Fun
noir-inspired28 total reviews
Comment from Wy Jung
Good writing, but a little grisly for me. Being a mother I tried to read through all of it without letting it into my "dream bank" thoughts. !
Though I'm pretty hard core about a lot of things, this was just a little difficult to get through especially with the word "you" being used to describe the victim. 5 stars nonetheless for good writing skill.
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Good writing, but a little grisly for me. Being a mother I tried to read through all of it without letting it into my "dream bank" thoughts. !
Though I'm pretty hard core about a lot of things, this was just a little difficult to get through especially with the word "you" being used to describe the victim. 5 stars nonetheless for good writing skill.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2023
Comment from prettybluebirds
Wow! I generally don't care for stories of this nature, but this is so well-executed that it kept me on the edge of my chair until the end. I would like to see this story continued in the future. It would make a great novel.
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Wow! I generally don't care for stories of this nature, but this is so well-executed that it kept me on the edge of my chair until the end. I would like to see this story continued in the future. It would make a great novel.
Comment Written 20-Dec-2023
Comment from Ulla
Wow, Jim this is dark isn't it? Well, we were warned, but it was still a surprise to me. The revenge seems a bit out of proportion. It's very well written, though. All best, Ulla:)))
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Wow, Jim this is dark isn't it? Well, we were warned, but it was still a surprise to me. The revenge seems a bit out of proportion. It's very well written, though. All best, Ulla:)))
Comment Written 20-Dec-2023
Comment from Tetamarina66
Wow as I read this I can visualize the scene on my head as if I were watching from a Hitchcock movie. Well written piece of writing
You got a good imagination
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Wow as I read this I can visualize the scene on my head as if I were watching from a Hitchcock movie. Well written piece of writing
You got a good imagination
Comment Written 20-Dec-2023
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is good. The story hangs together with everything making sense, although the altered brakes could be a lie or maybe not. I'm not sure how he expects to get out of the house and escape, but maybe he knows he won't. Is she saying what he wants her to say, or does she say it to save her son and herself. You leave some interesting questions. One correction:
. . . herringbone (tweed) hat . . .
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This is good. The story hangs together with everything making sense, although the altered brakes could be a lie or maybe not. I'm not sure how he expects to get out of the house and escape, but maybe he knows he won't. Is she saying what he wants her to say, or does she say it to save her son and herself. You leave some interesting questions. One correction:
. . . herringbone (tweed) hat . . .
Comment Written 20-Dec-2023
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Oh Goodness, this is really noir isn't it, Jim? A chilling account of someone hell-bent on revenge which is, somewhat, disproportionate to the original 'crime.' What an evil individual! There was a small edit The(n) he picked up the coffee cup.. I think there might have been something else but I was too engrossed to make a note and now I can't find it:( I think you've done a great job on this genre (a departure for you, isn't it, Jim?). Thanks for sharing and Merry Christmas! Debbie
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2023
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Oh Goodness, this is really noir isn't it, Jim? A chilling account of someone hell-bent on revenge which is, somewhat, disproportionate to the original 'crime.' What an evil individual! There was a small edit The(n) he picked up the coffee cup.. I think there might have been something else but I was too engrossed to make a note and now I can't find it:( I think you've done a great job on this genre (a departure for you, isn't it, Jim?). Thanks for sharing and Merry Christmas! Debbie
Comment Written 19-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2023
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Thank you! I don't think I'll try this again. I don't feel very comfortable with this kind of writing. I tried an experiment, but this will not be my norm.
Comment from LJbutterfly
Writers have been paid BIG money for sinister, horrifying, suspenseful stories, and screenplays. And, there is a welcoming audience. Both you and this imaginative story could join their ranks. This is a gripping tale with a twisted, surprise ending. All I can say is WOW! I didn't see the ending coming.
My teacher's eye caught the following little nits:
Next, he finishes the mashed potatoes in three big spoonfuls. (spoons full)
The he picks up the coffee cup and takes a sip. (Then he picks up)
We're gonna play "Jeopardy". (Period before quotation - Jeopardy.")
In "Jeopardy", I give the answer ( Comma first - Jeopardy,")
"Now, Emily, now it' my time to tell the truth! (now it's my time)
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2023
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Writers have been paid BIG money for sinister, horrifying, suspenseful stories, and screenplays. And, there is a welcoming audience. Both you and this imaginative story could join their ranks. This is a gripping tale with a twisted, surprise ending. All I can say is WOW! I didn't see the ending coming.
My teacher's eye caught the following little nits:
Next, he finishes the mashed potatoes in three big spoonfuls. (spoons full)
The he picks up the coffee cup and takes a sip. (Then he picks up)
We're gonna play "Jeopardy". (Period before quotation - Jeopardy.")
In "Jeopardy", I give the answer ( Comma first - Jeopardy,")
"Now, Emily, now it' my time to tell the truth! (now it's my time)
Comment Written 19-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2023
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Many thanks from the world's wort editor to one of the best!
Comment from Navada
Wow! This was so dark! The tension was unrelenting and I kept hoping for a reprieve right until the end. It was riveting. One little typo I noticed - "breaks" instead of brakes when discussing the car. Powerful writing - very cinematic!
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2023
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Wow! This was so dark! The tension was unrelenting and I kept hoping for a reprieve right until the end. It was riveting. One little typo I noticed - "breaks" instead of brakes when discussing the car. Powerful writing - very cinematic!
Comment Written 19-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2023
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I had watched some noir movies and tried to duplicate their nature, but I don't think I'll try writing like that any more. thank you for the editing suggestion!
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I think my Bad Moon Rising may be a one-off for the same reason.
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I appreciate your words, tour advice, and your understanding.
Comment from Thesis
An interesting story of revenge. Aldo took his revenge to the extreme. Burglary, holding hostages, murder, and assault were a bit overboard for what he said happened to him. Emily was a complex character. I was left not knowing if she was trying to kill her husband or just trying to survive by agreeing with Aldo. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2023
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An interesting story of revenge. Aldo took his revenge to the extreme. Burglary, holding hostages, murder, and assault were a bit overboard for what he said happened to him. Emily was a complex character. I was left not knowing if she was trying to kill her husband or just trying to survive by agreeing with Aldo. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2023
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That's what noir is about! People whose word can't be always trusted, ambiguity, resolutions that do not always conclude in a positive manner, etc.
Comment from Austin Yu
This is a strong piece of literature that will do very well in contests. You seem to have a good understanding of the dark sides of humanity, like how the woman was held at gunpoint in this story, which if executed correctly like you did in this wonderful story, it can be used for reasons other than pure bitterness.
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2023
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This is a strong piece of literature that will do very well in contests. You seem to have a good understanding of the dark sides of humanity, like how the woman was held at gunpoint in this story, which if executed correctly like you did in this wonderful story, it can be used for reasons other than pure bitterness.
Comment Written 19-Dec-2023
reply by the author on 19-Dec-2023
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I would never react like that in real life, but I based this on the many noir movies of the 1940s and 1950s.