, which you have written to give security to Leya Vegas. She's the granddaughter of a famous drug lord. Steven married to give protection to her. But her nature made Steven angry while she was in the hospital for doctor's treatment. She blamed to Steven ruining her as he was ready even to pay for postage and take care her lot, gave money to doctor written by Leya. So that, it is nice that I got chance to experience of climax of anger of Steven and his move outside and hurrified following of Leya saying "Steven, I love you." Here she is failing to understand the sentiment of Stevan and she could put herself backward from precious love to get from Stevan. Thanks a lot for your interesting fiction.
Kamal
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Dear Barbara.wilkey,
It is fantastic romance fiction, Tantalizing Eyes -Chapter 41: Chapter 11; part 3, which you have written to give security to Leya Vegas. She's the granddaughter of a famous drug lord. Steven married to give protection to her. But her nature made Steven angry while she was in the hospital for doctor's treatment. She blamed to Steven ruining her as he was ready even to pay for postage and take care her lot, gave money to doctor written by Leya. So that, it is nice that I got chance to experience of climax of anger of Steven and his move outside and hurrified following of Leya saying "Steven, I love you." Here she is failing to understand the sentiment of Stevan and she could put herself backward from precious love to get from Stevan. Thanks a lot for your interesting fiction.
Kamal
Comment Written 06-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Beauty28
Hi There, I have not read any of your previous chapters.
However, from what I have just read, and by the name of the title, Tantalising Eyes", I think it would be very enjoyable.
I loved the flow of this and it read very well as well.
I think that men can be really mean and nasty at times. I was married to one of them once and ended up leaving him because of this and I lost a baby as well.
They can also be very arrogant and stubborn and I am married to one of them now. What a blast, one of each. This was not planned, Richard is wonderful and he has all the good qualities and he was worth waiting for.
I guess you could say that men are a lot alike and you have to take the good with the bad.
Below is a good example I thought of how men can snap and just let go out of the blue, and leave the woman in such a state of despair. I know this from personal experence, I can assure you it can be just like this.
I don't want to listen to your lies." Steven rushed passed Ralph and snapped, "You're in charge. I need time alone." He slammed the front door hard enough the window broke and an alarm went off.
Leya tried to follow but wasn't fast enough. "Steven, I love you." She fell to the floor sobbing."
I was impressed by the way you left us guessing what was going to happen after this chapter. Well done. Beauty28
I
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Hi There, I have not read any of your previous chapters.
However, from what I have just read, and by the name of the title, Tantalising Eyes", I think it would be very enjoyable.
I loved the flow of this and it read very well as well.
I think that men can be really mean and nasty at times. I was married to one of them once and ended up leaving him because of this and I lost a baby as well.
They can also be very arrogant and stubborn and I am married to one of them now. What a blast, one of each. This was not planned, Richard is wonderful and he has all the good qualities and he was worth waiting for.
I guess you could say that men are a lot alike and you have to take the good with the bad.
Below is a good example I thought of how men can snap and just let go out of the blue, and leave the woman in such a state of despair. I know this from personal experence, I can assure you it can be just like this.
I don't want to listen to your lies." Steven rushed passed Ralph and snapped, "You're in charge. I need time alone." He slammed the front door hard enough the window broke and an alarm went off.
Leya tried to follow but wasn't fast enough. "Steven, I love you." She fell to the floor sobbing."
I was impressed by the way you left us guessing what was going to happen after this chapter. Well done. Beauty28
I
Comment Written 05-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I am where you are at.
Comment from CKLA
Barbara,
I love this chapter. You did a fantastic job opening a new thread into the story. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Collette
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Barbara,
I love this chapter. You did a fantastic job opening a new thread into the story. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Collette
Comment Written 05-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from DearlB
I have not read previous chapters, but this one was an easy read and flowed well.
I found no spag problems.
Best of luck,
Dearl
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2010
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I have not read previous chapters, but this one was an easy read and flowed well.
I found no spag problems.
Best of luck,
Dearl
Comment Written 05-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from uclayan
I'm new to FanStory and now I'm sorry I missed the first chapters. The short, sharp chapters remind me of James Patterson's writings. Reading left me wondering what happened before and what's going to happen next. Isn't that what all writers want? I'll be looking to get to know the characters.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2010
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I'm new to FanStory and now I'm sorry I missed the first chapters. The short, sharp chapters remind me of James Patterson's writings. Reading left me wondering what happened before and what's going to happen next. Isn't that what all writers want? I'll be looking to get to know the characters.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from nora arjuna
oh why is the man so angry? hmm, men are always like that.. not willing to listen and reason. they never care if they hurt their lovers' hearts. well, we'll see what happens. nice, short chapter.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2010
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oh why is the man so angry? hmm, men are always like that.. not willing to listen and reason. they never care if they hurt their lovers' hearts. well, we'll see what happens. nice, short chapter.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Ancientmemory1
I saw nothing to add or correct within this addition to your chapter. Dialogue was believable and flowed thoughout the piece. I liked how you ended this piece leaving the reader to wonder what happens next. A nice read.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2010
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I saw nothing to add or correct within this addition to your chapter. Dialogue was believable and flowed thoughout the piece. I liked how you ended this piece leaving the reader to wonder what happens next. A nice read.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Connie P
Very well written chapter Barbara, I've only gotten to read a couple of your chapters, the story line is interesting and very well written.
Connie
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2010
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Very well written chapter Barbara, I've only gotten to read a couple of your chapters, the story line is interesting and very well written.
Connie
Comment Written 05-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from mjfande
Once again, another excellent chapter. I like the nice interesting twist to the story. I look forward to seeing how everything plays out. Good luck with the writing and the parents:)
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2010
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Once again, another excellent chapter. I like the nice interesting twist to the story. I look forward to seeing how everything plays out. Good luck with the writing and the parents:)
Comment Written 05-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.