Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Jealousy!!"memiors from my life experiences.
15 total reviews
Comment from whitteron
Driving here in the middle of the niht, you would (incomplete sentence
Thinking (she) you have switched voice here...before you were speaking directly
subconciously know(n)
You have an unusual writin style, and I'm not sure if it's intentional. I think you could use some commas, and cut the run on sentences into two. You may want to check out a software program on line Grammarly...it can help with these issues.
The story is an interesting one with a dramatic ending but the grammar issues take away from that.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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Driving here in the middle of the niht, you would (incomplete sentence
Thinking (she) you have switched voice here...before you were speaking directly
subconciously know(n)
You have an unusual writin style, and I'm not sure if it's intentional. I think you could use some commas, and cut the run on sentences into two. You may want to check out a software program on line Grammarly...it can help with these issues.
The story is an interesting one with a dramatic ending but the grammar issues take away from that.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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thanks for the review I'll work on it.
Comment from Gungalo
You offed her!!!! Man, shoulda gone for the guy first. LOL. What a write here. I love it and the strange things jealousy makes one do. Amazing attention to some pertinent details. I did notice one misspelling/typo ... lobby!!!
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
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You offed her!!!! Man, shoulda gone for the guy first. LOL. What a write here. I love it and the strange things jealousy makes one do. Amazing attention to some pertinent details. I did notice one misspelling/typo ... lobby!!!
Comment Written 27-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2010
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thank you she deserved it.
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LOL so I gathered.
Comment from Paulpl52
This is a decent first attempt at fiction. You tell the story with passion and intrigue. There are a few spag issues though. The way you breath - 'breathe' or the way your breath. You were the one thing I can hold on to - 'could' hold on to. Yesterday is so clear its like your still there - you're still there. To say it did not matter is only to deny our love. It does matter. It means everything. - it 'did' matter; it 'meant' everything. (try to keep the same tense)
Now I stair at the completed puzzle - 'stare'
Now I stair at the completed puzzle and I still can't believe what I'm seeing. I trusted you,';'(semi colon) I believed in you. The convention that we were supposed to go to. You started a fight with me over the laundry and refused to go with me for the weekend. I called home Friday night, but there was no answer.
I was sick to my stomach with fear. I rented a car and drove the six hours
From Philadelphia to Suffolk Long Island. I was sure that it was my imagination.
I'm a bit confused here. Do you live in Philadelphia or Suffolk? Is the house in question yours of hers?
Just some issues that need resolving with tenses, punctuation and presentation for clarity. However I think this is good and I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up, blessings, Paul.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2010
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This is a decent first attempt at fiction. You tell the story with passion and intrigue. There are a few spag issues though. The way you breath - 'breathe' or the way your breath. You were the one thing I can hold on to - 'could' hold on to. Yesterday is so clear its like your still there - you're still there. To say it did not matter is only to deny our love. It does matter. It means everything. - it 'did' matter; it 'meant' everything. (try to keep the same tense)
Now I stair at the completed puzzle - 'stare'
Now I stair at the completed puzzle and I still can't believe what I'm seeing. I trusted you,';'(semi colon) I believed in you. The convention that we were supposed to go to. You started a fight with me over the laundry and refused to go with me for the weekend. I called home Friday night, but there was no answer.
I was sick to my stomach with fear. I rented a car and drove the six hours
From Philadelphia to Suffolk Long Island. I was sure that it was my imagination.
I'm a bit confused here. Do you live in Philadelphia or Suffolk? Is the house in question yours of hers?
Just some issues that need resolving with tenses, punctuation and presentation for clarity. However I think this is good and I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up, blessings, Paul.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2010
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thank you for the kind review and the corrections. i made them.
Comment from c_lucas
You did a pretty good job with your first attempt. This is very well written with good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
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reply by the author on 24-Nov-2010
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You did a pretty good job with your first attempt. This is very well written with good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2010
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Thank you for the review and the stars.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Paula Andrea Pyle
The intent is well prepared and delivered. The tense varies and there are a few spelling errors. However ,the poem is strong enough to capture the reader. With adjustments: compelling.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2010
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The intent is well prepared and delivered. The tense varies and there are a few spelling errors. However ,the poem is strong enough to capture the reader. With adjustments: compelling.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2010
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The tense was to throw the reader off. I hope its not a poem?