Double Trouble
Su Lin is a hired killer.60 total reviews
Comment from NightWriter
Bravo! "Double Trouble" is an extremely well written story and strong entry into the contest. It is captivating pulling readers in, and then the suspense is so thick. The fight scene is one of the best I've ever read. Superb visuals, believable dialogue, and riveting. Clearly, writing at its very best. Wow. This is good.
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Bravo! "Double Trouble" is an extremely well written story and strong entry into the contest. It is captivating pulling readers in, and then the suspense is so thick. The fight scene is one of the best I've ever read. Superb visuals, believable dialogue, and riveting. Clearly, writing at its very best. Wow. This is good.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, Nightwriter. Your opinion is very encoouraging to say the least. Thank you for taking the time..Bob
Comment from Ronni
Wow Bob, what a gut wrenching thriller you put us
through on this one! What a subtle suspense you
captured in Su Lin's vengeful yearnings,implacable
anger and arrogance, from childhood to adulthood.
The fight assasination scenes between Su Lin and
Max, enraged counterattacks; and Su Lin's brief
vengeful pleasure even in the reality she had sllain
her own father; left ones senses reeling . What an
incredible and bizarred ending. Awesome write Bob!
(Sorry have been gone a few days, so am a little
late in getting this reviewed.) Take care!
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2009
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Wow Bob, what a gut wrenching thriller you put us
through on this one! What a subtle suspense you
captured in Su Lin's vengeful yearnings,implacable
anger and arrogance, from childhood to adulthood.
The fight assasination scenes between Su Lin and
Max, enraged counterattacks; and Su Lin's brief
vengeful pleasure even in the reality she had sllain
her own father; left ones senses reeling . What an
incredible and bizarred ending. Awesome write Bob!
(Sorry have been gone a few days, so am a little
late in getting this reviewed.) Take care!
Comment Written 20-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2009
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Hi, Ronni...I, too have been away...Went to Virginia to a family reunion...Good to see my Sis and brothers again. We do it once a year, differnt place each year. Anyway, thanks for catching up with me and this one...I do appreciate it, you know that, I hope...XX Take care, Bob
Comment from Solrac
What I really like about your style is the way you use most aspect of Sue Lin appearance (clothing, hair, body, personal possesions) to build characterization and intrigue to the reader.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2009
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What I really like about your style is the way you use most aspect of Sue Lin appearance (clothing, hair, body, personal possesions) to build characterization and intrigue to the reader.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2009
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Well, thank you so much, Solrac. I do appreciate hearing from you...Bob
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
Wow.
What a great story.
No wonder it was recognized as "all time best"
It was exciting, and suspenseful.
What a great ending.
And the character fit the chosen image so well.
And Su Lin is a strong character.
I enjoyed it.
Good luck with the contest.
Kathryn
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2009
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Wow.
What a great story.
No wonder it was recognized as "all time best"
It was exciting, and suspenseful.
What a great ending.
And the character fit the chosen image so well.
And Su Lin is a strong character.
I enjoyed it.
Good luck with the contest.
Kathryn
Comment Written 17-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2009
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Thanks so much, Kathryn. I am pleased that you took the time to read my work...Bob
Comment from steevo
Good stuff, and I hope it's the first chapyer of what could be a gripping novel.
I do have a few comments:
You give a lot of background on Su Lin, but hold back the fact that her father is not Asian. You might want to make a passing reference to set up for the reveal at the end.
Su Lin is, as stated, fairly well-off, so I'm not sure why she doesn't have air conditioning.
I'm not sure if this moves the story along, particulary as it is not attributed (unless, of course it is Su Lin's internal dialogue:
"None of us know, when we open our eyes in the morning,
whether we will have the chance to close them at day's end to sleep or have them shut forever."
Also. you make the point that Su Lin is her own boss, so the reader needs to kow why she is out so late.
I found the combat sequence to be authentic, and her use of a .45 interesting. It's a modern cliche that everyone these days carries a 9mm--the .45 ACP has nore recoil, so you may want to mention why she carries a .45.
In all, you have a great character and a real mystery to solve. More!
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2009
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Good stuff, and I hope it's the first chapyer of what could be a gripping novel.
I do have a few comments:
You give a lot of background on Su Lin, but hold back the fact that her father is not Asian. You might want to make a passing reference to set up for the reveal at the end.
Su Lin is, as stated, fairly well-off, so I'm not sure why she doesn't have air conditioning.
I'm not sure if this moves the story along, particulary as it is not attributed (unless, of course it is Su Lin's internal dialogue:
"None of us know, when we open our eyes in the morning,
whether we will have the chance to close them at day's end to sleep or have them shut forever."
