Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 40 "Chapter 11; part 2"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
61 total reviews
Comment from bob cullen
What a hook to leave for the poor reader.
Your writing flows superbly. Your dialogue is realistic and in this extract sweetened with a wonderful touch of mateship mocking.
Most importantly you leave the reader hungry for more, the mark of a good writer.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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What a hook to leave for the poor reader.
Your writing flows superbly. Your dialogue is realistic and in this extract sweetened with a wonderful touch of mateship mocking.
Most importantly you leave the reader hungry for more, the mark of a good writer.
Comment Written 30-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
Great chapter. Nice imaging and good dialogue exchanges. The story is moving and I get a hint of more twists. Your narrative is working well and your characters have depth. That's the main element in a good novel. I see so much work with "paper" characters it makes reviewing a chore.
It's hard to tell a writer that his/her story falls flat with empty characters. Those writers are bent on long,drawn out narrative that goes nowhere. You're beyond all of that.
Good work, good read.
Ted
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2010
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Hi Barbara :)
Great chapter. Nice imaging and good dialogue exchanges. The story is moving and I get a hint of more twists. Your narrative is working well and your characters have depth. That's the main element in a good novel. I see so much work with "paper" characters it makes reviewing a chore.
It's hard to tell a writer that his/her story falls flat with empty characters. Those writers are bent on long,drawn out narrative that goes nowhere. You're beyond all of that.
Good work, good read.
Ted
Comment Written 30-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate your review.
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Hi Barbara :)
I meant every word.
Ted
Comment from Jonez08
Hi Barbara a nice follow-up scene to their lovemaking, very interesting and the end gave me pause..I'm asking myself what is she up to? I guess time will tell. I enjoyed
they held each other in a loving embrace, which (developed) into sensuous lovemaking.
(developed doesn't quite work for me in the romantic sense. Maybe you can consider something like: they held each other in a loving embrace and was soon swept up into.. or if you want to keep your sentence, consider 'led' instead of developed)
She rose (up on) her knees and looked down at him.
(rose already means 'up' so this isn't needed, put 'She rose (to) her knees and looked...)
Cassandra
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2010
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Hi Barbara a nice follow-up scene to their lovemaking, very interesting and the end gave me pause..I'm asking myself what is she up to? I guess time will tell. I enjoyed
they held each other in a loving embrace, which (developed) into sensuous lovemaking.
(developed doesn't quite work for me in the romantic sense. Maybe you can consider something like: they held each other in a loving embrace and was soon swept up into.. or if you want to keep your sentence, consider 'led' instead of developed)
She rose (up on) her knees and looked down at him.
(rose already means 'up' so this isn't needed, put 'She rose (to) her knees and looked...)
Cassandra
Comment Written 30-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your review. I see what you mean with rose. Will take care of it.
Comment from chaswriter
barbara - Why did she ask the doctor about verification? Hmmm ... you got me wondering about that. A great chapter.
Some suggestions:
He's married with three children(: )two boys and a girl.
"As for dates (...)"
In other words(, )watch your comments around her."
Charlie
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2010
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barbara - Why did she ask the doctor about verification? Hmmm ... you got me wondering about that. A great chapter.
Some suggestions:
He's married with three children(: )two boys and a girl.
"As for dates (...)"
In other words(, )watch your comments around her."
Charlie
Comment Written 29-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate your help.
Comment from Kelly Shackelford
This was a great read. Very moving. the pace and characters were spot on. Great job.
I look forward to reading more of your work!
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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This was a great read. Very moving. the pace and characters were spot on. Great job.
I look forward to reading more of your work!
Comment Written 29-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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thank you for your kind review.
Comment from minopavlic
Brilliantly crafted plot within an imagination ready to expode in its creativity.Truly a talented author,with so much to offer. This chapter had an intriguing ability to hold my interest from the opening to the finish, and this my friend is where the importance of any written expression finds its form.
Keep writing,
No_obstacle
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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Brilliantly crafted plot within an imagination ready to expode in its creativity.Truly a talented author,with so much to offer. This chapter had an intriguing ability to hold my interest from the opening to the finish, and this my friend is where the importance of any written expression finds its form.
