THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "SOLDIER'S PERFUMED INTESTINES (Pt 1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
28 total reviews
Comment from rjpurdy
My interest is piqued and I am totally engrossed in the story. Your skill of description is superior Jay. I found one typo:
"It made perfect sensew, so, we embedded our wagons" - SENSE, near the end of the story.
A suggestion: perhaps you can look at this sentence and improve the wording. I found that it staggered my reading momentum and I had to reread it several times for clarity.
"because it's usually such a job it requires an assistant just to do that."
because it's usually such a job THAT it requires an assistant just to do IT. - Just my suggestion.
I thoroughly enjoy your work my friend and reading your's will improve my mine...I hope. ~Peace~ Rod
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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My interest is piqued and I am totally engrossed in the story. Your skill of description is superior Jay. I found one typo:
"It made perfect sensew, so, we embedded our wagons" - SENSE, near the end of the story.
A suggestion: perhaps you can look at this sentence and improve the wording. I found that it staggered my reading momentum and I had to reread it several times for clarity.
"because it's usually such a job it requires an assistant just to do that."
because it's usually such a job THAT it requires an assistant just to do IT. - Just my suggestion.
I thoroughly enjoy your work my friend and reading your's will improve my mine...I hope. ~Peace~ Rod
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Thank you so much Rod. I totally agree with you on the lack of a "that" in the sentence. I had been on a campaign to pull out any unnecessary "that" from my writing (cause we tend to use way too many), and I'm sure that was one I took out when it should have stayed.
Appreciate the other nit *sensew*. I've taken care of that. Now to insert a "that". TWO MINUTES LATER: Done!!
Comment from krprice
While Braims was filling. . . Show scene or have Sheleck tell Doctrex later.
Check your sentences for words, phrases, or clauses in a series, and put a comma before the conjunction.
Braims rode along. . . Last sentence delete the 'w' after the word sense.
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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While Braims was filling. . . Show scene or have Sheleck tell Doctrex later.
Check your sentences for words, phrases, or clauses in a series, and put a comma before the conjunction.
Braims rode along. . . Last sentence delete the 'w' after the word sense.
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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The "w" has been removed. Slowly, very slowly, I'm starting to get a handle on comma misuse.
Comment from lindalcreel
So now the medic is hearing voices too. Rheuther isn't going to stop. As long as he knows this is crippling Doctrix' soldiers he is going to continue to make them hear the voices, probably hoping to drive them insane or make them do something they would normally never think about. I would be very worried if I were Doctrix.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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So now the medic is hearing voices too. Rheuther isn't going to stop. As long as he knows this is crippling Doctrix' soldiers he is going to continue to make them hear the voices, probably hoping to drive them insane or make them do something they would normally never think about. I would be very worried if I were Doctrix.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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I have a hunch Doctrex has more brains than Rhuether has magic. All came outa my head, you know! Now that's scary.
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Too funny!
Comment from Eric1
Hi again Jay, I seem to have read your wonderful story the wrong way around, The doc was losing it at the beginning of the other chapter that I read, however, it has made things a lot clearer, great tale my friend.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Hi again Jay, I seem to have read your wonderful story the wrong way around, The doc was losing it at the beginning of the other chapter that I read, however, it has made things a lot clearer, great tale my friend.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Yeah, Eric, that's too bad about the sequencing. And, there's one before this that's still paying. Really, really happy you're enjoying the tale.
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You are welcome my friend.
Comment from PatVallesMangan
I'm just coming in here at this chapter, but I pick up a lot of what is going on which is a great compliment for your ability to convey a lot in few words. From bloodless bodies that have perfume like scents we are learning as readers, of this group of characters (in every sense!,) well described by the author. Definitely keeps your interest! Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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I'm just coming in here at this chapter, but I pick up a lot of what is going on which is a great compliment for your ability to convey a lot in few words. From bloodless bodies that have perfume like scents we are learning as readers, of this group of characters (in every sense!,) well described by the author. Definitely keeps your interest! Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Pat, for the kind words and evidence of a close read. This was not for a contest, though. It's an ongoing novel.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Well, this was just a hoot, Jay!
From the start with 'perfumed intestines' -- really? LOL
Then to the doc and hearing voices.
Glnot must be playing some kind of mind games or some kind of manipulation! Ta Dah!
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Well, this was just a hoot, Jay!
From the start with 'perfumed intestines' -- really? LOL
Then to the doc and hearing voices.
Glnot must be playing some kind of mind games or some kind of manipulation! Ta Dah!