Also. you make the point that Su Lin is her own boss, so the reader needs to kow why she is out so late.
I found the combat sequence to be authentic, and her use of a .45 interesting. It's a modern cliche that everyone these days carries a 9mm--the .45 ACP has nore recoil, so you may want to mention why she carries a .45.
In all, you have a great character and a real mystery to solve. More!
Comment Written 17-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2009
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Hi, Steevo..I don't believe the father has to be Asian...as the mother is noted as Asian. I didn't want to tip my hand too much. As for her hours and self-employment...LOL...Fortunetelling business is usually done late at night, I think...Oh well...Thanks for mtaking the time and I will consider your comments in any event...Bob
Comment from cherry_rose
I was searching for some of the strong character stories depicting the woman in the picture, and I'm glad I found this one. The plot was tight and included all of the elements necessary in a good story. I had a strong feeling that Max was Su's father from the moment he was introduced. I wasn't disappointed. You ended it on just the right note of suspense. I think this is going to be a strong entry in the contest. good luck, cherry_
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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I was searching for some of the strong character stories depicting the woman in the picture, and I'm glad I found this one. The plot was tight and included all of the elements necessary in a good story. I had a strong feeling that Max was Su's father from the moment he was introduced. I wasn't disappointed. You ended it on just the right note of suspense. I think this is going to be a strong entry in the contest. good luck, cherry_
Comment Written 17-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Well, thank you, Cherry. I appreciate you taking the time to review my story..I was worried about my ending so you have enlightened me so much...Bob (Mastery)(I will be watching for your work, too)
Comment from perunest
This was a good story, but in my opinion,
you didn't need the first three paragraphs.
The backstory and telling the reader about Su Lin
didn't add much. So much more was revealed in
the rest of the story. The first sentence in the fourth paragraph would be a good place to start - it brings
the reader right into the story. Good luck in the contest!
Carolyn
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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This was a good story, but in my opinion,
you didn't need the first three paragraphs.
The backstory and telling the reader about Su Lin
didn't add much. So much more was revealed in
the rest of the story. The first sentence in the fourth paragraph would be a good place to start - it brings
the reader right into the story. Good luck in the contest!
Carolyn
Comment Written 17-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Thank you for your comments and review, purenest...Bob
Comment from Reesha
Nice. I think you did a good job with this one.
At first I thought the characters were kind of boring and tedious but then I tried to stop reading and realized I was hooked.
Nice job on that.
I found this to be an easy read, entertaining, and self-contained except for the last line, which was brilliant.
Thanks for sharing. I think this piece could definitely be turned into a longer story if you wanted, but probably not a full fledged novel. The whole thing is centered around the character Su Lin which is what the contest asked for. You fulfilled that, and I'm glad I have her character strongly in my mind, but without all the intrigue and muddied mess of a long, complicated plot. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Nice. I think you did a good job with this one.
At first I thought the characters were kind of boring and tedious but then I tried to stop reading and realized I was hooked.
Nice job on that.
I found this to be an easy read, entertaining, and self-contained except for the last line, which was brilliant.
Thanks for sharing. I think this piece could definitely be turned into a longer story if you wanted, but probably not a full fledged novel. The whole thing is centered around the character Su Lin which is what the contest asked for. You fulfilled that, and I'm glad I have her character strongly in my mind, but without all the intrigue and muddied mess of a long, complicated plot. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Thans so much, Reesha...I am very appreciative of your review....Bob
Comment from pughwee
Your brilliant final sentence in this should cause me to rise from the lazyboy and accomplish something meaningful today. Maybe later.
The story is quick, powerful, and entertaining. Your imagery is spot on, as usual, and your descriptions perfect. I like the music you chose for the mood, and the fullness of the characters. This is probably the third I have read in this contest, and the various takes on Mino's painting are fascinating. Notice I steered away from your poetry, feeling too inept to review. Glad you posted a story for a change. Best of luck with it in the contest;-)
The following are a few things I noticed that you may want to look over. Linda's List:
Working as a fortuneteller and medium,(comma not needed) in her shop downtown, Su Lin was her own boss, capable of moving any way she desired at any hour of the day or night.
Having a good sense of humor, she could be funny, and then turn serious on a dime, stroke egos and still get her message across,(comma not needed) without overtly pushing issues.
LOVE this imagery--It was hot and sticky, and Su Lin's red and gold Hilfiger t-shirt stuck to her body like wet Kleenex.
She heard the buzzing of bees, attracted by the trilliums and H(h)ydrangeas growing at the end of the yard.--I don't really like the capitalizations in 'Weed-Eater' either. Do they have to be there?
