THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 38 "Fragrance of Clarna's Grief"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
34 total reviews
Comment from RGstar
I have been away, but on return, reading this, even the first paragraph took me straight into the action and fantasy in which the feel of the writing and its direction gives the feel of being in good hands for further reading.
A story already developed nicely is evident. The characters and movement flow nicely with no need for affirmative action in trying to shock or bring attention to. The movement allows it to find its own surprises.
On reading on, I though the sword scene reminded a little like a period film moving each time to be touched and the activity across the ceiling could have been tuned down and not mentioned so excessively within that scene...but then;
Solid action. Masterpiece in writing a scene, riveting. One breathed the same breath as the antagonist.
This is a very good piece of writing, and not to surprise to see it winning something.
A good piece of writing, Jay. My six stars for sure.
Excellent.
Have a good day.
RGstar
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2016
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I have been away, but on return, reading this, even the first paragraph took me straight into the action and fantasy in which the feel of the writing and its direction gives the feel of being in good hands for further reading.
A story already developed nicely is evident. The characters and movement flow nicely with no need for affirmative action in trying to shock or bring attention to. The movement allows it to find its own surprises.
On reading on, I though the sword scene reminded a little like a period film moving each time to be touched and the activity across the ceiling could have been tuned down and not mentioned so excessively within that scene...but then;
Solid action. Masterpiece in writing a scene, riveting. One breathed the same breath as the antagonist.
This is a very good piece of writing, and not to surprise to see it winning something.
A good piece of writing, Jay. My six stars for sure.
Excellent.
Have a good day.
RGstar
Comment Written 07-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2016
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What a kind and generous review, RG. I'm thrilled that a poet of your caliber enjoyed reading my piece of prose. Bless you, sir.
Comment from Sis Cat
Rhuether is such a villain that I wished the arrows missed Pondria and his Rhuether instead. His treatment of his guards and his attempted execution show his depravity. The magical elements reminded me of a hybrid between Excalibur, Star Wars, the Exorcist and Kaa the python in The Jungle Book. You take various threads and weave them together into a tapestry of tales. I love the carved ceiling and am glad you kept that throughout your novel.
Yes, I had wondered if the magic was really Doctrex's instead of Axtilla's or Kyre's. I sense things build to a climax "And now the play's ending begins."
Thank you, Jay, for sharing your exceptional writing. This has been quite a journey.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2016
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Rhuether is such a villain that I wished the arrows missed Pondria and his Rhuether instead. His treatment of his guards and his attempted execution show his depravity. The magical elements reminded me of a hybrid between Excalibur, Star Wars, the Exorcist and Kaa the python in The Jungle Book. You take various threads and weave them together into a tapestry of tales. I love the carved ceiling and am glad you kept that throughout your novel.
Yes, I had wondered if the magic was really Doctrex's instead of Axtilla's or Kyre's. I sense things build to a climax "And now the play's ending begins."
Thank you, Jay, for sharing your exceptional writing. This has been quite a journey.
Comment Written 07-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2016
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Yes, it has been quite a journey, mainly because of passengers like you who keep the engine going week after week. I think I've taken that metaphor about as far as I can. THanks, Andre, for the six stars.
Comment from fafa
I have looked for some previous chapter to be able to give real idea of the book and sincerely it seems very interesting to me, I believe that it has capacity for this type of work, continue ahead, greetings.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2016
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I have looked for some previous chapter to be able to give real idea of the book and sincerely it seems very interesting to me, I believe that it has capacity for this type of work, continue ahead, greetings.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2016
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Thank you, fafa. Only a couple more chapters and it ends and the real work of editing begins.
Comment from Kyanro
It's hard for me to review a story in mid-telling, but the "drowning" scene got my heart racingThe language was compelling. I will have to go back and see if I can read any previous chapters!
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2016
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It's hard for me to review a story in mid-telling, but the "drowning" scene got my heart racingThe language was compelling. I will have to go back and see if I can read any previous chapters!
