THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "KARULE BARSACH'S TESTIMONY (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
24 total reviews
Comment from Fridayauthor
I like this chapter, especially the telling dialog. I can understand the setting but I wonder about Doctrex remaining in bed. Unless he absolutely was too weak to get up, it's hard to picture the tense discussion from there.
"Just bring me my men!" I'd like to see a little of his feelings or a reaction when he says this. . . his emotion.
Very nice lead to the next chapter.
Married fifty years ago today so I'm busy and going out of town for the next four days.
Have a nice Thanksgiving!
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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I like this chapter, especially the telling dialog. I can understand the setting but I wonder about Doctrex remaining in bed. Unless he absolutely was too weak to get up, it's hard to picture the tense discussion from there.
"Just bring me my men!" I'd like to see a little of his feelings or a reaction when he says this. . . his emotion.
Very nice lead to the next chapter.
Married fifty years ago today so I'm busy and going out of town for the next four days.
Have a nice Thanksgiving!
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Happy Anniversary! Not many make their 50th.
I'm in agreement with you about the bed thing. I'll take care of it in the final edit. Only two more chapters before I have to dig deep and re-create the lost bunch of chapters one by one. I'll be lucky to post one a week. But, during that time I will begin the re-posting of my mainstream novel.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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Busy day. The hillbilly plays league tennis at 9:00 after celebrating last night. At noon we pick up friends, turkey, etc and drive 150 miles to Tubac, AZ.
I still don't know what my next big project will be.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Comment from krprice
He cleared his throat, coughed, and cleared it again.
"I beg you, General Doctrex. . .
Try to avoid using saw, heard, smelled, and felt.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
I closed my eyes, slid myself down to my back, and. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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He cleared his throat, coughed, and cleared it again.
"I beg you, General Doctrex. . .
Try to avoid using saw, heard, smelled, and felt.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
I closed my eyes, slid myself down to my back, and. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Thanks, Karlene, my friend. I'll check these out. Have a marvelous Thanksgiving.
Comment from mmjg65
Well. I have my answers now, don't I? At least to my old questions, anyway.
Your depiction of the scene between General Doctrex and Karule Barsach was beautifully executed. Barsach walking in by himself raised a nasty suspicion. You did a marvelous job of drawing out that suspense through the entire scene.
Although I can see several reasons why Barsach might steal Jed's suicide pill, I'm left wondering if that's what happened. Was Barsach just a crossan expert? Hm. New questions. I like new questions.
Really another first rate job, Jay!
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Well. I have my answers now, don't I? At least to my old questions, anyway.
Your depiction of the scene between General Doctrex and Karule Barsach was beautifully executed. Barsach walking in by himself raised a nasty suspicion. You did a marvelous job of drawing out that suspense through the entire scene.
Although I can see several reasons why Barsach might steal Jed's suicide pill, I'm left wondering if that's what happened. Was Barsach just a crossan expert? Hm. New questions. I like new questions.
Really another first rate job, Jay!
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Huge blessings to you Mark. I love that "Order of the Chartreuse Cross" award. I am thrilled you are getting into this novel.
Comment from Sankey
Another exciting read, my friend. Lots more drama and still more to come I am sure. You are good at maintaining the mystery of what actually happened to his troops.
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Another exciting read, my friend. Lots more drama and still more to come I am sure. You are good at maintaining the mystery of what actually happened to his troops.
Comment Written 25-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2014
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Thanks, Geoff. Glad you're enjoying it. Yes, everything will come out in the wash, as they say (who? I don't know-- someone's saying it.)
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OK I forgot to tell you TESTIMONY
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OMG, you're right. THank you my friend for telling me. How embarrassing.
Comment from rjpurdy
Strange! Of course your writing rings true, but there is a lot of mystery surrounding this interaction. Perhaps it is what it seems to be on the surface. However, knowing you the way I do, I doubt that. You have the most marvelous way of leaving the reader hanging, to specualte on the "what-ifs" Karule may be a liar, and that would make sense in the face of unspeakable torture. I am suspicious! Something more than that is going on here, I can sense it. Alas! I am left to speculate. The strength of this scene has yet to play itself out. I could be way off base but I sense the magic of Glnot Reuther at play here.
This is the most fun I have had reading since I don't know when. Peace my friend. Rod
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Strange! Of course your writing rings true, but there is a lot of mystery surrounding this interaction. Perhaps it is what it seems to be on the surface. However, knowing you the way I do, I doubt that. You have the most marvelous way of leaving the reader hanging, to specualte on the "what-ifs" Karule may be a liar, and that would make sense in the face of unspeakable torture. I am suspicious! Something more than that is going on here, I can sense it. Alas! I am left to speculate. The strength of this scene has yet to play itself out. I could be way off base but I sense the magic of Glnot Reuther at play here.
This is the most fun I have had reading since I don't know when. Peace my friend. Rod
Comment Written 24-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Talk about a compliment! You are the first person to tell me my story has given him a lot of fun! Thank you, Rod.
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My pleasure Jay
Comment from JackiO
Doctrex annihilated Karule!
Very clever.
Was Karule a spy from the start?
looking forward to Zarbs reaction.