She'd dry out, and by order of the court attend AA meetings for a few weeks(,) and then make love to the scotch bottle for another three or four months before trying rehab again.
Best not to worry about ever seeing him,(comma not needed) again."
Casual observers and friends alike,(comma not needed) naturally assumed that Su inherited wealth from her mother's will.
"Says who, Gary?"(extra") Sounds like the bullshit machine is working overtime again."
Max had been a wild one, who liked it all: money, women, gambling, cocaine and reefer and Saturday night fights in the gravel parking lots outside country road-houses.(roadhouses)
Learning that the majority of murderers and other felons were usually uneducated or scared, or simply drugged-out punks or drunks terrified of their own shadows when off the needle or bottle, but so brave when they were high.--Not only does this ramble, it seems pointless. If Max 'learned' from this, how he operated must also be included, which will make it even harder to read. Perhaps just drop the word 'Learning' and start with 'The'.
His shoulders were somewhat rounded and therefore he('making him appear' or 'causing him to appear' instead) appeared as though he was constantly leaning forward.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Your brilliant final sentence in this should cause me to rise from the lazyboy and accomplish something meaningful today. Maybe later.
The story is quick, powerful, and entertaining. Your imagery is spot on, as usual, and your descriptions perfect. I like the music you chose for the mood, and the fullness of the characters. This is probably the third I have read in this contest, and the various takes on Mino's painting are fascinating. Notice I steered away from your poetry, feeling too inept to review. Glad you posted a story for a change. Best of luck with it in the contest;-)
The following are a few things I noticed that you may want to look over. Linda's List:
Working as a fortuneteller and medium,(comma not needed) in her shop downtown, Su Lin was her own boss, capable of moving any way she desired at any hour of the day or night.
Having a good sense of humor, she could be funny, and then turn serious on a dime, stroke egos and still get her message across,(comma not needed) without overtly pushing issues.
LOVE this imagery--It was hot and sticky, and Su Lin's red and gold Hilfiger t-shirt stuck to her body like wet Kleenex.
She heard the buzzing of bees, attracted by the trilliums and H(h)ydrangeas growing at the end of the yard.--I don't really like the capitalizations in 'Weed-Eater' either. Do they have to be there?
She'd dry out, and by order of the court attend AA meetings for a few weeks(,) and then make love to the scotch bottle for another three or four months before trying rehab again.
Best not to worry about ever seeing him,(comma not needed) again."
Casual observers and friends alike,(comma not needed) naturally assumed that Su inherited wealth from her mother's will.
"Says who, Gary?"(extra") Sounds like the bullshit machine is working overtime again."
Max had been a wild one, who liked it all: money, women, gambling, cocaine and reefer and Saturday night fights in the gravel parking lots outside country road-houses.(roadhouses)
Learning that the majority of murderers and other felons were usually uneducated or scared, or simply drugged-out punks or drunks terrified of their own shadows when off the needle or bottle, but so brave when they were high.--Not only does this ramble, it seems pointless. If Max 'learned' from this, how he operated must also be included, which will make it even harder to read. Perhaps just drop the word 'Learning' and start with 'The'.
His shoulders were somewhat rounded and therefore he('making him appear' or 'causing him to appear' instead) appeared as though he was constantly leaning forward.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Hi, pughwee. I appreciate your review aand help as usual....Take care, Bob.
Comment from AnnieBogart
Adrenaline rush of a story. Finally, I got to see someone else'd take on that picture...
Some nits:
Hydrangeas....small "H"...
She ultimately killed herself with Johnnie Walker red before she turned forty. ...Not that I am an expert on anything, but maybe eliminate the double "she"...by saying "before turning forty"
distrust of men and the human race in general was passed on to Su Lin: (I think a period should go after Su Lin, but I could be wrong)
"Says who, Gary?" Sounds like the bullshit machine is working overtime again." ...get rid of that quote after Gary.
Good luck!
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Adrenaline rush of a story. Finally, I got to see someone else'd take on that picture...
Some nits:
Hydrangeas....small "H"...
She ultimately killed herself with Johnnie Walker red before she turned forty. ...Not that I am an expert on anything, but maybe eliminate the double "she"...by saying "before turning forty"
distrust of men and the human race in general was passed on to Su Lin: (I think a period should go after Su Lin, but I could be wrong)
"Says who, Gary?" Sounds like the bullshit machine is working overtime again." ...get rid of that quote after Gary.
Good luck!
Comment Written 17-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2009
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Thank you, Annie..I am so glad to hear from you. I do appreciate the tips onmy boo boos and your comments...I will be watching for your work as well....Bob (Mastery)
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My entry pales in comparison to yours...just making sure they don't squash you on the nits!