Comment Written 06-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2016
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Many thanks Kyanro. Only a few more chapters remaining. Glad you could sample it.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Jay... read through your chapter, enjoyed the action, really strong writing, loads to enjoy; To regurgitate what I derived. In the beginning of the chapter, this reader, along with Pondria believes Axtilla is with him, and is the one who helped misdirect the first arrow. By the end of this chapter, that is less certain. There is some emphasis on the fragrance noticed and that leads to attention towards Pondria and Glnot's mother, and I'd noticed earlier, Glont revealed/reminded of some jealousy over Pondria having their mother's attention in ways he didn't have, with Axtilla's death and a comparison of that payback, him having accusations toward Pondria showing unresolved conflict in that area, which by this point did help prepare me a bit for Kyre's tug of the scene to the curiosity of what involvement does Axtilla have here... and also the twin's mother. Gosh, in the reaches and leaps and jumps my brain makes... I thought, gee... if Axtilla was once Clarna, and if she then realized it... well, eww... but not likely... The reason I jumped there was because of Kyre's once removed... comment, the reaching for what that means. I started thinking... what does he mean, in spirit, once removed? what does that mean. Like this was the second death? If that were the case, no wonder she would avoid calling him Pondria.
Split, I thought[,]? with such concentration I didn't
(not sure, but I wanted to delete this comma)
At that moment, my body, which had been feeling*, in all its parts, ... until I felt** the press of one or more against my thighs; then more from behind, below the calves and up from the bottom of my feet and again I felt*** the dreaded intimacy
(wondered if you could cut down on some of the 'filter word: feel/felt here in this paragraph in particular... maybe in a few places, just skip to describing what he 'felt' instead of saying he felt it? )
I like the use of the ceiling in the end section of the book, it being used as a weapon, considering all the attention the precieved movement of the shapes up there were getting.
direction. "The fainting child can't have the same hope."
(Nice job in getting Glnot's worst side forward, I'm kind of wondering if this will lead to Gorzi running him through. It never makes sense how masses of people stay pinned under a person like this(brutal dictators) when they out number him and are armed in the same room. I guess there is his powers holding them at bay, but when you have nothing to lose anymore... and you outnumber the bully tyrant, and have nothing to lose... why not?)
"Justiz, Almighty Master," he said, offering a self-conscious half-bow, and
(Hmmm... Justiz? Is he going to shoot Glnot in the face? That would be some Justiz... ; )
"And your aim, Justiz? We wouldn't want him squirming and crying with an arrow pinning him to the wall through his thigh, now would we, Justiz?"
(I've lost visual with the Almighty Master, He's such an odd duck and now here, in his yell-mocking-I haven't seen him as sitting in a while. It's hard to see him yelling and sitting)
He slipped his foot into the stirrup, and clutching the string on either side of the barrel, he pulled with a steady motion until he slipped the string into the catch, locking it in position. (Ha! Your coordinating conjunction was nicely punctuated to prepare me for the second 'he'. I liked the complexity of this sentence)
"Yes(,) Almighty Master."
and then motioned to Justiz. "My sword--get me my sword."
(I like that he doesn't even get his own sword for himself...here.)
Then he bent over, his arms grasping his side, and dropped into his chair. (wondered if a paragraph break would be good here...)"You're killing yourself,
The start of death. No more panicky need to struggle for air.
(swallowed by a ceiling sea serpent and pulled into the ceiling sea serpent...? a horror that looks pretty cool. Disorienting, and the disorientation plays well.)
I opened my eyes. My head had pushed through to the surface (I thought surface of water... but this surface is supposed to be the snake's coils?) and I was
with each inhale.
(by here I was confused a bit, and figured I would have to reread to see where I went astray. It was when he looked at the coils and his oxygen brain saw a fo-water.)
"And your aim, Justiz? We wouldn't want him squirming and crying with an arrow (by this point... and with all of Almighty Master's turning and talkings... I have forgotten/ lost track that he is sitting in a chair. Maybe consider before here... in one of the turning to guard moments, to give a better image of him turning to a guard, but in a seated position to help remind of the wierdness of all his shouting and orders... from a seated position. It is perfect for his odd duck sort of ways... that weird seated yelling, but I lost track of it before here)
He removed his foot from the stirrup and held the bow in front of his face*, turned to face** me*, then peered down the empty groove at me**.
