THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Doctrex Sets the Hook"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
36 total reviews
Comment from foxangie123
Yes you are still a magnificent author that captivates the reader and places them inside the story itself like watching television. Excellent as always.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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Yes you are still a magnificent author that captivates the reader and places them inside the story itself like watching television. Excellent as always.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
what a compliment, Angie. Thank you so much.
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It is the truth. You really are..
Comment from Curly Girly
Doctrex is spinning lies to frighten his brother, in the hope that he will not marry Axtilla. His warnings are scorned and laughed at. I am not sure of his love for Pondria, I think it might be feighned.
Another well-written chapter, Jay.
Nicole
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Doctrex is spinning lies to frighten his brother, in the hope that he will not marry Axtilla. His warnings are scorned and laughed at. I am not sure of his love for Pondria, I think it might be feighned.
Another well-written chapter, Jay.
Nicole
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Many thanks, Nicole. Stick around. Things are gonna pop.
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Many thanks, Nicole. Stick around. Things are gonna pop.
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is yet another interesting addition to the story that the author has created with this piece of writing. This is an age old problem. Young women have been married to old men for a long time. Well done.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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This is yet another interesting addition to the story that the author has created with this piece of writing. This is an age old problem. Young women have been married to old men for a long time. Well done.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thanks, Tomes. Appreciate your review.
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Thanks, Tomes. Appreciate your review.
Comment from RGstar
"Which brings us back to the night of their assignments, with Father and daughter in their room and the groom in his room.''
De- capitalise ''Father'' there Jay, as I see you have used small letters later in the text for the same so it is not used in place of the person's name throughout.
Written in the first person, you are in complete control, Jay. As I am not familiar with the story I have to start slowly and come up to pace. I analyze the aura, narrative and sense of feel as if reading a new book, relying on natural ambiance and judgement along with the narrative for the chapter.
And? And? The barrister was dead? Is that what happened?"
I think you gotta re-work that line a little Jay.
''The barrister was dead'' is not really a question, more than a confirmation or even a statement...so might remove that question mark and place a comma or full stop after ''dead'' unless of course you begin that second clause with
''was''
''Was the barrister dead? Is that what happened?
One does not need to capitalise after a question mark unless there is a full sentence...this saves multiple question marks. In this case you have a sentence after the question marks so perfectly OK. In the case of ''And?'' ''And?'' I am not sure as the second ''And '' does not constitute a sentence...however, a writer has licence so I would not call the tune there...perhaps ok with one ''And'' with hope you still find emphasis on the word and the action depicted from it.
Hope you see where I.m going with that,Jay.
Poetry and prose in this form is completely different and call for a thought process so one is not incorporated in the other.
You have shown me what a formidable author you are. You have celled in both. This I would call a holding chapter...where discussions and manoeuvres are part and parcel, bedding for action at some stage.
After reading through I read your author's notes and happy you have everything documented there. This gives me an opening to come quickly to scratch with the direction of the write. Bravo.
It will help immensely for your next chapter.
I enjoy reading your work, my friend, for it is indeed good.
Although a feeling-out chapter for me, I give this six stars for the control and the ease in narrative in which you command good cont roll.
Bravo.
Have a great day.
RGstar
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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"Which brings us back to the night of their assignments, with Father and daughter in their room and the groom in his room.''
De- capitalise ''Father'' there Jay, as I see you have used small letters later in the text for the same so it is not used in place of the person's name throughout.
Written in the first person, you are in complete control, Jay. As I am not familiar with the story I have to start slowly and come up to pace. I analyze the aura, narrative and sense of feel as if reading a new book, relying on natural ambiance and judgement along with the narrative for the chapter.
And? And? The barrister was dead? Is that what happened?"
I think you gotta re-work that line a little Jay.
''The barrister was dead'' is not really a question, more than a confirmation or even a statement...so might remove that question mark and place a comma or full stop after ''dead'' unless of course you begin that second clause with
''was''
''Was the barrister dead? Is that what happened?
One does not need to capitalise after a question mark unless there is a full sentence...this saves multiple question marks. In this case you have a sentence after the question marks so perfectly OK. In the case of ''And?'' ''And?'' I am not sure as the second ''And '' does not constitute a sentence...however, a writer has licence so I would not call the tune there...perhaps ok with one ''And'' with hope you still find emphasis on the word and the action depicted from it.
Hope you see where I.m going with that,Jay.
Poetry and prose in this form is completely different and call for a thought process so one is not incorporated in the other.
You have shown me what a formidable author you are. You have celled in both. This I would call a holding chapter...where discussions and manoeuvres are part and parcel, bedding for action at some stage.
After reading through I read your author's notes and happy you have everything documented there. This gives me an opening to come quickly to scratch with the direction of the write. Bravo.
It will help immensely for your next chapter.
I enjoy reading your work, my friend, for it is indeed good.
