THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Fine Day For Zarbs' Unravelling "JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
33 total reviews
Comment from happykat4
This is my first read of your book. I thought it was good. The characters revealed themselves through the writing. I am not sure how he got stabbed. I liked the part of his wrestling with his mind for a few moments but decided he would side with his love Axtilla. flow was good from beginning to end. Thank you.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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This is my first read of your book. I thought it was good. The characters revealed themselves through the writing. I am not sure how he got stabbed. I liked the part of his wrestling with his mind for a few moments but decided he would side with his love Axtilla. flow was good from beginning to end. Thank you.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2015
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Thank you for reading and for your kind commentary, Happykat4. I hope you come back for the succeeding chapters. It gets more exciting starting next chapter.
Comment from Gloria ....
LOL, I had to chuckle at Zarbs trying to figure out a strategy for gaining compassion from Doctrex. Always calculations.
I guess with one's eyes closed it is rather difficult to know for sure if one has passed the triple-rock marker. OOOh, that breathing is creepy.
His eyes were pressed so tightly closed, though, that a number of dark, puffy slits were all that showed. What a wonderfully concrete image that is. Your narrative descriptions are so fresh.
Yowza, nice dig Axtilla.
Exceptional writing, Jay. You really got me going on this chapter.
Gloria
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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LOL, I had to chuckle at Zarbs trying to figure out a strategy for gaining compassion from Doctrex. Always calculations.
I guess with one's eyes closed it is rather difficult to know for sure if one has passed the triple-rock marker. OOOh, that breathing is creepy.
His eyes were pressed so tightly closed, though, that a number of dark, puffy slits were all that showed. What a wonderfully concrete image that is. Your narrative descriptions are so fresh.
Yowza, nice dig Axtilla.
Exceptional writing, Jay. You really got me going on this chapter.
Gloria
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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Ah, Gloria, it's refreshing to see you reading my fantasy. I don't believe that's your cup o' soup and you feel more a kinship with the Mumph history. Then again I might be wrong. I am so grateful you enjoyed it enough to give it a six. You rock my world, Gloria. Thanks.
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You might be wrong, but then again, you might be right. It's always good to keep them guessing.
Comment from Writingfundimension
A complex, multi-layered chapter, Jay. I was glad to see Axtilla back in the narrative as I'd frankly almost forgotten that Doctrex is back in this dimension due to her prophecy. I'm anxious to see what happens when they get to the their destination and he faces Axtilla/Empress again.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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A complex, multi-layered chapter, Jay. I was glad to see Axtilla back in the narrative as I'd frankly almost forgotten that Doctrex is back in this dimension due to her prophecy. I'm anxious to see what happens when they get to the their destination and he faces Axtilla/Empress again.
:) Bev
Comment Written 07-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2015
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Thanks, Bev. Yeah, I'm looking forward to getting them together again as well. The next chapter should be a doozie!
Comment from krprice
Once the crossans...I knew--delete and continue with If I opened. . .
Earlier, with the safety. . . Delete the 'I knews'.
Check the punctuation.
Try to avoid words like 'felt'.
Excellent chapter and show of emotion from Zarbs.
Karlene
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Once the crossans...I knew--delete and continue with If I opened. . .
Earlier, with the safety. . . Delete the 'I knews'.
Check the punctuation.
Try to avoid words like 'felt'.
Excellent chapter and show of emotion from Zarbs.
Karlene
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Thank you for reading, Karlene. There were two instances of "I felt". I was able to change both and it worked well enough. Thank you. I'll have to check more closely with my find/replace before I post.
The "I knew" you referenced I didn't change. "I knew if I opened them again quickly enough, I?d catch Zarbs." This takes us to the heart of the "I knew" and "I felt" dilemma. Just as there are times when "that" NEEDS TO BE USED as a bridge between clauses, there are times when "I knew" describes an important element in the thought processes of the narrator. In the above sentence it certainly makes cognitive sense to leave out the "I knew", but it removes the nuance of what the narrator was expressing. It is meant to connote: "I figured" or "I FELT" or "I was certain" or "I was sure", all of which convey a sense of uncertainty.
If you disagree with this, Karlene, please let me know. I'd like nothing more than to have a dialogue with you here. That's what makes this site meaningful.
Again, thanks for reading.
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I think you're right about the 'I knew.' And there are times when 'that' is necessary. The best thing is to read the sentence without the 'that'. If it still makes sense, then delete it. If it doesn't make sense, keep it in.
