THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 25 "You Are Very Reckless, Doctrex"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
31 total reviews
Comment from boxergirl
You continue to oiur iut great dialogue and descriptive details, Jay. Ginot seems to have the upper hand but for how long.. I wonder?
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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You continue to oiur iut great dialogue and descriptive details, Jay. Ginot seems to have the upper hand but for how long.. I wonder?
Comment Written 28-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Oh, it's a teeter-totter affair at best. Thank you so much, Karen. I appreciate your crits. Now if I can figure out what "oiur iut" mean, I'll be heavenbound.
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haha...seems like i didnt crit my own review. "putting out" great dialogue and details. 8-)+
Comment from June Estep Fiorelli
I'm not in my comfort place with this genre. However, if you can read poetry, I can give this a try, but only when you're the author. I've read this and the previous chapter, but was unable to retrieve the first two chapters.
I love the cat and mouse back and forth dialogue. You excel at this, especially the details you add to give depth to the pictures we readers create...enough detail to hint, but not so much that it blocks the readers' imagination. "I studied the floor between my feet" is an example of this. I could visualize his mind searching, whirling, discarding ideas as he recovered his composure.
It seems a little out of character for Ginot to grimace and talk about getting out of his wheelchair. To me it shows weakness. The statement, if he's being truthful, also indicates that the injury is temporary. There has to be a reason you have included this, and when Doctrex don't pick up on it, we (your faithful readers) expect you to use it in some important way, later. I think it's called the "............. must" (I can't remember the first word of that rule)
Great ending, but I'd like a very brief description of Ginot's face at that moment; very brief so it doesn't detract from his statement.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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I'm not in my comfort place with this genre. However, if you can read poetry, I can give this a try, but only when you're the author. I've read this and the previous chapter, but was unable to retrieve the first two chapters.
I love the cat and mouse back and forth dialogue. You excel at this, especially the details you add to give depth to the pictures we readers create...enough detail to hint, but not so much that it blocks the readers' imagination. "I studied the floor between my feet" is an example of this. I could visualize his mind searching, whirling, discarding ideas as he recovered his composure.
It seems a little out of character for Ginot to grimace and talk about getting out of his wheelchair. To me it shows weakness. The statement, if he's being truthful, also indicates that the injury is temporary. There has to be a reason you have included this, and when Doctrex don't pick up on it, we (your faithful readers) expect you to use it in some important way, later. I think it's called the "............. must" (I can't remember the first word of that rule)
Great ending, but I'd like a very brief description of Ginot's face at that moment; very brief so it doesn't detract from his statement.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Hi, June and huge thanks for your six stars and your astute words. I love evidence of close reading. By Fantasy, this trilogy is not with dragons and all the stuff of the typical fantasy. We have what genre classes that FS offers. Fantasy was the closest.
I don't know the missing word that goes with "must" either. I thought of it as a smoking gun theory that a Russian novelist coined as "if there's a smoking gun in the first scene there'd better be a body before the last scene. I'm taking huge liberties, but you get the idea. It does kinda connect later.
Again, thanks for reading and for the generous rating.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. Excellent imagery throughout this chapter:
"His elbows on the armrest of the wheelchair, he tapped the tips of the spread fingers of one hand against the finger tips of the other, looking to me like two spiders engaged in testing each other's resolve.
Great dialogue, too: ""Any other questions, Doctrex?"
"One."
He leaned toward me, his hands on the wheels. "What's that?"
Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Hi, Jay. Excellent imagery throughout this chapter:
"His elbows on the armrest of the wheelchair, he tapped the tips of the spread fingers of one hand against the finger tips of the other, looking to me like two spiders engaged in testing each other's resolve.
Great dialogue, too: ""Any other questions, Doctrex?"
"One."
He leaned toward me, his hands on the wheels. "What's that?"
Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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I got a "Bravo" from Mastery! Thank you Bob. I relish any review from you for whom I have tremendous respect.
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same here, my friend. Bob
Comment from barkingdog
Glnot is ruthless, not one to be underestimated. The more he tells Doctrex about the execution of Zarbs and his men because of a planned coup, the more Doctrex may see the threat to his own life.
Escape comes to mind ... I wonder if it's been in Doctrex's.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Glnot is ruthless, not one to be underestimated. The more he tells Doctrex about the execution of Zarbs and his men because of a planned coup, the more Doctrex may see the threat to his own life.
Escape comes to mind ... I wonder if it's been in Doctrex's.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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THank you, Ellen, for the 6 stars. You're very gracious. Yes, they are quite the pawns for each other. I think Doctrex needs a monster in Tucker's Pond. God, I loved that story. Wish I'd written it.
