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THE TRINING Book Three

Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Rhuether's Embarrassing Predicament"
JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION

37 total reviews 
Comment from Walter L. Jones
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

It is the dawn, a slowing down will add, for the words dance well on the page, and I have the smile of happy reader, again I am lost in the world created. Walt

 Comment Written 30-Mar-2016


reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    Walt, you can't give me a better compliment than to tell me you get lost in the world I create. Thank you, my dear friend.
Comment from robyn corum
Excellent
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It's funny to me how you portray this powerful man so effectively -- as a man who needs to be bolstered and built up, with no self-confidence about some things. So odd, and so true-to-life. Thanks!

One note:

He glanced at me, popped the fruit in his mouth and shook his head, vigorously."
--> delete the quotation marks at the end, please.

Thanks!

 Comment Written 30-Mar-2016


reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    Much obliged, Robyn. Of all the people who read and reviewed this, including my 3 edit reads before posting, you are the only one who caught that. Thanks for being so alert, and still giving me such a good rating.
Comment from --Turtle.
Excellent
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Hi, Jay, I read through this chapter, getting closer to Doctrex/Pondria getting to see Axtilla... looking forward to that.

my hands together and bent over the blank sheet.

(I am impressed how the simple deadline of having an assignment due caused me much anxiety, such that the relief here that the answer is within reach, that the acceptance of the Doctrex/ Pondria persona confusion has reached a breaking point of acquiescence to allow him to finally get that task done. )

Only much later on[,] did I experience the full-blown memory of
(I think this comma needs to go because of the phrasing of 'did')



the left edge of the tabletop, next to the fruit bowl. (like Christmas morning, the shiny envelops are ready, and with little time to spare!) Rhuether's eyes grazed past them as he pulled up a chair, opposite mine.


bubbling with joy--seeing her so somber--I'm sorry(,) Brother--at
(Missing the vocative comma, he's calling his brother by the name Brother)


So how about this? you said Axtilla has guards, as well.
(I don't know about this... So how about this -- The pause should be enough that you could capitalize the you... as the question isn't even in the following sentence. So how about this? You said .... Only because the 'how about this' idea isn't until after the following setup thought. Maybe consider deleting the So how about this? as it's doubling for the Why not have them... and dialogue can be crisper than the conversational aspect of people throwing duplication out there. Those are my thoughts though, that it is cluttering up the flow of thought in a conversational sort of way, and making for a punctuation that drew my attention and held it there over the content of the dialogue)

Why not have them escort her to my room and then they can stand


He glanced at me, popped the fruit in his mouth and shook his head, vigorously.["] ( delete stray quote mark)


I dared not guess where {was he}(he was)? going with this fractured inquiry and mold(ed) my answer accordingly. {Given the myth of Mojo, I'd promulgated, though, I needed to be cautious.}(I had some trouble with this sentence)


"Why? Are you afraid you won't be able to?"
(I was finding this dialogue deliciously awkward and frustrating. It is so consistent with my impressions of Glnot as an odd duck, and added all sorts of weird, where is he going with this,... thoughts that perked my attention)


both hands. His fingers trembled. After a moment, his head {made a slow movement to the right}(awkward phrasing. what kind of slow movement? a turn? a tilt? reconsider the verb 'made a movement'), and then just as slowly to the left, then increased the

gentle. "Have you ever--Brother(,) have you ever ... had trouble before?" (missing the vocative adressment comma commas.)


body against hers, or[,](--)? or watching the way her eyes glitter
(maybe an emdash to illistrate the stutter of repeating the word, else it looks like just a duplication that might be an accidental retype? )
it's good that she--she--"
(like this, do the or like this for consistency or...or or or--or)


His shoulders suddenly slumped as though the brace of pride that held them up (had) collapsed. "I am worried, Brother."
(I think this might need a 'had')


pre-marital(premarital)? meditations. I hope you remember this: the
(I think premarital might be one word)


{Rhuether's brows raised(,)? and (his)? broad grin flattened the ends of his moustache.} (this sentence made me pause. I think it's wrong... but I can't figure how else to read it other than the way I adjusted it)
my shoulder(,) he pulled me into a hug so our heads moored
(suggest comma)

proud Almighty Master who rendered his subjects to be filled with inchoate terror.

(an odd in a good way contradiction of vulnerability from Glnot, and reminding the reader of him being an awful tyrant to be soon destroyed in the final showdown. I was very glad that the Mojo assignment was completed, and happy with the brief assesment of how the chants would affect Glnot in reference to his position of desiring power. I left this chapter with the lingering impression that maybe a few of those, I noticed them, the back and forth use of calling each other by name. You may have already fixed the few typo glitches I found, It took me awhile to finish my review, got pulled away a few times.)

