Tantalizing Eyes
Viewing comments for Chapter 41 "Chapter 11; part 3"Dishonesty VS Love. Which will win?
65 total reviews
Comment from Nicnac
I don't blame Steven for being angry and hurt. I wish he had stayed to hear her explanation though. I'm dying to find out why she did that. (LOL)
Leya needs to come clean with everything and be honest and open with Steven before she pushes him away for good. (Which could be good for me - then he'd be mine. All mine) ;)
I'm happy to be returning to this story. I've missed Steven. I had to re-read a couple of chapters to refresh my mind.
No suggestions.
Nic
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2010
  |
I don't blame Steven for being angry and hurt. I wish he had stayed to hear her explanation though. I'm dying to find out why she did that. (LOL)
Leya needs to come clean with everything and be honest and open with Steven before she pushes him away for good. (Which could be good for me - then he'd be mine. All mine) ;)
I'm happy to be returning to this story. I've missed Steven. I had to re-read a couple of chapters to refresh my mind.
No suggestions.
Nic
Comment Written 03-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2010
-
Thank you for reviewing my chapter. I have so missed you.
-
You're welcome, my friend. I've missed you too!
Comment from empire76
My one question after this chapter is, why is Steven so upset?
Without telling us what's going through his mind, I just feel like he's over-reacting. So my only suggestion here is to be heavier on emotion. First the worry that something is wrong, then the thoughts he's having when he overhears the conversation. Before he blows up.
E
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
|
My one question after this chapter is, why is Steven so upset?
Without telling us what's going through his mind, I just feel like he's over-reacting. So my only suggestion here is to be heavier on emotion. First the worry that something is wrong, then the thoughts he's having when he overhears the conversation. Before he blows up.
E
Comment Written 24-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2010
-
I will reconsider working that out. I thought he said he was upset because he thought Leya was using him. I don't want to go into too much because it's all explained in the next chapter.
-
Yes he says Leya was using him, but like I said I don't see where he's coming from. Perhaps you can give an idea and then more detail in the next chapter. If you have more readers who feel Steven is overreacting then they won't like him and the detailed explanation later on may still be taken with a pinch of salt. That just me, of course. If no one else has made the same comment then you could just leave it the way it is
-
From the first chapter when Leya lied to him and then the following chapters when Leya attempted to seduce him, and then someone relaying information to the drug cartels all plays into this. It has been building since chapter one.
Comment from Mengleoh67
Thank God I got behind in my reviewing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great pace, good interaction, fabulous building of tensions... must read on now, sorry
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
|
Thank God I got behind in my reviewing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Great pace, good interaction, fabulous building of tensions... must read on now, sorry
Comment Written 21-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2010
-
Wow, you were one reading machine. Thank you.
Comment from Metal Head
So, we're up to chapter 41, and I reckon I've read about a third of these. This story has the ability to drag me back from time to time to see how things are progressing.
A few things I noticed.
The doctor replied, "Don't worry about the postage Wrong word here. The doctor can't reply because he wasn't asked anything. Maybe you could try something like "Don't worry about the postage," he offered. "I'll bill etc..."
As the doctor turned toward the door, Steven took some money from his jeans pocket and handed it to the doctor. Use of 'doctor' twice is distracting. You could simply substitute the second 'doctor' for 'him'.
He turned to leave as he threw a chocolate caramel candy bar and a slip of paper to the floor. This lines seems clumsy to me. You could maybe tidy it up by saying something like... As he turned to leave he threw a chocolate caramel candy bar and slip of paper to the floor. "Man, I'm a sucker."
Leya ran after him. As I understand it Steven hasn't left the room yet. Leya ran to him maybe.
He slammed the front door hard enough the window broke and an alarm went off. Again, to me, this is a bit messy. He slammed the front door hard enough to break a window and set off an alarm.
Matt procured another helicopter for Steven. When the helicopter landed, Steven ran to Leya's bedroom, stood in the doorway, and listened, as Leya asked the doctor, "Could you mail this documentation that confirms I'm no longer a virgin to these addresses?"
Different points of view here, and I wondered why Leya was conducting her personal business with the doctor while her door was open. The POV conflict comes from the paragraph starting off with Steven's POV before changing to Leya's.
As I said at the start, this story has piqued my interest enough to want to re-visit from time to time.
Regards
Michael D
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
 |
So, we're up to chapter 41, and I reckon I've read about a third of these. This story has the ability to drag me back from time to time to see how things are progressing.
