THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "UNDER THE BED, BEHIND THE EYES (Pt1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
24 total reviews
Comment from Loren (7)
Not sure why, but his phrase (though humorous) seemed a bit too contemporary for the story line: Suddenly, I felt like a traffic cop." On the other hand the theme of this chapter is deeply profound. It reminded me a bit of the Bible story Numbers 13, where Joshua and Caleb came back to camp - the only two(out of 12 )that were sent to spy on the inhabitants of the Promised Land. The other 10 said that they were as grasshoppers in their sight, but Joshua and Caleb said let us go out at once and slay them ... Yes, much to think about in the chapter. Still liking Doctrex, you make him very human. Loren
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2014
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Not sure why, but his phrase (though humorous) seemed a bit too contemporary for the story line: Suddenly, I felt like a traffic cop." On the other hand the theme of this chapter is deeply profound. It reminded me a bit of the Bible story Numbers 13, where Joshua and Caleb came back to camp - the only two(out of 12 )that were sent to spy on the inhabitants of the Promised Land. The other 10 said that they were as grasshoppers in their sight, but Joshua and Caleb said let us go out at once and slay them ... Yes, much to think about in the chapter. Still liking Doctrex, you make him very human. Loren
Comment Written 09-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Loren. You're the second who mentioned the traffic cop. Of course, Doctrex was in his other (real time) life as Viktor Brueen, and traffic cops were real there. But, if it strikes several as discord, I need to examine it. Glad to have you back, my friend.
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I was so caught up in the story at the moment that I forgot his past:) So, I would leave the phrase - like I said it was humorous and makes Doctrex seem more human. Loren
Comment from Writingfundimension
This chapter has it all, Jay. The creepy mind-bending going on, all backed up by the myths created to scare them as children, and great action. I am really looking forward to reading what comes next! :) Bev
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2014
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This chapter has it all, Jay. The creepy mind-bending going on, all backed up by the myths created to scare them as children, and great action. I am really looking forward to reading what comes next! :) Bev
Comment Written 09-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2014
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Good, Bev, you were the first to mention the myths of childhood on their dimension. It would be the equivalent, of course, of the bogey man of our childhood. I'll be posting the next chapter tomorrow if I earn enough "bucks" for it.
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid heard, saw, felt, smelled.
Too much telling at the beginning.
Check for commas after the conjunction in series of words, phrases, and clauses.
Strident horn blasts came. . . Before I could dress myself,. . .
I took off. . . Good description.
Good chapter.
Karlene
PS: I will be heading to a writer's conference tomorrow morning and won't return until Sunday.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2014
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Try to avoid heard, saw, felt, smelled.
Too much telling at the beginning.
Check for commas after the conjunction in series of words, phrases, and clauses.
Strident horn blasts came. . . Before I could dress myself,. . .
I took off. . . Good description.
Good chapter.
Karlene
PS: I will be heading to a writer's conference tomorrow morning and won't return until Sunday.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Karlene. A new chapter will be waiting for you when you get back.
Comment from marijmd
The mind is a scary thing - if he believes he is being attacked then he is simple as that - of course the others might not see it that way. I also like visions and wondering what is real and what is in the mind.
Keeping the soldiers bravery up is a full time job.
Good chapter.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2014
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The mind is a scary thing - if he believes he is being attacked then he is simple as that - of course the others might not see it that way. I also like visions and wondering what is real and what is in the mind.
Keeping the soldiers bravery up is a full time job.
Good chapter.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much, Maria. I feel so privileged to have you reading my story.
Comment from Sankey
Good work. Thought the mention of a traffic cop was a bit weird ha! I was not sure the era of the story hehe. Thanks for an interesting read. I am sure there is more coming.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2014
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Good work. Thought the mention of a traffic cop was a bit weird ha! I was not sure the era of the story hehe. Thanks for an interesting read. I am sure there is more coming.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2014
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Thanks for coming by again, Geoff. Don't forget Doctrex was from present day, as Viktor Brueenz, before he committed suicide and came back over. There'll be a lot more coming.
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Yeah well I forgot that I did have that thought at the back of my mind somewhere hehe.
Comment from royowen
Looks the same things that were happening before, the awful visions, the murmurings in their minds, scaring the living daylights out of them. Things are happening as before, there could be very difficult circumstances come to light, things are all coming to a head, Jay, Blessings, Roy,
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Looks the same things that were happening before, the awful visions, the murmurings in their minds, scaring the living daylights out of them. Things are happening as before, there could be very difficult circumstances come to light, things are all coming to a head, Jay, Blessings, Roy,
Comment Written 08-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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I hope it's a little different than before, Roy. Still it appears someone is messing with their minds. Was it a diversion? Thanks for your input, friend. God Bless.