(a little bit of a tiny echo in the flow. Maybe where on his face did he hold the bow... Is the arrow cocked to his chin? held the bow at arm's length? In front of his face is really close to his face... I'm not sure how to envision the bow in front of his face, and then with the face me.)
He faced*** me, one leg in front of the other, the crossbow pointing to the floor.
(He was already facing Doctrex, Pondria? I thought... as I was looking at the face echo, and noticed the third facing)
nose, maintaining my focus on the black tip[,] aimed at my chest.
(believe this comma could possibly be deleted... black tip aimed at my chest? or maybe this is that shorthand I always trip over. my focus on the black tip, which was aimed at my chest.)
I recalled from the myth how Pondria had[,] spun himself--Rhuether attached--like
(strongly suggest delete this comma-- subject and verb separation)
With* the guard's momentum bringing his fingertips to a half-inch from my shoulder, he was suddenly jerked up and away, and with** a gasp spun up the wall to the ceiling, then across the wall, dipping below the sconces, rising again to the ceiling on the other side. (this sentence is rough... out of control... in the beginning part. Couldn't understand use of with. Before the guard's momentum brought his fingertips within a half-inch of my shoulder, he was jerked up and away. (maybe split the sentence? I wish I had the brain power to explain why I'm pausing here... but here's my attempt-- 'With' implies cause and affect. With the wind blowing north, the fire would reach his house in an hour... there was a disconnect between the reaching
I glanced from Rhuether to the sword, and just as Justiz reached [his hand] for it,
(do you need 'his hand'? hands reach... assumed; like blinking with eyes, and walking his legs. And later, if deleted here, it leaves no echo when hand is needed. Justiz reached for it. His hand grasped air.... Instead of Justiz reached his hand for it. His hand grasped air...)
Rhuether {dug his fingers into}(clutched?) his side and grimaced. "Even that would be"--his face twisted--"would be a joyous death ... taking you with me. Look. Behind you."
I turned in time to feel the heavy slap against my side and back and looked down (to) see the white serpent wrap his body, like a vise, around my waist.
(missing the word 'to')
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2016
|
Hi, Jay... read through your chapter, enjoyed the action, really strong writing, loads to enjoy; To regurgitate what I derived. In the beginning of the chapter, this reader, along with Pondria believes Axtilla is with him, and is the one who helped misdirect the first arrow. By the end of this chapter, that is less certain. There is some emphasis on the fragrance noticed and that leads to attention towards Pondria and Glnot's mother, and I'd noticed earlier, Glont revealed/reminded of some jealousy over Pondria having their mother's attention in ways he didn't have, with Axtilla's death and a comparison of that payback, him having accusations toward Pondria showing unresolved conflict in that area, which by this point did help prepare me a bit for Kyre's tug of the scene to the curiosity of what involvement does Axtilla have here... and also the twin's mother. Gosh, in the reaches and leaps and jumps my brain makes... I thought, gee... if Axtilla was once Clarna, and if she then realized it... well, eww... but not likely... The reason I jumped there was because of Kyre's once removed... comment, the reaching for what that means. I started thinking... what does he mean, in spirit, once removed? what does that mean. Like this was the second death? If that were the case, no wonder she would avoid calling him Pondria.
Split, I thought[,]? with such concentration I didn't
(not sure, but I wanted to delete this comma)
At that moment, my body, which had been feeling*, in all its parts, ... until I felt** the press of one or more against my thighs; then more from behind, below the calves and up from the bottom of my feet and again I felt*** the dreaded intimacy
(wondered if you could cut down on some of the 'filter word: feel/felt here in this paragraph in particular... maybe in a few places, just skip to describing what he 'felt' instead of saying he felt it? )
I like the use of the ceiling in the end section of the book, it being used as a weapon, considering all the attention the precieved movement of the shapes up there were getting.
direction. "The fainting child can't have the same hope."
