THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Mystery Visitor & the Timid Tailor"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
24 total reviews
Comment from Walter L. Jones
You have no idea how much you have added to this day, thank you, like history weaving up a trail of memory and need, the good writer moves forward and I take a leave from my fight to smile from ear to ear, again thank you, Walt
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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You have no idea how much you have added to this day, thank you, like history weaving up a trail of memory and need, the good writer moves forward and I take a leave from my fight to smile from ear to ear, again thank you, Walt
Comment Written 24-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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I'm thrilled I can bring a smile to your face, Walter. Keep up the good fight, and thanks for the six stars.
Comment from c_lucas
It is not a strong nation where the citizens fear their leaders. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read. There is good imagery.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2015
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It is not a strong nation where the citizens fear their leaders. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read. There is good imagery.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2015
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THanks again, Charlie. So happy you read it and enjoyed it.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from Shirley McLain
Nice chapter, full of tension and movement. It held my interest and I liked your characters. You were very descriptive and it all read very smoothly. Great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Nice chapter, full of tension and movement. It held my interest and I liked your characters. You were very descriptive and it all read very smoothly. Great job. Shirley
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Thank you, Shirley. I'm glad you enjoyed it and hope you will continue to read this novel. You are an asset to me.
Comment from krprice
"General Doctorex? May I come in, sir." You left out the comma before sir.
Good chapter. This is slowly moving toward the meeting with Ghol and a climax. I look forward to the ending.
Karlene
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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"General Doctorex? May I come in, sir." You left out the comma before sir.
Good chapter. This is slowly moving toward the meeting with Ghol and a climax. I look forward to the ending.
Karlene
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Thank you, Karlene. Appreciate the catch. Made the change. LOL, now you can explain to me why you are looking forward to this book being over? Just kidding.
Comment from Sis Cat
I read your author's notes first. They helped clarify the story even though I have read it from the beginning. Thanks for the advice.
Once again, I found this chapter very instructive for my own writing. For the first time, I copied your story to a Word doc and read it there. I found it easier than reading on the screen. It also gave me an idea of chapter length I may use.
The story itself is spectacular. The dressing scene between the tailor and Doctrex was vivid and nuanced. It was also haunting and mysterious. I can see those people and imagine the tailor's discomfort and Doctrex's comfort. The tailor's fear of Almighty Master was well hinted at through gestures and expressions. The tailor did not have to say anything. Doctrex knew. The dressing room secret intrigued me.
I am giving to a six just for instructing me on how to shape a serial book and the length of its chapters. I may use shorter chapters on FanStory just to get the reviews but longer chapters in print. Thanks for the lesson.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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I read your author's notes first. They helped clarify the story even though I have read it from the beginning. Thanks for the advice.
Once again, I found this chapter very instructive for my own writing. For the first time, I copied your story to a Word doc and read it there. I found it easier than reading on the screen. It also gave me an idea of chapter length I may use.
The story itself is spectacular. The dressing scene between the tailor and Doctrex was vivid and nuanced. It was also haunting and mysterious. I can see those people and imagine the tailor's discomfort and Doctrex's comfort. The tailor's fear of Almighty Master was well hinted at through gestures and expressions. The tailor did not have to say anything. Doctrex knew. The dressing room secret intrigued me.
I am giving to a six just for instructing me on how to shape a serial book and the length of its chapters. I may use shorter chapters on FanStory just to get the reviews but longer chapters in print. Thanks for the lesson.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Andre, I sooooo appreciate the six stars. This chapter has had lukewarm success, I believe from the apparent length brought about by the charcter list. I started by putting it in the "text" area instead of in the Author Notes. I was able to use smaller fonts, and matching colors for the character names. Unfortunately it gave the impression that the text was longer. Many people (I included) first check out the length of the scroll bar on the right.
So I moved the character list to the Author Notes. First thing I discovered was I got those stupid (funny paper comics cuss words like ##$^%*& every time I used a comma, quote mark or apostrophe. So I had to use passive voice and other convolutions:(The army of Kabeez instead of Kabeez's army)
I'm about to chuck the whole thing and shorten the chapters.
Sorry for the rant. Thank you so much for your always enthusiastic and encouraging crits. I can't tell you how grateful I am of you.
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Jay, thanks for your example. I conducted a survey this morning of every story I reviewed. Most stories were 1,000 words or less. Even without the author's notes, Previously summary, and character list, your story was the longest at over 2,000 words. The chapter I was about to post is twice your size. Given the average chapter length and the lukewarm reception your chapter received, I may cut mine into half or thirds. What we may have to do is have smaller chapters for FanStory reviews and longer chapters for print. Thank you for your example.
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Absolutely, but remember this! (he says pontifically). It's not how many crits you get. It's how many GOOD, helpful crits you get. That said, the salesman in me always sets my sights for at least 26 with two or more 6 star ratings to get the ATB. Vanity!