Although a feeling-out chapter for me, I give this six stars for the control and the ease in narrative in which you command good cont roll.
Bravo.
Have a great day.
RGstar
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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I think you were quite generous with your 6 stars, RG. A 5 would have been sufficient along with your cogent advise and suggestions. Thank you for all that. I'm gonna decapitalize Father now and look very closely at your other suggestions. Thank you, sir. You are quite knowledgeable.
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I think you were quite generous with your 6 stars, RG. A 5 would have been sufficient along with your cogent advise and suggestions. Thank you for all that. I'm gonna decapitalize Father now and look very closely at your other suggestions. Thank you, sir. You are quite knowledgeable. I'm putting your name on my list for next month's "thumbs up" award. I've used my last.
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My friend,its a pleasure to review your work, as said,for things of beauty give me pleasure, indeed.
Best wishes, Jay
Comment from Fridayauthor
Lots of tension that moves this slowly and methodically, holding the reader tightly.
Very well done with great, understandable dialog.
Just to remain picky...perhaps one less "barrister" in the early paragraph.
Great job, Jay!
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Lots of tension that moves this slowly and methodically, holding the reader tightly.
Very well done with great, understandable dialog.
Just to remain picky...perhaps one less "barrister" in the early paragraph.
Great job, Jay!
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Many thanks, Ray. One less barrister... I'll check that out, sir. Thank you so much for the sixer. I've already given away my last. Didn't even last until Monday.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Solid chapter as usual, Jay. Flowed well with good descriptions and unwavering POV.
A few observations:
It pained the barrister to think it, but what could such a lovely child see in a man nearly twice her age except his fortune(?) - I think this merits a question mark.
by the frantic sounds of() 'Fire!' - delete comma
"The barrister left his room. He was the one lacking in faith. The young lady and her father followed their assignments."
"Mojo, Glnot. Mojo. Its justice is exact, The barrister was killed because he left his room, like you said. Violation of his assignment caused his death. But make no mistake about it, the young lady and her father defied the Mojo or they wouldn't have died. Makes you wonder what the groom saw through the window. When the fire was put out, theirs was the only room in the estate that burned. Nothing outside it, except a bit of shrubbery, within which the barrister's charred body lay." - great paragraph. Very atmospheric. :)
I tapped my temple. - I like that response! Says it all without dialogue. :)
his lips contorting as with words he struggled to get out. - this doesn't read quite right to me. Maybe take a look?
Have a spiffy day!
Av
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Solid chapter as usual, Jay. Flowed well with good descriptions and unwavering POV.
A few observations:
It pained the barrister to think it, but what could such a lovely child see in a man nearly twice her age except his fortune(?) - I think this merits a question mark.
by the frantic sounds of() 'Fire!' - delete comma
"The barrister left his room. He was the one lacking in faith. The young lady and her father followed their assignments."
"Mojo, Glnot. Mojo. Its justice is exact, The barrister was killed because he left his room, like you said. Violation of his assignment caused his death. But make no mistake about it, the young lady and her father defied the Mojo or they wouldn't have died. Makes you wonder what the groom saw through the window. When the fire was put out, theirs was the only room in the estate that burned. Nothing outside it, except a bit of shrubbery, within which the barrister's charred body lay." - great paragraph. Very atmospheric. :)
I tapped my temple. - I like that response! Says it all without dialogue. :)
his lips contorting as with words he struggled to get out. - this doesn't read quite right to me. Maybe take a look?
Have a spiffy day!
Av
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thank you, Av, for the accolades and the suggestions. The accolades make me blush, the suggestions keep me humble and grounded. Thanks for both.
I've made all the suggested corrections. I took out the "as" after "his lips contorted". Still not happy with it. Will look it over later.
A thousand thank yous.
Comment from Ulla
It's excellent writing here, Jay. The conversation really makes this chapter. I will admit that I got away from reading this story but will go back and read through your notes once more so I can follow it better. All the best. Ulla
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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It's excellent writing here, Jay. The conversation really makes this chapter. I will admit that I got away from reading this story but will go back and read through your notes once more so I can follow it better. All the best. Ulla
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thank you, Ulla. Glad you're coming back to it. That means a lot to me.
Comment from Robert Louis Fox
Very good exchange between the characters. The dialog drives the scene. Rhuether is trying to manipulate his brother, but Pondria has an agenda of his own and is fending him off and planting seeds in his psyche. Keep up the good writing!
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Very good exchange between the characters. The dialog drives the scene. Rhuether is trying to manipulate his brother, but Pondria has an agenda of his own and is fending him off and planting seeds in his psyche. Keep up the good writing!
