THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Ex-General Doctrex (Part 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
26 total reviews
Comment from Gloria ....
Hi, Jay. Hope your Sunday is going ultra good.
Very nice touch in introducing the setting with Doctrex pondering what to write while staring out over the plains. I like the whole tone of the intro.
Garvin's appetite for detail-atop-detail was staggering - superb writing right there.
It always sounds so romantic writing with quill and ink but it must've been a pain in the buttguy.
How noble of Zarbs to approve of the letter. Excellent characterization.
The neutrality of the medic shall keep him safe, perhaps. That's enough doubt planted to keep me reading.
Beautifully written chapter, Jay.
Gloria
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Hi, Jay. Hope your Sunday is going ultra good.
Very nice touch in introducing the setting with Doctrex pondering what to write while staring out over the plains. I like the whole tone of the intro.
Garvin's appetite for detail-atop-detail was staggering - superb writing right there.
It always sounds so romantic writing with quill and ink but it must've been a pain in the buttguy.
How noble of Zarbs to approve of the letter. Excellent characterization.
The neutrality of the medic shall keep him safe, perhaps. That's enough doubt planted to keep me reading.
Beautifully written chapter, Jay.
Gloria
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Gloria, for reading and, GEEZ, for the sixer! NOW my Sunday is going ultra Good!
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. I enjoyed this chapter very much. Good images and dialogue:
"I pictured Garvin in front of Braims' tent, bending from his saddle, his arm stretched down, the letter clutched in his fingertips. Braims would take it, study his name on the seal for a brief but troubled moment.
And: "he again let his eyes drift to Zarbs who was brushing some lint off the leg of his uniform and didn't look up."
Perhaps also end it on a more exciting note to drive thre reader on to the next chapter:
Garvin pulled back and his eyes whipped immediately to Zarbs, who was still finishing up with the soldier; he turned back to me and nodded, mouthing his "Thank you."
Good write overall though, my friend. Bob
Suggestions: I think this sentence is a "run on" or at the least too long in somem respects) "More than anything, I was certain in the moments after the intent of the letter sank in, and his eyes raised and found Garvin's, there would be something silently affirming going out between them in that singular instant their eyes would lock on each other's.
Here also. Sentences should be shortened up, I think, Jay.
"During the two days that Garvin and I had shared that room, we were bonded by a single need, which was to nurse Jed to health, but on the day he had introduced the narcotic to Jed's unguent, allowing him the blessing of sleep, we permitted ourselves the luxury of relaxing and over a very short time got to know each other.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Hi, Jay. I enjoyed this chapter very much. Good images and dialogue:
"I pictured Garvin in front of Braims' tent, bending from his saddle, his arm stretched down, the letter clutched in his fingertips. Braims would take it, study his name on the seal for a brief but troubled moment.
And: "he again let his eyes drift to Zarbs who was brushing some lint off the leg of his uniform and didn't look up."
Perhaps also end it on a more exciting note to drive thre reader on to the next chapter:
Garvin pulled back and his eyes whipped immediately to Zarbs, who was still finishing up with the soldier; he turned back to me and nodded, mouthing his "Thank you."
Good write overall though, my friend. Bob
Suggestions: I think this sentence is a "run on" or at the least too long in somem respects) "More than anything, I was certain in the moments after the intent of the letter sank in, and his eyes raised and found Garvin's, there would be something silently affirming going out between them in that singular instant their eyes would lock on each other's.
Here also. Sentences should be shortened up, I think, Jay.
"During the two days that Garvin and I had shared that room, we were bonded by a single need, which was to nurse Jed to health, but on the day he had introduced the narcotic to Jed's unguent, allowing him the blessing of sleep, we permitted ourselves the luxury of relaxing and over a very short time got to know each other.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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I agree with you on the length of the sentences, Bob. Thanks for pointing it out to me. The one's not technically a run-on, but is long and contains more than one thought.
I'm not at all happy with this chapter. I will go through a lot of change in it during the final edit. As far as the "cliff-hanger" or advancing ending, this is a problem as you know with posting chapters on FS. At best, the chapters here are often lopped off at not necessarily the best place to conform with the readers expectation of how much is too much to read for a review.
All your points are good, though, Bob. I will take them into account when the post drops. Thanks again, my friend.
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You are a fine writer in my umble opinion, Jay. It will all work out. Bob
Comment from Writingfundimension
I'm always impressed with the depth of compassion and intelligence your character, Doxtrex possesses, Jay. He gives a gift, perhaps even of life, by telling Garvin about the M. This is so consistent with the man around whom this novel radiates. Very well done, as always.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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I'm always impressed with the depth of compassion and intelligence your character, Doxtrex possesses, Jay. He gives a gift, perhaps even of life, by telling Garvin about the M. This is so consistent with the man around whom this novel radiates. Very well done, as always.