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Yes, Jay, it is how many good, helpful crits I get. For me to get twenty-seven reviews, an All Time Best Status, and several six stars cheers me. Thanks.
Comment from JTStone
Writing is always an ambitious undertaking. It requires not just the desire, but so much of the author's time and imagination. I'm glad to see that you possess both. It made this adventure a worthwhile investment of my own time.
I was quickly able to pick up on the distinct feeling that the protagonist wasn't well received in the scene. The doctor not listening, the Spartan room, his mental exercises to recognize the room and other characters. I really appreciated the art you put into the dialog between the general and the tailor.
The dialog made the stand alone element of an excerpted portion of your story flow like a soft landing into another world.
You have a gift my friend...keep writing.
JT
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Writing is always an ambitious undertaking. It requires not just the desire, but so much of the author's time and imagination. I'm glad to see that you possess both. It made this adventure a worthwhile investment of my own time.
I was quickly able to pick up on the distinct feeling that the protagonist wasn't well received in the scene. The doctor not listening, the Spartan room, his mental exercises to recognize the room and other characters. I really appreciated the art you put into the dialog between the general and the tailor.
The dialog made the stand alone element of an excerpted portion of your story flow like a soft landing into another world.
You have a gift my friend...keep writing.
JT
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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JT, you have flat made my day! Thank you so much my friend, not just for the six stars, but also the kind, encouraging words.
Comment from padumachitta
Hey You...thanks for the notes, though I don't need them, I enjoyed reading them as much as the story...
I wonder, I wonder if Doctrx can use the fear for his own good...and really, nothing ever left that room!??? me thinks not.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Hey You...thanks for the notes, though I don't need them, I enjoyed reading them as much as the story...
I wonder, I wonder if Doctrx can use the fear for his own good...and really, nothing ever left that room!??? me thinks not.
padumachitta
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Ha! Thanks so much, Padumachitta. I had so much trouble setting this up and the reception has been lukewarm, not from the responses which have all been kind and helpful, but by the number who I'm sure opened it up, but opted not to read and crit it. I'm going to have to shorten chapters in the future just not to lose my fan base. Again, thank YOU, Padumachitta, for being here for me.
Comment from Naxsc
Very entertaining story. I am able to imagine a full fledged drama made out of this. Movies like Snow white and huntsmen, Conan the barbarian and Your highness flit through my mind. Artistically written. Good command over the language, neatly placed dialogues and zero grammatical errors.
Actually, this time I was not even looking for any errors. Gripped is the word!
I will see if I can take time to read the The Trining previous entries to get a better understanding all through.
Keep writing more!
All the best!
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Very entertaining story. I am able to imagine a full fledged drama made out of this. Movies like Snow white and huntsmen, Conan the barbarian and Your highness flit through my mind. Artistically written. Good command over the language, neatly placed dialogues and zero grammatical errors.
Actually, this time I was not even looking for any errors. Gripped is the word!
I will see if I can take time to read the The Trining previous entries to get a better understanding all through.
Keep writing more!
All the best!
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Oh, I do hope you can, Naxsc. If there is one chapter to read and get the feel for the action in my novel, try to read "Ziltinaur's Bag o' Gifts", Cha. 12, Part II. Here's the link to paste to your browser: http://classic.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=728120. Thanks so much, my friend.
Comment from royowen
I'm sure I have reviewed this before Jay, perhaps my internet was on the blink. I wonder who's the voice at the beginning is? With the lower frequency to it, Glnot Reuther? The poor tailor, he is terrified,, also the officer who tortured and tended Doctrex a while back! Who does think he is? Me? Well done, great story, but different to the others, well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2015
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I'm sure I have reviewed this before Jay, perhaps my internet was on the blink. I wonder who's the voice at the beginning is? With the lower frequency to it, Glnot Reuther? The poor tailor, he is terrified,, also the officer who tortured and tended Doctrex a while back! Who does think he is? Me? Well done, great story, but different to the others, well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2015
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No, you couldn't have reviewed this before. It's the first time it posted. This is a first person POV, Roy. Doctrex doesn't know who the person was because he kept his fool eyes closed. If the story's only filtered through his eyes, and they were closed, how am I supposed to know? I'm hoping he'll have a few answers by next chapter. Thanks, Roy, as always for your support. God Bless.
Comment from Dashjianta
Good chapter, Jay. The opening scene shows Doctrex takign back control of himself, and provides a way of describing his surroundings whilst keeping things interesting. Good encounter with the tailor too. The tailor's hesitancy and fear show how much control and obedience Glnot exerts and expects from his troops. Doctrex's observations and teasing also make what could have been a dull scene entertaining.
(PS. Moving the character list to author notes has messed up the formatting because the notes are plain text only.)
Suggestions:
The cumulative effects of the last five days, had taken their toll
--Delete the comma?
at the mercy of (the?) shifting wind and change of current on my inner life.
