THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 37 "The End of Days?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from Sankey
Hi, old mate. Been a long time since I reviewed your stuff. I can't remember if I still get notices or not. Full drama in this. Sort of reminded me of the Kabeez story from way back in some ways. I am putt8ing together an Acknowledgement List for my Little Dog book nearing publishing time. So I just came by for a quick look.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2018
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Hi, old mate. Been a long time since I reviewed your stuff. I can't remember if I still get notices or not. Full drama in this. Sort of reminded me of the Kabeez story from way back in some ways. I am putt8ing together an Acknowledgement List for my Little Dog book nearing publishing time. So I just came by for a quick look.
Comment Written 13-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2018
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Goodness, Geoff, you did go back a spell. I haven't written any new chapters in the Trining for ages.
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Mikey Cahill has suggested I combine both of my lists in the recent Acknowledgement page in my biography that is nearing publishing...sorry if this is a frepeat..old age and all that but I have a feeling you are older than me ...hehe and just state some have gone some still here as he gave me a heads up on some I said were gone but reckons they are still here. Cheers.
Comment from boxergirl
Sorry to be so late with this review, Jay. But well worth the time to read...your descriptive details providing strong imagery as usual and the tension is felt by the reader ss we hold our breath in anticipation of how it will end...great writing, my friend. :-)
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
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Sorry to be so late with this review, Jay. But well worth the time to read...your descriptive details providing strong imagery as usual and the tension is felt by the reader ss we hold our breath in anticipation of how it will end...great writing, my friend. :-)
Comment Written 31-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2016
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So glad you got to read this, Karen. It stalled after this chapter and the book is on hiatus until I can repair and scrub the corner I have him backed into.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Excellent writing, my friend. Glad I went back to read this. Lots of action in this one. It made the next one make more semde. Great writing, Jay~Debbie
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2016
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Excellent writing, my friend. Glad I went back to read this. Lots of action in this one. It made the next one make more semde. Great writing, Jay~Debbie
Comment Written 03-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2016
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Thanks, Debbie. Yeah, I'm glad you got to read this one. It makes the current chapter more meaningful.
Comment from Sis Cat
"Only Kyre knows how the play ... is going to end."
This is a spectacular chapter, Jay. It took me four days to catch up on reviewing. I am glad I read this.
I wondered what would happen when Axtilla's death becomes known. You provide an explosive answer. I enjoyed how you used tension and release, for example, the interrogation of the guards Gorzi and Hyl leads to Rhuether's violent response. Your use of tension and release is cinematic as in your closing line,
"Rhuether's arm dropped."
I observed many things about this chapter--your verbs, your descriptions, your dialogue. Everything comes together to create a dramatic piece. I am usually not a fan of fantasy writing but I am a fan of fine writing, such as this. I enjoy the places you take my imagination and I appreciate the example that your well-crafted writing provides me.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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"Only Kyre knows how the play ... is going to end."
This is a spectacular chapter, Jay. It took me four days to catch up on reviewing. I am glad I read this.
I wondered what would happen when Axtilla's death becomes known. You provide an explosive answer. I enjoyed how you used tension and release, for example, the interrogation of the guards Gorzi and Hyl leads to Rhuether's violent response. Your use of tension and release is cinematic as in your closing line,
"Rhuether's arm dropped."
I observed many things about this chapter--your verbs, your descriptions, your dialogue. Everything comes together to create a dramatic piece. I am usually not a fan of fantasy writing but I am a fan of fine writing, such as this. I enjoy the places you take my imagination and I appreciate the example that your well-crafted writing provides me.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Andre, you are always so kind and generous. I am THRILLED you enjoyed this chapter. It was difficult to write. I'm building to an exciting (I hope) climax. Thanks again.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
WOW! The intensity of the "Almighty Master's" emotion is overwhelming as you convey it in such visceral description the reader cannot help but feel it through their core. I found no SPAG, but did not expect to. This is a really intense addition and I did not notice the length at all since I was totally absorbed by the action. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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WOW! The intensity of the "Almighty Master's" emotion is overwhelming as you convey it in such visceral description the reader cannot help but feel it through their core. I found no SPAG, but did not expect to. This is a really intense addition and I did not notice the length at all since I was totally absorbed by the action. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Mystic Angel, you are really, really kind and generous. Thanks for your interest in my novel. Just a couple more chapters.
