THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Creatures on the Ceiling"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from Sassysandy
Although I have not read any of your previous chapters, this really pulled me in and kept me reading to find out what was coming next. Your descriptions are very intriguing and I can visualize the scene quite clearly in my mind. I thought at first this wouldn't be something I would be interested in reading and now I find that I would really like to read more. Good job on keeping readers interested. I can't wait to see what happens next....
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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Although I have not read any of your previous chapters, this really pulled me in and kept me reading to find out what was coming next. Your descriptions are very intriguing and I can visualize the scene quite clearly in my mind. I thought at first this wouldn't be something I would be interested in reading and now I find that I would really like to read more. Good job on keeping readers interested. I can't wait to see what happens next....
Comment Written 10-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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Sandy, you are one classy lady! Thank you for your kind words and your generous rating. I hope you continue to enjoy the story.
Comment from Ulla
First I like to say that I am sorry I don't have any six left because this write deserves it. Next I even surprised myself that I kept reading because fantasy fiction is not really my cup of tea.
But then your writing drew me in and kept me captivated throughout. The out of body experience had me sitting on the edge. The creatures he sees were so vivid that I could almost see and touch them myself. Well done. You can indeed write a story Ray. Best regards Ulla
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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First I like to say that I am sorry I don't have any six left because this write deserves it. Next I even surprised myself that I kept reading because fantasy fiction is not really my cup of tea.
But then your writing drew me in and kept me captivated throughout. The out of body experience had me sitting on the edge. The creatures he sees were so vivid that I could almost see and touch them myself. Well done. You can indeed write a story Ray. Best regards Ulla
Comment Written 10-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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Thank you so much, Ulla. I appreciate your words more than a six. Just keep reading. This fantasy may bring you around. It has others who hated fantasy. No Dragons or elves in this.
Jay
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
What a marvellous mishmash of mind pictures you have concocted for this stage of whatever 'Doctrex' is suffering. Description of the nightmarish creatures on the ceiling is incredible. I am impressed by the fine detail you think to include such as the minty breath of the doctor and his own probable unpleasant breath, Jay. Well done, Giddy
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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What a marvellous mishmash of mind pictures you have concocted for this stage of whatever 'Doctrex' is suffering. Description of the nightmarish creatures on the ceiling is incredible. I am impressed by the fine detail you think to include such as the minty breath of the doctor and his own probable unpleasant breath, Jay. Well done, Giddy
Comment Written 10-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Giddy. And a blazing, mighty thank you for the six stars. Chartreuse is one of my favorite colors.
Comment from JaseDR85
I found myself reading this more learning from you that able to provide any real critique. I must say you're amazing at showing vs telling, and that is what basically snatches you into the story. I am living the experience with them, seeing it as they see it. It is clearly evident why you're an accomplished novelist, very nicely writtten. Keep up the great work.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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I found myself reading this more learning from you that able to provide any real critique. I must say you're amazing at showing vs telling, and that is what basically snatches you into the story. I am living the experience with them, seeing it as they see it. It is clearly evident why you're an accomplished novelist, very nicely writtten. Keep up the great work.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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Oh, Jase ... I need readers like you! LOL, my ego does, too. I try to keep the reader involved through the narrative and the dialogue. I'm so pleased it resonated with you.
Comment from Sis Cat
Surreal, haunting, nightmarish. You describe vividly that state between dream and wakefulness, between reality and fantasy, between hallucination and sobriety. Neither the hero nor the reader quite know where he is. Everything is tilted, out of focus to match his state. The "winged ones" reminded me of the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz. This is vivid writing. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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Surreal, haunting, nightmarish. You describe vividly that state between dream and wakefulness, between reality and fantasy, between hallucination and sobriety. Neither the hero nor the reader quite know where he is. Everything is tilted, out of focus to match his state. The "winged ones" reminded me of the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz. This is vivid writing. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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Hahahaha! Flying monkeys. I was wondering where that came from. They always scared the Dickens out of me growing up. I liked to think I was beyond that as an adult, but I feel the old heart pound whenever I watch the movie again. Thanks, Andre! I always appreciate your readership.
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You're most welcome!
Comment from Gloria ....
Tired-looking, veiny eyes, not three inches from the general's--from mine--squinted now, studying, moving side to side across my face. "Dilated, yes. Excellent." Love that visual, Jay. It is that kind of description that brings your whole story to life for me.
Isn't it amazing what the eyes see, when the pupils are dilated?
Excellent description of the creatures even though Doctrex is trippin'. That's vivid.
Top notch writing, Jay. Now I'm left wondering how these visions fit into what's coming up next.
I'm in for the hot dog and the whole enchilada. You know me, I'll never miss out on a party as long as the stories are good and the bar has good drinks.
Very well done, my friend.