Keep writing,
No_obstacle
Comment Written 29-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from dmjones
The ending had quite a bang. I'm wondering what she needs it for. A good chapter, great dialogue. The last part was good suspense. Fast paced, what more can I say?
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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The ending had quite a bang. I'm wondering what she needs it for. A good chapter, great dialogue. The last part was good suspense. Fast paced, what more can I say?
Comment Written 29-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi barb, it's nice that they are now living as normal husband and wife and took the chance to find out more about each other.
See some notes:
Leya held up her arm and stared at it, before offering it to Steven. - this feels like her arm is something detachable. How about - before showing it to Steven?
[He teased,] "And I know you wear lace thong underwear, - no need to tell us. We know he's teasing. And you mentioned it again in the next sentence. Plenty of this words throughout the chapter as well.
"Yep, we met [ ] our freshman year. - a missing word there?
How old are you anyway?" - LOL, he married her without knowing her age? Since Steven has been in love in her, I think her age should interest him well before the marriage, unless you mean he's teasing again.
"The background check didn't list my birthday?" [Her eyes widened.] - put this part before the dialogue. She reacted first before speaking.
Lots of 'He kissed her' in this chapter, they become repetitive. Suggest remove some or vary the phrase. We understand they are in passionate moments.
Check these parts. Try to vary the acts/reactions:
She nodded and [grinned]. "I have a feeling they've already figured it out."
"You're probably right." He [grinned]. "Go back to sleep, sleepy head. I'll check on you in a few hours." He kissed her, before he exited the door.
Ralph [grinned]. "Short honeymoon, uh?"
After Steven kissed her goodbye, [she] lay in bed until she heard the helicopter leave. She then put on a robe and went to Steven's office. - suggest use 'Leya' where the brackets are.
hope those help.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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Hi barb, it's nice that they are now living as normal husband and wife and took the chance to find out more about each other.
See some notes:
Leya held up her arm and stared at it, before offering it to Steven. - this feels like her arm is something detachable. How about - before showing it to Steven?
[He teased,] "And I know you wear lace thong underwear, - no need to tell us. We know he's teasing. And you mentioned it again in the next sentence. Plenty of this words throughout the chapter as well.
"Yep, we met [ ] our freshman year. - a missing word there?
How old are you anyway?" - LOL, he married her without knowing her age? Since Steven has been in love in her, I think her age should interest him well before the marriage, unless you mean he's teasing again.
"The background check didn't list my birthday?" [Her eyes widened.] - put this part before the dialogue. She reacted first before speaking.
Lots of 'He kissed her' in this chapter, they become repetitive. Suggest remove some or vary the phrase. We understand they are in passionate moments.
Check these parts. Try to vary the acts/reactions:
She nodded and [grinned]. "I have a feeling they've already figured it out."
"You're probably right." He [grinned]. "Go back to sleep, sleepy head. I'll check on you in a few hours." He kissed her, before he exited the door.
Ralph [grinned]. "Short honeymoon, uh?"
After Steven kissed her goodbye, [she] lay in bed until she heard the helicopter leave. She then put on a robe and went to Steven's office. - suggest use 'Leya' where the brackets are.
hope those help.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and help. I appreciate the time you took to assist me.
Comment from Savoy8you
VERY GOOD INDEED AND I LIKE READING YOUR STORIES BECAUSE IT DESCRIBES GOOD STUFF AND I LIKE YOUR CHAPTERS FOOD JOB KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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VERY GOOD INDEED AND I LIKE READING YOUR STORIES BECAUSE IT DESCRIBES GOOD STUFF AND I LIKE YOUR CHAPTERS FOOD JOB KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK
Comment Written 29-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from ulster3
Oops Barbara.
I will need to find out why Leya did this thing. You have written the chapter very well and left the reader on a cliff. lol. Thanks. I see no errors.
Rebecca
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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Oops Barbara.
I will need to find out why Leya did this thing. You have written the chapter very well and left the reader on a cliff. lol. Thanks. I see no errors.
Rebecca
Comment Written 28-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
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I do look forward to more. R