 Comment Written 30-Mar-2016


reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    Thanks, Turtle for reading this with such attention to detail and for picking up a few oversights. I took care of the comma confusion, and one or two things I?ll save to look over with the next big edit.

    I dared not guess where {was he}(he was)? going with this fractured inquiry. [I think I know why this convoluted subject verb. I started out introspectively with ?Where was he going...? but when I added the ?I dared not? beginning I failed to change the order of the verb subject. That was an embarrassing error ... and now I see I didn?t use ?mold? in the past tense either.

    AGain, you help make my posts shine, and I appreciate you so much1
Comment from Dawn Munro
Excellent
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"I dared not...and mold my answer..." - paragraph 60 (I think) I understand why you were switching verb tense here, though I'm not sure it works. I think I might have stayed with past tense for the whole sentence, or else split that sentence into two...

I feel like a broken record with my reviews of this, so thanks for finally giving me a tidbit I could complain about so I had something new to write. (*grin*!!)

Wonderful, Jay, as always!**********************************************!!! (Saving my last six for someone who doesn't get them nearly as often...with your blessing?) But you KNOW it's exceptional - it ALWAYS is!

 Comment Written 29-Mar-2016


reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
    Dawn, I've said it before, with your generous words of encouragement, you can give all your sixes away to others. I'll look over that tense shift. Thanks for pointing it out. Thanks for just being you.
reply by Dawn Munro on 29-Mar-2016
    You are very welcome. Thank YOU for the compliment, though I really don't have a choice. (LOL) If I did I can think of a few I wouldn't mind trading places with...I think...LOL
Comment from Ulla
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Hi Jay, this is a fine piece of writing and before I knew it, I had come to the end of the chapter. So no worries about the length. It is a fascinating story
'oh, good, good .... So I was being' = 'oh good, good ... so I was being
I love the way you put yourself into the head of Doctrex. I can't wait to read on.
All the best. Ulla:))

 Comment Written 29-Mar-2016


reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    YOu are so generous and kind, Ulla. Thanks for your great review and for your eagle eye.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Excellent
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Can't say I noticed the length. I became engrossed and remained so till the end. The interaction - the dialogue and actions/reactions between these two was very well handled. I'm silently warning Doctrex to be careful - not to slip up - as I'm reading! It's getting down to the wire.

Some considerations:

Only much later () did I experience the full-blown memory of picking up the quill, - suggestion. Not sure you need 'on'

So how about this? (Y)ou said Axtilla has - capitalize the 'Y'

and shook his head, vigorously.() - an errant closing quote at the end of this sentence.

Look forward to the next!

Av

 Comment Written 29-Mar-2016


reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    Made all the corrections, thanks to your astute eye. Thanks for reading.
Comment from Dashjianta
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

Good tempo in the opening scene, with both the dream, and the assignment writing showing the sudden burst of output after his malaise. You handle the conversation which follows as well. The danger of a mistimed smile or smirk is implied by Pondria's caution, and Glnot's insistence the women who came to the palace were volunteers, reminding the reader they're likely anything but.

Now to see if Pondria plans to ambush Glnot at the end of the assignment, or if he and Axtilla will do something before then.

Suggestions:

After finishing so many pages he lost count, he looked up to discover
--Which 'he' is this referring to--dream Pondria, the bird, or dreaming Pondira. I'm assuming the latter and thinking 'he' should be 'I'. (Otherwise how does dreaming Pondria know dream Pondria has lost count?)

Only much later on, did I experience the full-blown memory of picking up the quill
--Do you need the comma? If it was "Much later on, I experienced" I would say yes, but the 'did I' makes me think it shouldn't be there, because the part after the comma isn't a full sentence on its own.

I didn't remember how much time
--'know' might work better than 'remember' here.

I glanced from it to see a neat stack of written sheets on the table(,) and behind it(,) an empty water glass.

all the traits that had been absent in Rhuether
--Delete 'the'. It implies they're the only traits he's missing, which is unlikely.

I cleared my throat and laughed. "Yes,(.) I took in too big a slice."

So how about this? (Y)you said Axtilla has guards

Why not have them escort her to my room(,) and then they

"Her guards will have already escorted her back in (to) her room."

He glanced at me, popped the fruit in his mouth and shook his head, vigorously."
--Delete "

before you begin your assignment(,) and Axtilla and I begin ours.

Given the myth of Mojo, I'd promulgated, though
--Delete first comma.

The blush(,) which had gradually withdrawn beneath his collar, began to rise again
--Or delete the comma that's there.

I tried to keep from smiling but I didn't succeed.
--Delete the second 'I' to avoid the repeat.

concentrating all my attention in digging through the fruit bowl.
--change 'in' to 'on' ?

Then he tried to smile(,) but it was crooked and quickly disappeared.