Gloria
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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Tired-looking, veiny eyes, not three inches from the general's--from mine--squinted now, studying, moving side to side across my face. "Dilated, yes. Excellent." Love that visual, Jay. It is that kind of description that brings your whole story to life for me.
Isn't it amazing what the eyes see, when the pupils are dilated?
Excellent description of the creatures even though Doctrex is trippin'. That's vivid.
Top notch writing, Jay. Now I'm left wondering how these visions fit into what's coming up next.
I'm in for the hot dog and the whole enchilada. You know me, I'll never miss out on a party as long as the stories are good and the bar has good drinks.
Very well done, my friend.
Gloria
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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You've made me a very happy man, Gloria. BYOB! I've got the mixers. You are so generous and kind, friend Gloria.
Comment from Spitfire
Coming in so far from the beginning, I read this because of your ability to write good dialogue, description, and set up a mood. I'm not a fan of fantasy fiction, so I may not follow the whole story.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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Coming in so far from the beginning, I read this because of your ability to write good dialogue, description, and set up a mood. I'm not a fan of fantasy fiction, so I may not follow the whole story.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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You gotta! You just gotta! LOL, thanks, though for reading this. You might get a kick out of the next post, though. Just sayin'.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I like your story, Creatures on the Ceiling, it is very good. You have a way of telling stories that is very descriptive. I am a very visual person so I appreciate that kind of writing. Good job!
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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I like your story, Creatures on the Ceiling, it is very good. You have a way of telling stories that is very descriptive. I am a very visual person so I appreciate that kind of writing. Good job!
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Gypsy. I appreciate your reading it. It's the winding down of a trilogy, The Trining. Hope you hang in here. You'll find some good turns of plot and I think find it interesting.
Comment from --Turtle.
>>The conflagration on my right side that (had?) dragged me to my back on the floorboard (now?) rendered me distantly aware only of a blurred Zarbs, sliding away from me, crablike, across the seat and up against the sideboard.<<
(I had trouble with the first sentence. I don't think my extra words are helping here, either)
I didn't see any more of Zarbs [because that was when](after?) I scrunched my eyes
(Actually, I'm scrambling in submersion, so the way you have it is most likely fine too)
in, though*, I could still hear him, from some faraway place, jabbering unintelligible syllables, though** the word "uniform" loosed from the verbal tangle as part of them. (I like that he recognized the uniform a second time, that Zarbs is still fretting over the uniform)
against my ribcage.(rib cage?)
the plains where the wagon was the tiniest of dots on the brown ribbon of road.
(great descriptions through this work, engaging, entertaining)
Still observing, but connected as (if? or delete as?) by an invisible cord of awareness, I watched the fine lines of sadness and worry [being]? smoothed away, and an incredible tranquility settle(d) over him, onto him, into him.
(I watched the sadness smoothed away and incredible tranquility settle over him. Or I watched the sadness smoothed away, and an incredible tranquility settled over him. Note... I'm not suggesting you delete any of your words... I'm trying to point out, by stripping away the extra's to bare bones, I'm hoping where I'm tripping up might become more obvious... the comma clues me to the possibility of a new sentence starting up, and because of the setup, I stumble over 'settle' because I think a new sentence has started. If you don't want two sentences... I watched this and that. Versus.... I watched this, and that happened. Because of the comma, I thought the big sentence was taking on the format: I watched this, and that happen. where I was expecting happened. If that makes sense.
Ahh. something felt off. Maybe all you need to do is delete the comma?
struggled with the need to apologize, but another part became occupied trying to
(I liked this distraction, this very awkward thing that happened here, in the midst of other things that were happening.)
As though I were releasing my grasp on a vanishing dream, I [was left trying](tried?) to hold onto the notion there had been something of vague importance I
incredibly sharp-looking teeth.
(I was really engaged in this, the general's loopy state, and his pointings, there was humor and a very good voice about him. )
I didn't notice the hand he placed on my arm, ... see him guide my arm to the bed.
(a little bit of a paradox in this sentence, because at some point, he noticed the hand on his arm to point out he didn't notice the hand on his arm, so maybe an 'until' is needed?)
n't come out right. I wanted to tell the doctor (that) Garvin gave
(I don't often suggest to add 'that' but this one will keep the mistake of a merged doctor Garvin, something to consider. Not all that's are bad, but many are unneeded, this one is one I thought might be more help than hinder)
"Because ... I wasn't ..." I forgot how I was going to end the sentence.
(I like how frustrated I am with him, in his confusion. That he's drugged, his not spitting it out left me with an edge of seat frustration with him.)