--It feels like it's missing something otherwise.
On the outside, things seemed just AND All of my senses seemed
--The repeated 'seemed' stands out. Delete or replace one of them?
not be in a haze.
--You can probably lose the 'be' here, or possibly even the 'be in' without losing meaning.
I kept my eyes closed in concentration. ... I was concentrating on this with my eyes closed
--The repeat of information hurts the flow. Perhaps change the second 'concentrating' to 'focusing/working and ditch the second eyes closed (it can be assumed from what comes before)?
After a moment(,) I said, "I am."
--I think, because 'After a moment' is establishing the pause.
I turned to it. "Yes."
--Should "Yes' be a question?
a ground squirrel who risks (exposing?) only the tip of its twitching nose from
--to tie in with 'from' (don't think that's quite right, but along those lines.)
which he then closed, and he stood facing me,
--Delete the second 'he'
acting (as though he were) not quite sure what he should do.
--Being picky--can you show how he's acting instead?
Even from this distance...
--From some reason (and it's probably my cold, so not something to worry about) I originally read this as his describing what the man's holding rather than wearing, which was a tad confusing.)
then, brushed back the errant strands
--delete the comma?
"If you will(,) sir,
He set the package down, but his expression indicated something troubled him.
--should this be part of the next para so it's with the dialogue which follows?
I thought I recognized panic, that was very near tears.
--Delete the comma?
the sheet away from by(my) legs
"If I could have you open the package for me while I get the blood flowing to my legs.(?)"
--Because you start with 'if'. Same with ["Now, if I might have the uniform bottoms." ] though both can work as statements too.
I didn't speak while he stretched the tape across the broad of my back...
--He forgot to measure neck and wrists. (not hugely important.)
I reached around his shoulder and patted his back.
--put in the next para so it's with Doctrex's dialogue and not the tailor's?
"No, but(,) sir!"
"Listen, nothing of what goes
--Full stop instead of comma after 'listen'? I hear it as having more weight than a comma gives it.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2015
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Good chapter, Jay. The opening scene shows Doctrex takign back control of himself, and provides a way of describing his surroundings whilst keeping things interesting. Good encounter with the tailor too. The tailor's hesitancy and fear show how much control and obedience Glnot exerts and expects from his troops. Doctrex's observations and teasing also make what could have been a dull scene entertaining.
(PS. Moving the character list to author notes has messed up the formatting because the notes are plain text only.)
Suggestions:
The cumulative effects of the last five days, had taken their toll
--Delete the comma?
at the mercy of (the?) shifting wind and change of current on my inner life.
--It feels like it's missing something otherwise.
On the outside, things seemed just AND All of my senses seemed
--The repeated 'seemed' stands out. Delete or replace one of them?
not be in a haze.
--You can probably lose the 'be' here, or possibly even the 'be in' without losing meaning.
I kept my eyes closed in concentration. ... I was concentrating on this with my eyes closed
--The repeat of information hurts the flow. Perhaps change the second 'concentrating' to 'focusing/working and ditch the second eyes closed (it can be assumed from what comes before)?
After a moment(,) I said, "I am."
--I think, because 'After a moment' is establishing the pause.
I turned to it. "Yes."
--Should "Yes' be a question?
a ground squirrel who risks (exposing?) only the tip of its twitching nose from
--to tie in with 'from' (don't think that's quite right, but along those lines.)
which he then closed, and he stood facing me,
--Delete the second 'he'
acting (as though he were) not quite sure what he should do.
--Being picky--can you show how he's acting instead?
Even from this distance...
--From some reason (and it's probably my cold, so not something to worry about) I originally read this as his describing what the man's holding rather than wearing, which was a tad confusing.)
then, brushed back the errant strands
--delete the comma?
"If you will(,) sir,
He set the package down, but his expression indicated something troubled him.
--should this be part of the next para so it's with the dialogue which follows?
I thought I recognized panic, that was very near tears.
--Delete the comma?
the sheet away from by(my) legs
"If I could have you open the package for me while I get the blood flowing to my legs.(?)"
--Because you start with 'if'. Same with ["Now, if I might have the uniform bottoms." ] though both can work as statements too.
I didn't speak while he stretched the tape across the broad of my back...
--He forgot to measure neck and wrists. (not hugely important.)
I reached around his shoulder and patted his back.
--put in the next para so it's with Doctrex's dialogue and not the tailor's?
"No, but(,) sir!"
"Listen, nothing of what goes
--Full stop instead of comma after 'listen'? I hear it as having more weight than a comma gives it.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2015
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THANK YOU, ALEX. I was afraid I pushed this through too quickly. You've proven me right. Such fine catches. I corrected all but one or two. Those I want to think on for a while. I can't thank you enough. You were generous with your five. It shouldn't have been more than a four.