Comment from TKField
Well, I guess the eyes have it. I'll be honest, while I have not been able to completely follow what is going on exactly in the plot of this incredibly complex, multi faceted fantasy (in spite having read nearly every one of the installments), I have found the core of the thing very interesting and original.
With that said, I have rarely come across a piece of fiction so preoccupied with describing facial expressions, the actions and characteristics of everyone's heads and faces and especially their eyes.
This phenomena is so pronounced I sometimes found myself playing a game of "count the eye references", and got so distracted by the endless descriptions of what everyone's eyes were doing, I lost the thread of the story. I started scanning forward, focusing laser-like on the word "eye" itself, which was inevitably just a sentence or two away and tended to jump off the screen like a lake trout. Strangely, after awhile, I got disappointed when things went extended periods (very rare), without an eye or two, squinting or shifting or crying or glancing or staring or snapping etc. This chapter did not let me down...
"One of the two in the front glared at me, his eyes narrowing"
"He reached his right arm back, without taking his eyes off Rhuether"
"who did all he could to keep from making eye contact"
"He flattened his hand on his chest and closed his eyes. Then he opened them. "
"I bent to my left over the armrest to see around Rhuether's back."
"Twin trails of tears followed the contour of Hyl's nose,"
"blond hair whisking back and forth as he stared at the floor"
"his glance lighting on his partner, flickering over to Rhuether and then back"
" I took a step to my left, the better to keep my eyes on the movements of all the guards."
"All eyes were on Rhuether"
"With that, his eyes rolled back"
"Rhuether stared straight ahead"
"all eyes but Gorzi's fixed on Rhuether"
"Gorzi swung his gaze from Hyl to Rhuether"
"Gorzi turned his eyes to me, then back to Rhuether. His eyelids fluttered"
"I watched the small, convulsive movements of his back and the wide-eyed perplexity.."
"his eyes pressed tightly closed, the sockets wet."
"the other stood staring a moment at Rhuether"
"Rhuether's eyes snapped open but didn't seem to focus on anything. Tears glistened on his eyelashes."
"He locked eyes with me. The silver disks of his irises seemed to float above, then dip below, wavering beneath rising tears."
"I was blind. "
"I blinked and fought back tears."
"Two streams poured, unimpeded, over the lower rims of his eyes and dripped off his chin."
"I glanced past Rhuether. Gorzi took Rhuether's inattention to look after Hyl."
"He turned his head to look behind him"
"He brushed the hair off his forehead and tapped him on his cheeks until he opened his eyes. "
"He turned back to me, his eyes slits."
"He gave a questioning glance at Gorzi."
"Rhuether slid his gaze past me"
"He raised his eyebrows to me"
"Gorzi and Hyl leaned, watching"
"I see you don't even want to watch."
"The crossbow didn't waiver as the guard faced me, though his eyes turned to the left to watch Rhuether"
That's 34 separate eye references in just one chapter, and I probably missed a couple. It is not an aberration. Every episode of this tale is so full of eyes and eye references, I feel like an optometrist should figure into the action somehow.... "I am Roger....Roger the Royal Optometrist! Now cover one eye and read this chart".
Ironically, maybe it's because you have a very visual style and an eye (no pun intended), for detail. But if it's not vital to the story and not absolutely crucial to moving it forward as quickly as possible, or symbolic, or metaphorical, or a major theme in some way, too much description and repetitive minutiae can really bog down the proceedings considerably. Do we really need to constantly be told what the characters are doing with their heads, their faces, their hands and especially their eyes in excruciating detail?
I think you have a compelling novel here, but it is being drowned under too much unnecessary description and self-conscious prose flourishes. In other words Jay, you are over-writing this a bit, in my opinion.
I can tell you are good writer ( why bother giving advice to people who can't writer? ), and passionate about this story and its characters and want to flesh them out and make them as three dimensional as possible, but when counting the eye references is more interesting than the story itself, you got a small problem.