I enjoyed reading this chapter of this book, which I've not yet encountered.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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>>The conflagration on my right side that (had?) dragged me to my back on the floorboard (now?) rendered me distantly aware only of a blurred Zarbs, sliding away from me, crablike, across the seat and up against the sideboard.<<
(I had trouble with the first sentence. I don't think my extra words are helping here, either)
I didn't see any more of Zarbs [because that was when](after?) I scrunched my eyes
(Actually, I'm scrambling in submersion, so the way you have it is most likely fine too)
in, though*, I could still hear him, from some faraway place, jabbering unintelligible syllables, though** the word "uniform" loosed from the verbal tangle as part of them. (I like that he recognized the uniform a second time, that Zarbs is still fretting over the uniform)
against my ribcage.(rib cage?)
the plains where the wagon was the tiniest of dots on the brown ribbon of road.
(great descriptions through this work, engaging, entertaining)
Still observing, but connected as (if? or delete as?) by an invisible cord of awareness, I watched the fine lines of sadness and worry [being]? smoothed away, and an incredible tranquility settle(d) over him, onto him, into him.
(I watched the sadness smoothed away and incredible tranquility settle over him. Or I watched the sadness smoothed away, and an incredible tranquility settled over him. Note... I'm not suggesting you delete any of your words... I'm trying to point out, by stripping away the extra's to bare bones, I'm hoping where I'm tripping up might become more obvious... the comma clues me to the possibility of a new sentence starting up, and because of the setup, I stumble over 'settle' because I think a new sentence has started. If you don't want two sentences... I watched this and that. Versus.... I watched this, and that happened. Because of the comma, I thought the big sentence was taking on the format: I watched this, and that happen. where I was expecting happened. If that makes sense.
Ahh. something felt off. Maybe all you need to do is delete the comma?
struggled with the need to apologize, but another part became occupied trying to
(I liked this distraction, this very awkward thing that happened here, in the midst of other things that were happening.)
As though I were releasing my grasp on a vanishing dream, I [was left trying](tried?) to hold onto the notion there had been something of vague importance I
incredibly sharp-looking teeth.
(I was really engaged in this, the general's loopy state, and his pointings, there was humor and a very good voice about him. )
I didn't notice the hand he placed on my arm, ... see him guide my arm to the bed.
(a little bit of a paradox in this sentence, because at some point, he noticed the hand on his arm to point out he didn't notice the hand on his arm, so maybe an 'until' is needed?)
n't come out right. I wanted to tell the doctor (that) Garvin gave
(I don't often suggest to add 'that' but this one will keep the mistake of a merged doctor Garvin, something to consider. Not all that's are bad, but many are unneeded, this one is one I thought might be more help than hinder)
"Because ... I wasn't ..." I forgot how I was going to end the sentence.
(I like how frustrated I am with him, in his confusion. That he's drugged, his not spitting it out left me with an edge of seat frustration with him.)
I enjoyed reading this chapter of this book, which I've not yet encountered.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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I am sooooo pleased with the helpful suggestions given. I'm happy you had a general enjoyment of it. I did a re-post of the previous chapter (which originally posted 4 months ago, after which it stalled until now). It was up until about 2 days ago and included a 20 chapter summary of the previous action. If you decide to continue on with it, you may want to check out that re-post and especially the summaries. Thank you again!
Turtle, see if the first paragraph reads better now:
The conflagration on my right side dragged me to my back on the floorboard and rendered me distantly aware of a blurred Zarbs, sliding away from me, crablike, across the seat and up against the sideboard. At the second onslaught of searing pain, I scrunched my eyes and blotted out Zarbs with the rest of the visible world; through the blazing miasma, I could still hear him, from some faraway place, jabbering unintelligible syllables, though the word ?uniform? loosed from the verbal tangle.
Still observing, but connected as (if? or delete as?) by an invisible cord of awareness, [I'm trying to work through your suggestion here. It's on a lot of fronts so I'll attend to them later.
As though I were releasing my grasp on a vanishing dream, I [was left trying](tried?) [Excellent suggestion!]
I didn't notice the hand he placed on my arm [Another solid gold suggestion. Done!]
I added the "that" BACK IN. It was originally there. I put "that" in my find/replace function and go through each, removing probably 1/3 of my "thats". This is one I removed when I shouldn't have.
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I do think the new first sentence did a better job of not bucking me off course. I like it better!
Comment from Dawn Munro
This is chilling - all too real, and I have to admit, although the genre is not at all my cup of tea, some of what you've written here is actually almost familiar-sounding...as though I've experienced something so similar...more than one, 'something', actually...unnerving, Jay. (Yes, I've had pain medications, but even the out-of-body experience seems so authentic! Hmm...yikes!)
Well done, though, as is everything of yours I've read!
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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This is chilling - all too real, and I have to admit, although the genre is not at all my cup of tea, some of what you've written here is actually almost familiar-sounding...as though I've experienced something so similar...more than one, 'something', actually...unnerving, Jay. (Yes, I've had pain medications, but even the out-of-body experience seems so authentic! Hmm...yikes!)
Well done, though, as is everything of yours I've read!
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2015
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Thank you so much for the 6 stars and for your wonderfully affirming words, Dawn.
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You're very welcome - well-earned.