THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "FOR THE LOVE OF JED (Pt 1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
24 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
so it's not the end! :-)
i'm so worried the doctor just sees that jed has no chance to make it. i almost wish that you would just kill him already so that he wouldn't suffer any longer, but then agwin, i wish he makes it. poor boy. and i also wonder when doctrex will be taken to rhuetherand what will be with jed then... you charged these last chapter with so much emotion that was lacking before, but it is understandable - before they were in war, there was not much place for that, now you are drowning into doctrex effectively to explore his fears and sentiments. great job and i'm looking forward to the next piece! at least i hope you are not abandoning the story for real, that would be a pity!
and at that moment Garvin came though the opening of the door, // thRough the opening?
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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so it's not the end! :-)
i'm so worried the doctor just sees that jed has no chance to make it. i almost wish that you would just kill him already so that he wouldn't suffer any longer, but then agwin, i wish he makes it. poor boy. and i also wonder when doctrex will be taken to rhuetherand what will be with jed then... you charged these last chapter with so much emotion that was lacking before, but it is understandable - before they were in war, there was not much place for that, now you are drowning into doctrex effectively to explore his fears and sentiments. great job and i'm looking forward to the next piece! at least i hope you are not abandoning the story for real, that would be a pity!
and at that moment Garvin came though the opening of the door, // thRough the opening?
Comment Written 24-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2015
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I'll check on that sentence you mentioned. I'm working on the next chapter daily now, getting into the swing of it, and hope to post it by next week.
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
Almost forgot to give this one a read! A nice chapter, tense (not nail-bitingly tense, but the mood is heightened), and the description is brief but vibrant, painting a very clear picture for me ("dark crater", "A slow smile spread. But before I could respond, it contorted to tight, trembling lips." Excellent). I think it was a neat choice to not describe the sight of his gangrenous wound. Was this because you wanted to avoid subjecting the reader to gruesome imagery or to leave it up to our imagination, potentially making it even worse? Has this become a side project for you? Are you going to finish Eddie and the Boxcar Painter before returning to this full time?
One thing I noted: "amber-colored jell" It's gel you're looking for. Jell is a verb. But aside from that, great work, as ever, Jay.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Almost forgot to give this one a read! A nice chapter, tense (not nail-bitingly tense, but the mood is heightened), and the description is brief but vibrant, painting a very clear picture for me ("dark crater", "A slow smile spread. But before I could respond, it contorted to tight, trembling lips." Excellent). I think it was a neat choice to not describe the sight of his gangrenous wound. Was this because you wanted to avoid subjecting the reader to gruesome imagery or to leave it up to our imagination, potentially making it even worse? Has this become a side project for you? Are you going to finish Eddie and the Boxcar Painter before returning to this full time?
One thing I noted: "amber-colored jell" It's gel you're looking for. Jell is a verb. But aside from that, great work, as ever, Jay.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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I'll be continuing on with this, Sean, but there'll be major announcement posting Saturday. Do try to read it. Thanks for your kind remarks.
Comment from Dashjianta
It is not looking very promising for Jed. The descriptions of his breathing deteriorating, and the pain beginning to overwhelm him are good. As is the helper's reaction to the smell--adds extra realism to the scene. Liked the way Doctrex talked to reassure himself, too.
Suggestions:
I had already been noticing a gradual change in the fine muscles of his face
--What about 'noticed' rather than 'been noticing'?
growing improvement now that we discovered the magic elixir of water.
--I'd go with 'we'd' here, and kill the 'that'. (I know we disagree on this) As an alternative, to avoid the issue altogether, consider. 'growing improvement with the discovery of the magic elixir of water.' or similar, rather than just squishing the 'had'.
I crossed to the front of the bed
--This may be down to my misremembering, but weren't their beds pushed together with Jed facing his. This would put the front of the bed directly against Doctrex's bed (as I interpret it), so he wouldn't be able to stand there.
because he maneuvered his body, so he was facing away from Jed, and continued in such a muted voice,
--do you need the comma before 'so'?
No, thank you(,) sir
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2014
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It is not looking very promising for Jed. The descriptions of his breathing deteriorating, and the pain beginning to overwhelm him are good. As is the helper's reaction to the smell--adds extra realism to the scene. Liked the way Doctrex talked to reassure himself, too.
Suggestions:
I had already been noticing a gradual change in the fine muscles of his face
--What about 'noticed' rather than 'been noticing'?
growing improvement now that we discovered the magic elixir of water.
--I'd go with 'we'd' here, and kill the 'that'. (I know we disagree on this) As an alternative, to avoid the issue altogether, consider. 'growing improvement with the discovery of the magic elixir of water.' or similar, rather than just squishing the 'had'.