Comment from trumby
good character development. Would have liked to see a bit more about the beheading, but, then again, I'm naturally bloodthirsty and I'm also a bit of a action freak. I'm not very experienced at this, but I like the anti-hero most of all in any story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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good character development. Would have liked to see a bit more about the beheading, but, then again, I'm naturally bloodthirsty and I'm also a bit of a action freak. I'm not very experienced at this, but I like the anti-hero most of all in any story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Thank you, Trumby. You'd have found the action in earlier chapters, leading to Doctrex' captivity. We're going through a psychological part now where the movement is largely within.
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I LIKE psycho stories.
Comment from --Turtle.
Read through this chapter, I thought it was a pretty good exchange... nice motion, some odd motions... like the being in someones face close enough to see pores,... that is a type of image of confrontation that is awkward making, tense making. I try to fathom the undertones, but I feel like I'm a gawker... just watching the interaction to see the playout, without any forward thoughts forming, my main drive to know fully, what happened to Zarbs and why. I came away satisfied with the drive, and left with some anticipated foreboding for Doctrex.
I'd tell Rhuether truthfully, that Zarbs was an ignorant fool, with an incredible capacity for cruelty, while being a weak commander of his men. (I paused on this sentence, I don't know if the flow was optimum... mostly stared at the comma before that.... and with/ while. and the word while. I couldn't pinpoint my pause exactly... Maybe just the one comma before 'that'?)
Was Rhuether 'fishing'? (I'm following along, though I don't know Zarbs well enough to know the full context of the standoff here. I bounce back between being glad and sort of sad for Zarbs' demise. I am curious to Glnot's motivations, his grand flaw to hold his enemy alive and engage in some sort of psychological standoff. )
"You are very reckless, Doctrex."
(I thought here... I would not say such things if I were you! (princess bride quote, that essence of captor and captee, where the captee is nettling under the skin of a huge ego... Glnot is now a mix to me of prince humperdink and the fifth element villain, the more I get to know him... the more weird images I will probably get.)
With his words, my body sagged, and I reached for the table to anchor me.
(I'm baffled by this villain. And by Doctrex being disheartened by the one turning him over to Glnot being killed, though he seems to value life, and army's).
"Had he not been executed, and (if) he'd been allowed to return to his outpost,
have been shed in the traitors' army."
(Don't really trust anything Glnot says, but I am at least satisfied with his seeming motives. A lot of lost life in this moment... those who Doctrex had been held around for, I'm guessing some time, now suddenly gone, and in such a way where it has an edge of not being all that fair.)
"What makes you think you'll be here that long, Doctrex?"
(Ending on a threat to the protagonist, such that even in the mostly civil exchange, the spur of... got to move, is felt)
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Read through this chapter, I thought it was a pretty good exchange... nice motion, some odd motions... like the being in someones face close enough to see pores,... that is a type of image of confrontation that is awkward making, tense making. I try to fathom the undertones, but I feel like I'm a gawker... just watching the interaction to see the playout, without any forward thoughts forming, my main drive to know fully, what happened to Zarbs and why. I came away satisfied with the drive, and left with some anticipated foreboding for Doctrex.
I'd tell Rhuether truthfully, that Zarbs was an ignorant fool, with an incredible capacity for cruelty, while being a weak commander of his men. (I paused on this sentence, I don't know if the flow was optimum... mostly stared at the comma before that.... and with/ while. and the word while. I couldn't pinpoint my pause exactly... Maybe just the one comma before 'that'?)
Was Rhuether 'fishing'? (I'm following along, though I don't know Zarbs well enough to know the full context of the standoff here. I bounce back between being glad and sort of sad for Zarbs' demise. I am curious to Glnot's motivations, his grand flaw to hold his enemy alive and engage in some sort of psychological standoff. )
"You are very reckless, Doctrex."
(I thought here... I would not say such things if I were you! (princess bride quote, that essence of captor and captee, where the captee is nettling under the skin of a huge ego... Glnot is now a mix to me of prince humperdink and the fifth element villain, the more I get to know him... the more weird images I will probably get.)
With his words, my body sagged, and I reached for the table to anchor me.
(I'm baffled by this villain. And by Doctrex being disheartened by the one turning him over to Glnot being killed, though he seems to value life, and army's).
"Had he not been executed, and (if) he'd been allowed to return to his outpost,
have been shed in the traitors' army."
(Don't really trust anything Glnot says, but I am at least satisfied with his seeming motives. A lot of lost life in this moment... those who Doctrex had been held around for, I'm guessing some time, now suddenly gone, and in such a way where it has an edge of not being all that fair.)
"What makes you think you'll be here that long, Doctrex?"