Rhuether's brows raised and (his?) broad grin flattened the ends of his moustache.
--Also, it should be 'rose' not 'raised', as the present tense would be 'Rhuether's brows rise' not 'Rhuether's brows raise'.

and whose eyes seemed to float here and there about the room.
--Consider changing 'eyes' to gaze to avoid imagery of disembodied eyeballs bobbing about.

You've relieved me(,) Brother.

Already, his eyes had reverted to their steely-silver dryness when he turned and
--Do you need 'already' and 'when' in the same sentence?

 Comment Written 29-Mar-2016


reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    Based on all the corrections I made to improve the post (and it was improved) I think you were too generous with your rating. But who am I to second guess your generosity. Seriously, thanks for everything you did on this.
Comment from Tessa Kay
Excellent
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I can see why you didn't split this chapter. It wasn't too long, anyway. (Have to look up inchoate, vacuous, and fatuous later...)
I liked the nuances of internal struggles and the way Doctrex almost got carried away.

-Placing the water glass on the table, I slipped into the chair, - ok as long as you mean that placing the water glass on the table is happening at the same time as slipping into the chair. Otherwise normal past tense.

-I wish this would happen to me some day. Write, write, write, pages upon pages, and nothing needs editing. Sigh.

-Three sealed assignments held a mystical presence at the left edge of the tabletop, next to the fruit bowl. - I think the sentence would have more punch if you rearrange and put 'mystical presence' to the end.

-separating the orongos down the middle and putting the rounded end of half of it on the table. - too much detail? In my mind I was going along with the rounded end of half of it and found myself distracted from the actual scene.

- jamming a generous segment of orongos in my mouth. - into my mouth?

-So how about this? you said Axtilla has - You (capital Y)

-Axtilla has guards (no comma) as well.

-will have already escorted her back in her room." - back to her room?

-He nodded,(comma) and we ate our fruit in silence.

- shook his head (no comma) vigorously." (delete the rogue speech marks)

-looked again at me,(comma) then away

-across his forehead(no comma) and then rubbed it with the other palm

-seemed to even radiate its heat. - cut 'even'?

-once I'd started describing the wondrous aspects of Axtilla's beauty, my emotions, not to mention my vacuous gazes, I was sure, and fatuous smiles, I no longer personally controlled. - strange sentence construction, making the already complicated contents (vacuous..fatuous) even more complicated. Redo?

- brows raised and broad grin flattened - a broad grin

I enjoyed this chapter. Will be on holiday from next week (four weeks) and not sure what the internet will be like, but I'll try and catch the next chapters. :)

 Comment Written 29-Mar-2016


reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
    Bless you, Missa Tessa. You pulled out all the stops and came up with some goodies for me. I made many of the changes and the post is the better for it.

    I think the sentence would have more punch if you rearrange and put 'mystical presence' to the end. [When you?re right, you?re right! Tried it and it popped! Thanks.


    I?ll look a bit at the strange construction of that sentence with the hundred thousand dollar words. I remember having a devil of a time writing it, and may have just settled.

    Have fun on your holiday!
Comment from Mastery
Excellent
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Hi, my friend. You are right. It is long, but it also was worth it. besides, I should not be one to complain about length of posts. (wink)
As usual from you, Jay...great imagery: Like:

"He drew in a short breath and released it forcefully, filling his cheeks. "Brother ..." Two more short breaths through his nose. "I never asked before. It wasn't important, so I just ..."

And: "His hands, before I asked my question, had rested on the table, his perfectly manicured finger-tips lifting barely enough to clear the surface before sinking back onto it. He blinked a few times, then locked into that space above my head, and his eyes filled.

Also: Dialogue and image: "Unarmed," he repeated, and again oddly tapped his palm in a flutter against his chest, his silver eyes glassy. "Forgive me--so the next time I see you will be after the solitary part of my assignment, when I return to your room to receive the final Mojo--directive?"

Suggestions: "But even that short a sleep was not without a dream, (But even that short sleep wasn't without a dream)

Of course you are going to doas you wish, but I strongly suggest you get rid of all that stuff at the bottom. Just one line to define a character will suffice on this site....trust me. :) Bob

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2016


reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
    thanks for your generosity, Bob. I agree about the contraction. I use them wherever I can. IT reads better with your suggestion. I even agree with you about the Character Index, but I've received many thank-yous for printing it. I've about a half-dozen chapters remaining, so I will keep it for the duration, but it won't be part of the book proposal or e-book.
reply by Mastery on 28-Mar-2016
    Good idea. Bob
Comment from jusylee72
Excellent
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Seems intriguing I would like to continue reading , but I would also like to go back to the beginning to read the rest of the story. Strong characterization. Thank you for writing.

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2016


reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
    Well, thank you for reading. I really appreciate your kind words.