Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Challenge."memiors from my life experiences.
97 total reviews
Comment from Winslow
Dear Keim,
There are many grammatical errors in your story. You also write in passive style which blunts its impact.
On this particular day the waves were incredible. There was a hurricane way out at sea which kicked up the surf. The waves were rolling in one after another at least 5 to 10ft high. They were breaking on the water which means they were perfect for riding. Unfortunately, the ocean area by the camping sites are not within the perimeter of the life guards station. This never stopped anyone from swimming though. So like many people before me and plenty since, I swam out and started riding some of the beautiful waves.
The waves on this day were incredible because a hurricane way out at sea had kicked up the surf. At least 5 to 10ft high, they rolled in one after another. They were perfect for riding since they broke far from shore. The ocean area by the camping sites is not within sight of the life guard's station, but this never stopped anyone from swimming there. So like many people before me and plenty since, I swam out and rode some of those beautiful waves.
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Dear keimosobie,
This story is improved but still could use much work. I would try to avoid the over use of was. Also short sentences make the narrative choppy. Ly words add nothing and slow the reader. We can always rewrite and improve.
For example this is an edit for this section.
I was in heaven but became exhausted. The strong current forced me back to the shallows to get my wind, but then I would go back out again. This gave me time for some soul searching. I realized that maybe things weren't right with God and fear gripped me. I had gotten away from church, and done a few things I'm not proud of. I thought about how I could fix things with the Almighty, so I did something brave, but stupid.
I hope this helps. Good luck in the contest. I raised my rating so I hope you will continue to edit. It would improve your chances.
Winslow
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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Dear Keim,
There are many grammatical errors in your story. You also write in passive style which blunts its impact.
On this particular day the waves were incredible. There was a hurricane way out at sea which kicked up the surf. The waves were rolling in one after another at least 5 to 10ft high. They were breaking on the water which means they were perfect for riding. Unfortunately, the ocean area by the camping sites are not within the perimeter of the life guards station. This never stopped anyone from swimming though. So like many people before me and plenty since, I swam out and started riding some of the beautiful waves.
The waves on this day were incredible because a hurricane way out at sea had kicked up the surf. At least 5 to 10ft high, they rolled in one after another. They were perfect for riding since they broke far from shore. The ocean area by the camping sites is not within sight of the life guard's station, but this never stopped anyone from swimming there. So like many people before me and plenty since, I swam out and rode some of those beautiful waves.
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Dear keimosobie,
This story is improved but still could use much work. I would try to avoid the over use of was. Also short sentences make the narrative choppy. Ly words add nothing and slow the reader. We can always rewrite and improve.
For example this is an edit for this section.
I was in heaven but became exhausted. The strong current forced me back to the shallows to get my wind, but then I would go back out again. This gave me time for some soul searching. I realized that maybe things weren't right with God and fear gripped me. I had gotten away from church, and done a few things I'm not proud of. I thought about how I could fix things with the Almighty, so I did something brave, but stupid.
I hope this helps. Good luck in the contest. I raised my rating so I hope you will continue to edit. It would improve your chances.
Winslow
Comment Written 21-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2010
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thanks
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Dear Winslow your reviews are excellent and they were most helpful. I made corrections based on your input and I was wondering if you could look at it again an if you feel it worthy maybe an increase on the star rating? Thanks Keim
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Dear Winslow your reviews are excellent and they were most helpful. I made corrections based on your input and I was wondering if you could look at it again an if you feel it worthy maybe an increase on the star rating? Thanks Keim
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Dear Winslow your reviews are excellent and they were most helpful. I made corrections based on your input and I was wondering if you could look at it again an if you feel it worthy maybe an increase on the star rating? Thanks Keim
Comment from humpwhistle
I'm sorry about the stars Keimosobie, but I had some trouble reading this story. The story itself is fine, but it consists of one run-on sentence after another. This makes for very difficult reading---but it is also easily fixed. If you stop piling clause after clause on top of each other you'll see that you can tell the story with fewer words, and much more clarity without sacrificing any content. Just by way of example:
My name is Timothy. I've always lived on the Long Island shore, so I've grown to love the ocean. My wife and I have been neglecting our health recently. And me a nurse, can you imagine?