Cut out the dead wood and this will be a lean, mean, fantasy machine, hurtling forward at warp speed. For instance, the suspense of the cliffhanger ending was particularly effective. See what eye mean?
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Well, I guess the eyes have it. I'll be honest, while I have not been able to completely follow what is going on exactly in the plot of this incredibly complex, multi faceted fantasy (in spite having read nearly every one of the installments), I have found the core of the thing very interesting and original.
With that said, I have rarely come across a piece of fiction so preoccupied with describing facial expressions, the actions and characteristics of everyone's heads and faces and especially their eyes.
This phenomena is so pronounced I sometimes found myself playing a game of "count the eye references", and got so distracted by the endless descriptions of what everyone's eyes were doing, I lost the thread of the story. I started scanning forward, focusing laser-like on the word "eye" itself, which was inevitably just a sentence or two away and tended to jump off the screen like a lake trout. Strangely, after awhile, I got disappointed when things went extended periods (very rare), without an eye or two, squinting or shifting or crying or glancing or staring or snapping etc. This chapter did not let me down...
"One of the two in the front glared at me, his eyes narrowing"
"He reached his right arm back, without taking his eyes off Rhuether"
"who did all he could to keep from making eye contact"
"He flattened his hand on his chest and closed his eyes. Then he opened them. "
"I bent to my left over the armrest to see around Rhuether's back."
"Twin trails of tears followed the contour of Hyl's nose,"
"blond hair whisking back and forth as he stared at the floor"
"his glance lighting on his partner, flickering over to Rhuether and then back"
" I took a step to my left, the better to keep my eyes on the movements of all the guards."
"All eyes were on Rhuether"
"With that, his eyes rolled back"
"Rhuether stared straight ahead"
"all eyes but Gorzi's fixed on Rhuether"
"Gorzi swung his gaze from Hyl to Rhuether"
"Gorzi turned his eyes to me, then back to Rhuether. His eyelids fluttered"
"I watched the small, convulsive movements of his back and the wide-eyed perplexity.."
"his eyes pressed tightly closed, the sockets wet."
"the other stood staring a moment at Rhuether"
"Rhuether's eyes snapped open but didn't seem to focus on anything. Tears glistened on his eyelashes."
"He locked eyes with me. The silver disks of his irises seemed to float above, then dip below, wavering beneath rising tears."
"I was blind. "
"I blinked and fought back tears."
"Two streams poured, unimpeded, over the lower rims of his eyes and dripped off his chin."
"I glanced past Rhuether. Gorzi took Rhuether's inattention to look after Hyl."
"He turned his head to look behind him"
"He brushed the hair off his forehead and tapped him on his cheeks until he opened his eyes. "
"He turned back to me, his eyes slits."
"He gave a questioning glance at Gorzi."
"Rhuether slid his gaze past me"
"He raised his eyebrows to me"
"Gorzi and Hyl leaned, watching"
"I see you don't even want to watch."
"The crossbow didn't waiver as the guard faced me, though his eyes turned to the left to watch Rhuether"
That's 34 separate eye references in just one chapter, and I probably missed a couple. It is not an aberration. Every episode of this tale is so full of eyes and eye references, I feel like an optometrist should figure into the action somehow.... "I am Roger....Roger the Royal Optometrist! Now cover one eye and read this chart".
Ironically, maybe it's because you have a very visual style and an eye (no pun intended), for detail. But if it's not vital to the story and not absolutely crucial to moving it forward as quickly as possible, or symbolic, or metaphorical, or a major theme in some way, too much description and repetitive minutiae can really bog down the proceedings considerably. Do we really need to constantly be told what the characters are doing with their heads, their faces, their hands and especially their eyes in excruciating detail?
I think you have a compelling novel here, but it is being drowned under too much unnecessary description and self-conscious prose flourishes. In other words Jay, you are over-writing this a bit, in my opinion.
I can tell you are good writer ( why bother giving advice to people who can't writer? ), and passionate about this story and its characters and want to flesh them out and make them as three dimensional as possible, but when counting the eye references is more interesting than the story itself, you got a small problem.
Cut out the dead wood and this will be a lean, mean, fantasy machine, hurtling forward at warp speed. For instance, the suspense of the cliffhanger ending was particularly effective. See what eye mean?