Comment Written 10-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thanks, Robert. Dialogue is my forte, I know. Which is why I'm having a devil of a time with the chapters I'm working on (several ahead of this one) that are introspective, Just Doctrex/Pondria by himself in a very Hamlet-like scenario. And if you're not the Bard, you know how juvenile that can be.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Doctrex is a master of mind manipulation as is so amply demonstrated in your writing, Jay. I'd think that means you must be the same, n'est pa? (?spelling) Very engaging writing, my friend. Is this a very big book, I mean VERY big, when it's finished? I wonder if it will be something of a saga, like 'Pillars of the Earth' by Ken Follett? Perhaps it will be a future school novel, Giddy
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Doctrex is a master of mind manipulation as is so amply demonstrated in your writing, Jay. I'd think that means you must be the same, n'est pa? (?spelling) Very engaging writing, my friend. Is this a very big book, I mean VERY big, when it's finished? I wonder if it will be something of a saga, like 'Pillars of the Earth' by Ken Follett? Perhaps it will be a future school novel, Giddy
Comment Written 10-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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I've been taking it one chapter at a time and growing very old with it! LOL, thanks for your comments, Giddy. Yes, I suppose you have to be something of the character you portray or it won't be believable. Of course, if the reader can read it as believable ... LOL, thanks, Giddy.
Comment from Tessa Kay
This is so cleverly written. I have a clear sense that your protagonist is in full control, and it's enjoyable to watch him follow his scheme. Love your body beats like 'a few small nods as though affirming an inner vision.' or his lips contorting while struggling to get out the words. Always like those touches in your writing. Very expressive.
A few things I've noted down (a couple more commas I'm leaving for Turtle to mention if she agrees. You've put lots of commas in here. Not sure if you need all of them)
-Its justice is exact.(full stop instead of comma) The barrister was killed
- It went back (wouldn't put a comma here) generation by generation
-beginnings of the variations(wouldn't put a comma here either; no independent clause following) and has at least heard of Mojo magic
-He closed his eyes (no comma) and nodded slowly.
-nodded slowly -shook my head slowly - leave out at least one of the adverbs? Maybe just lowering the gaze would be enough. It would make the gesture stronger if on its own. Just my opinion. That way it won't clash with the slow nodding.
-doing your assignments together. - Question mark instead of full stop?
-He pressed his lips together. "I know. Axtilla. .. Just had a question mark here. Was wondering if the pressing of the lips should be after he says 'I know'. Somehow I feel there should be a pause between 'I know' and 'Axtilla' See how it feels to you.
-other half of the problem...other hand - rephrase to avoid having too many 'other's in close proximity?
-he said and he closed his eyes, - one 'he' too many?
-his lips contorting as with words he struggled to get out. - don't know about this construction. Contorting as with words? Maybe 'as if he struggled to get out the words' ? Maybe just a matter of choice. Don't know.
Am looking forward to find out where Doctrex is going with all this. But it looks like he has Glnot well hooked. :)
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reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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This is so cleverly written. I have a clear sense that your protagonist is in full control, and it's enjoyable to watch him follow his scheme. Love your body beats like 'a few small nods as though affirming an inner vision.' or his lips contorting while struggling to get out the words. Always like those touches in your writing. Very expressive.
A few things I've noted down (a couple more commas I'm leaving for Turtle to mention if she agrees. You've put lots of commas in here. Not sure if you need all of them)
-Its justice is exact.(full stop instead of comma) The barrister was killed
- It went back (wouldn't put a comma here) generation by generation
-beginnings of the variations(wouldn't put a comma here either; no independent clause following) and has at least heard of Mojo magic
-He closed his eyes (no comma) and nodded slowly.
-nodded slowly -shook my head slowly - leave out at least one of the adverbs? Maybe just lowering the gaze would be enough. It would make the gesture stronger if on its own. Just my opinion. That way it won't clash with the slow nodding.
-doing your assignments together. - Question mark instead of full stop?
-He pressed his lips together. "I know. Axtilla. .. Just had a question mark here. Was wondering if the pressing of the lips should be after he says 'I know'. Somehow I feel there should be a pause between 'I know' and 'Axtilla' See how it feels to you.
-other half of the problem...other hand - rephrase to avoid having too many 'other's in close proximity?
-he said and he closed his eyes, - one 'he' too many?
-his lips contorting as with words he struggled to get out. - don't know about this construction. Contorting as with words? Maybe 'as if he struggled to get out the words' ? Maybe just a matter of choice. Don't know.
Am looking forward to find out where Doctrex is going with all this. But it looks like he has Glnot well hooked. :)
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Comment Written 10-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Tessa, did anyone ever tell you you're brilliant? Let me ... Tessa--what was I just talking about? No, seriously. I've gone in and made just about every suggested change. Especially the one where you thought a pause was needed. Indeed it was. And switching the words around did it. Thank you so much, my friend.
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I'll take the brilliant. Ouch, just hit my head on the door posts. How come the door is all of a sudden too small to get my head through? :D
Just kidding. Glad I was of help. :)