Hallelujah
You Don't Really Care For Music, Do You?45 total reviews
Comment from Delahay
I had a little trouble following along. I think it is my mental ability, not your writing, though. If I understand this, we have a performer, or someone else who is adored by crowds, a religious figure perhaps? Someone who is loved for their public persona but, in real life, they are a completely different personality? Like so many public figures. Is this what you wanted to convey?
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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I had a little trouble following along. I think it is my mental ability, not your writing, though. If I understand this, we have a performer, or someone else who is adored by crowds, a religious figure perhaps? Someone who is loved for their public persona but, in real life, they are a completely different personality? Like so many public figures. Is this what you wanted to convey?
Comment Written 01-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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No, a freakin' roundworm has glommed onto my tomatoes. I am demanding he honors me for providing his feast. OHHHHH, this is for Hallelujah! So sorry. As to the theme of Hallelujah, I didn't intend it to go to your more astute level. Just a simple performer, albeit blind, who is adored by his fans and he is apt to agree with them if it werent' for the "leveling factor" of his manager ... whispering in his ear that he is mortal.
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Ah, o.k. A lot of people could benefit from having someone around to remind them they are mortal.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Jay,
Interesting write. I felt as I read through this that you could feel the love that all had for David and how talented they felt he is. Good character development with only dialogue being used.
Good luck in the contest. I think this should do well.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2017
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Dear Jay,
Interesting write. I felt as I read through this that you could feel the love that all had for David and how talented they felt he is. Good character development with only dialogue being used.
Good luck in the contest. I think this should do well.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 11-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2017
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Thanks, Winslow. Unfortunately, it apparently didn't make the cut. I'm glad you enjoyed it, though.
Comment from Tessa Kay
You painted a picture in my mind with only dialogue. I could hear the crowd cheer and could see how the people reacted around 'King David'. Very well done. How do you come up with these? :)
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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You painted a picture in my mind with only dialogue. I could hear the crowd cheer and could see how the people reacted around 'King David'. Very well done. How do you come up with these? :)
Comment Written 09-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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I just started with a blind guy and two females and let the feeling draw me in. I'm thrilled the whole thing drew you in as well. The six made my day, Tessa.
Comment from royowen
At the beginning David sounds like a lot of my lecherous football mates in my early man years, but he turns out to be as insecure and depending on the ladies for his security, as do I with my wife and daughters who mother me a lot. I like the defining song "hallelujah", which gives some influence to the dialogue. Well done, you and Lee (humpwhistle) have a "real handle" on dialogue only narratives, mate wonderful entry, good luck, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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At the beginning David sounds like a lot of my lecherous football mates in my early man years, but he turns out to be as insecure and depending on the ladies for his security, as do I with my wife and daughters who mother me a lot. I like the defining song "hallelujah", which gives some influence to the dialogue. Well done, you and Lee (humpwhistle) have a "real handle" on dialogue only narratives, mate wonderful entry, good luck, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 08-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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Roy, I take this with particular pride since you don't give away sixes lavishly. I'm thrilled about your compliment. I'm honored to be in the same room as Lee! Again, thanks.
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You such a great writer, Jay, you're an inspiration, mate
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Hi Jay, really well done on this one, my friend, it's not an easy project to take on, but you did it with style. I loved the banter between David and Elizabeth, she knew he'd be lost without her. Most men need a good woman to steer them in the right direction, blind or otherwise!! LOL. What I found while reading it, the visuals were vivid with just the dialogue. Well done, I really enjoyed it. Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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Hi Jay, really well done on this one, my friend, it's not an easy project to take on, but you did it with style. I loved the banter between David and Elizabeth, she knew he'd be lost without her. Most men need a good woman to steer them in the right direction, blind or otherwise!! LOL. What I found while reading it, the visuals were vivid with just the dialogue. Well done, I really enjoyed it. Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 08-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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Sandra, you are so kind with your compliments. Thank you so much for the six stars. I'm honored.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Nice work on this dialogue piece. I had to go back and re-read it to fully comprehend what was going on. It makes more sense the second time around. Well crafted piece. Best of luck in the contest.
I'll leave the door ajar so you'll hear when to come out.--I think you need a comma before so.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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Nice work on this dialogue piece. I had to go back and re-read it to fully comprehend what was going on. It makes more sense the second time around. Well crafted piece. Best of luck in the contest.
I'll leave the door ajar so you'll hear when to come out.--I think you need a comma before so.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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Where the heck have you been, Russell? I haven't seen any of your posts the last couple of weeks. I'm thrilled you got to read this. I can understand the confusion the first time through. Thanks for being stubborn enough to give it a second chance.
Comment from Drew Delaney
It's strange how only dialogue can be a scene in itself. I have never attempted this. It's probably a great exercise to get the juices flowing. You are so talented Jay. Nice work!
