The Senator's Mistress?
Opening Lines - Ten Chapters Contest27 total reviews
Comment from chaswriter
Marjike - A very interesting story progression in these lines. Chapter 1 has a problem in that it is really two sentences.
Several comments:
The doctor removes the stitches and says, "Georgia, you are lucky to be alive(. Have) the police found your attacker yet?" - sorry, but that is a comma splice and should be two sentences. The semicolon would be used to connect two related sentences. The second sentence is a question and the semicolon should not be use to connect it to the previous sentence unless that sentence is also a question.
Get on the floor now( )and don't look up," he says - no comma with compound predicates
I look straight ahead as I'm led into court(--)my wrists cuffed and an officer on either side of me. - a colon can also work here. This would also work: I look straight ahead as I'm led into court; my wrists( are) cuffed and an officer( walks) on (each) side of me.
Charlie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
   |
Marjike - A very interesting story progression in these lines. Chapter 1 has a problem in that it is really two sentences.
Several comments:
The doctor removes the stitches and says, "Georgia, you are lucky to be alive(. Have) the police found your attacker yet?" - sorry, but that is a comma splice and should be two sentences. The semicolon would be used to connect two related sentences. The second sentence is a question and the semicolon should not be use to connect it to the previous sentence unless that sentence is also a question.
Get on the floor now( )and don't look up," he says - no comma with compound predicates
I look straight ahead as I'm led into court(--)my wrists cuffed and an officer on either side of me. - a colon can also work here. This would also work: I look straight ahead as I'm led into court; my wrists( are) cuffed and an officer( walks) on (each) side of me.
Charlie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
-
Thank you Charlie, thank you for your feedback, and I agree with them. I have made the changes as suggested. Thanks and warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I enjoyed reading all of them.
Get on the floor now, and don't look up, (first comma not needed)
I crawl under the fence, (I am not sure on this one, but when I read this I read crawled)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
|
I enjoyed reading all of them.
Get on the floor now, and don't look up, (first comma not needed)
I crawl under the fence, (I am not sure on this one, but when I read this I read crawled)
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
-
Hi Barbara, thank you for your generous review. I stayed in the present tense, as per all the other lines for consistency. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from btruax
This is a very interesting contest. Your sentences have some sort of continuity and I think I can imagine what happens in between them. Good luck on the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
|
This is a very interesting contest. Your sentences have some sort of continuity and I think I can imagine what happens in between them. Good luck on the contest.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
-
Thank you so much, brtuax, for your kind and generous review and those lovely stars. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from winsome
This is a great contest entry. Are you going to write the story? Have you already written the story? I enjoyed the opening lines and would loke to read more. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
|
This is a great contest entry. Are you going to write the story? Have you already written the story? I enjoyed the opening lines and would loke to read more. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
-
Thank you so much, winsome, for your kind and generous review and those lovely stars. I may write the story one day, but not right now, quite busy with another novel and some short stories. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from AnnaLinda
Marijke,
I think that these opening lines are outstanding! I don't think that I could pick a favorite, as they really are all
very interesting and make me want to read further.
I see no errors in this entry and it by far the best one that I have read thus far.
Linda
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
|
Marijke,
I think that these opening lines are outstanding! I don't think that I could pick a favorite, as they really are all
very interesting and make me want to read further.
I see no errors in this entry and it by far the best one that I have read thus far.
Linda
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
-
Hi Linda, and thank you, for those generous comments, and your lovely stars. Thanks my friend, and warmest regards, Marijke
-
You are welcome.
Linda
Comment from words
Great write.
I feel I know the story just from you lines.
Are you actually going to write this tale?
The first sentence, did draw me in:I sense rather than hear the presence of someone in the room, yet I don't feel fear, just indignation that someone's inside my home.
Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
|
Great write.
I feel I know the story just from you lines.
Are you actually going to write this tale?
The first sentence, did draw me in:I sense rather than hear the presence of someone in the room, yet I don't feel fear, just indignation that someone's inside my home.
Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
-
Hi words, and thank you, for those generous comments, and your lovely stars. Maybe one day, it does sound intriguing, does it not? Thanks my friend, and warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from Begin Again
Marijke,
Terrific build up, filled with intrigue and suspense, The chosen lines would be excellent lead-ins to chapters and would surely hold the readers attention.
Carol
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
|
Marijke,
Terrific build up, filled with intrigue and suspense, The chosen lines would be excellent lead-ins to chapters and would surely hold the readers attention.
Carol
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
-
Thank you, Carol, for your kind words, they are especially relevant to me coming from you, as I so admire your writing skills and techniques. Warmest regards, my friend.
Marijke
Comment from spellbound
I can feel there is more following these first sentences and they give me the feeling there is definitely a story here.
Right now I'd think my favorite chapter would be Chapter 8 as she stands up and proclaims her innocence. However Chapter 10 is intriguing as well. Sounds like someone knows something or is having difficulty accepting the truth.
Good luck with this contest.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
 |
I can feel there is more following these first sentences and they give me the feeling there is definitely a story here.
Right now I'd think my favorite chapter would be Chapter 8 as she stands up and proclaims her innocence. However Chapter 10 is intriguing as well. Sounds like someone knows something or is having difficulty accepting the truth.
Good luck with this contest.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
-
Thank you so much, spellbound, for your kind and generous review and those lovely stars. I am thrilled my ten lines brought you enough to give it such a generous rating. Warmest regards, my friend, Marijke
Comment from missy98writer
Marijke,
Fantastic entry for the writing prompt. I'm hooked and you should write this into a book. The one think you learn is that you need to hook the reader. Opening lines are paramount to luring in the reader. The ones I liked the best:
Chapter 5:
"You say it was self defense, yet you were on the Senator?s property?" the officer asks in disbelief.
Chapter 9:
The Senator's widow jumps up and yells, "You bitch, you might think you got away with murder, but I'm not finished with you!"
A great entry in the writing prompt. Cool art work. Why are we always interested in the mistress?
Keep up the awesome writing. .. Melissa.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
|
Marijke,
Fantastic entry for the writing prompt. I'm hooked and you should write this into a book. The one think you learn is that you need to hook the reader. Opening lines are paramount to luring in the reader. The ones I liked the best:
Chapter 5:
"You say it was self defense, yet you were on the Senator?s property?" the officer asks in disbelief.
Chapter 9:
The Senator's widow jumps up and yells, "You bitch, you might think you got away with murder, but I'm not finished with you!"
A great entry in the writing prompt. Cool art work. Why are we always interested in the mistress?
Keep up the awesome writing. .. Melissa.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
-
Thank you so much, Melissa, for your kind and generous review and those lovely stars. Warmest regards and hugs, Marijke
Comment from Joan E.
This exercise seems rather like developing an outline for writing, which something I never do. No wonder I didn't enter the contest. There's also the small fact that only 2% of my writing is prose.!
Your opening lines piqued my interest in the potential novel. Chapter 7 certainly makes the plot thicken. Chapter 9 provides the "ah ha" of a plan B suspect, and Chapter 10 adds more suspense. Best wishes in the voting booth.
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
|
This exercise seems rather like developing an outline for writing, which something I never do. No wonder I didn't enter the contest. There's also the small fact that only 2% of my writing is prose.!
Your opening lines piqued my interest in the potential novel. Chapter 7 certainly makes the plot thicken. Chapter 9 provides the "ah ha" of a plan B suspect, and Chapter 10 adds more suspense. Best wishes in the voting booth.
Comment Written 18-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2010
-
Hi Joan, thank you so much for your kind and generous review and those lovely stars. Warmest regards and hugs, Marijke