A few things I noticed.
The doctor replied, "Don't worry about the postage Wrong word here. The doctor can't reply because he wasn't asked anything. Maybe you could try something like "Don't worry about the postage," he offered. "I'll bill etc..."
As the doctor turned toward the door, Steven took some money from his jeans pocket and handed it to the doctor. Use of 'doctor' twice is distracting. You could simply substitute the second 'doctor' for 'him'.
He turned to leave as he threw a chocolate caramel candy bar and a slip of paper to the floor. This lines seems clumsy to me. You could maybe tidy it up by saying something like... As he turned to leave he threw a chocolate caramel candy bar and slip of paper to the floor. "Man, I'm a sucker."
Leya ran after him. As I understand it Steven hasn't left the room yet. Leya ran to him maybe.
He slammed the front door hard enough the window broke and an alarm went off. Again, to me, this is a bit messy. He slammed the front door hard enough to break a window and set off an alarm.
Matt procured another helicopter for Steven. When the helicopter landed, Steven ran to Leya's bedroom, stood in the doorway, and listened, as Leya asked the doctor, "Could you mail this documentation that confirms I'm no longer a virgin to these addresses?"
Different points of view here, and I wondered why Leya was conducting her personal business with the doctor while her door was open. The POV conflict comes from the paragraph starting off with Steven's POV before changing to Leya's.
As I said at the start, this story has piqued my interest enough to want to re-visit from time to time.
Regards
Michael D
Comment Written 07-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
-
Different points of view here, and I wondered why Leya was conducting her personal business with the doctor while her door was open. The POV conflict comes from the paragraph starting off with Steven's POV before changing to Leya's (This is not a change of POV, that's why I had Steven standing in the doorway when Leya was speaking, so Steven could hear so it would still be in his POV)
As for the rest of your suggestions, I will make the changes they are very good. Thank you for your review.
Comment from anabelle
Ah! The world spins with another lie, or another lie from omission. Very nicely done with this chapter. The writing's tight and the emotions are strong. What is Steven thinking? Why did Leya send these papers to her family and ex-fiance?
I'll look forward to hearing the answers.
Regards, anabelle
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
|
Ah! The world spins with another lie, or another lie from omission. Very nicely done with this chapter. The writing's tight and the emotions are strong. What is Steven thinking? Why did Leya send these papers to her family and ex-fiance?
I'll look forward to hearing the answers.
Regards, anabelle
Comment Written 07-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review and continues support. I appreciate both.
Comment from dragonqueen1983
relationships are always so complecated. you have a well written chapter here. i really like the way this story has evolved. well done
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
|
relationships are always so complecated. you have a well written chapter here. i really like the way this story has evolved. well done
Comment Written 07-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your review.
Comment from InHisownwrite
Love this read... very clear, very precise, and very intriquing...I like the pictures you paint in my mind...
as well as your characters... you make me want to continue reading....no wonder it's Recognized and an All Time Best..
LIke it alot.. Bryan
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
|
Love this read... very clear, very precise, and very intriquing...I like the pictures you paint in my mind...
as well as your characters... you make me want to continue reading....no wonder it's Recognized and an All Time Best..
LIke it alot.. Bryan
Comment Written 07-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind words.
Comment from daniela.albu
Although this is the first chapter I read and I did not followed this book from the beginning, I must note the concise style, the dialogues that flow naturally and the power of the author to draw a character with few lines and suggestions.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
|
Although this is the first chapter I read and I did not followed this book from the beginning, I must note the concise style, the dialogues that flow naturally and the power of the author to draw a character with few lines and suggestions.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Donna Thompson
no errors noted as it was a great piece to read and very nicely thought out. great sense of getting reader to feel the emotion Leya feels toward the end and great chapter overall
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
|
no errors noted as it was a great piece to read and very nicely thought out. great sense of getting reader to feel the emotion Leya feels toward the end and great chapter overall
Comment Written 07-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Sharkey
This is well written and having read several other chapters, this flows well with the rest of the story.
Good job, I would only suggest that if this is the entire chapter, it might work better a little longer.
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
|
This is well written and having read several other chapters, this flows well with the rest of the story.
Good job, I would only suggest that if this is the entire chapter, it might work better a little longer.
Comment Written 07-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2010
-
This is the end of chapter 11. There is a total of three parts to it. Thank you for your kind review.