Comment Written 31-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Well ... when you put it that way! Picture me saying it like Jack Benny. Aw, you're too young for that. Anyway, I pasted it in my folder to study it carefully. Thank you for taking the time to give me your impressions and to follow with examples. Very instructive. I say that without totally agreeing with you, but I will study it over. Thanks again, TK.
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Thanks for taking my review in the spirit in which it was given. Like I said...why give advice to bad writers?
I love Jack Benny. I once saw Milton Berle at the Venetian Room at the Fairmont Hotel here in Dallas back in the 70's.
Comment from Reedblitzerman
This chapter is strong. There were times I surfaced, but mostly read continuously, immersed, without stopping. This chapter carried a lot of emotion which made it very effective. Other characters are involved, but it seems it's really about the two brothers; the loss they share, the history. And underneath it all, motion and story.
[He turned to the brawny, prematurely balding man, who did all he could to keep from making eye contact with Rhuether. "Tell him. Tell him what you told me."] wonderful way to express the fear Glnot's subjects feel toward him. A man who's physically powerful yet cowers.
[well, anyway, one of them used his dagger in the garden dirt to write this one's"--he raised a trembling hand and pointed at me--"this one's name."] Excellent plot point, though it's small. Magic has it's limits, yes?
[Slack-mouthed, Rhuether stared straight ahead through the empty space that Hyl had occupied before he fell. Slowly he raised his hands and clamped them over his ears, and he began to shake his head.] excellent visual.
["Axtilla is dead," I said to Rhuether's back, in as gently firm and level a voice as I could muster. ] Didn't see that coming. All stratagems abandoned. He could have left, but emotionally it felt right. We reach out to those who suffer.
["I was blind. You really did love her, didn't you?"] Nice pivot. You switched to dialogue at a perfect place.
["You couldn't endure seeing someone conjoined with me as you had been."] Another pivot and a tantalizing one. So many threads tied to this one statement. Does Glnot remember something that Doctrex does not?
[and you made Mama happy with all the things your magic did for her. You thought I didn't notice that, Pondria? You thought that didn't hurt?"] Oh yeah, pour on the jealousy.
["I killed you once, Brother, and I'll kill you again."] nice quote. Excellent bad guy stuff.
[Only Kyre knows how the play ... I took a breath.] hard working sentence. Excellent cliff hanger ending as well as a tie in to previous chapters.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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This chapter is strong. There were times I surfaced, but mostly read continuously, immersed, without stopping. This chapter carried a lot of emotion which made it very effective. Other characters are involved, but it seems it's really about the two brothers; the loss they share, the history. And underneath it all, motion and story.
[He turned to the brawny, prematurely balding man, who did all he could to keep from making eye contact with Rhuether. "Tell him. Tell him what you told me."] wonderful way to express the fear Glnot's subjects feel toward him. A man who's physically powerful yet cowers.
[well, anyway, one of them used his dagger in the garden dirt to write this one's"--he raised a trembling hand and pointed at me--"this one's name."] Excellent plot point, though it's small. Magic has it's limits, yes?
[Slack-mouthed, Rhuether stared straight ahead through the empty space that Hyl had occupied before he fell. Slowly he raised his hands and clamped them over his ears, and he began to shake his head.] excellent visual.
["Axtilla is dead," I said to Rhuether's back, in as gently firm and level a voice as I could muster. ] Didn't see that coming. All stratagems abandoned. He could have left, but emotionally it felt right. We reach out to those who suffer.
["I was blind. You really did love her, didn't you?"] Nice pivot. You switched to dialogue at a perfect place.
["You couldn't endure seeing someone conjoined with me as you had been."] Another pivot and a tantalizing one. So many threads tied to this one statement. Does Glnot remember something that Doctrex does not?
[and you made Mama happy with all the things your magic did for her. You thought I didn't notice that, Pondria? You thought that didn't hurt?"] Oh yeah, pour on the jealousy.
["I killed you once, Brother, and I'll kill you again."] nice quote. Excellent bad guy stuff.