:) Bev
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Bev for your kind words and rating. You continue to be one of my loyal followers of this trilogy. You don't know how happy that makes me.
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You're very welcome, Jay. It's a superb novel with many layers to enjoy. :)
Comment from Dashjianta
Good to see Doctrex rewarding Garvin's dedication with an opportunity to switch sides. Encouraging him to desert though...could it be used as another example of how desertion can be justified when it comes time to defend Zurn? (Am I making connections that aren't there with this?)
Will be interesting to see if the new General obeys Doctrex's final command, after he sees the state of Jed's body (with Garvin there to verify Doctrex's claim he's safe, he might), or if he'll assume the letter was written under duress and disregard the order not to mount a rescue attempt. (If he believes Garvin, notes the handwriting appears normal, and trusts Doctrex, it's unlikely.)
Suggestions:
I'd have been honored to have had you, alongside Braims, as our troops' medics.
--Should it be "medic" rather than "medics", because he would be honoured to have YOU as the troops' medic?
You will find the bodies of (the) three soldiers
--Do you need the the "the" in brackets--it implies Braims knows of three specific bodies already. I'm being a bit fussy with this, but it has the bonus of cutting word count, which always helps.
I'm sure the spirits of the other two, Karule Barsach and Erel Fozzen(,) would find it an equal honor
May it be perfectly clear to you that the above is my last order to (you) as General of the Kabeezan Military.
--OR delete the "to" after "order".
I replaced the stopper on the ink jar,
--should it be "in the ink jar" as it goes into the neck of the jar?
"Yes, I know.(,)" I told him
Yes(,) you--come here.
--Because 'you' is being used as a term of address.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Good to see Doctrex rewarding Garvin's dedication with an opportunity to switch sides. Encouraging him to desert though...could it be used as another example of how desertion can be justified when it comes time to defend Zurn? (Am I making connections that aren't there with this?)
Will be interesting to see if the new General obeys Doctrex's final command, after he sees the state of Jed's body (with Garvin there to verify Doctrex's claim he's safe, he might), or if he'll assume the letter was written under duress and disregard the order not to mount a rescue attempt. (If he believes Garvin, notes the handwriting appears normal, and trusts Doctrex, it's unlikely.)
Suggestions:
I'd have been honored to have had you, alongside Braims, as our troops' medics.
--Should it be "medic" rather than "medics", because he would be honoured to have YOU as the troops' medic?
You will find the bodies of (the) three soldiers
--Do you need the the "the" in brackets--it implies Braims knows of three specific bodies already. I'm being a bit fussy with this, but it has the bonus of cutting word count, which always helps.
I'm sure the spirits of the other two, Karule Barsach and Erel Fozzen(,) would find it an equal honor
May it be perfectly clear to you that the above is my last order to (you) as General of the Kabeezan Military.
--OR delete the "to" after "order".
I replaced the stopper on the ink jar,
--should it be "in the ink jar" as it goes into the neck of the jar?
"Yes, I know.(,)" I told him
Yes(,) you--come here.
--Because 'you' is being used as a term of address.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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You found some good ones, my dear Alex! I made every single one of the suggested changes. This was far and away my weakest chapter. I went on two chapters ahead, trying to avoid posting this. I could never get it to sound right. It still feels weak to me, but I'll take another look at it when I do the final edit. Thank you for ALL the work you did on this one. I so appreciate it.
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I hate it when a chapter feels like that. It could be down to it being one of those emotional lulls after everything that happened with Jed. (NOT a bad thing--those breathing spaces are needed to let everything that's happened sink in.) But, thinking about what you've said: how about adding in a wee hand tremble when he first goes to write Jed's name? Or, perhaps, when he writes about being taken to Glnot he can add a silent 'and Axtilla' and smile briefly to himself. And when he turns away to hide what he's writing, there could be a moment of feeling like a naughty schoolboy or something (that one may be pushing it.) Or something he sees/hears might trigger a happy memory of Jed/Axtilla to lift his mood for a second or two. Just one or two little emotional reactions to show him thinking past the scene--but no more than a line or two each time or it'll end up seeming forced and spoil it. (Note: I DIDN'T feel like these things were missing though, but if it's feeling weak to you, maybe those one or tweaks might help?) Or perhaps, when he's talking to Zarbs (either right at the beginning, when Zarbs starts to speak but cuts off, or just after the letter's written) Doctrex can feel a wave of mental/emotional (and maybe physical) exhaustion, wonder what would happen if he just gave up (not that he ever would) then rally himself. Again, just a wee addition to show his emotions. You'll know better than me if it'd fit his character. Just a couple of suggestions--hopefully one of them might help.