(Ending on a threat to the protagonist, such that even in the mostly civil exchange, the spur of... got to move, is felt)
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Kind of a yes/no to this, eh, Turtle. I had some trouble with it, and I have confidence I will be able to take your close and astute comments back for a deep edit after the post drops. Thank you so much, Turtle for taking such time on this.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Okay Jay I find this lets say an intense mental duel between
the almighty master and Doctrex is making me up tight.
Why I got the horrible feeling Doc soon is meeting the end of his life.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Okay Jay I find this lets say an intense mental duel between
the almighty master and Doctrex is making me up tight.
Why I got the horrible feeling Doc soon is meeting the end of his life.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Doctrex is the protagonist. I want you to have your feelings, but the story wouldn't be very successful if the hero is zapped. Thanks, for the six stars. You are so kind. Believe it or not, my last six was used today.
Comment from Dashjianta
An interesting exchange, with Doctrex still avoiding the questions he thinks Glnot wants him to ask and the revelation of Zarbs' plotting against Glnot. I do wonder at Glnot's reason for the revelation (just to intimidate/scare Doctrex? Or is there something more), and why he's in a wheelchair. And when will Doctrex get to see Axtilla--at the wedding, or before?
Suggestions:
Especially, a life-ending punishment.
--Delete comma?
the answer to which I was not as confident
--missing 'of' at the end?
secrete Zarbs(') intentions
along the proper channels so it would get back to me.
--'for it to' in place of 'so it would'? Seems to fit 'All it would take...' better.
"No, Doctrex, No!"
--Small 'n' on second 'no' or full stop in place of comma.
and he'd been allowed
--If you want to avoid the repeat of 'he had/he'd' you could swap it for something like 'and instead been allowed...' or 'but instead been allowed...'
our palace guards(,) strengthened by a few thousand loyalist soldiers(,) were in readiness.
[ At last, he blinked.
"Any other questions, Doctrex?"]
--Make into one para as it's Glnot's action followed by his dialogue?
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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An interesting exchange, with Doctrex still avoiding the questions he thinks Glnot wants him to ask and the revelation of Zarbs' plotting against Glnot. I do wonder at Glnot's reason for the revelation (just to intimidate/scare Doctrex? Or is there something more), and why he's in a wheelchair. And when will Doctrex get to see Axtilla--at the wedding, or before?
Suggestions:
Especially, a life-ending punishment.
--Delete comma?
the answer to which I was not as confident
--missing 'of' at the end?
secrete Zarbs(') intentions
along the proper channels so it would get back to me.
--'for it to' in place of 'so it would'? Seems to fit 'All it would take...' better.
"No, Doctrex, No!"
--Small 'n' on second 'no' or full stop in place of comma.
and he'd been allowed
--If you want to avoid the repeat of 'he had/he'd' you could swap it for something like 'and instead been allowed...' or 'but instead been allowed...'
our palace guards(,) strengthened by a few thousand loyalist soldiers(,) were in readiness.
[ At last, he blinked.
"Any other questions, Doctrex?"]
--Make into one para as it's Glnot's action followed by his dialogue?
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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You are a blessing to me, Alex. Thank you for your astute catches.
For the one you suggested below:
the answer to which I was not as confident
--missing 'of' at the end? [You caught me being too grammatical, then doing it incorrectly. The "of" was needed, but to replace the "to" tucked in the middle.
Everything else was spot on. You made my writing WORK! Thanks, Alex.
Comment from happykat4
Enjoyed this chapter. Your writing keeps one wanting to find out what is going to happen next. The characters are strong and complex which makes them interesting. The motives behind their actions and words are not always transparent and that make for interesting reading, even for someone who is not a sci-fi fan. Than you for sharing and I will be reading the next chapter!! Kathy
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Enjoyed this chapter. Your writing keeps one wanting to find out what is going to happen next. The characters are strong and complex which makes them interesting. The motives behind their actions and words are not always transparent and that make for interesting reading, even for someone who is not a sci-fi fan. Than you for sharing and I will be reading the next chapter!! Kathy
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Thank you so much, Kathy. This is actually Fantasy, not Sci-fi, but I contend it's not true fantasy, cause there're no dragons. I hope you have climbed aboard for the long haul. Say the word and I'll keep your seat reserved.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
You handle the conversations well, Jay, but I am impatient to see what happens and how Doctrex can get himself out of this fix. I know you have planned to make us wait a little longer, Giddy
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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You handle the conversations well, Jay, but I am impatient to see what happens and how Doctrex can get himself out of this fix. I know you have planned to make us wait a little longer, Giddy
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Giddy, I know what you mean. It has to do with the impatient readers on FS. If I could make the chapters longer the action would flow more ... and I would have cut my readership in half. Glad you're hanging in there for the long haul, Giddy.