CSP: A Collection of Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 109 "Cloud of Sand"A collection of poetry
24 total reviews
Comment from Firefly54
Well, you've certainly complied with all those rules, which seemed to me to be the hardest problem! The alliteration is effective without seeming forced. Good luck, Elaine
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009
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Well, you've certainly complied with all those rules, which seemed to me to be the hardest problem! The alliteration is effective without seeming forced. Good luck, Elaine
Comment Written 08-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009
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Yes! Lots of rules, for sure. But, it sure guides us all to try to do well. Thank you for your compliment about the alliteration not seeming forced. I needed that! ....and for your very kind review. With regards, Sue
Comment from wierdgrace
again as I read all the entrys in this contest I see how many of you knew how to do this contest, great writing, and each word showed the purpose. thank you for sharing, and found no errors.
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009
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again as I read all the entrys in this contest I see how many of you knew how to do this contest, great writing, and each word showed the purpose. thank you for sharing, and found no errors.
Comment Written 08-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009
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Grace, thank you very much for your very kind review. Yes, a lot of excellent haiku in the contest. Stiff competition! Ha! Sue
Comment from Curt Mongold
You have good alliteration in this piece. Kigo is very good, juxtaposition is absent, but I suppose that is one of the rules that is not in the contest. I do like the premise and message of this work all the same. Makes me thirsty to read it!
Sincerely,
Curt
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009
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You have good alliteration in this piece. Kigo is very good, juxtaposition is absent, but I suppose that is one of the rules that is not in the contest. I do like the premise and message of this work all the same. Makes me thirsty to read it!
Sincerely,
Curt
Comment Written 08-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009
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My juxtaposition is absent?!! It must've got kidnapped!! I'm going to go look for it. Hell, I don't know, Curt. This haiku business is making me insane. As much as I love it, I always seem to miss an element! ARGHH! Will re-visit it. Thanks much for your review. :-)) Sue
Comment from Judian James
This particular contest has several requirements and when I first took a look before reading one of the other entries I thought they might impede but instead, they have guided entrants to produce some really strong pieces. This is excellent Sue, really excellent. The alliteration with the first line is wonderful
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009
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This particular contest has several requirements and when I first took a look before reading one of the other entries I thought they might impede but instead, they have guided entrants to produce some really strong pieces. This is excellent Sue, really excellent. The alliteration with the first line is wonderful
Comment Written 08-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009
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Jude, you are so right! I know that those strict rules helped guide me, also. Thank you for your compliments! Much appreciated, Sue
Comment from Domino
Morning Sue and thanks for entering. All rules in place and a very original and vivid haiku. Clever second line can be either read seperately OR, as contest specifies, a continuation of the first.
Good luck and best wishes, Ray xx
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009
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Morning Sue and thanks for entering. All rules in place and a very original and vivid haiku. Clever second line can be either read seperately OR, as contest specifies, a continuation of the first.
Good luck and best wishes, Ray xx
Comment Written 08-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009
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Ray, that's so cool you noticed how those two lines could be read that way! You're the first to notice, you clever chap!! (I love to talk Brit to you) - Ha! Thanks for your very kind review and compliments! :-)) Sue
Comment from kristikim
Hi sixteezkid...
This is very good, and, living in AZ, I certainly know what duststorms are... ominous, indeed.
You met the requirements, and came up with a delightful, well structured haiku, with good imagery, as required.
Good luck in the contest!
kristikim
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009
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Hi sixteezkid...
This is very good, and, living in AZ, I certainly know what duststorms are... ominous, indeed.
You met the requirements, and came up with a delightful, well structured haiku, with good imagery, as required.
Good luck in the contest!
kristikim
Comment Written 08-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2009
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I moved from Scottsdale just over a year ago (miss it terribly). Loved when the monsoon's would come. Roiling dust clouds! Tons of rain! Yes...I miss it so much. Thank you very much for your very kind review and comments. :-)) Sue
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LOVE the rain, HATE the dust storms!!!
I wish I were back in Seattle, or Maine... or, just about anywhere, exept Detroit, I guess!
Take care,
kristikim
Comment from AlvinTEthington
Although this works, the tendency in haiku is to move away from gerunds and write them in the present indicative, as haiku are supposed to capture a moment in time. So many haikuists would say "shift" instead of "shifting." It's something to consider. You do have two interconnected lines of concrete imagery, a break after the second line, and a satori in the third line. The form is perfect.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2009
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Although this works, the tendency in haiku is to move away from gerunds and write them in the present indicative, as haiku are supposed to capture a moment in time. So many haikuists would say "shift" instead of "shifting." It's something to consider. You do have two interconnected lines of concrete imagery, a break after the second line, and a satori in the third line. The form is perfect.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2009
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I see what you mean. I've read volumes on haiku on the internet. Seems there is no consensus. They all practically come to blows over these details! HA!
If one is witnessing the sands shifting, then is that a moment or not?? Or if wind is blow(ing) leaves in a tree.....Hmmm.....Going to revisit my piece and see how it could be changed. Thank you very much for that lesson!
Thank you very much for your most kind review and comments.
Regards,
Sue
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The standard work on haiku in English is Jane Reichhold's "Writing and Enjoying Haiku." She, Deborah P. Kolodji, and I have been honored in Japan for work on haiku. Much of what is posted on the Internet is rubbish. Large sections of Jane's book are online. I suggest you start there.
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Oh, this is great! Thank you so much for sharing that information. I really love haiku and want to keep working. Excellent that your work as been so highly recognized. I'm getting all the great lessons from the horse's mouth.
Again, thank you very much!
Sue
Comment from jshep
I do believe, Sue, that you nailed the object of haiku perfectly. Your two lines describe and the third brings them both together. Excellent job and should do well in the contest. Joyce
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2009
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I do believe, Sue, that you nailed the object of haiku perfectly. Your two lines describe and the third brings them both together. Excellent job and should do well in the contest. Joyce
Comment Written 07-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2009
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Joyce, this is a great review and I thank you for it! With regards, Sue
Comment from RColleen
Mucho better! Hope this five-star carries over. I am constantly amazed at how one little change seems to open up a piece of work!
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2009
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Mucho better! Hope this five-star carries over. I am constantly amazed at how one little change seems to open up a piece of work!
Comment Written 07-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2009
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Yikes! I'm outta here. gotta run to fix it! Thanks SO MUCH!
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WHEW! I'm back. Made a sprint over to the edit room. I'm out of breath! LOL! You cracked me up when you said you tried so hard to make "dunes" 2 syllables. Laughing all over myself here!! Have another visit and be honest. Does it sound forced in that first line? Thanks, Sue
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Yes! Driest does the trick. I think "driest" adds an element that may seem obvious when speaking of the desert but because of the rest of your piece, I get a picture of the sands, well, coming to life - kinda like the dry bones in the book of Ezekiel. I like it!
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May I be SO BOLD and ask if that means you meant to change your rating? Yikes! That is so bold of me!
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Yes - I would. But I'm not sure how. Do I simply rate it again????
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Ha! Yeah. Thanks so much! I only learned that recently myself.
Comment from Jean Lutz
One can almost see nature's sculpture in your written words, with a storm to wipe it out again. Almost like the waves of the sea breaking on a beach. The sage green color is very good.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2009
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One can almost see nature's sculpture in your written words, with a storm to wipe it out again. Almost like the waves of the sea breaking on a beach. The sage green color is very good.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2009
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2009
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Jean, thank you so much for your very fine review. And for your lovely comments! With regards, Sue