Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "Chapter 9; part 1"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
49 total reviews
Comment from dragonqueen1983
this story may be longer than most of your others but i agree that there is no good place to break it up and besides its well worth the time
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2010
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this story may be longer than most of your others but i agree that there is no good place to break it up and besides its well worth the time
Comment Written 15-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2010
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Thank you for your review. I am fearful the next one will be just as long. I am trying to break it up.
Comment from 8thompso
A great story. I love the characters you have created here and It makes me want to go back and catch up on the chapters I've missed. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2010
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A great story. I love the characters you have created here and It makes me want to go back and catch up on the chapters I've missed. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2010
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Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from ladybird
A very good chapter. I don't mind longer chapters, you can get more immersed in it. Pleased to hear Leya's getting better an Steven has at last admitted to someone that he loves her. A good ending, making the reader think Peggy was involvedin the attack.
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2010
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A very good chapter. I don't mind longer chapters, you can get more immersed in it. Pleased to hear Leya's getting better an Steven has at last admitted to someone that he loves her. A good ending, making the reader think Peggy was involvedin the attack.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2010
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Thank you for the kind review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from Mengleoh67
I knew it! I knew she was a heifer!
Oh sorry, I got carried away again. Another magnificent chapter! Exceptional character interaction and dialogue. Good introduction of important information through Matt's sharing his thoughts with the reader. I'd love to read his & Dani's story!
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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I knew it! I knew she was a heifer!
Oh sorry, I got carried away again. Another magnificent chapter! Exceptional character interaction and dialogue. Good introduction of important information through Matt's sharing his thoughts with the reader. I'd love to read his & Dani's story!
Comment Written 14-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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I have already post the entire book, before this one. Her Pretty Little Neck, it's in my profile.
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Oooooh FABULOUS!!!!!
Comment from poetknowit
This is an interesting plot line and demonstrates that love between unlikely partners happens every day.
I have a feeling Peggy will cause trouble for Steven before it is all over.
Your spelling and grammatical structure are good, and your use of conversational quotes is excellent.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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This is an interesting plot line and demonstrates that love between unlikely partners happens every day.
I have a feeling Peggy will cause trouble for Steven before it is all over.
Your spelling and grammatical structure are good, and your use of conversational quotes is excellent.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from jayhawk67
Peggy the rat? Apparently Matt thinks so. Hope she falls for it. Glad to see Leya on the road to recovery, but Peggy's re-emergence promises more conflict.
Good chapter.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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Peggy the rat? Apparently Matt thinks so. Hope she falls for it. Glad to see Leya on the road to recovery, but Peggy's re-emergence promises more conflict.
Good chapter.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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You are correct about the conflict. Thank you for your review.
Comment from mshugh
Okay - need to tighten words is what this review is about
The tighter the words - the tenser the write
Matt said as he chuckled.
- Matt chuckled? We assume he is speaking.
Ralph opened the door - Ralph entered
reason, but unfortunately in my line of work sometimes it happens." - something's wrong here - is there a dash or comething missing?
Great write
nice tension
Michael
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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Okay - need to tighten words is what this review is about
The tighter the words - the tenser the write
Matt said as he chuckled.
- Matt chuckled? We assume he is speaking.
Ralph opened the door - Ralph entered
reason, but unfortunately in my line of work sometimes it happens." - something's wrong here - is there a dash or comething missing?
Great write
nice tension
Michael
Comment Written 14-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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All right. You stay hidden for weeks then come back and don't even say hi before you begin tearing my post to shreds. I hope you know I am teasing. I will correct those things.
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I know
Actually they're not mistakes - just style issues. The tighter the text the higher the tension
Comment from Metal Head
I've read quite a few chapters of this story and enjoyed them on the whole. However, some of the writing feels disjointed, or maybe too clinical. Take the following line for example. 'Peggy smiled at Steven, as he walked up to Matt and asked, "Is the doctor with Leya?"'
As a suggestion, you could try something like this. Steven walked into the waiting room and ignored the smile given to him by Peggy. Instead he focused his attention on Matt. "Is the doctor with Leya?"
or
Steven walked into the waiting room and, ignoring the smile aimed at him by Peggy, asked Matt if the doctor was with Leya.
I don't know why but I'm picturing your story as a complete skeleton. Everything's there and in place, it just needs some fleshing out and colour added.
Regards
Michael D
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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I've read quite a few chapters of this story and enjoyed them on the whole. However, some of the writing feels disjointed, or maybe too clinical. Take the following line for example. 'Peggy smiled at Steven, as he walked up to Matt and asked, "Is the doctor with Leya?"'
As a suggestion, you could try something like this. Steven walked into the waiting room and ignored the smile given to him by Peggy. Instead he focused his attention on Matt. "Is the doctor with Leya?"
or
Steven walked into the waiting room and, ignoring the smile aimed at him by Peggy, asked Matt if the doctor was with Leya.
I don't know why but I'm picturing your story as a complete skeleton. Everything's there and in place, it just needs some fleshing out and colour added.
Regards
Michael D
Comment Written 14-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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As a suggestion, you could try something like this. Steven walked into the waiting room and ignored the smile given to him by Peggy. Instead he focused his attention on Matt. "Is the doctor with Leya?"
Your suggestion I can't do because we are in Matt's POV. If I followed your suggestion, I would be in POV violation.
I am sorry you don't like my posts. It is a romance and everything that happens, happens to move the romance along. Maybe you don't like romances. Thank you for your review.