You get the idea. I hope I didn't step on your toes.
Peace, Lee
Nice job of editing. I hope you are happy with the revisions. Lee
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
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I'm sorry about the stars Keimosobie, but I had some trouble reading this story. The story itself is fine, but it consists of one run-on sentence after another. This makes for very difficult reading---but it is also easily fixed. If you stop piling clause after clause on top of each other you'll see that you can tell the story with fewer words, and much more clarity without sacrificing any content. Just by way of example:
My name is Timothy. I've always lived on the Long Island shore, so I've grown to love the ocean. My wife and I have been neglecting our health recently. And me a nurse, can you imagine?
You get the idea. I hope I didn't step on your toes.
Peace, Lee
Nice job of editing. I hope you are happy with the revisions. Lee
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
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it's ok it's just my first attempt at story telling thanks for the input. I will try to fix it.
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Ive done a lot of corrections would you consider an upgrade in the stars?
Comment from c_lucas
Welcome to Fanstory. This post shows promise, but you need to polish it up.
I would like to make a couple of suggestions:
Line breaks before and after dialogue.
Line breaks to divide large blocks of narrative
They were braking (breaking) on the water
Ruff or rough???
Author's notes:
This story is completely true. (delete completly)
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This looks very good and makes for a very smooth read. Good job.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
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Welcome to Fanstory. This post shows promise, but you need to polish it up.
I would like to make a couple of suggestions:
Line breaks before and after dialogue.
Line breaks to divide large blocks of narrative
They were braking (breaking) on the water
Ruff or rough???
Author's notes:
This story is completely true. (delete completly)
************************************************
This looks very good and makes for a very smooth read. Good job.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
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thank you corrections made.
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You're welcome.
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well are you saying i have too many line brakes or not enough?
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Line break needed between "swim and on" Two different paragraphs.(this is one exsample)
My name is Timothy. I've always lived on the Long Island shore, so I've grown to love the ocean. My wife and I have been neglecting our health recently. And me a nurse, can you imagine? Anyway, this summer we decided to get a little rest and relaxation at the ocean and so we went camping at Smithpoint beach on Fire Island . As people do when camping at the beach, we all went to the ocean to sunbathe and swim. On this particular day the waves were incredible. There was a hurricane way out at sea which kicked up the surf. The waves were rolling in one after another at least 5 to10ft high. They were breaking on the water which means they were perfect for riding. Unfortunately the ocean area by the camping sites are not within the perimeter of the life guards station however this never stopped anyone from swimming, so like many people before me and plenty since, I swam out and started riding some of the beautiful waves.
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I made some corrections would you consider a re read and an upgrade in the stars?
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This is very good. I have updated.
Comment from LadyWave
Wow, what an incredible story! I'm so glad it had a happy ending and it's enlightened you. My heart was in my throat reading your account of the event. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
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Wow, what an incredible story! I'm so glad it had a happy ending and it's enlightened you. My heart was in my throat reading your account of the event. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
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I'm glad you liked it this is my first story posting.
Comment from 239matthew
True or not, it's a good story. I might suggest you break it up into smaller paragraph to make it easier to keep the readers place. Other than that, It makes for a great human interest story.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
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True or not, it's a good story. I might suggest you break it up into smaller paragraph to make it easier to keep the readers place. Other than that, It makes for a great human interest story.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
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thank you I will consider editing it after I finish promoting it.