Drew
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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It's strange how only dialogue can be a scene in itself. I have never attempted this. It's probably a great exercise to get the juices flowing. You are so talented Jay. Nice work!
Drew
Comment Written 07-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2017
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Drew, thank you for your kind words and the six stars. It was the hardest exercise I'd ever attempted. I was rather pleased with the result. Thank you so much for reading it.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Jay Squires,
Hallelujah! - A lovely piece of Romance Fiction with a very catchy beginning.
Wording, and dialogues are impressive.
Smooth and captivating flow almost throughout up to the end, barring slight glitch in the middle.
On the whole, interesting and worth enjoying.
Best of Luck!
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Hello Jay Squires,
Hallelujah! - A lovely piece of Romance Fiction with a very catchy beginning.
Wording, and dialogues are impressive.
Smooth and captivating flow almost throughout up to the end, barring slight glitch in the middle.
On the whole, interesting and worth enjoying.
Best of Luck!
Comment Written 07-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Thank you so much for reading, RP. I'm glad you felt it was worthwhile reading. Not easy with only dialogue, but I was kind of pleased with it. Again, thanks for the six stars.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Hi, Jay. I really miss you. This is an excellent entry for the dialogue-only contest. How does your garden grow. I am starting a few things in my kitchen where I get good sunlight. Now, I have nowhere to cook, LOL. I guess that's what the grill is for. Take care, my friend and let me know how you are~DEbbie
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Hi, Jay. I really miss you. This is an excellent entry for the dialogue-only contest. How does your garden grow. I am starting a few things in my kitchen where I get good sunlight. Now, I have nowhere to cook, LOL. I guess that's what the grill is for. Take care, my friend and let me know how you are~DEbbie
Comment Written 07-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Debbie, you are such a sweetheart. It is good to be missed. Thanks for your kind words about my dialogue only story. It was fun to write. Ah, the garden! My entire backyard has become my canvas. I have an 8 X 8 vegetable garden with 3 varieties of tomatoes, Bell Peppers, spinach, cukes and radishes. Around the perimeter, I have lavender, jasmine, blackberries, boysenberries and a large, fragrant, white blossomed plant (whose name escapes me). I've sawed down four or five truckloads of limbs, and hauled them to the green-dump to be mulched. I have a humongous pile of mulch and a composting bin, the contents of both of which will be gone before summer's end. I'm in process of laying out a kinda rambling cobblestone walkway throughout the back yard, beside which, I'll plant the roses I grew from stem-cuttings. I have a living room full of plastic bins full of stem cuttings (roses, jasmine houseplants, lavender (not doing well, alas!), and recently beautifully blossomed crab apple. Oh, don't tell anyone about the lavender. I don't want it to get back to them and hurt their flagging feelings.
Now... aren't ya glad you asked? Have you seen Selena Stambi's (Sonali's) videos in her profile? That's what I'm holding up as a vision for my backyard. It will be a garden of meditation and prayer. But that won't be for a year or so.
Thanks again, Debbie for your interest. Now, tell me about your garden.
Jay
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Jay, you are awesome. I wish I could come visit your garden--and get some tips with writing too. So far, most of my garden is in the kitchen waiting for consistent warmer weather, however, I have nowhere to cook, LOL. Glad you caught the gardening passion. It is awesome. I would love some pictures, my friend. I'll be posting some as soon as there is something to see~Debbie
Comment from Spitfire
I have to admit confusion until I read the reviews. The opening led me to believe the man's a molester. I take it that Elizabeth and June are the victims of Jimmy's flirtations that show his immaturity. How clever to change the names ( but confusing too.) We all have first names, nicknames and the formal Miss, Mrs., or Mr.
Listen to those fans out there--the impatient rustling of your fans. -- this is where the piece took off and made sense to me.
The baffled king --LOL, For sure.
Superb irony in the last paragraph.
Fine job of depicting the arrogance of a star in the making.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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I have to admit confusion until I read the reviews. The opening led me to believe the man's a molester. I take it that Elizabeth and June are the victims of Jimmy's flirtations that show his immaturity. How clever to change the names ( but confusing too.) We all have first names, nicknames and the formal Miss, Mrs., or Mr.
Listen to those fans out there--the impatient rustling of your fans. -- this is where the piece took off and made sense to me.
The baffled king --LOL, For sure.
Superb irony in the last paragraph.
Fine job of depicting the arrogance of a star in the making.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Hey, Shari. Thanks for not just reading this, but award it with a six! I didn't realize how the beginning could be so confusing. I'll have to take another look at it. I knew it was risky changing the name from King David to Jimmy--actually vice-versa. Again, thanks, my friend.