The Backyard
An Ubi Sunt Contest Entry33 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Chris,
And hidden within the apparent chaos is the order of the Unseen Hand. I enjoyed the story within the story: Life taking life to continue life. Excellent.
Sue
Favorite lines:
whose brown leaves emit a death rattle
in the light-infused bristled tips
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Chris,
And hidden within the apparent chaos is the order of the Unseen Hand. I enjoyed the story within the story: Life taking life to continue life. Excellent.
Sue
Favorite lines:
whose brown leaves emit a death rattle
in the light-infused bristled tips
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Susan,
Thanks for the 6! I?m really glad you enjoyed this one. I?m not a fan of free verse and almost never write in it but lately this is the way I?m getting the download. Hoping the rhymes return!
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Always welcome!
Comment from Jesse James Doty
This is engaging and interesting in a sort of passive way. It reads like we are eavesdropping on the writer as he goes about his day. It is enjoyable to read and contemplate what is going on in his mind, is it right? Or is it freeing himself of temptation to just lay down for a while and take a snooze?
Good question. Either way, it evokes a strong sense of a love of plants and animals.
Thanks for the joyride!
Jesse
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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This is engaging and interesting in a sort of passive way. It reads like we are eavesdropping on the writer as he goes about his day. It is enjoyable to read and contemplate what is going on in his mind, is it right? Or is it freeing himself of temptation to just lay down for a while and take a snooze?
Good question. Either way, it evokes a strong sense of a love of plants and animals.
Thanks for the joyride!
Jesse
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Jesse,
Thank you for reading the poem and for the kind review. I think you?re right?this is more a poetic internal monologue.
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I am happy you agree with me!
Jesse
Comment from Wendy G
I enjoyed this guided conversation as you walked around the garden after the bird hit the window. We observe its short life, sudden end, note the wisteria, the magnolias, the fruit trees,and then the dead ligustrum with its death rattle (excellent!!), another sign of the ephemeral nature of all living things. Next is the hawk with dead prey, and then the return to musing about the dead tree. Very enjoyable read! Thought-provoking too. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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I enjoyed this guided conversation as you walked around the garden after the bird hit the window. We observe its short life, sudden end, note the wisteria, the magnolias, the fruit trees,and then the dead ligustrum with its death rattle (excellent!!), another sign of the ephemeral nature of all living things. Next is the hawk with dead prey, and then the return to musing about the dead tree. Very enjoyable read! Thought-provoking too. Best wishes for your entry.
Wendy
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Wendy,
Thanks so much for the 6! I?m glad you enjoyed my little internal monologue.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
An olio of basic beauty and the confusing ingredients, that I say will lose more than a few readers. Entropy, ligustrum, both which needed to be defined, and waves collapsing by "some" or maybe a sleight of hand. i liked it but became befuddled with parts herein.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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An olio of basic beauty and the confusing ingredients, that I say will lose more than a few readers. Entropy, ligustrum, both which needed to be defined, and waves collapsing by "some" or maybe a sleight of hand. i liked it but became befuddled with parts herein.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Tom,
Sorry for the confusion. I assumed most folks would be familiar with ligustrum. Entropy on the other hand is a pandora?s box. "An observer collapsing waves" is a reference to Niels Bohr?s theory that matter at the subatomic level is both particle and wave and therefore does not exist in any fixed position until it is actually observered. It?s a fascinating theory and one that deeply disturbed Einstein who was never able to disprove it.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is a nice poem considering the transience of plants, a normal stage of nature. You are quite right though that we don't like to see the death and decay of beautiful greenery. Kate xx
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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This is a nice poem considering the transience of plants, a normal stage of nature. You are quite right though that we don't like to see the death and decay of beautiful greenery. Kate xx
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Kate,
Thanks for the kind review. Sometimes FanStory exercises its own form of entropy!
Comment from phill doran
Hello again,
I came to this late last night, and I chose to leave it until today to respond - with a fresher mind.
I am not too keen on unstructured verse, but I am keen on articulate and intelligent use of language and atmosphere. The words work well here, creating a melancholy, reflective feeling. A thoughtful selection of key words - nothing fancy, but nothing jarring either: it feels real.
I have not heard of an Ubi sunt 'form', but I think (having read the brief) you have responded well to its restrictions and guidelines, as I understand them.
