Stalker
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Tom Harris"Jim and Lenny are hired to find a stalker
23 total reviews
Comment from Jonez08
Gayle excellent chapter. I love how you roll out each character carefully. Good job. The details are incredible (as usual)
The lights of the city spread before them, twinkling in the silky darkness (oh I just love this sentence-silky darkness-wow)
I look forward to the next chapter
Cassandra
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Gayle excellent chapter. I love how you roll out each character carefully. Good job. The details are incredible (as usual)
The lights of the city spread before them, twinkling in the silky darkness (oh I just love this sentence-silky darkness-wow)
I look forward to the next chapter
Cassandra
Comment Written 16-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Hey Cassandra,
So good to see you again and thanks so much for the wonderful review. I always appreciate your wonderful comments.
Best,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Gayle, the way I circumvent Evil Editing Eddie most of the time is to do all of my writing on microsoft word then paste it onto the fanstory piece after saying I want to use the advanced editor. Most of the time it works. I really liked this chapter, too. Keep it up.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Gayle, the way I circumvent Evil Editing Eddie most of the time is to do all of my writing on microsoft word then paste it onto the fanstory piece after saying I want to use the advanced editor. Most of the time it works. I really liked this chapter, too. Keep it up.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Hey Jan,
I do that, too, always use word. Once, really weird, right after that tsunami, I wrote this wonderful poem, just got the urge and did it right on the site. I went to post it and it disappeared into cyperspace. I cried. Truly.
Thanks so much for the R&R and your friendship,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from ledford
Great chapter!
I have a few suggestions:
"She continued with the routine, heel, sit, and down on command." ... I recommend "She continued with the routine: heel, sit, and down on command."
shaking his head.
"I know this is paranoid, but I'll be so far away and you're here alone. It would make me feel a lot better." ... Since this is still Andy (and not a new POV), I recommend keeping it with the previous paragraph
"I can't believe after the attack that I'd ever feel this way about" ... A little awkward. I recommend "After the attack I thought I'd never feel this way..."
"He'd followed the fence down to the corner {,} where it turned"
"Somehow, she got away again. Again." ... I recommend "Somehow, she'd gotten away again.
Keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Great chapter!
I have a few suggestions:
"She continued with the routine, heel, sit, and down on command." ... I recommend "She continued with the routine: heel, sit, and down on command."
shaking his head.
"I know this is paranoid, but I'll be so far away and you're here alone. It would make me feel a lot better." ... Since this is still Andy (and not a new POV), I recommend keeping it with the previous paragraph
"I can't believe after the attack that I'd ever feel this way about" ... A little awkward. I recommend "After the attack I thought I'd never feel this way..."
"He'd followed the fence down to the corner {,} where it turned"
"Somehow, she got away again. Again." ... I recommend "Somehow, she'd gotten away again.
Keep up the good work!
Comment Written 15-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Hi Ledford,
So good to see you again. Whoa, some really good suggestions here. Let me see what I can do about them.
I really appreciate the time and effort on the comments and thank you again,
Gayle
Comment from butterflykiss
I even love Sadie. Their place sound like it would be a place that I would love to tramp over. I hope you paid the hired hands enough to keep the fence fixed so Tom can't get in that way.
This story is getting good.
Butterflykiss
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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I even love Sadie. Their place sound like it would be a place that I would love to tramp over. I hope you paid the hired hands enough to keep the fence fixed so Tom can't get in that way.
This story is getting good.
Butterflykiss
Comment Written 15-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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LOL! Hi Jane,
Yes, it sounds like a super place to live. I'd sure enjoy it!
Thank you for the wonderful comments and your support. It is appreciated.
Hugs,
Gayle
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Hello,
You're welcome, found out that the fench holds. That's great.
Butterflykiss
Comment from medisec
Again, this chapter moved along at a good pace; the dialogue allowing us to get insight into your characters. I have made note of a few suggestions for edits, which I hope you find useful.
Well done.
Suggestions:
and as yet(,) inexperienced
experience(,) she more than
a hug(,) then turned
I'd delete the repetition about their arms: They walked to the edge of the veranda... (and leave the 'Arms entwined'...)
fence and the barns(,) ran a long grassy pasture(,) separated into six paddocks (move the comma)
Above him(,) he
foot fence(,) and realized
outward(,) made climbing
Rae
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Again, this chapter moved along at a good pace; the dialogue allowing us to get insight into your characters. I have made note of a few suggestions for edits, which I hope you find useful.