Karlene
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Thank you, Karlene. I think I told you before, I had never heard about the overuse of "that" ... until you came along. Now I put it in the find/replace and do just as you said. I've found times when I removed it and got a review saying the sentence needed something--to consider adding "that".
Somewhere there have to be general guidelines on when to and when not to. Especially for the felt/knew thing. Once I know the rules I can choose when it makes sense to violate them.
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If there is, I don't know of it. You might look to the grammar lady website. I read about those things in a book called The Ten-Percent Solution: Self-Editing for Writers which I got from amazon.com.
Karlene
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You know, you mentioned that Ten-Percent Solution and I tried to find it and couldn't. I'm going to try it again. I just did. It's only in paperback. I think I'll buy it that way.
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As far as I know, it's only in pb.
Karlene
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I ordered it yesterday. Thank you, my dear, for the recommendation.
Comment from boxergirl
This is a pretty intense abd descriptive scene, Jay, especially when Zarbs falls apart and has the snot rolling out both nostrils. Cant wait to see what's next. 8-)
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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This is a pretty intense abd descriptive scene, Jay, especially when Zarbs falls apart and has the snot rolling out both nostrils. Cant wait to see what's next. 8-)
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Hahaha, yeah, lots of comment about that scene. If you've thought of everything they can do, have snot come outa their nose. LOL, thanks for reading and enjoying.
Comment from Sankey
A rather dramatic chapter, with some new insights as to Directex's position in the run of thins. Glad to be back on this again, mate. Still rather complex as to whom is over whom and all that. NO spags.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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A rather dramatic chapter, with some new insights as to Directex's position in the run of thins. Glad to be back on this again, mate. Still rather complex as to whom is over whom and all that. NO spags.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2015
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Hey, Geoff. Appreciate your reading this. Glad to have you back on the Trining. Next chapter should be a doozie, should I get it finished.
Comment from kriver
Hi,
Uh oh that Ole colonel is
in troubbbbbbbblle now.
But I don't know or remember
why the general is bleeding.
Anyways it is a good write
with good character development
and dialogue.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Hi,
Uh oh that Ole colonel is
in troubbbbbbbblle now.
But I don't know or remember
why the general is bleeding.
Anyways it is a good write
with good character development
and dialogue.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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The precedent for the bleeding general would be in Book I and Book II ... and the Myth of the Conjoined Brothers which was the prologue. Thanks so much for reading. In the succeeding chapters you should have a good idea why the general is bleeding.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Really good internal thoughts. I like that you described the Supreme Generals emotional breakdown. I am anxious to have Axtilla and Doctrex reunite.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Really good internal thoughts. I like that you described the Supreme Generals emotional breakdown. I am anxious to have Axtilla and Doctrex reunite.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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You and a lot of others are anxious for the two to reunite. Thanks for reading this and for your kind commentary. I appreciate you.
Comment from marion
Hi Jay
It's always a pleasure to read your work. Although I haven't followed the story, I still like to come in on the odd chapter when i have time, and review the writing. See what I can learn myself from good FS writers like you. (By the way, I have to have an editor because I am hopeless at self-editing although I'm getting better) Reviewing also helps me look at others work and then apply it to myself.
Here's what I saw:
I snapped my eyes open. (My eyes snapped open) (keeping it tight)
Nice:
Even above the sounds of the hooves, a kind of oceanic breathing rose and fell beside me like waves, swelling up, then being sucked back down into what sounded now suspiciously like an elongated moan.
Too much use of one word in close proximity: (In my humble opinion!)
My (eyes) still closed, ...
I snapped my (eyes) (open).
My earlier conjecture was wrong. Zarbs was not staring at me. Had his (eyes) been (open) they'd have been staring at a space between me and the back of the driver, but angled up above our heads. His (eyes) were pressed so tightly closed, though, that a number of dark, puffy slits were all that showed...
I cleared my throat and his (eyes) immediately opened and slanted down to me. His face
Nice:
twin trails of snot exited his nose.
Keep it tight:
"No." I sucked in some air through my teeth. (I sucked air through my teeth) "Give me a minute."
Way too many exclamation marks - suggest no more than one, maybe two max. I realize you are trying to express excitement or strong emotions, but maybe look at the surrounding material and rewrite, letting the emotion come from content and word choice rather than punctuation. Fewer exclamation marks makes for more authentic, less forced story telling. You may not even need to rewrite, just leave them out the mark if the speech is doing its work.