I crossed to the front of the bed
--This may be down to my misremembering, but weren't their beds pushed together with Jed facing his. This would put the front of the bed directly against Doctrex's bed (as I interpret it), so he wouldn't be able to stand there.
because he maneuvered his body, so he was facing away from Jed, and continued in such a muted voice,
--do you need the comma before 'so'?
No, thank you(,) sir
Comment Written 30-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2014
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No, I can see the "had" in that sentence, Alex. It's the "that" I have a little trouble with. I'll have to check all these points, particularly the positioning of the beds, but off the top of my head I think you're right. Hey... thanks for the sixer. You were being quite generous, but I'll take it.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Jay
Thank you for your summary of the last several chapters. Held my interest in otherwise I lied your
( I really liked reading what happened)
Gert
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2014
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Hi Jay
Thank you for your summary of the last several chapters. Held my interest in otherwise I lied your
( I really liked reading what happened)
Gert
Comment Written 27-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2014
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You are most welcome, Gert. Yes, after moving away from the Trining and into the Eddie and the Boxcar Painter series, I felt it was good to refresh the returning readers' memories.
Comment from chasennov
THE TRINING Book Three FOR THE LOVE OF JED (Pt 1) This chapter appears to be another excellent rendition of this ongoing saga you have created here, Jay. The story reads smoothly and I found it very interesting. Well done.
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2014
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THE TRINING Book Three FOR THE LOVE OF JED (Pt 1) This chapter appears to be another excellent rendition of this ongoing saga you have created here, Jay. The story reads smoothly and I found it very interesting. Well done.
Comment Written 26-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2014
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Thanks, Chas. I appreciate your attendance here. It'll be a while before I post the next chapter, but be patient.
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You are most welcome. No problems.
Comment from lancellot
Very good. You said a lot from things not written, it added to sense of fear and worry. Makes the reader know exactly what Jed is facing and what was seen under the bandages. Well done.
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2014
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Very good. You said a lot from things not written, it added to sense of fear and worry. Makes the reader know exactly what Jed is facing and what was seen under the bandages. Well done.
Comment Written 26-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2014
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Thank you, Lance. I like that: "said a lot from things not written." There is a word for that which I have been trying to think of for months on top of months. About the time it comes to mind it flutters away. You are very kind, Lance. I value your opinion.
Comment from Writingfundimension
I really could feel what it is like when soldiers become like brothers after facing so much together. There was a lot of tenderness that came through in this very moving chapter, Jay. I'm glad to see you back posting chapters.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2014
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I really could feel what it is like when soldiers become like brothers after facing so much together. There was a lot of tenderness that came through in this very moving chapter, Jay. I'm glad to see you back posting chapters.
:) Bev
Comment Written 26-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2014
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Thank you, Bev. They'll be few and far between on the Trining series, though, since I have to rewrite each one from scratch. But, be patient. THanks as always for your kindness.
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You're very welcome, Jay. :) Bev
Comment from thee-name
Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Keep up the good writing.
AN HOUR, PERHAPS LONGER, HAD PASSED, AND ABOUT A QUARTER OF THE CANTEEN HAD TRANSFERRED INTO JED'S EAGER LIPS.
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2014
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Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Keep up the good writing.
AN HOUR, PERHAPS LONGER, HAD PASSED, AND ABOUT A QUARTER OF THE CANTEEN HAD TRANSFERRED INTO JED'S EAGER LIPS.
Comment Written 26-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 26-Dec-2014
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Thank you for reading and your kind words.
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THANK YOU!
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Excellent scene. Very well written. I can tell that Doctrex cares personally for Jed and that Garvin knows Jed's condition is very serious. Doctrex doesn't want to hear that, but he'll have to. Still, looks like Jed will pull through, even though they may have to amputate a gangrenous limb. Just guessing, of course. :)
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2014
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Excellent scene. Very well written. I can tell that Doctrex cares personally for Jed and that Garvin knows Jed's condition is very serious. Doctrex doesn't want to hear that, but he'll have to. Still, looks like Jed will pull through, even though they may have to amputate a gangrenous limb. Just guessing, of course. :)
Comment Written 25-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2014
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I was wondering what to have them talk about. That would certainly be a good subject. Thanks for reading, Phyllis and for your input. I truly am blessed by your attendance.
Comment from boxergirl
Doctrex and Garvin are trying hard to save Jeb but he is not looking too good. Good job of describing the stench that was emitting from his wounds.
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2014
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Doctrex and Garvin are trying hard to save Jeb but he is not looking too good. Good job of describing the stench that was emitting from his wounds.
Comment Written 25-Dec-2014
reply by the author on 25-Dec-2014
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What a nice Christmas gift--the stench of Jed's wound! Thanks, Karen, for enduring that and reading this chapter. They will be spread farther apart now that I have to rewrite each chapter from scratch.