Comment from c_lucas
Mind control, thinking one is being attack can be just as harmful as a real attack. This os very well written, making for a good read.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Mind control, thinking one is being attack can be just as harmful as a real attack. This os very well written, making for a good read.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Thanks, Charlie. You think the real one is coming up. I aim to please.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from Fridayauthor
I was going to complain again about D leading the whole business singularly until he brought it up himself.
Well written but I'd like to see more visual detail. He seems to move from one place to another too quickly given how many troops are involved.
Point of view....The guards heard it, (How does he know this?)
During the day...This entire paragraph is a single sentence and reads a tad messy.
Nice ending to the chapter, and tease to the next.
Good job!
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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I was going to complain again about D leading the whole business singularly until he brought it up himself.
Well written but I'd like to see more visual detail. He seems to move from one place to another too quickly given how many troops are involved.
Point of view....The guards heard it, (How does he know this?)
During the day...This entire paragraph is a single sentence and reads a tad messy.
Nice ending to the chapter, and tease to the next.
Good job!
Comment Written 08-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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I'll look into the visual detail. As I wrote it (and as I read it back) it's all a dizzying whirl, flying to all points of the compass. Even though what you say, as a reader, is true my first response in reading it was "how can I take time to describe anything? LOL, seriously, though, I'll look into it,probably not until the edit, after it drops.
How does he know the guards heard it? I don't know. I'll check that out now. You noticed I'm very relaxed about making changes like more detail and so-and-so should have done such-and-such, but point out something that makes me look stupid ... I'll jump right on it.
Thanks, Ray. I'll be interested in hearing your reactions to the next chapter. Some more experimental introspective stuff.
Jay
Comment from padumachitta
Hi. Dang, the shit hit the fan. He's got his work cut out now.
I was riveted , and now I gotta wait.
It's the mind control that gives me the ebeegeebees.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Hi. Dang, the shit hit the fan. He's got his work cut out now.
I was riveted , and now I gotta wait.
It's the mind control that gives me the ebeegeebees.
padumachitta
Comment Written 08-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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I don't even know, but I think he had an inkling of this happening in the previous chapter which was why he kept grilling Engle about the Pomnot (bogeymen) of his childhood. I'm glad you enjoyed this, Padumachitta. I may not post again until Friday. Thanks, as usual!
Comment from Goodauthor
This is a very well written chapter. I can't wait to find out who or what is attacking the army. What's below is the only mistake I saw. It is for you further reference. Good work.
"I'm heading over there, son. When making a direct address, calling the person father, son, daughter . . .etc. as in a name, the word is always capitalized.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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This is a very well written chapter. I can't wait to find out who or what is attacking the army. What's below is the only mistake I saw. It is for you further reference. Good work.
"I'm heading over there, son. When making a direct address, calling the person father, son, daughter . . .etc. as in a name, the word is always capitalized.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2014
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Bless you for the six stars, Linda! I'll have to check into the suggestion you made. I was aware if it replaces a named person it needs to be capitalized. In other words, if the soldier were his actual son. Whether it's a generic address ... I don't know. I'll have to research it. I only hope you're wrong because I use it so often I'd have to go back and use the find/replace tab for about fifty chapters. Thank you, though, for pointing it out, Linda.
Jay
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That's what I learned in Punctuation Inc. Class last term. It's a direct address.
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Well you might be right. If you are, I have my work cut out for me.
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Check in the Chicago Manuel of Style. That was the reference used for the class.
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Thanks, Linda. I checked it. Here's my conclusion: If he were Doctrex's son, it would be capitalized. Doctrex, however, is using the term the same way he would use "young man" and that wouldn't be capped.
I would think if "son" when not referring to one's own son would be capped then "general" when referring to Doctrex, but not using the formal Doctrex, would still be capped. Not so, says the source.
Like about everything else, exceptions are more usual than the actual.
I DO REALLY THANK YOU, LINDA. Anything you feel is wrong let me know. I just don't agree with it in this instance.
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Okay. I'll abide by your decision. It's personal preference I guess.
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Well, not personal. In other words, the examples I saw in the Chicago Manual of Style did refer to "son" as the substitute for the given name. Father and Mother were also specific to the parents.
Again, may I repeat, please don't STOP offering your advise or suggestions. Give and take is how we learn. I have an ongoing dispute (not really a dispute) with my friend Jaeladarling over the use of a space between a three dot ellipsis. She refuses to do it, and that's okay. We've got to keep supporting each other, critically and enthusiastically. Then we all grow.
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The manual explained that many times when a person (not the parent) makes a direct address using son or daughter, it is most commonly done with a strong emotional tie; therefore it is commonly capitalized, but it can also be smaller case.
Like the explanation point, capitalization of the term signifies strong emotion. Therefore it becomes personal preference.