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Your very welcome and good luck.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form, good flow, a good storyline, a blessing that you two survived. i enjoyed reading your story. it would read easier if you broke it into chapters and did you mean humongous waves?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
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this is very well written with good form, good flow, a good storyline, a blessing that you two survived. i enjoyed reading your story. it would read easier if you broke it into chapters and did you mean humongous waves?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
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yes i did thank you
Comment from dmoncrief
This is a very interesting story. I could feel the tension and the stress of your harrowing experience.
I'm sorry to give you a three, but there was so many spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors that they distracted from the story.
Here are some examples:
Spelling:
Unforunately --unfortunately
where -- were I found this error at least three times.
tied -- tide
see -- sea
Punctuation:
shed -- she'd
I screamed fight it Sam -- I screamed, "Fight it, Sam."
Grammar:
The wave was passed me but with a Herculean effort I managed to push her through the back of the wave into it.
-- I think you need to delete "was"
manage -- managed
I also noted several run-on sentences.
There is trouble with comma placement as well.
This biggest obstacle to reading the piece is the flow. This needs to be broken into more paragraphs.
This could be a trememdous story if you polished it up.
Denise
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
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This is a very interesting story. I could feel the tension and the stress of your harrowing experience.
I'm sorry to give you a three, but there was so many spelling, punctuation, and grammar errors that they distracted from the story.
Here are some examples:
Spelling:
Unforunately --unfortunately
where -- were I found this error at least three times.
tied -- tide
see -- sea
Punctuation:
shed -- she'd
I screamed fight it Sam -- I screamed, "Fight it, Sam."
Grammar:
The wave was passed me but with a Herculean effort I managed to push her through the back of the wave into it.
-- I think you need to delete "was"
manage -- managed
I also noted several run-on sentences.
There is trouble with comma placement as well.
This biggest obstacle to reading the piece is the flow. This needs to be broken into more paragraphs.
This could be a trememdous story if you polished it up.
Denise
Comment Written 20-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2010
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well thats why i released it thanks for the corrections.
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Thank you for your corrections. would you consider going over it again for me and possibly an upgrade on the stars as this is my first story Post and i really value your opinion.
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This still needs quite a bit of work. If you make the changes, then I will take another look and upgrade.
I think the best thing I could do to advise you is to show you which sentences are run on and where you need commas. Look at the sentences below. Most need to be divided into two or more separate sentences.
Unfortunately the ocean area by the camping sites are not within the perimeter of the life guards station however this never stopped anyone from swimming, so like many people before me and plenty since, I swam out and started riding some of the beautiful waves.
I have had a rough go of it the last couple of years and I had gotten away from church and I had done a few things that's lets just say didn't sit right with my relationship with God.
The next day I arose early and my wife had taken the baby home sometime in the middle of the night so she could get some rest in the air conditioning and I knew she wouldn't be back for quite some time.
I could easily have caught it myself but I was dragging Samantha behind me and I knew if I caught the wave in she wouldn't and she would be ripped from my hands as that happened earlier.
I slowly made my way to the shore I can remember as the water slipped from my body and I slowly emerged from the sea it was like the hangman's noose was being lifted from my neck.
The other thing you need to look at is punctuation. If you can break a sentence in two and make it two complete sentences, then it needs a comma.
Here are some examples. I've bracketed the changes:
I then told my brother[-]in[-]law Tom I was going over to the ocean for a swim[,] and Samantha and Emily quickly asked to come along.
I rode a couple[,] and I got slammed and scraped my shoulder on the sandy bottom.
I said it was a little rough[,] and she asked if I could bring her out.
These are only examples. I didn't include every instance here.
I hope this helps.
Denise
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dear Denise you k illed my story i have two 6 star ratings and i still cant get an exceptional rating because of you 3 stars any chance for a redo?
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Keimosobie, I am upgrading because I promised that I would take another look, and I forgot. I apologize for that. I did not "kill" your story. I don't think the two sixes are fair to you, because they imply your story was near perfect, and it still has quite a bit of punctuation problems. As far as content goes, this is an exceptional story, but it deserves to be polished.