Comment from Selina Stambi

Excellent

Supreme Colonel .. vile man.

So glad you've got Doctrex back on the road. Make sure you have all your drafts saved in a safe place. :)

This is a complex tale. Wheels within wheels.

A good read, Jay. Well done, sir!

Sonali



died under less-than-honorable circumstances .. the hyphens are probably not required here

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015

Thanks for the advise. I do make sure I back everything up now. Thanks for reading this and staying up with it.

Comment from krprice

Good

I gave you four stars because this one had more miscues that usual.

Check punctuation for compound sentences and words in a series.

Also at my. . . This was. . . I was sure it was to cover. . . (Suggested change)

Jed certainly. . . delete I knew

Delete unnecessary 'that's though I only found one, and it was iffy.

Avoid using saw, heard, smelled. Rewrite.

At one, his face. . . His eyes went. . . change eyes to gaze.

I fanned through. . . found a plain one. . .Suggested change

This was good through.

Karlene

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015

Thank you, Karlene. I'll check it out.

Comment from RPSaxena

Exceptional

Hello Jay Squires,
Interesting piece of Fantasy Fiction!
Wording is simple as well as impressive.
Smooth and captivating flow from the beginning to the end with lively imagery.
Description of persons, places and things is laudable.
The dialogues with proper punctuation marks are catchy and make the theme's spirit crystal clear.
On the whole, it deserves to be honored with SIX STARS!

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015

Bless you, RP. I'm always so tickled when my book touches the reader in deep places.

Comment from Ekim777

Excellent

Forgive me zeroing in. Haven't we been blessed with a wonderful gift. Call it our imaginations; A whole new genre has appeared on the horizon. Call it fantasy writing. I'd have thought our poor old earth is rich in it. I know that when I am steeped in the world of Dostoevsky I have no other place of interest or reality. His world is mine. I imagine your work is popular. Coleridge talks of the willing suspension of disbelief. You have a good eye for detail. -Ekim777

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015

Thank you, my friend. I'm happy you enjoy the detail in this chapter. When it flows it can be a deluge. When it doesn't, I'm tangled in a clutter of unfriendly words. I appreciate your interest in the process.

Comment from Curly Girly

Excellent

This is another well written chapter to your saga. The men have been ambushed and some have died. The medic might deliver a message after which he might commit suicide.
Jay Squires sounds like an English name.
You wrote:
realized / USA spelling
Do you write in UK English or USA?

 Comment Written 10-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 10-Mar-2015

Thanks for the wonderfully kind words. Squires is English. We came over in a rowboat tethered to the back of the Mayflower in 1620. Sorry, I can't help spinning yarns. I live in Bakersfield, CA. So I write in US English, and have been trying to get the Brits to convert. LOL, thanks, Nicole!

Comment from amahra

Excellent

This is a very complex story in the hands of a good writer. Always love the dialogue that is so realistic written.

alongside the other two bodies, [also] wrapped in clean, white sheets.

[Also] at my insistence, [the word, 'also' too close together. How about..." and wrapped in clean, white sheets as well. Then start the next sentence with, "Also etc."] Or something of that nature.

another ... Help me out. [another ... [help]me out.]

It left his face thinner, at the expense of a weaker-seeming mouth and chin. [I like this line; great imagery]

 Comment Written 09-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015

I already answered this once, Ama. But doesn't hurt to thank one as generous as you a second time. I took care of the first also by removing it and adding "as well" at the end. Good eye!

Comment from Donovan

Excellent

You write well, this is a good story and keeps the reader's interest. I think you have given the characters personalities allow us to know them. It flows well. The long character list is almost overwhelming. I think I get trying to post on this site and keeping everyone up to speed, so I am not sure how best to handle that. What you really do well, in my opinion, is you keep the story moving with the dialogue. There are not a lot of discussions for information sake without moving the story. Good job. Doctrex is a real savory guy.

 Comment Written 09-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015

You are the second to mention the Character list. This is the third book in the trilogy. I fought tooth and nail to keep the character list out of it, but finally caved. Only now that it's been in existence for over a year am I hearing rumbling. LOL, but do keep rumbling. That's part of the process. My view is, since its only there as a reference and is otherwise ignored, I can only improve it by alphabetizing it. ON THE OTHER HAND how many readers are thinking of it as a part of the story and (judging whether or not to read by the scroll bar) deciding to pass? I think I'll leave it out for a chapter or two and see if readers grumble (which is different from rumbling). Thanks my friend. You are appreciated.

reply by Donovan on 09-Mar-2015

And I would keep separate lists of the grumblers and the rumblers. Send it to Gen Doctrex..he will know what to do.

Comment from Margaret Snowdon

Excellent

I enjoyed the exchange between the two - flowed so
naturally - the Colonel is a rather excitable chappie.
I loved the description of the writing box - those sort
of things always interest me.

a great chapter - just ignore my suggestions if not in agreement, Jay.



Arklyn Zarbs[,] said, - that comma not needed

His throat made a kind of high-pitched moan. - might I suggest..
A high-pitched moan erupted from his throat OR
A high-pitched sound escaped his throat

No, that would be stupid(,) wouldn't it, Colonel?" - add comma

head was fresh(ly) shaven and polished.

but not all the way to[,] the Plain of Djur - lose comma

"You mean ...(?)" - question


Margaret

 Comment Written 09-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015

Bless you, Margaret. I'll rush in to adverbialize "fresh". The rest I'll attend to, but some are going to be hard to find, like your first one and your last one. All good points! Thank you for reading so closely and lovingly.

Made all the corrections but the one about making the passive sentence active "The high pitched moan..." I'll give that one some thought. I try to stay away from passive construction, but sometimes it seems to work.

Comment from Fridayauthor

Excellent

A very good chapter, Jay. Sorry not to take more time with it but at least I'm still digging out enough time to read and try to keep up to date.

I didn't see anything that really gave me any trouble. Looking forward to seeing where this goes when he gets to the end of his journey.

Thanks!

 Comment Written 09-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015

THanks, Ray. Just glad you stopped by.

Comment from marijmd

Excellent

Attending to the dead and funeral rites are never a happy business - your chapter captures the right amount of solemness for the occasion

Such hospitality! An offer to be bathed. lol

 Comment Written 09-Mar-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Mar-2015

Thank you, Maria. My reviews aren't complete until I get the one from Maria.