As always I really enjoyed
Thanks.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Doctrex annihilated Karule!
Very clever.
Was Karule a spy from the start?
looking forward to Zarbs reaction.
As always I really enjoyed
Thanks.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Bless you, JackiO. So happy you've jumped aboard. I think you'll be satisfied with what I have planned.
Comment from Dashjianta
For the man in charge Zarbs seems very vague on the details. Deliberately so, I presume--not the type to take responsibility for his own actions, if he can avoid it.
Conversation with Karule was interesting. Doctrex picked apart Karule's claims well.
Did Zarbs send in Karule to get the timetable by winning Doctrex's trust? I'll have to wait and see.
Suggestions:
I swallowed hard, at the thought of that.
--delete the comma?
You seemed kind of proud of it.
--Consider deleting 'kind of'. Would make it a stronger statement.
And, now you just said you were bluffing
--Comma's sneaked in after the 'and'.
Shrugging, then with a pained smile he got to his feet, brushing off his knees.
--The gerund at the start feels disjointed. Consider: Shrugging, he got to his feet, his smile pained, and brushed off his knees. (BAD example), or rework the sentence so there's no gerund (A pained smile accompanied his shrug (equally bad example. Needs Doctrexified.))
I'm sorry(,) General,
The last lines of the prophesy kept going through my mind now.
--Lose 'now'?
That I didn't leave my yoke. I was thrown out from under it!
--To cut out an 'I' consider: That I didn't leave my yoke but was thrown out from under it!
in a direction opposite of our target.(")
And missing line space after.
He looked at the floor. "Why would you forget to tell me that?"
--New para before Doctrex speaks.
First they made him watch them torture the other one until he passed out.
--This could be read to mean he made Jed watch the torture until Jed passed out. I know its not (next sentence makes it clear) but just wanted to say.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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For the man in charge Zarbs seems very vague on the details. Deliberately so, I presume--not the type to take responsibility for his own actions, if he can avoid it.
Conversation with Karule was interesting. Doctrex picked apart Karule's claims well.
Did Zarbs send in Karule to get the timetable by winning Doctrex's trust? I'll have to wait and see.
Suggestions:
I swallowed hard, at the thought of that.
--delete the comma?
You seemed kind of proud of it.
--Consider deleting 'kind of'. Would make it a stronger statement.
And, now you just said you were bluffing
--Comma's sneaked in after the 'and'.
Shrugging, then with a pained smile he got to his feet, brushing off his knees.
--The gerund at the start feels disjointed. Consider: Shrugging, he got to his feet, his smile pained, and brushed off his knees. (BAD example), or rework the sentence so there's no gerund (A pained smile accompanied his shrug (equally bad example. Needs Doctrexified.))
I'm sorry(,) General,
The last lines of the prophesy kept going through my mind now.
--Lose 'now'?
That I didn't leave my yoke. I was thrown out from under it!
--To cut out an 'I' consider: That I didn't leave my yoke but was thrown out from under it!
in a direction opposite of our target.(")
And missing line space after.
He looked at the floor. "Why would you forget to tell me that?"
--New para before Doctrex speaks.
First they made him watch them torture the other one until he passed out.
--This could be read to mean he made Jed watch the torture until Jed passed out. I know its not (next sentence makes it clear) but just wanted to say.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Good close read, Alex, and excellent suggestions. I will be employing many of them. I will probably have to do that tomorrow since I've gotten so far behind owing to family responsibilities. Grampa had to baby sit! THanks so much, Alex.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Black magic seems to be at work again, I'm thinking. Doctrex amazes me with how he's able to keep his head and puzzle out the situation despite his extreme agitation. I hope whatever is speaking through Karule is lying about the torture and deaths. A grim and very effective chapter, Jay.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Black magic seems to be at work again, I'm thinking. Doctrex amazes me with how he's able to keep his head and puzzle out the situation despite his extreme agitation. I hope whatever is speaking through Karule is lying about the torture and deaths. A grim and very effective chapter, Jay.
:) Bev
Comment Written 24-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Appreciate your kindness, Bev and your insight. We'll just have to see how it plays out. I ain't talkin'! Thanks!
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You're very welcome, Jay. I'm ready for this fantasy to take me in new directions. :) Bev
Comment from c_lucas
The Western armies had one form of torture, but the Eastern armies had a more sophisticated form. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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The Western armies had one form of torture, but the Eastern armies had a more sophisticated form. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Thanks, Charlie. There is no historical precedence here, and no research done since it was not planned out in advance. Things just evolved.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Jay,
Hmmmm, some things revealed and a light bulb moment. It's getting good.
~~ SPAG
"I beg you(,) General Doctrex!"
~~ Need space above this line
His face reddened and droplets
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*.*)
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Hi, Jay,
Hmmmm, some things revealed and a light bulb moment. It's getting good.
~~ SPAG
"I beg you(,) General Doctrex!"
~~ Need space above this line
His face reddened and droplets
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*.*)
Comment Written 24-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2014
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Took care of the spacing error and I'll take care of the other momentarily. Thanks for your eagle eye, and beagle breath ... okay, just eagle eye! You are appreciated.
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I'm an equal opportunity 'eagle eye!' (*.*)