(Nice job in getting Glnot's worst side forward, I'm kind of wondering if this will lead to Gorzi running him through. It never makes sense how masses of people stay pinned under a person like this(brutal dictators) when they out number him and are armed in the same room. I guess there is his powers holding them at bay, but when you have nothing to lose anymore... and you outnumber the bully tyrant, and have nothing to lose... why not?)
"Justiz, Almighty Master," he said, offering a self-conscious half-bow, and
(Hmmm... Justiz? Is he going to shoot Glnot in the face? That would be some Justiz... ; )
"And your aim, Justiz? We wouldn't want him squirming and crying with an arrow pinning him to the wall through his thigh, now would we, Justiz?"
(I've lost visual with the Almighty Master, He's such an odd duck and now here, in his yell-mocking-I haven't seen him as sitting in a while. It's hard to see him yelling and sitting)
He slipped his foot into the stirrup, and clutching the string on either side of the barrel, he pulled with a steady motion until he slipped the string into the catch, locking it in position. (Ha! Your coordinating conjunction was nicely punctuated to prepare me for the second 'he'. I liked the complexity of this sentence)
"Yes(,) Almighty Master."
and then motioned to Justiz. "My sword--get me my sword."
(I like that he doesn't even get his own sword for himself...here.)
Then he bent over, his arms grasping his side, and dropped into his chair. (wondered if a paragraph break would be good here...)"You're killing yourself,
The start of death. No more panicky need to struggle for air.
(swallowed by a ceiling sea serpent and pulled into the ceiling sea serpent...? a horror that looks pretty cool. Disorienting, and the disorientation plays well.)
I opened my eyes. My head had pushed through to the surface (I thought surface of water... but this surface is supposed to be the snake's coils?) and I was
with each inhale.
(by here I was confused a bit, and figured I would have to reread to see where I went astray. It was when he looked at the coils and his oxygen brain saw a fo-water.)
"And your aim, Justiz? We wouldn't want him squirming and crying with an arrow (by this point... and with all of Almighty Master's turning and talkings... I have forgotten/ lost track that he is sitting in a chair. Maybe consider before here... in one of the turning to guard moments, to give a better image of him turning to a guard, but in a seated position to help remind of the wierdness of all his shouting and orders... from a seated position. It is perfect for his odd duck sort of ways... that weird seated yelling, but I lost track of it before here)
He removed his foot from the stirrup and held the bow in front of his face*, turned to face** me*, then peered down the empty groove at me**.
(a little bit of a tiny echo in the flow. Maybe where on his face did he hold the bow... Is the arrow cocked to his chin? held the bow at arm's length? In front of his face is really close to his face... I'm not sure how to envision the bow in front of his face, and then with the face me.)
He faced*** me, one leg in front of the other, the crossbow pointing to the floor.
(He was already facing Doctrex, Pondria? I thought... as I was looking at the face echo, and noticed the third facing)
nose, maintaining my focus on the black tip[,] aimed at my chest.
(believe this comma could possibly be deleted... black tip aimed at my chest? or maybe this is that shorthand I always trip over. my focus on the black tip, which was aimed at my chest.)
I recalled from the myth how Pondria had[,] spun himself--Rhuether attached--like
(strongly suggest delete this comma-- subject and verb separation)
With* the guard's momentum bringing his fingertips to a half-inch from my shoulder, he was suddenly jerked up and away, and with** a gasp spun up the wall to the ceiling, then across the wall, dipping below the sconces, rising again to the ceiling on the other side. (this sentence is rough... out of control... in the beginning part. Couldn't understand use of with. Before the guard's momentum brought his fingertips within a half-inch of my shoulder, he was jerked up and away. (maybe split the sentence? I wish I had the brain power to explain why I'm pausing here... but here's my attempt-- 'With' implies cause and affect. With the wind blowing north, the fire would reach his house in an hour... there was a disconnect between the reaching
I glanced from Rhuether to the sword, and just as Justiz reached [his hand] for it,
(do you need 'his hand'? hands reach... assumed; like blinking with eyes, and walking his legs. And later, if deleted here, it leaves no echo when hand is needed. Justiz reached for it. His hand grasped air.... Instead of Justiz reached his hand for it. His hand grasped air...)