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'.... Jax
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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You wanna make sure I sleep well tonight, too, huh? Thanks, Jax. I love my 6-ers. So much that I wait until Saturday, 9 PM, to post my string of chapters. Ain't we smart? Thanks again, though.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I get the distinct feeling of moving closer to a climax with a terrific build up for something extraordinary. I'm sure you have given all your readers an extreme case of nervous anticipation! Giddy
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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I get the distinct feeling of moving closer to a climax with a terrific build up for something extraordinary. I'm sure you have given all your readers an extreme case of nervous anticipation! Giddy
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Oh, I think it will be a doozie, though stretched out over a few more chapters. I'm so happy you're enjoying it, Giddy. BTW, when are you going to post something again?
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I'm working on 'Country Folk' but making heavy weather of it. The heat has arrived early here... Always knocks me for six. A few more weeks I think. Thanks for asking, Giddy
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I'll be watching for it!
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Say what. Another magical mystery? More voices, more layers? I'm in!
Braims always seems so stable, the solid one...and is he loosing it... but aren't flowers good?
not fair to leave us there, not fair at all...
padumachitta
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Hi. Say what. Another magical mystery? More voices, more layers? I'm in!
Braims always seems so stable, the solid one...and is he loosing it... but aren't flowers good?
not fair to leave us there, not fair at all...
padumachitta
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Well, stick around, Padumachitta. Just let me earn a few more sheckels and I'll be posting the next chapter tomorrow. Just keep smelling the roses ... or little pink flowers.
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Hey jay
well...you best get reviewing..cause I need to know...and I won't buy any pink flowers until I do:-)
padumachitta
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Pretty sure I'll have enough to post tomorrow. Of course, then it's starting at square one and building day after day until next Saturday, when I'll again post 3. You see a trend here?
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Hey Jay, you devious devil you:-)
Well, okay, so I learn patience, not a bad thing.
padumachitta
Comment from brentman99
An interesting chapter to a story that I haven't followed yet. The writing is pretty good and the story flows well.
My only comments are that some of your sentences are a bit long. So long that trying I stumbled a bit trying to read them aloud and put the emphasis in the right spots. A few points:
The wagons used to be at the very rear until Arval pointed out to me that by destroying our food, our supplies and our medicines the enemy could cripple our army.- the repetition of our, our, our doesn't really emphasis any more than using our once would.
It made perfect sense. So, we embedded our wagons within the ranks of the troops themselves. - how about "It made perfect sense, so we embedded our wagons within the ranks of the troops themselves." May flow better.
But, to the enemy(,) the camp would just be a distraction anyway.
Overall, well done. Thanks for sharing, Brent.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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An interesting chapter to a story that I haven't followed yet. The writing is pretty good and the story flows well.
My only comments are that some of your sentences are a bit long. So long that trying I stumbled a bit trying to read them aloud and put the emphasis in the right spots. A few points:
The wagons used to be at the very rear until Arval pointed out to me that by destroying our food, our supplies and our medicines the enemy could cripple our army.- the repetition of our, our, our doesn't really emphasis any more than using our once would.
It made perfect sense. So, we embedded our wagons within the ranks of the troops themselves. - how about "It made perfect sense, so we embedded our wagons within the ranks of the troops themselves." May flow better.
But, to the enemy(,) the camp would just be a distraction anyway.
Overall, well done. Thanks for sharing, Brent.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Thanks for the close read, Brent. Suggestions were good, all. I incorporated them... except for the overlong sentences. I'll check them in the final edit. Appreciate your help. Hope you'll come back for more.
Jay
Comment from Sankey
yay! mate another great chapter. Curiouser and curiouser as I used to say to Mikey ha. Well done and can't see any errors anywhere. Still in there with you and keen to see where this all goes.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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yay! mate another great chapter. Curiouser and curiouser as I used to say to Mikey ha. Well done and can't see any errors anywhere. Still in there with you and keen to see where this all goes.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2014
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Well, I'm keen on having you with us, Geoff. Yes, Mikey is curioser and curioser, isn't he. I love his series now.
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Yeah good stuff. Had the Internet ISP Tech over today. I now have to keep to just Chrome Browser he seems to think switching from Chrome to IE is causing my Internet problems. Now I have to find a media player that works on Chrome I did a search and a "V" media player I found is warned off by Norton Sigh!
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A language I don't understand, Geoff!
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No worries spoke to my personal software supplier and puter tech he thinks I should be able to get Windows media player working with Google Chrome as it is a Windows programme not related to browsers ho hum.