Well done.
Suggestions:
and as yet(,) inexperienced
experience(,) she more than
a hug(,) then turned
I'd delete the repetition about their arms: They walked to the edge of the veranda... (and leave the 'Arms entwined'...)
fence and the barns(,) ran a long grassy pasture(,) separated into six paddocks (move the comma)
Above him(,) he
foot fence(,) and realized
outward(,) made climbing
Rae
Comment Written 15-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Hey Rae,
Thanks for the great review and your edit suggestions. Let me check'em out and make adjustments.
I really appreciate the time you took and want you to know that!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from RenieReader
Gayle: You're on a roll. Another excellent chapter drawing us in to a loving family* who is being stalked by a whacko. Tom Harris is a vivid character and his inner dialogue is perfect to show us his loose wires. Kudos and brava!
*Just a side note: Why do we always assume that someone with money isn't faithful to their spouse and selfish?
She'd [became==>become] part of the family in no time,
Renie
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Gayle: You're on a roll. Another excellent chapter drawing us in to a loving family* who is being stalked by a whacko. Tom Harris is a vivid character and his inner dialogue is perfect to show us his loose wires. Kudos and brava!
*Just a side note: Why do we always assume that someone with money isn't faithful to their spouse and selfish?
She'd [became==>become] part of the family in no time,
Renie
Comment Written 15-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Hey Renie,
It's strange, isn't it? I think because Hollyweird portrays the wealthy as either freaks or movie stars. They're just like everyone else without money woes.
'Course, that's a big difference, but still.
Thanks so much for the R&R and for the catch. I got it!
Love and hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
The book just gets better and better, Gayle. As I said before, this reads like a damn fine horror novel, somewhat reminiscent of J. Gonzales, one of my favorite, albeit obscure, horror scribes. Great work.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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The book just gets better and better, Gayle. As I said before, this reads like a damn fine horror novel, somewhat reminiscent of J. Gonzales, one of my favorite, albeit obscure, horror scribes. Great work.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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I take that as high praise from you, Johnny and really appreciate the comments. What I like to do is see just how scary I can make things without a drop of blood spilled...not easy, as you know.
Thanks for the support and encouraging comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Korton
Another interesting and enjoyable chapter. It seems that thie Tom is a persistend cuss, but he will definitely be surprised by Sadie. Very well done.
(She'd became) part of the family in [Mixed tenses here, either she became, or she'd become]
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Another interesting and enjoyable chapter. It seems that thie Tom is a persistend cuss, but he will definitely be surprised by Sadie. Very well done.
(She'd became) part of the family in [Mixed tenses here, either she became, or she'd become]
Comment Written 15-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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YIKES! I'll get that, Frank. Yep, I'd made a change and not completed it. Thanks for the eagle eye.
Yes, I think they're all going to be surprised with Sadie...reminds me of some lyrics..you're not so much green as you are young..something like that. We'll just have to wait and see.
Thanks for the comments and for your edit.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from c_lucas
Very well written chapter. The stalker is nearby, yet far away. If there is a will then there is a way. Very interesting plot with good imagery and very good descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Very well written chapter. The stalker is nearby, yet far away. If there is a will then there is a way. Very interesting plot with good imagery and very good descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Hey Charlie,
Thanks so much for the R&R and your fine comments. This is getting to be fun, huh? My characters are beginning to take hold and it's as thrilling for me as for the reader. Especially Tom..he's coming into his own right before my eyes!
I can't wait!
Hugs,
Gayle
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You're welcome, Gayle. Charlie
Comment from Aussie
An interesting tale in progress. You are able to create a scene like a hot day melting ice. I like what you have written so far. I would like to see it 'spiced up' a bit, a little droll in places. Good work.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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An interesting tale in progress. You are able to create a scene like a hot day melting ice. I like what you have written so far. I would like to see it 'spiced up' a bit, a little droll in places. Good work.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Hey Aussie,
What a cute review. Thank you so much for your input and comments. I'm not sure what you mean by spiced up but I hope it works for you.
Thanks again,
Gayle