Little Billy
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Jealousy!!"memiors from my life experiences.
15 total reviews
Comment from eclecticjules
OH! I loved this! At first I thought it would be predictable, but you totally surprised me! How wonderful! You have captured the essence of the short story, so much punch with so few words. I did notice however, two mistakes in the following sentence, "The memory of yesterday is so clear its like your still there only this time I long to see you." it's and you're
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2010
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OH! I loved this! At first I thought it would be predictable, but you totally surprised me! How wonderful! You have captured the essence of the short story, so much punch with so few words. I did notice however, two mistakes in the following sentence, "The memory of yesterday is so clear its like your still there only this time I long to see you." it's and you're
Comment Written 30-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 30-Nov-2010
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thank you
Comment from sizemore0409
Holy smokes! What a story! The flow was awesome; and it gripped my mind and my heart, right from the beginning, straight to its explosively abrupt ending. Very well-crafted --- just a superb job! My thanks go out to the author for the exceptionally enjoyable read!
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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Holy smokes! What a story! The flow was awesome; and it gripped my mind and my heart, right from the beginning, straight to its explosively abrupt ending. Very well-crafted --- just a superb job! My thanks go out to the author for the exceptionally enjoyable read!
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from sweetthanesue
That story was great for your first attempt at fiction. your descriptive words about the feelings and emotions are good as was the short story plot. was a little shocked at the outcome but jeolousy is a bad negative feeling which can drive good people insane if not kept in check. well done.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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That story was great for your first attempt at fiction. your descriptive words about the feelings and emotions are good as was the short story plot. was a little shocked at the outcome but jeolousy is a bad negative feeling which can drive good people insane if not kept in check. well done.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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thank you for the kind review and the stars.
Comment from Judian James
Hi there. The ending was good. I had thought she died until the "double-barreled shotgun" which not only was a complete surprise (you offed her) but also made the story not believable as the beginning paragraphs set the reader up for an ending that would be unbelievably messy ... at that close range, I think you'd blow her head off and the entire room would be splattered with blood and brains!
Something to consider. Also, a few typos: "It did matter; it means everything" "means" should be "meant" as you are now speaking in the past tense. "but there was to many pieces missing" should be "were too" instead of "was to"
"I could hear you together with someone else" "together" is not necessary. "I could hear you with someone else"
And finally, I found this confusing: "Moaning and heavy breathing the sound of pure torment" She should not be sounding as if she's in "pure torment" YOU are the one in "pure torment" hearing her sounds! Just some thoughts.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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Hi there. The ending was good. I had thought she died until the "double-barreled shotgun" which not only was a complete surprise (you offed her) but also made the story not believable as the beginning paragraphs set the reader up for an ending that would be unbelievably messy ... at that close range, I think you'd blow her head off and the entire room would be splattered with blood and brains!
Something to consider. Also, a few typos: "It did matter; it means everything" "means" should be "meant" as you are now speaking in the past tense. "but there was to many pieces missing" should be "were too" instead of "was to"
"I could hear you together with someone else" "together" is not necessary. "I could hear you with someone else"
And finally, I found this confusing: "Moaning and heavy breathing the sound of pure torment" She should not be sounding as if she's in "pure torment" YOU are the one in "pure torment" hearing her sounds! Just some thoughts.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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thank you corrections made.
Comment from write hand blue
I enjoyed reading your short story........The way it buiids up to the climax at the end made the story.......a well written story.....I award 5 stars......
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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I enjoyed reading your short story........The way it buiids up to the climax at the end made the story.......a well written story.....I award 5 stars......
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Matoshka
Jealously can cripple a person and cloud their thinking. This is so well written and the story just flowed with just ease. I could see his suspicions overriding good sense. How he drove home and found her bed with someone else and he shot her. This was an excellent story, I enjoyed reading it very much. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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Jealously can cripple a person and cloud their thinking. This is so well written and the story just flowed with just ease. I could see his suspicions overriding good sense. How he drove home and found her bed with someone else and he shot her. This was an excellent story, I enjoyed reading it very much. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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Thank you for taking the time to read it and for the kind review.
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You are so welcome and Blessings.
Comment from Belinda
Oh wow ... see how far jealousy can lead someone to. This is a good first attempt at fiction, and very fitting as an entry to the contest. Interesting story. (Btw do you think crazy jealous is the right combination of words as both are adjective?)
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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Oh wow ... see how far jealousy can lead someone to. This is a good first attempt at fiction, and very fitting as an entry to the contest. Interesting story. (Btw do you think crazy jealous is the right combination of words as both are adjective?)
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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i dont know i will have to think on that one. thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from Gooloom
Was it worth shooting a dishonest two timing woman? I am supposed to comment on your story, which is well written and suits the sentence of the contest. I think it is fiction, as no one can write about such a sad incident so deliberately as you have done! You have style, perception and good description abilities,plus fluent words. But I can't help commenting that no one should be tempted to commit the crime of murder for a faithless partner, and spend the rest of one's life inthe death chamber or "for life" in a prison! Is it worth it? Gooloom
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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Was it worth shooting a dishonest two timing woman? I am supposed to comment on your story, which is well written and suits the sentence of the contest. I think it is fiction, as no one can write about such a sad incident so deliberately as you have done! You have style, perception and good description abilities,plus fluent words. But I can't help commenting that no one should be tempted to commit the crime of murder for a faithless partner, and spend the rest of one's life inthe death chamber or "for life" in a prison! Is it worth it? Gooloom
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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yes you are correct but I thought to make it more dramatic that murder was a good ending. Thanks for the review and the stars.
Comment from gudbjorg
The story of so many in today's society where jealousy is rife and hatred flurries.
If people had more compassion and love for each other we wouldn't have these kind of account's.
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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The story of so many in today's society where jealousy is rife and hatred flurries.
If people had more compassion and love for each other we wouldn't have these kind of account's.
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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this is true. good comment thanks.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great first attempt at fiction. i enjoyed reading it up to the very end. i wish you thte best of luck in the contest
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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this is very well written with good form and good flow, a great first attempt at fiction. i enjoyed reading it up to the very end. i wish you thte best of luck in the contest
Comment Written 29-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 29-Nov-2010
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thanks sweetwoodjax you are too kind. i ran it through a grammer checker and got a 59% oh well thanks.