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I'm taking your thoughts to heart, Alex. Some good ideas. You are GOOD!!!
Comment from Donovan
The rules of war being obeyed. Stark contrast to what we experience in this day. Once again you write with clarity and conciseness. The story continues to move forward with each paragraph, which is not easy to do. I can see the confrontation coming...Doctrex is not leaving this easily.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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The rules of war being obeyed. Stark contrast to what we experience in this day. Once again you write with clarity and conciseness. The story continues to move forward with each paragraph, which is not easy to do. I can see the confrontation coming...Doctrex is not leaving this easily.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you Donovan, for your kindness and rating. This was not my best chapter by far. I still don't feel it's ready, but I have to get on with the other chapters. Meanwhile, Tuesday or Wednesday I'll be starting the first chapter of a new Novella I think you'll like. Again, thanks for dropping by.
Comment from amahra
Another good installment, Jay. Just a few things below.
"Dear Braims," I wrote, scratched a spot under my lower lip with my thumbnail, and stared out past a clump of brush to miles of grey, smoky plains.[This line was really hard for me. Couldn't get an image.] What about: ["Dear Braims," I wrote. I pondered--scratching my chin and staring out at a clump of brushes miles away.] Not telling you how to write. I just think I know what you mean.
That was very cleave of him to write in the letter that he was well treated for his rank. It shows he's worthy of a being a leader.
".... I remembered an important part of my military education at Camp Kabeez concerned [concerning] the 'unwritten law' on the neutrality of
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Another good installment, Jay. Just a few things below.
"Dear Braims," I wrote, scratched a spot under my lower lip with my thumbnail, and stared out past a clump of brush to miles of grey, smoky plains.[This line was really hard for me. Couldn't get an image.] What about: ["Dear Braims," I wrote. I pondered--scratching my chin and staring out at a clump of brushes miles away.] Not telling you how to write. I just think I know what you mean.
That was very cleave of him to write in the letter that he was well treated for his rank. It shows he's worthy of a being a leader.
".... I remembered an important part of my military education at Camp Kabeez concerned [concerning] the 'unwritten law' on the neutrality of
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you Ama for your kind words and rating. I had a lot of trouble writing this chapter. I finished off the next two, but kept going back to this one, not posting it because it didn't feel right. Still not a hundred percent on it. You got me closer with your suggestion to tighten up the image. Don't you ever worry about telling me how to write something. That's why I pay you so handsomely to be my editor. The second suggestion I am still thinking about.
Thank you, dear. You suggestions are what I stay here for.
Comment from LIJ Red
The concept of the archaic and alien together is smoothed by your excellent prose. Is not Doctrex slipping deeper and deeper into some awkward situation?
Very believable flow of action.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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The concept of the archaic and alien together is smoothed by your excellent prose. Is not Doctrex slipping deeper and deeper into some awkward situation?
Very believable flow of action.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Could be, Red. He definitely seems to enjoy his position of authority over his captor. Things are about to change big time.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Your writing is so descriptive and down-to-earth, putting the reader there as your words set the scene.
Doctrex writes to Braims to inform him of the bodies and asks him to have them buried in a worthy manner
Gavin thinks there's a risk at being killed when he's
delivering the letter to Braims Glassem,but Doctrex assures there's no likelihood of that and that his uniform will be his ticket to safety.
serrendipity
serendipity
Great writing, Jay.
Margaret
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Your writing is so descriptive and down-to-earth, putting the reader there as your words set the scene.
Doctrex writes to Braims to inform him of the bodies and asks him to have them buried in a worthy manner
Gavin thinks there's a risk at being killed when he's
delivering the letter to Braims Glassem,but Doctrex assures there's no likelihood of that and that his uniform will be his ticket to safety.
serrendipity
serendipity
Great writing, Jay.
Margaret
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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I'm happy you enjoyed this chapter, especially to the extent of the sixer! I corrected serendipity. Thanks for the catch.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
My dear writer, special the gift, enjoyed, a great deal, for a reason I can not explain I am lost in this story , thank u again, walt
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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My dear writer, special the gift, enjoyed, a great deal, for a reason I can not explain I am lost in this story , thank u again, walt
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thank you, Walter. Things will start happening as we progress over the next two chapters that will turn everything upside down.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I got that this is some sort of a trick. I can't wait for all the details. I am sure they are forth coming. You did a great job writing this. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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I got that this is some sort of a trick. I can't wait for all the details. I am sure they are forth coming. You did a great job writing this. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2015
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Thanks Barbara for your encouragement and your rating. I'm happy you are enjoying this.