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Hi Barbara
I usually don't reply to replies but I feel I must on this occasion. I went back and re-read the section in question and I can understand how you think we're still in Matt's POV, as we were in the previous paragraph. However, the next paragraph starts with --'Peggy smiled at Steven.'â??most definitely Peggy's POV here; with the rest of the sentence not following on from this. If you feel that we were still in Matt's POV then Steven's question about the doctor should either be a new paragraph or, as an example, something along the lines of
'Matt watched Steven ignore the smile offered by Peggy, and when asked by him about the doctor replied that he was with Leya at that very moment.
"Great," said Steven. â?¦.etc
I have not said anywhere that I've not enjoyed your posts, quite the opposite in fact. What I hope I'm doing is showing areas where I feel you need some pointers. Admittedly this is only my opinion, and others might not agree, but please be assured that it is offered in the right spirit.
Regards
Michael D
Comment from empire76
A lot of things happening here. And Matt's suspicions about Peggy bring up a new dimension to the story. Nicely done.
I'm missing some emotion and detail (yeah, I know I often make this comment. LOL). This is glaring in the scene where Leya wakes up for a few seconds. I'd like to picture it; how her eyes fluttered open, unfocused for a few seconds before recognising Steve. How did her voice sound? Groggy, maybe? How did it make Steven feel? Those are the kind of details I'd have liked to see in the chapter
other things:
-"No. I'm just surprised some one
Someone should be one word
- "Maybe because I don't want him to dislike me just because of who[m] I am.
Should be who rather than whom
- ..and since he's in the Army, he may have a conflict with that
I'm sorry, I don't get this (just curious - what does her being Mestiza have to do with the army?)
- As much as I love Dani, and Dani is absolutely gorgeous, I can't ignore Leya's beauty. Her beauty is more mysterious than Dani's.
This felt odd. While all women cannot be equally beautiful you need to word this so that it doesn't sound like 'Dani is beautiful, but..." Perhaps describe it as different. (just my thoughts)
- "I think Matt's already told you to mind your own business," [interrupted] Ralph.
Peggy completed her sentence so Ralph didn't really interrupt. Otherwise, you could end Peggy's dialogue with an em-dash to indicate she was about to add something.
- On my way to work, I pass that house and it's been abandoned for the past year."
I don't think this info should be shared with Joe. Matt has a hunch, so my suggestion is to let this be narration.
Matt found a private room and called Joe. "Find some way that only Peggy knows we're moving Leya to a safe house at 117 Maple Street Saturday around 1100 hours." On his way to work, he passed that house and it had been abandoned for the past year.
Another suggestion for the last line (as a separate line) is: 117 Maple Street had been abandoned for the past year.
cheers
Empi
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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A lot of things happening here. And Matt's suspicions about Peggy bring up a new dimension to the story. Nicely done.
I'm missing some emotion and detail (yeah, I know I often make this comment. LOL). This is glaring in the scene where Leya wakes up for a few seconds. I'd like to picture it; how her eyes fluttered open, unfocused for a few seconds before recognising Steve. How did her voice sound? Groggy, maybe? How did it make Steven feel? Those are the kind of details I'd have liked to see in the chapter
other things:
-"No. I'm just surprised some one
Someone should be one word
- "Maybe because I don't want him to dislike me just because of who[m] I am.
Should be who rather than whom
- ..and since he's in the Army, he may have a conflict with that
I'm sorry, I don't get this (just curious - what does her being Mestiza have to do with the army?)
- As much as I love Dani, and Dani is absolutely gorgeous, I can't ignore Leya's beauty. Her beauty is more mysterious than Dani's.
This felt odd. While all women cannot be equally beautiful you need to word this so that it doesn't sound like 'Dani is beautiful, but..." Perhaps describe it as different. (just my thoughts)
- "I think Matt's already told you to mind your own business," [interrupted] Ralph.
Peggy completed her sentence so Ralph didn't really interrupt. Otherwise, you could end Peggy's dialogue with an em-dash to indicate she was about to add something.
- On my way to work, I pass that house and it's been abandoned for the past year."
I don't think this info should be shared with Joe. Matt has a hunch, so my suggestion is to let this be narration.
Matt found a private room and called Joe. "Find some way that only Peggy knows we're moving Leya to a safe house at 117 Maple Street Saturday around 1100 hours." On his way to work, he passed that house and it had been abandoned for the past year.
Another suggestion for the last line (as a separate line) is: 117 Maple Street had been abandoned for the past year.
cheers
Empi
Comment Written 14-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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You are correct about the whom, but it is in dialoge and dialogue doesn't have to be written in correct grammar because people rarely speak correctly, especially Americans. Thank you for your review. I will consider the suggestions.
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You're are right and since it's in dialogue it's really your call to change or leave it.
It's just that the use of 'whom' is less common and so people are more likely to use who in place whom rather than the other way around.
Comment from RebelRose
Tghings are moving right along now with Steven and Leya. He has finally admitted to someone that he is in love with Leya. It won't be long now. He is lucky to have a friend like Matt who will back him up on his decision. I think Matt is starting to suspect that bitter old Peggy.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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Tghings are moving right along now with Steven and Leya. He has finally admitted to someone that he is in love with Leya. It won't be long now. He is lucky to have a friend like Matt who will back him up on his decision. I think Matt is starting to suspect that bitter old Peggy.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2010
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Matt is very wise. He was the hero in my first novel and Steven took a back seat. Thank you for your review.