That's it from me. I hope I've helped in some way.
As always, I love to read skilled work, especially good narrative.
Marion.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Hi Jay
It's always a pleasure to read your work. Although I haven't followed the story, I still like to come in on the odd chapter when i have time, and review the writing. See what I can learn myself from good FS writers like you. (By the way, I have to have an editor because I am hopeless at self-editing although I'm getting better) Reviewing also helps me look at others work and then apply it to myself.
Here's what I saw:
I snapped my eyes open. (My eyes snapped open) (keeping it tight)
Nice:
Even above the sounds of the hooves, a kind of oceanic breathing rose and fell beside me like waves, swelling up, then being sucked back down into what sounded now suspiciously like an elongated moan.
Too much use of one word in close proximity: (In my humble opinion!)
My (eyes) still closed, ...
I snapped my (eyes) (open).
My earlier conjecture was wrong. Zarbs was not staring at me. Had his (eyes) been (open) they'd have been staring at a space between me and the back of the driver, but angled up above our heads. His (eyes) were pressed so tightly closed, though, that a number of dark, puffy slits were all that showed...
I cleared my throat and his (eyes) immediately opened and slanted down to me. His face
Nice:
twin trails of snot exited his nose.
Keep it tight:
"No." I sucked in some air through my teeth. (I sucked air through my teeth) "Give me a minute."
Way too many exclamation marks - suggest no more than one, maybe two max. I realize you are trying to express excitement or strong emotions, but maybe look at the surrounding material and rewrite, letting the emotion come from content and word choice rather than punctuation. Fewer exclamation marks makes for more authentic, less forced story telling. You may not even need to rewrite, just leave them out the mark if the speech is doing its work.
That's it from me. I hope I've helped in some way.
As always, I love to read skilled work, especially good narrative.
Marion.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Thanks for stopping by, Marion. When you started with how you learn from reviews and how reviewing helps you with editing your own work, I thought: "Oh-oh."
But dang it you're good. I will check each one closely. Eyes! Yes. If they weren't so important I'd hate them. There are only a few things you can do with them: open, shut, look, gaze scour, scowl, but whatever the verb you are right back with the noun to which it refers. And short of the poetic "orbs" there aren't a helluva lot of synonyms for eye. However, if it strikes you as overmuch I'm sure it is overmuch (By the way I mean that last humbly and appreciatively, not sarcastically.)I'll look over the exclamation marks as well. I know editors hate them. I took your advice in "tightening" the two sentences above.
You are so helpful. If I wasn't a month behind in my "thumbs up" awards you'd certainly get one here. All I can say is I will put your name in my folder (#1 on list this month) to give you one the first of May.
Again, thanks Marion!
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It's a pleasure to review you, Jay. And don't worry about thumbs up thing, I don't ever review enough to get more than one or two a month which leads to nothing. Just for you to mention it, is enough. Yes, that 'eye' thing - maybe be brutal and cut a sentence, or rephrase ... I wouldn't be doing anything if this story is only for FS, but certainly would look at it, if it's intended to go further .. like a competition or publisher! M.
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You mean FanStory isn't a publisher? That would explain why I haven't been getting any royalties at year end.
Comment from Drew Delaney
An interesting read, though it is difficult to really get into the story without having read several previous chapters. I try to differentiate the use of ellipsis and dashes. In this case, your usage is a bit confusing to me. But I assume you know what you are doing. I thought I had it figured out.
You use good imagery and I noticed you have a certain tone in this piece which you are able to control. Nice work. Drew
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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An interesting read, though it is difficult to really get into the story without having read several previous chapters. I try to differentiate the use of ellipsis and dashes. In this case, your usage is a bit confusing to me. But I assume you know what you are doing. I thought I had it figured out.
You use good imagery and I noticed you have a certain tone in this piece which you are able to control. Nice work. Drew
Comment Written 05-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2015
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Hey, Drew, thanks for reading and for your kind remarks. I really appreciate it.
The rules for ellipses and EM dashes are different in Canada and Britain than the US. But I still find I violate the US standards frequently. Here there should be a space between the ellipses and after. There is no space before or after the EM dash. Use a four dot ellipsis after the end of a complete sentence, unless a question mark or exclamation point in which there are three dots and the punctuation.
Hope to keep you for the duration, Drew.
