Internet Affair
Two people met over the Internet.140 total reviews
Comment from midgev
Beautiful story Barbara. You capture the tension so well. I liked how you used her thoughts to show us the story rather than tell it. The use of the italics works well, I wouldn't have thought of using them, thank you for the lesson. Fine read, congratulations!
Have a peaceful day,
Midge
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
  |
Beautiful story Barbara. You capture the tension so well. I liked how you used her thoughts to show us the story rather than tell it. The use of the italics works well, I wouldn't have thought of using them, thank you for the lesson. Fine read, congratulations!
Have a peaceful day,
Midge
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review. Some reviewers couldn't figure out the italics. I am glad some one could.
Comment from laren
This is a great story, you describe in a wonderful way all the thoughts and wonderings of Laila, the story kept my attention from the begining, I thought this Jacob was the nickname of Mark. I'll be looking for the second part.
It's very well written!
Congratulations!
Laren
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
This is a great story, you describe in a wonderful way all the thoughts and wonderings of Laila, the story kept my attention from the begining, I thought this Jacob was the nickname of Mark. I'll be looking for the second part.
It's very well written!
Congratulations!
Laren
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
-
Thank you for sharing,
Laren
Comment from rama devi
Interesting idea and good hook at the end---now you've got the reader curious to see what he is like. The internal dialog is realistic and develops the character well, but it can be confusing as you keep switching styles of recording internal dialog. It opens with italics, later uses quotes and here, below, does not use either but switches suddenly from third person to first person-
A deep sigh escaped her lips as she recalled the painful memories of Mark, her college sweetheart. We were going to get married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda. Bastard
It is important to be consistent. i recommend using italics for all internal dialog. This is major issue and the reason for three star rating because I think this needs work. happy to upgrade if you choose one method and revise. Sorry, but i must be honest!
A few more minor suggestions-
*Nervously, she inspected her image again. "What if he thinks I'm ugly and wished he'd never met me? I can't lose him. I love him."
the word nervously is not required as the dialog already conveys this. Always best to show not tell. if you are showing, the telling is superfluous.
*"No matter what happens tonight, I'm coming back to this room, alone. (not sure you need this comma)
* You do a great job of showing her persistent insecurity. i am not sure, but it may be overdone. Maybe a tiny bit of trimming and pruning to avoid redundancy.
Look forward to reading next chapter. i hope you work out the internal dialog style so i can give a higher rating!
Warmly,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
 |
Interesting idea and good hook at the end---now you've got the reader curious to see what he is like. The internal dialog is realistic and develops the character well, but it can be confusing as you keep switching styles of recording internal dialog. It opens with italics, later uses quotes and here, below, does not use either but switches suddenly from third person to first person-
A deep sigh escaped her lips as she recalled the painful memories of Mark, her college sweetheart. We were going to get married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda. Bastard
It is important to be consistent. i recommend using italics for all internal dialog. This is major issue and the reason for three star rating because I think this needs work. happy to upgrade if you choose one method and revise. Sorry, but i must be honest!
A few more minor suggestions-
*Nervously, she inspected her image again. "What if he thinks I'm ugly and wished he'd never met me? I can't lose him. I love him."
the word nervously is not required as the dialog already conveys this. Always best to show not tell. if you are showing, the telling is superfluous.
*"No matter what happens tonight, I'm coming back to this room, alone. (not sure you need this comma)
* You do a great job of showing her persistent insecurity. i am not sure, but it may be overdone. Maybe a tiny bit of trimming and pruning to avoid redundancy.
Look forward to reading next chapter. i hope you work out the internal dialog style so i can give a higher rating!
Warmly,
rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
I had your first suggestion in italics then a reviewer told me it would be stronger if I took those off, so I did. AAAAUHG!!!!! I will change it again.
-
I think it's best if you decide on ONE STYLE for internal dialog and stick to it. Everyone has opinions on which way is best. It is fine with italics. it is fine with quotes. But it is not fine to mix and match theme in one book or chapter. Just pick what appeals to you and revise the chapter so ALL the internal dialog follows the same method.
Good luck!
hugs, rd
-
All of the internal dialogue was in italics and the external dialogue was in quotations. Now I had some issues with evil eddie at the end of the post and he put it all in italics, not sure why, but he did. I thought I had it cleaned up, but had doctors appointments today and haven't had a change to check it.
-
Just let me know when it is revised and I'll be happy to re-review. That Eddie is quite a rascal! Hugs, rd
-
Just let me know when it is revised and I'll be happy to re-review. That Eddie is quite a rascal! Hugs, rd
-
I have made the corrections. From the edit mode all looks good.
-
I;m a bit confused...I've went to check but it still looks like much of her internal dialog is in quotes. MAybe you did not save the changes yet? Or did you intend to have her talking aloud to herself? I do not think people speak aloud this much when no one is there to hear them. Will wait =for your reply (and may not respond until tomorrow because I was about to sign off)....Anyway, this section has quite a number of quotes where it would make a lot more sense in italics.---
"I have ten minutes until I need to leave this room."
She turned and stood before the closet's full-length mirror and inspected her reflection. Instinctively, she smoothed the front of the mid-thigh black dress. I wonder if this dress is right. I don't want to wear anything sexier. He might get the wrong idea.
