<3 " thoughtscapes" by Noni <3
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Hurt"A book of poetry, quotes and short stories
4 total reviews
Comment from Jade Lawson
Hi, I enjoyed reading this piece and you conveyed your inner feelings very well. But you might get lower rates because you posted this piece under a script. I would advise you to change to a short story and chose the category diary and letters for instance, just a thought.
I think this is a wonderful piece that could be developed into a story. The girl is obviously hurt and she reaches for the music to overcome her pain.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2013
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Hi, I enjoyed reading this piece and you conveyed your inner feelings very well. But you might get lower rates because you posted this piece under a script. I would advise you to change to a short story and chose the category diary and letters for instance, just a thought.
I think this is a wonderful piece that could be developed into a story. The girl is obviously hurt and she reaches for the music to overcome her pain.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2013
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Thank you Angel, I am so new to this site and not sure of the many things this site offers. But your thoughts are correct...I will keep this in mind next time I post, I appreciate your input, thank you so much...
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You're welcome. If you need any help, just ask.
Comment from Spitfire
This qualifies as a character sketch, but not a script which be written with dialogue as in a scene in a movie or on stage.
Since you new to the site, let me get you some tips.
Skip a space between paragraphs for easier reading.
Watch out for redundancy: long endless summers- just one of the adjectives would suffice.
times of loneliness, tears and frustrations --this is telling, not showing. You do mention broken dreams, but could be more specific.
because she was invisible -- so is she a ghost? Or she just FEEL invisible.
Great choice of song to reinforce her loneliness.
Not sure what mistakes she is talking about at the end.
The last line draws the reader into her struggles, but you really need to flesh this out with details.
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2013
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This qualifies as a character sketch, but not a script which be written with dialogue as in a scene in a movie or on stage.
Since you new to the site, let me get you some tips.
Skip a space between paragraphs for easier reading.
Watch out for redundancy: long endless summers- just one of the adjectives would suffice.
times of loneliness, tears and frustrations --this is telling, not showing. You do mention broken dreams, but could be more specific.
because she was invisible -- so is she a ghost? Or she just FEEL invisible.
Great choice of song to reinforce her loneliness.
Not sure what mistakes she is talking about at the end.
The last line draws the reader into her struggles, but you really need to flesh this out with details.
Comment Written 01-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2013
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Thank you, I am really new at this, I've never considered myself a writer or a critic. I will take your comments into consideration next time. I appreciate the time you took for reading and writing back.
Comment from rvictoriab
I would like to see more to this piece. The concept, though not necessarily original, is interesting and easy to relate to. There are a couple of punctuation errors, i.e., girl's and the unnecessary commas where an 'and' would suffice in the second sentence. Intriguing opening, with the potential to draw readers in.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2013
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I would like to see more to this piece. The concept, though not necessarily original, is interesting and easy to relate to. There are a couple of punctuation errors, i.e., girl's and the unnecessary commas where an 'and' would suffice in the second sentence. Intriguing opening, with the potential to draw readers in.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2013
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Thank you for your feedback, that's why I like this site.
Comment from denhagan
This was an interesting short story to read about a young girls' unhappiness when she was a preteen in the sixties. She has learned to depend more on herself through time, but she still remembers the past.
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2013
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This was an interesting short story to read about a young girls' unhappiness when she was a preteen in the sixties. She has learned to depend more on herself through time, but she still remembers the past.
Comment Written 30-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2013
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Thank you so much, I appreciate you taking the time to read this very short story...
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You're welcome,
Dennis