Rhuether {dug his fingers into}(clutched?) his side and grimaced. "Even that would be"--his face twisted--"would be a joyous death ... taking you with me. Look. Behind you."
I turned in time to feel the heavy slap against my side and back and looked down (to) see the white serpent wrap his body, like a vise, around my waist.
(missing the word 'to')
Comment Written 06-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2016
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Turtle, you were the only one to mention Kyre's words: "once removed" which is a key to the whole thing. I won't go any further on it but the next (climactic finale) chapter should shore up any doubts. I'm going into this without finishing the rest of the suggestions. I've made most of the changes based on your last chapter's review, but I've got to paste THIS review and get to it later. I had to tell you about your spot on surmises in your first paragraph.
Again, I can't thank you enough for your attention to details.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. Another brilliant renering from you here. Senteces like this one with a strong verb like ricocheted and clattered make the difference in writing as you have already learned: " the arrow ricocheted off the wall near the ceiling above my head, then clattered off another wall some distance behind Rhuether's chair.
Your imagery is another keepsake in your work, my friend: Like: " I screamed down to him and had to stop as I felt myself up to my chest in the embrace of the warm coils. Soft, sinuous movement rolled beneath my feet."
The writing is always the thing with me, Jay. I don't boither myself with editing and looking for missing commas etc. That's the editor's job. LOL
Bravo! Bob
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2016
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Hi, Jay. Another brilliant renering from you here. Senteces like this one with a strong verb like ricocheted and clattered make the difference in writing as you have already learned: " the arrow ricocheted off the wall near the ceiling above my head, then clattered off another wall some distance behind Rhuether's chair.
Your imagery is another keepsake in your work, my friend: Like: " I screamed down to him and had to stop as I felt myself up to my chest in the embrace of the warm coils. Soft, sinuous movement rolled beneath my feet."
The writing is always the thing with me, Jay. I don't boither myself with editing and looking for missing commas etc. That's the editor's job. LOL
Bravo! Bob
Comment Written 05-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2016
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Thanks, Bob. Your reviews mean a lot to me. I'm thrilled you found it so enjoyable.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Good stuff, Jay! This is the scene I have been waiting for...You didn't disappoint. As always, your word choices and visual imagery are stellar. There's only one problem; I don't want it to end.
I found a couple of things for your consideration.
I couldn't close my eyes now, and with my heart pounding so powerfully in my throat I thought I would vomit, concentration was impossible.-- I think you have three complete sentences here with a prepositional phrase. Suggest a comma after throat and a semi-colon after vomit.
"Yes Almighty Master."-- comma after yes?
I turned in time to feel the heavy slap against my side and back, and look down see the white serpent wrap his body, like a vise, around my waist. --I paused on this one. It appears as though you slip into present tense (Look). I would suggest deleting the comma after back as it is not two sentences. I turned and looked. However, I would suggest keeping the comma after back and deleting out the entire 'I looked down (to) see' and begin your sentence with the serpent. Since it's first person, we know you are looking. Also, are the offsetting commas around like a vise needed? I couldn't decide.
I screamed down to him and had to stop as I felt myself up to my chest in the embrace of the warm coils-- I paused here as well. I felt myself up to my chest. I know what feeling yourself up or feeling another person up is, lol. Just sounded odd. Suggest my scream strangled out by the coils of the serpents embrace. Something like that?
I discovered a foot hold and pushed up with my thighs, using all my strength and finished, unsuccessful, gasping for more air. -- suggest deleting out the offsetting commas around unsuccessful. Maybe unsuccessfully?
My head had pushed through to the surface and I was breathing once more. -- suggest comma before and.