"Pull yourself together. You have less than ten minutes," she mumbled adjusting the single strand of pearls around her neck. A deep sigh escaped her lips as she recalled the painful memories of Mark, her college sweetheart. We were going to get married after graduation. Then I caught him in bed with Linda. How could he sleep with her? The bastard! The pain of catching them together plagued me for over a year. Then I started communicating with Jacob. He made me feel it was safe to fall in love again.
She slumped onto the bed as memories invaded her consciousness. "What did I ever see in him? Maybe Jacob's just like him. I could be making the biggest mistake of my life. I'm meeting a man eleven years older than me." She glanced at the small watch face. "What if he's a rapist? I met him on-line."
-
I tried to balance internal dialogue, thought, with speaking out loud. If I'm upset I actually do both, depending on the how upset I am . Maybe I am crazy. I didn't make the corrections until last night. I had doctor's appointments yesterday. I made hard copies of the corrections and went through them one at a time I will recheck it in a minute.
-
I think it works fine to have both but the out loud should be minimized in my opinion, but then, i never speak aloud to myself, so maybe I'm the one who is abnormal? LOL I just think people talk aloud in a single short sentence style. Did any other reviewer mention this? (though not everyone tells their honest feedback).
Will check back soon---do let me know.
Love, rd
-
Almost every one who reviewed the post commented on it. It's split fairly even on it. I am considering rewriting it and have a telephone conversation with one of her friends, but I won't do it until I am able to get back to my computer. I hate this Mac laptop.
Comment from Sarah_Goldwell
This is an excellent little story, i enjoyed it very much, specially when she was agonising over what to wear and questioning herself over whether she was doing the right thing. It was all so natural and a subject a lot of us can relate to.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
This is an excellent little story, i enjoyed it very much, specially when she was agonising over what to wear and questioning herself over whether she was doing the right thing. It was all so natural and a subject a lot of us can relate to.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review. Some of my male fans struggled with the clothes thing.
Comment from Fleedleflump
You've done a grand job of capturing the fluttery confusion and irrational thought processes of such situations. I met my fiance on the internet, and two of my happily married friends met their wives in similar ways, so I for one thinks it works brilliantly. Of course, that doesn't change the nerves of the situation! I didn't see any spag, nor do I have any suggestions. Very well written.
Mike
PS: Don't listen to Ted T. The best dating sites are the ones where you DON'T check out everything about people before meeting. If you do, you'll always find a reason why it won't work. I think your situation is 100% plausible, regardless the 'day & age'.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
You've done a grand job of capturing the fluttery confusion and irrational thought processes of such situations. I met my fiance on the internet, and two of my happily married friends met their wives in similar ways, so I for one thinks it works brilliantly. Of course, that doesn't change the nerves of the situation! I didn't see any spag, nor do I have any suggestions. Very well written.
Mike
PS: Don't listen to Ted T. The best dating sites are the ones where you DON'T check out everything about people before meeting. If you do, you'll always find a reason why it won't work. I think your situation is 100% plausible, regardless the 'day & age'.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and comments I appreciate both.
Comment from Sacred Heart
Hi Barbara,
This is a good story. I was captivated from beginning to end. I sure can relate to Laila's fear to meet a man in person to whom she met on the internet. I can really feel her anxiety. I don't think I would be that brave and if I was I would have to have references of character. Etc. Truly Enjoyed, Love Light Patty
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
Hi Barbara,
This is a good story. I was captivated from beginning to end. I sure can relate to Laila's fear to meet a man in person to whom she met on the internet. I can really feel her anxiety. I don't think I would be that brave and if I was I would have to have references of character. Etc. Truly Enjoyed, Love Light Patty
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form, good flow, good storyline, i enjoyed reading it very much and i think it's going to end up being her ex waiting in the dining room. how did your surgery go?
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
this is very well written with good form, good flow, good storyline, i enjoyed reading it very much and i think it's going to end up being her ex waiting in the dining room. how did your surgery go?
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review. I am in be with my ankle elevated and I am on ice. But other than that, doing well.
Comment from Ruthi Hurwitz
Barbara, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, you are one talented lady. I found the story totally credible! The writing flowed, and I found I was going through all of the deliberations together with Laila, this really gripped me. Thank you so much for sharing this, it is great!
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
Barbara, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, you are one talented lady. I found the story totally credible! The writing flowed, and I found I was going through all of the deliberations together with Laila, this really gripped me. Thank you so much for sharing this, it is great!
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from fionageorge
This is a well written and excellent story about a relationship which begins on the internet. I know several couples who have met like this, and are married, and are seemingly happy. Yet, so many get caught up with people who are not truthful.
This story gives the reader the feelings of insecurity that comes with this type of 'dating' and then the meeting of a total stranger.
Good inner processes and excellent use of dialogue.
Warmest regards, Marijke
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
This is a well written and excellent story about a relationship which begins on the internet. I know several couples who have met like this, and are married, and are seemingly happy. Yet, so many get caught up with people who are not truthful.
This story gives the reader the feelings of insecurity that comes with this type of 'dating' and then the meeting of a total stranger.
Good inner processes and excellent use of dialogue.
Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate you sharing because a reviewer gave me a three, because he says it isn't possible.
Comment from Bridge
A very interesting story and very well written. Very engrossin. It managed to capture my interest right from the start and my interest never wavered. I really like the way Laila's thoughts are incorporated into the story
Shetu
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
|
A very interesting story and very well written. Very engrossin. It managed to capture my interest right from the start and my interest never wavered. I really like the way Laila's thoughts are incorporated into the story
Shetu
Comment Written 15-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.