Romancing Mr. Bryce
Fate Keeps Score.47 total reviews
Comment from write hand blue
I didn't really notice that it was long. A sort of last minute love story before senility completely claims yet another intellect.
You get into his mind and we see his limited function and poor communication as it would be. Well described and realistically put across.
You mention the thirty seven years they were together. I feel overdue to the knackers yard as we total some forty five, and I'm still standing. LOL.
Good luck in the contest...
~Mel~
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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I didn't really notice that it was long. A sort of last minute love story before senility completely claims yet another intellect.
You get into his mind and we see his limited function and poor communication as it would be. Well described and realistically put across.
You mention the thirty seven years they were together. I feel overdue to the knackers yard as we total some forty five, and I'm still standing. LOL.
Good luck in the contest...
~Mel~
Comment Written 12-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2016
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Thanks, Mel for your great review. I was married to my wife for 47 years before we split. I don't feel any mental slippage, either, but my muse lately has been a little slow on the uptake. She used to have that perfect word at the ready. Now she just says, "Use the freakin' Thesaurus.
Jay
Jay
Comment from cterp
Start preparing your victory speech, because this one is a winner, Jay. This is so finely crafted, perfectly honed, deeply layered. The details that you work in make the story:
The school concerts. The flutophones!
Flutophones? Who'd think of flutophones? It's perfect!
And all that stuff about the tobacco and him remembering it? Also perfect!
I hope you are circulating this story among lit mags.
chris
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Start preparing your victory speech, because this one is a winner, Jay. This is so finely crafted, perfectly honed, deeply layered. The details that you work in make the story:
The school concerts. The flutophones!
Flutophones? Who'd think of flutophones? It's perfect!
And all that stuff about the tobacco and him remembering it? Also perfect!
I hope you are circulating this story among lit mags.
chris
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Chris, I feel blessed to have you reading my stuff. You really know how to puff up a guy's confidence, LOL! Thanks for your lovely review. I suppose I should see about sending this out. My last experience with a literary magazine ended with my getting paid $19 for a submission. I don't know what I was thinking, but I figured it would capture at least a hundred. Thanks for your kindness, Chris.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. A smashing opening for this story. I like it. You have some great images all the way through this write, I'm sure you know that.
Like: "Her eyes were trained in, watching his mouth. "That smile." She looked to the ceiling, the corners of her mouth twitching, eyes blinking."
And: "Above the hipbone a purpling bruise, indeed thumb-shaped, looked oddly out-of-place against her creamy-white waist. She let the folds of her smock fall to the floor, gave the wrinkles a shake and trained her eyes back on him."
Also: " Keeping her smiling eyes on his face the whole while, she grasped the hem of the left side of her smock and worked it up her leg, past her knee to mid-thigh, then slowed for a moment while she glanced back at the door;"
However some of it is a bit TOO detailed and therefore loses it's impact. LIke: "She counted them by touching her fingertips. "Two, three, four--and one is under fifty. But in all fairness, he had a stroke. Still and all, the lights are out. But not you ... even on a bad day, you know, when you have, well, some trouble stringing words together, your mind's flashing a hundred bright colored lights behind your eyes."
And:"Her mouth twisted and then her eyelashes started fluttering until they squeegeed out two wet mascara trails to her nose."
Suggestions: "You win. Millicent, then." Try, "You win then, mullicent."
And: "I-I blush on account of the way you look at me." Try. "I blush because of the way you look at me."
Also: "Millicent leaned into him, cradled his head in her hands, and gently pulled him toward her. She brought her mouth down, brushed her lips against his forehead, then after a moment, pressed them there. Then she pulled back." Try: "Millicent leaned in and cradled his head in her hands. Gently pulling him to her, she brushed her lips over his forehead, then planted a kiss there."
Great job for the most part, my friend. You may just win this romance contest with a few changes. Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Hi, Jay. A smashing opening for this story. I like it. You have some great images all the way through this write, I'm sure you know that.
Like: "Her eyes were trained in, watching his mouth. "That smile." She looked to the ceiling, the corners of her mouth twitching, eyes blinking."