Whew! Let me know what you think about this. I hope this was helpful. Overall, none of this really distracted me from the story. Well done!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Good stuff, Jay! This is the scene I have been waiting for...You didn't disappoint. As always, your word choices and visual imagery are stellar. There's only one problem; I don't want it to end.
I found a couple of things for your consideration.
I couldn't close my eyes now, and with my heart pounding so powerfully in my throat I thought I would vomit, concentration was impossible.-- I think you have three complete sentences here with a prepositional phrase. Suggest a comma after throat and a semi-colon after vomit.
"Yes Almighty Master."-- comma after yes?
I turned in time to feel the heavy slap against my side and back, and look down see the white serpent wrap his body, like a vise, around my waist. --I paused on this one. It appears as though you slip into present tense (Look). I would suggest deleting the comma after back as it is not two sentences. I turned and looked. However, I would suggest keeping the comma after back and deleting out the entire 'I looked down (to) see' and begin your sentence with the serpent. Since it's first person, we know you are looking. Also, are the offsetting commas around like a vise needed? I couldn't decide.
I screamed down to him and had to stop as I felt myself up to my chest in the embrace of the warm coils-- I paused here as well. I felt myself up to my chest. I know what feeling yourself up or feeling another person up is, lol. Just sounded odd. Suggest my scream strangled out by the coils of the serpents embrace. Something like that?
I discovered a foot hold and pushed up with my thighs, using all my strength and finished, unsuccessful, gasping for more air. -- suggest deleting out the offsetting commas around unsuccessful. Maybe unsuccessfully?
My head had pushed through to the surface and I was breathing once more. -- suggest comma before and.
Whew! Let me know what you think about this. I hope this was helpful. Overall, none of this really distracted me from the story. Well done!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 05-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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I stopped to give you a thumbs up. This is really stellar stuff. I appreciate your close read of my text. Yours and Dasjianta's suggestions I'm copying and putting in my folder for my later edit. I do that because I don't have the time to devote now for the really meaty suggestions. I just didn't want you to check later and find I hadn't made the suggested changes. I give them CLOSE SCRUTINY, Russell.
Again, thanks.
Comment from write hand blue
A strong, powerful and very well written episode.
Full of action and producing a very good visual, especially the white snake. I can't pretend to understand everything. Couldn't find any nits... ~Mel~
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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A strong, powerful and very well written episode.
Full of action and producing a very good visual, especially the white snake. I can't pretend to understand everything. Couldn't find any nits... ~Mel~
Comment Written 05-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Many thanks, Mel. I'm glad you had a chance to read this. Your being a passenger on this journey has been important to me. Damn! I knew I'd get weepy.
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Hi Jay, it is my pleasure to review your work. I only wish I could repay your extensive and much appreciated technical review.
I have been at it pretty much continuous with my contest entry 'Cross'. Every time I try to learn punctuation, my mind drifts elsewhere. LOL Entries close today so I can move on. Mel
Comment from Loren (7)
Jay, I'm always in awe of your imaginative story line. However, I do have to admit I've struggled understanding it at times. What you manage to do is to bring the characters and their circumstances alive to the reader and in an odd way (that it is Fantasy) make it all believable. That, I think, is a true mark of a great writer. Loren
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Jay, I'm always in awe of your imaginative story line. However, I do have to admit I've struggled understanding it at times. What you manage to do is to bring the characters and their circumstances alive to the reader and in an odd way (that it is Fantasy) make it all believable. That, I think, is a true mark of a great writer. Loren
Comment Written 05-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Glad you enjoyed reading it, even though the meaning flew past. It's the last three or four chapters of a LOOOOOONG trilogy. I'd be surprised if you found it easy to understand. I'm just privileged you are reading it. Thanks.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
Great story. I'm not usually a fan of Fantasy Fiction but this is really good. We're talking Game of Thrones good. Hope to see your work someday on HBO.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Great story. I'm not usually a fan of Fantasy Fiction but this is really good. We're talking Game of Thrones good. Hope to see your work someday on HBO.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2016
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Many thanks, Thomas. I'm pleased you left your comfort zone to read this chapter. Glad you enjoyed it.
