THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "DECISION ON THE PLAIN OF DJUR (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
22 total reviews
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
What? What? Probably is what?!!! Inquiring minds want to know, my friend.
Gruesome beginning, eeeewwww.
Okay, my book is in the hands of CreateSpace for the final proofing. Jeesh, I feel like I just gave birth to my 3rd kid. Wonderful feeling to have completed a project, nerve-wracking too.
CONGRATS on Book of the Month nominee. You're slaughtering us underlings (*.*) Good for you! I'm just delighted to be nominated.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*.*)
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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What? What? Probably is what?!!! Inquiring minds want to know, my friend.
Gruesome beginning, eeeewwww.
Okay, my book is in the hands of CreateSpace for the final proofing. Jeesh, I feel like I just gave birth to my 3rd kid. Wonderful feeling to have completed a project, nerve-wracking too.
CONGRATS on Book of the Month nominee. You're slaughtering us underlings (*.*) Good for you! I'm just delighted to be nominated.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*.*)
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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Thank you for your kind words, Jax. I probably won't post the next chapter until Saturday, since I have no funny money. I can't BUY a pump. Well, of course I can BUY one. I'm speaking metaphorically.
About the contest. A lotta days to go. Mikey's a tough competitor and some nice things were said about your chapter. I'm not investing any emotion on it. What's the payout, anyway?
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid words like, saw, felt, heard, and smelled.
Good chapter.
Doctrex didn't need the bad news he got.
Karlene
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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Try to avoid words like, saw, felt, heard, and smelled.
Good chapter.
Doctrex didn't need the bad news he got.
Karlene
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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Thanks Karlene. No, Doctrex would rather have gone on directly to the Palace of Qarnolt with his army. Lots of twists and turns ahead. I'm so blessed having had you along (right from the beginning, wasn't it?)
Comment from JackiO
A nice lull before the storm...
I like the cliff hanger, not as aggressive as the previous but still there,
enough to want to read on.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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A nice lull before the storm...
I like the cliff hanger, not as aggressive as the previous but still there,
enough to want to read on.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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No, JackiO, not as aggressive, but I can promise there will be many interesting and exciting turns in the chapters ahead. Hope you are here to experience it. THanks, my friend.
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Where else would I be???? Looking very much forward to it!
And huge pleasure!
Comment from Antoine Charlemaine
Hey, Jay. Another well-written, detailed chapter. Lots of detail, some of which I had to read twice. I sense this is an 'in-between' chapter, filling in some gaps of knowledge, and certainly did not hold the same suspense and horror of previous chapters. That's perfectly understandable - not every chapter can have readers on the edge. Even so, you still manged a cliff-hanger at the end, reminding me that there is more of the god stuff to come.
'Ziltinaur reminded the six, "This could have been yours."' I was left asking the question, 'Your what?"
'But once that let up(,) the enemy began its attack.'
Anthony.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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Hey, Jay. Another well-written, detailed chapter. Lots of detail, some of which I had to read twice. I sense this is an 'in-between' chapter, filling in some gaps of knowledge, and certainly did not hold the same suspense and horror of previous chapters. That's perfectly understandable - not every chapter can have readers on the edge. Even so, you still manged a cliff-hanger at the end, reminding me that there is more of the god stuff to come.
'Ziltinaur reminded the six, "This could have been yours."' I was left asking the question, 'Your what?"
'But once that let up(,) the enemy began its attack.'
Anthony.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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It was Ziltinaur's ironic joke. The soldier's thought the bag was filled with presents for the soldiers. The presents were the soldiers who (if Ziltinaur's plan were carried out) would have massacred the soldiers--think Trojan Horse.
Thank you, Anthony, for your kind words and your loyalty to this story. A few chapters will build toward another crisis situation.
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Yes, I understand the Trojan Horse idea, Jay. I didn't read the sentence properly - my bad. I didn't realise it was Ziltinaur projecting a thought into their minds, I thought it was Doctrex speaking to them. Sorry. That's what I get for reading straight upon arriving home from a big day at work. :(
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Oh, Geez, no apologies needed, Anthony. You just keep on reading, heah?
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No worries :)
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Oh dear, this is not good news. I certainly wouldn't have been any good as a military general. Your writing is very believable and fills me with anxiety for the losses this army may incur. Giddy
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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Oh dear, this is not good news. I certainly wouldn't have been any good as a military general. Your writing is very believable and fills me with anxiety for the losses this army may incur. Giddy
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2014
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Thank you, Giddy, for dropping by again. Yes, but since he is the only viewpoint character, I can't lead him into a boring situation. LOL, what kind of story would that be? I think you'll like the next several chapters.
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Jay, I've just posted another chapter of the play. I've decided to leave the ellipis without a space before it as I've seen it in several places. Since we've been discussing it I notice it all the time! Giddy :)
Comment from rjpurdy
I find interesting how Doctrex's burden becomes heavier as he nears Reuther. A metaphor I suppose for the gravity he bears for his army and Kabeez. He seems to have no fear of Reuther a matter of fact attitude toward what must happen. I like that, it smells of a hero. Arval seems despondant. I hope his heavy losses are not too much for him and his men to endure.
Excellent as always Jay, the attention to detail and backstory maintains a high level of interest.
~Peace my friend~ Rod
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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I find interesting how Doctrex's burden becomes heavier as he nears Reuther. A metaphor I suppose for the gravity he bears for his army and Kabeez. He seems to have no fear of Reuther a matter of fact attitude toward what must happen. I like that, it smells of a hero. Arval seems despondant. I hope his heavy losses are not too much for him and his men to endure.
Excellent as always Jay, the attention to detail and backstory maintains a high level of interest.