And: "Above the hipbone a purpling bruise, indeed thumb-shaped, looked oddly out-of-place against her creamy-white waist. She let the folds of her smock fall to the floor, gave the wrinkles a shake and trained her eyes back on him."
Also: " Keeping her smiling eyes on his face the whole while, she grasped the hem of the left side of her smock and worked it up her leg, past her knee to mid-thigh, then slowed for a moment while she glanced back at the door;"
However some of it is a bit TOO detailed and therefore loses it's impact. LIke: "She counted them by touching her fingertips. "Two, three, four--and one is under fifty. But in all fairness, he had a stroke. Still and all, the lights are out. But not you ... even on a bad day, you know, when you have, well, some trouble stringing words together, your mind's flashing a hundred bright colored lights behind your eyes."
And:"Her mouth twisted and then her eyelashes started fluttering until they squeegeed out two wet mascara trails to her nose."
Suggestions: "You win. Millicent, then." Try, "You win then, mullicent."
And: "I-I blush on account of the way you look at me." Try. "I blush because of the way you look at me."
Also: "Millicent leaned into him, cradled his head in her hands, and gently pulled him toward her. She brought her mouth down, brushed her lips against his forehead, then after a moment, pressed them there. Then she pulled back." Try: "Millicent leaned in and cradled his head in her hands. Gently pulling him to her, she brushed her lips over his forehead, then planted a kiss there."
Great job for the most part, my friend. You may just win this romance contest with a few changes. Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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As always, with kindness you turn my mind inward to look for ways to improve. You have some cogent arguments, Bob. I will give each and every one consideration. Except for grammatical or other structural errors, however, I decided not to make changes in the text. But afterwards, I'm thinking of submitting it to a few magazines. Your suggestions will play a part in that final edit. Thanks again, Bob.
Comment from Spitfire
I'm crying! This is Pulitzer Prize material. What an opening! What detailed feelings. You got right into the head of a man struggling to make sense out of his past and the present. Confusion is much of what marks Alzheimer's.
A clever sub-plot with the nurse being fired and her interaction with Mr. Bryce. His humor made us love him. The back story is woven in with the wife's remarks about leaving him.
Please don't let this molder on FS. It needs to be shared with the world. This could win top honors in a Writer's Digest short story contest.
If I come across any possibilities, I'll e-mail them to you.
Jay, you've blown me away. Of course, I can connect the situation as one that will afflict Frank someday.
Shari
XX
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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I'm crying! This is Pulitzer Prize material. What an opening! What detailed feelings. You got right into the head of a man struggling to make sense out of his past and the present. Confusion is much of what marks Alzheimer's.
A clever sub-plot with the nurse being fired and her interaction with Mr. Bryce. His humor made us love him. The back story is woven in with the wife's remarks about leaving him.
Please don't let this molder on FS. It needs to be shared with the world. This could win top honors in a Writer's Digest short story contest.
If I come across any possibilities, I'll e-mail them to you.
Jay, you've blown me away. Of course, I can connect the situation as one that will afflict Frank someday.
Shari
XX
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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What a huge tribute you honored me with, Shari. Thank you so much. I must admit, while you and Frank were not the impetus for this story, your situation came to consciousness on several occasions during its writing. You mentioned Frank not recognizing his relative (I forget which). You are the second person to suggest my marketing this out. I appreciate any leads you might provide. Thanks again, Shari for your support.
Comment from marion
Hi Jay
Wow! I thoroughly enjoyed this. It's a little beauty. The writing is tasteful, captures the feeling, the mood, the place. I can't find anything to correct - except maybe this?
You've changed POV here?
She waited for him to say something. (It was important to her that he say something, he knew.)
There are lots of small sentences that pop up in the right place, the perfect place. I'm not going back over the story to pick them out! There's too many! I thoroughly enjoyed.
Marion.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Hi Jay
Wow! I thoroughly enjoyed this. It's a little beauty. The writing is tasteful, captures the feeling, the mood, the place. I can't find anything to correct - except maybe this?