[Only Kyre knows how the play ... I took a breath.] hard working sentence. Excellent cliff hanger ending as well as a tie in to previous chapters.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Reed, once again, you leave me open-mouthed. Thank you for your in depth analysis. You are one reviewer I don't want to lose. Hang in there.
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Jay. I hope you have been well, my friend.
"Isn't that right, Gorzi?" (You come up with the most interesting names for your characters.)
"an unmistakable smack resounded of flesh-against-flesh" (Ouch! That's one way to get the info.)
"A lot of trouble, Hyl. Don't make it worse. Speak!" (I'd be squealing like a stuck pig by now.)
"With that, his eyes rolled back, and he collapsed in a tangle of limbs." (Cop that, almighty master.)
"and I realized their Almighty Master was quietly, but publicly, sobbing." (Wow! The bugger has feelings.)
" You thought I didn't notice that, Pondria? You thought that didn't hurt?" (Ah, the green eyed monster appears.)
""I thought you'd be manning the bow yourself, brother. Instead, I see you don't even want to watch."( He's either very brave or lost his mind. Perhaps the latter.)
Talk about a powerful ending. Fantastic work and great dialogue and vivid imagery as always. This is one heck of a good book, my friend. In your notes you mention the length. Quite frankly, I love it a bit longer.
Great job.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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G'day Jay. I hope you have been well, my friend.
"Isn't that right, Gorzi?" (You come up with the most interesting names for your characters.)
"an unmistakable smack resounded of flesh-against-flesh" (Ouch! That's one way to get the info.)
"A lot of trouble, Hyl. Don't make it worse. Speak!" (I'd be squealing like a stuck pig by now.)
"With that, his eyes rolled back, and he collapsed in a tangle of limbs." (Cop that, almighty master.)
"and I realized their Almighty Master was quietly, but publicly, sobbing." (Wow! The bugger has feelings.)
" You thought I didn't notice that, Pondria? You thought that didn't hurt?" (Ah, the green eyed monster appears.)
""I thought you'd be manning the bow yourself, brother. Instead, I see you don't even want to watch."( He's either very brave or lost his mind. Perhaps the latter.)
Talk about a powerful ending. Fantastic work and great dialogue and vivid imagery as always. This is one heck of a good book, my friend. In your notes you mention the length. Quite frankly, I love it a bit longer.
Great job.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 31-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Bless you, Fez. I'm glad you like chapters a bit on the longish side. You won't be disappointed then on the next one, LOL. Thank you so much for your kind and generous review.
Comment from Spitfire
You certainly don't leave anything to the reader's imagination. Quite vivid descriptions of all the violent moves.
My favorite line:I ran my tongue over my teeth. They might have been loosened, more than likely were, but they were still mine. LOL
To be honest, I still think this is wordy and some of the sentences too long. Just my opinion, though.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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You certainly don't leave anything to the reader's imagination. Quite vivid descriptions of all the violent moves.
My favorite line:I ran my tongue over my teeth. They might have been loosened, more than likely were, but they were still mine. LOL
To be honest, I still think this is wordy and some of the sentences too long. Just my opinion, though.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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But it's your opinion I want, Shari. We've gone over that, LOL. Thanks for reading. I'm not likely to change the tone of it for the next few (remaining) chapters. The honing down and clipping the wings of my syntax and vocabulary will fall into the final edit. Love ya, girl!
Comment from Ulla
Wow, Jay, I didn't even noticed it was longer than usual. I just read and read and then I was left on a cliff hanger. This was extremely well written. It showed the complex feelings Rheuther goes through and the complex feelings between him and Pondria. So is Kyre planning for Pondria to die enabling him to be with Axtilla in another life? Well, only one way to find out. I'll have to wait for when you post again. Deserves a six, but I have none. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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Wow, Jay, I didn't even noticed it was longer than usual. I just read and read and then I was left on a cliff hanger. This was extremely well written. It showed the complex feelings Rheuther goes through and the complex feelings between him and Pondria. So is Kyre planning for Pondria to die enabling him to be with Axtilla in another life? Well, only one way to find out. I'll have to wait for when you post again. Deserves a six, but I have none. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 29-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2016
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You really made this old dude's day. Thanks for the wonderful and kind review.