The 'story' is elegantly handled, and a lovely twist to unburden the reader (It Was The Plant That Died).
You have a good pen and two is a row, for me, is a feast.
Cheers
phill
I think spring is a lower-case s, unless you broke rank there for a reason I failed to pick up on...
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Hello again,
I came to this late last night, and I chose to leave it until today to respond - with a fresher mind.
I am not too keen on unstructured verse, but I am keen on articulate and intelligent use of language and atmosphere. The words work well here, creating a melancholy, reflective feeling. A thoughtful selection of key words - nothing fancy, but nothing jarring either: it feels real.
I have not heard of an Ubi sunt 'form', but I think (having read the brief) you have responded well to its restrictions and guidelines, as I understand them.
The 'story' is elegantly handled, and a lovely twist to unburden the reader (It Was The Plant That Died).
You have a good pen and two is a row, for me, is a feast.
Cheers
phill
I think spring is a lower-case s, unless you broke rank there for a reason I failed to pick up on...
Comment Written 04-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Thanks for the addition 6! I?m really glad you enjoyed this one. I?m not usually a fan of free verse and almost never write in it but lately this is the way I?m getting the download. Hoping the rhymes return soon!
You are correct about spring. Fixed!
Comment from karenina
Impressive! Life is constantly in a in state of flux...evolving, becoming, waning..
Life and death are occuring above, below, beside one another...
You captured the metamorphosis of an Ubi sunt poem very well.
In elevated free verse.
Great final line!
Karenina
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Impressive! Life is constantly in a in state of flux...evolving, becoming, waning..
Life and death are occuring above, below, beside one another...
You captured the metamorphosis of an Ubi sunt poem very well.
In elevated free verse.
Great final line!
Karenina
Comment Written 03-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Karenina,
Thanks for all the member bumps! I?m really glad you enjoyed this one. I?m not usually a fan of free verse and almost never write in it but lately this is the way I?m getting the download. Hoping the rhymes return soon!
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I've been museless for a bit....but prior to that, I, too suddenly morphed into free verse.
(Who knows where these things come from?)
Anyway, since I'm doing a lot of reviewing and no posting I want to member bump those that I inspire me!
Like you!
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job, C2, of contrasting the life of the
various garden plants with that of the prey the hawk
caught. As it is perched atop the pecan tree, it represents
life and death in nature. Your words flowed smoothly with
great imagery. The ending was good, too. For a brief second
or two, readers may wonder if you intend to cut down the hawk
or the dead ligustrum. Then we found out which one.
Best wishes in the contest, Jan
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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You did a great job, C2, of contrasting the life of the
various garden plants with that of the prey the hawk
caught. As it is perched atop the pecan tree, it represents
life and death in nature. Your words flowed smoothly with
great imagery. The ending was good, too. For a brief second
or two, readers may wonder if you intend to cut down the hawk
or the dead ligustrum. Then we found out which one.
Best wishes in the contest, Jan
Comment Written 03-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2022
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Thank you Jan! Glad to know you enjoyed this one.
Comment from Bill Schott
This Ubi Sunt , The Backyard, is a vivid description of this garden and the assorted flora and fauna therein. Best line:
...brown leaves emit a death rattle in the stiff breeze...
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2022
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This Ubi Sunt , The Backyard, is a vivid description of this garden and the assorted flora and fauna therein. Best line:
...brown leaves emit a death rattle in the stiff breeze...
Comment Written 03-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2022
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Thanks Bill. Glad you enjoyed it. And thanks for the kind feedback!
Comment from Tina Crute
I feel like I just walked around your garden and observed the bloody feathers, new growth in the pot and weather activity. I saw the trees in various states. I like the phrasing and lack of punctuation in this type of poem. The story is more believable with incomplete sentences and wandering thoughts, as if you are talking to a friend or even to yourself. Well done!
Tina
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2022
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I feel like I just walked around your garden and observed the bloody feathers, new growth in the pot and weather activity. I saw the trees in various states. I like the phrasing and lack of punctuation in this type of poem. The story is more believable with incomplete sentences and wandering thoughts, as if you are talking to a friend or even to yourself. Well done!
Tina
Comment Written 03-Jul-2022
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2022
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Ha! Maybe all poems are us just talking to ourselves but loud enough for others to listen if they want to do so! Thank you for taking the time to read my poem and for your kind review.
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You may be right!You'e welcome:)