You've changed POV here?
She waited for him to say something. (It was important to her that he say something, he knew.)
There are lots of small sentences that pop up in the right place, the perfect place. I'm not going back over the story to pick them out! There's too many! I thoroughly enjoyed.
Marion.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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I honor your 6's more than any others. I know you're reading at an uncanny depth. "She waited for him to say something." This was supposed to be his third person introspection. I try to avoid the overuse of the italicized 1st person for personal thoughts. Thank you so much, Marion. You rock!
Comment from Reedblitzerman
[That was it! What I meant. Why'd she say Millie?] this is good. The first time as the reader I realized for sure something was wrong. You present a puzzle to be solved.
["You don't recognize her? I know, dear. But today you might."] you ring the belll again, here. Very effective, rising to become a challenge.
[ I take care of residents here younger than you.] So either you've been through a rest home or you've done your research. My wife worked for one in marketing for a brief year. There are indeed many young people there. An excellent little jewel.
[your mind's flashing a hundred bright colored lights behind your eyes] another great injection here. To be trapped by the loss of memory. Th be unchanged by time and still find yourself much older.
[she turned back and gave him a weary look, like she would a puppy who'd been naughty] excellent description.
[So hard sometimes.] A small phrase, but it echoes his mental state perfectly. This character has a tremendous amount of internal life.
[he ball cleared the net, took a hop] This is great, carrying the description through. It gives continuity to the piece. Even plants a question, "Did he used to play tennis?" You accomplish a lot with a small phrase here.
["Sor-ry,"] again, excellent. So different from the movies where amnesiacs express a remarkable vocabulary and relatively little disorientation.
[No place to hide.] excellent empathy for your character. An immersive comment.
[I couldn't hurt you, Millicent.] This stands out even more on second reading. In his own way, he's moved on. His ex-wife is thinking of how they were, and he's thinking of Millicent. A love triangle without nubile vampires.
[ I still had the memories] poigant. Those of us old enough to have powerful memories know what this is like. When the past is so vibrant. We go to them again and again. This passage rings very true.
[the other woman's pocket] subtle, so subtle. He attaches no emotion to her.
["I hope not, too. I don't want you to forget me, Walter. I don't know why ...."] Such a human thing to say. There is connection, isn't there? this bit hints at something larger, out of sight.
Jay this was really good. Up there with some of your best work. I think at one point you changed tenses briefly from third person to first. Perhaps this could even be a first person story? More importantly maybe was that it was so immersive either would have worked well. It gives me the impression that the worm turned for you in the writing of this one.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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[That was it! What I meant. Why'd she say Millie?] this is good. The first time as the reader I realized for sure something was wrong. You present a puzzle to be solved.
["You don't recognize her? I know, dear. But today you might."] you ring the belll again, here. Very effective, rising to become a challenge.
[ I take care of residents here younger than you.] So either you've been through a rest home or you've done your research. My wife worked for one in marketing for a brief year. There are indeed many young people there. An excellent little jewel.
[your mind's flashing a hundred bright colored lights behind your eyes] another great injection here. To be trapped by the loss of memory. Th be unchanged by time and still find yourself much older.
[she turned back and gave him a weary look, like she would a puppy who'd been naughty] excellent description.
[So hard sometimes.] A small phrase, but it echoes his mental state perfectly. This character has a tremendous amount of internal life.
[he ball cleared the net, took a hop] This is great, carrying the description through. It gives continuity to the piece. Even plants a question, "Did he used to play tennis?" You accomplish a lot with a small phrase here.
["Sor-ry,"] again, excellent. So different from the movies where amnesiacs express a remarkable vocabulary and relatively little disorientation.
[No place to hide.] excellent empathy for your character. An immersive comment.
[I couldn't hurt you, Millicent.] This stands out even more on second reading. In his own way, he's moved on. His ex-wife is thinking of how they were, and he's thinking of Millicent. A love triangle without nubile vampires.