~Peace my friend~ Rod
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Thanks again, Rod. I probably won't be posting the next chapter until next Saturday. That will give me time to make some of the funny money to promote the next three chapters. I appreciate you so much, my friend.
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As I appreciate you
Comment from c_lucas
The invading army usually take the most losses. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good job.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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The invading army usually take the most losses. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good job.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Thank you Charlie. Glad you enjoyed it.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from Dashjianta
An intriguing chapter. What is Doctrex planning--I'm thinking I'd be able to take a guess if I'd read from the start.
Nice opening scene. The disposal of the corpses and the departure lets the reader take a breather after the battle, and then the tension lifts again when Doctrex hears Rhuether.
The conversation with Arval builds a picture of what's happened elsewhere without getting bogged down in details. Nice touch with Doctrex reflecting on his not leaving enough protection. Also liked the way he had to pry the news from Arval then reassures him before taking control.
Thoughts and Suggestions:
and then pushed (them) down into the ravine.
Wedged, as they were, tightly under the left shoulder of Father Ziltinaur
--'it was' rather than 'they were' because you're talking about the bag?
It had been flattened and was sodden, already beginning to stink.
--Sounds squidgy. Nice, simple description.
I'm sure more than the few I witnessed, spat in the face
--Don't need the comma
The near certainty of the absence of Rhuether ...
--This sentence is a bit on the long side. I had to read twice to take it all in. Don't think splitting it is an option but little tweaks might help. eg: The near certainty of Rhuether's absence...
I felt myself sagging in the saddle to the point that(,) if Engle hadn't been alert and grasped me by my shoulder(,) I'd have fallen to the ground.
He must have intercepted my puzzlement over his words and went on through lips that trembled. "We were told you were wiped out."
--Should it be a comma, not fullstop after 'trembled'?
Eele's Advance Intelligent Man.
--For this para: You use 'they' to refer to different groups, the support and the enemy. Might want to change one to avoid confusion.
At that encampment he found evidence of (a) large number of soldiers
--or make 'number' plural
"So, the two came to you." I shook my head.
--You use 'so' a lot during the next few paras--consider trimming a few. Arval repeating 'so' works because it shows his reluctance to talk, but not so much with Doctrex.
"Don't waste your time explaining them, Arval. Our troops knew them well."
--'know them well'?
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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An intriguing chapter. What is Doctrex planning--I'm thinking I'd be able to take a guess if I'd read from the start.
Nice opening scene. The disposal of the corpses and the departure lets the reader take a breather after the battle, and then the tension lifts again when Doctrex hears Rhuether.
The conversation with Arval builds a picture of what's happened elsewhere without getting bogged down in details. Nice touch with Doctrex reflecting on his not leaving enough protection. Also liked the way he had to pry the news from Arval then reassures him before taking control.
Thoughts and Suggestions:
and then pushed (them) down into the ravine.
Wedged, as they were, tightly under the left shoulder of Father Ziltinaur
--'it was' rather than 'they were' because you're talking about the bag?
It had been flattened and was sodden, already beginning to stink.
--Sounds squidgy. Nice, simple description.
I'm sure more than the few I witnessed, spat in the face
--Don't need the comma
The near certainty of the absence of Rhuether ...
--This sentence is a bit on the long side. I had to read twice to take it all in. Don't think splitting it is an option but little tweaks might help. eg: The near certainty of Rhuether's absence...
I felt myself sagging in the saddle to the point that(,) if Engle hadn't been alert and grasped me by my shoulder(,) I'd have fallen to the ground.
He must have intercepted my puzzlement over his words and went on through lips that trembled. "We were told you were wiped out."
--Should it be a comma, not fullstop after 'trembled'?
Eele's Advance Intelligent Man.
--For this para: You use 'they' to refer to different groups, the support and the enemy. Might want to change one to avoid confusion.
At that encampment he found evidence of (a) large number of soldiers
--or make 'number' plural
"So, the two came to you." I shook my head.
--You use 'so' a lot during the next few paras--consider trimming a few. Arval repeating 'so' works because it shows his reluctance to talk, but not so much with Doctrex.
"Don't waste your time explaining them, Arval. Our troops knew them well."
--'know them well'?
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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I don't know how you can do such an in-depth review in so short a time, Alex. I saw so many catches that were easily fixable now, I went ahead and fixed them. It will still be put in my folder for the final edit. GREAT CATCHES! Thank you so much.
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Just practice. And I find it much easier to spot things in other people's writing than my own.
You're welcome.
Comment from royowen
I hope Eele is ok, maybe the hundred soldiers Arval sent have helped but then again, but alt least Arval is ok! Well after killing off the soldiers that came in the attempt to ambush Doctrex and his army hasn't worked, I wonder what Glnot Reuther has up his sleeve of tricks, well done, Jay, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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I hope Eele is ok, maybe the hundred soldiers Arval sent have helped but then again, but alt least Arval is ok! Well after killing off the soldiers that came in the attempt to ambush Doctrex and his army hasn't worked, I wonder what Glnot Reuther has up his sleeve of tricks, well done, Jay, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Thank you Roy. Gosh, it seems like you have really got into this. God bless you.
Comment from Sankey
Good chapter again mate.Still plenty of drama and excitement. Well done all over. As usual Fs always asks 4 more on my Mkbile hege👍
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reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Good chapter again mate.Still plenty of drama and excitement. Well done all over. As usual Fs always asks 4 more on my Mkbile hege👍
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 10-Nov-2014
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Thank you Geoff. Sorry, but I didn't understand that last sentence.
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Oops I was on my Mobile (Cell you call em) bit difficult navigating the Qwerty on there hehe. I said FS always wants more review on the Mobile.