CSP: A Collection of Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 100 "Our Song"A collection of poetry
23 total reviews
Comment from Carol D Parker
You sure have learned a lot. Stay and teach us. This is a great little piece of work. I hope you win. Good luck.
Delora
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You sure have learned a lot. Stay and teach us. This is a great little piece of work. I hope you win. Good luck.
Delora
Comment Written 13-Jan-2009
Comment from Judian James
This is a piece I love to hate and hate to love! I'm not quite sure what you're saying. The first few lines are sounding very postive and then the second few lines, not so much. If you're in harmony, I'd think you'd crossed the bridge, so to speak. Just the switch to "our" for "a" in the first line and "that we have crossed" or that "we now will cross" seems to make all the difference to me. With 15 words, each one is so important to the message.
Am I just not getting it Sue?
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2009
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This is a piece I love to hate and hate to love! I'm not quite sure what you're saying. The first few lines are sounding very postive and then the second few lines, not so much. If you're in harmony, I'd think you'd crossed the bridge, so to speak. Just the switch to "our" for "a" in the first line and "that we have crossed" or that "we now will cross" seems to make all the difference to me. With 15 words, each one is so important to the message.
Am I just not getting it Sue?
Comment Written 13-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2009
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Well, you might have something here. In song, there is usually the melody, then bridge to chorus, then melody. Or in symphony, a bridge is a transition. So, maybe the two stanzas may need to be reversed. Will have a strong look at it. Good points. Will let you know. Thanks very much for your reading this well. Sue
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I switched around the stanzas. What do you think?
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What a difference!! I like it so much better. (I still sort of like "our" instead of "a" ... more intimate but that's just me) excellent
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Thanks very much for your help, Jude! Much better. I'm going to leave the "a" there, as "OUR" and "US" may sound redundant. But, I do appreciate your suggestions! Sue
Comment from Domino
Hi, Chris
Very unique musical take on love. Don't they say 'music is the food of loce'? - I've probably got that wrong, but it's appropriate here. Great stuff, particularly original last 2 lines. Good luck, Ray xx
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reply by the author on 13-Jan-2009
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Hi, Chris
Very unique musical take on love. Don't they say 'music is the food of loce'? - I've probably got that wrong, but it's appropriate here. Great stuff, particularly original last 2 lines. Good luck, Ray xx
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2009
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My widdle heart is bwoken. You forgot my name. LOL!!! Hey, Ray...thanks so much for this great review. Glad you liked it. :-)) Sue
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Sue, oh Sue, how could I
Forget a name so sweet
Susie, you're so special, and
You sweep me off my feet!
xx