[ I still had the memories] poigant. Those of us old enough to have powerful memories know what this is like. When the past is so vibrant. We go to them again and again. This passage rings very true.
[the other woman's pocket] subtle, so subtle. He attaches no emotion to her.
["I hope not, too. I don't want you to forget me, Walter. I don't know why ...."] Such a human thing to say. There is connection, isn't there? this bit hints at something larger, out of sight.
Jay this was really good. Up there with some of your best work. I think at one point you changed tenses briefly from third person to first. Perhaps this could even be a first person story? More importantly maybe was that it was so immersive either would have worked well. It gives me the impression that the worm turned for you in the writing of this one.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Bless you Reed! You hit all the highlights I was aiming for. I wish you had pointed out the shift to 1st person. I did it 3 or 4 times during the first two promotion days and they were pointed out. I thought I had them all. If you could find it, I'd appreciate it.
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Can't find it now! You must have fixed it already.
Comment from jpduck
This is remarkable, Jay. All the qualities and confusions of a dream, woven into written words -- the dream of a lost life.
I started feeling cross with it because of its want of linear clarity, and finished in awe and wonder.
Thank you so much.
Adrian
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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This is remarkable, Jay. All the qualities and confusions of a dream, woven into written words -- the dream of a lost life.
I started feeling cross with it because of its want of linear clarity, and finished in awe and wonder.
Thank you so much.
Adrian
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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You've made my Sunday morning worthwhile with your kind words, especially since you are "straight ahead" with the honesty of your comments. A jab followed by a right cross. I'm happy you hung in past the choppy, scattered opening. Your six was the whipped cream on top. Thanks.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Hi Jay, I enjoyed reading your story with such intricate details explained fully. You built a very strong character in Walter, and I was a little bit in love with him myself at the end. Good luck for the competition, Giddy
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Hi Jay, I enjoyed reading your story with such intricate details explained fully. You built a very strong character in Walter, and I was a little bit in love with him myself at the end. Good luck for the competition, Giddy
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2016
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Thank you so much, Giddy. It's getting a lot of favorable commentary, but it's a tad long, I fear.
Comment from light
This is a true romance story. You show the thinking of Walter which was so very touching. Living in your memories is what happens. I remember telling my children when they were young to make good memories because someday that will be all you have. Great writing.
All the best in the contest.
Elaine
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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This is a true romance story. You show the thinking of Walter which was so very touching. Living in your memories is what happens. I remember telling my children when they were young to make good memories because someday that will be all you have. Great writing.
All the best in the contest.
Elaine
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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What a sweet review, Elaine. You give good advice to your children. Thank you also for the well-wishes.
Comment from Irish Rain
Wonderful story! Alzheimer's affects different people different ways, my husbands mother called me 'the woman who stole my boy', right up til the end. Walter is still there though. His light bulbs are still turned on, and though he doesn't seem to remember his wife, he remembers his memories with her. The 'Jacob' I'm assuming was their son? It seems to me here, that though Walter is the one in the nursing home bed, it's the women who are sick with love, one, the love of a patient that she'll miss,(or is it her teasing him that she'll miss?) and the other, the love of a man she used to know. I really like this, quite a switch from the normal love story. good luck to you, and blessings....
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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Wonderful story! Alzheimer's affects different people different ways, my husbands mother called me 'the woman who stole my boy', right up til the end. Walter is still there though. His light bulbs are still turned on, and though he doesn't seem to remember his wife, he remembers his memories with her. The 'Jacob' I'm assuming was their son? It seems to me here, that though Walter is the one in the nursing home bed, it's the women who are sick with love, one, the love of a patient that she'll miss,(or is it her teasing him that she'll miss?) and the other, the love of a man she used to know. I really like this, quite a switch from the normal love story. good luck to you, and blessings....
Comment Written 10-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2016
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Hi, Judy. Yes, Jacob is his son. Millicent is a dilemma. I purposely left her ill-defined, but definitely flirtatious. Thanks for reading this and seeing there is latitude in the definition of romance.
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romance....until we die....ALWAYS has room for latitude!!!!