I am dying
What it feels like to know one is dying.20 total reviews
Comment from Lady & Louis
Alvin,
I am only belatedly seeing this, and seeing what you are going through saddens me immensely. I don't presume to offer advice - and from reading the reviews, and your responses, it seems to me you are finding your path. As others have said, it is knowing the timeframe for what awaits us all that throws us. I, too, am of a mind to say "Stuff Creamed Wheat!" and live, rather than exist, for what time remains on this side of the veil.
All I can offer is to say - you are a warrior, my friend, and I think you will live this phase of your life as brightly as ever. For a phase it is, and only the introduction to the rest of it.
Blessings upon you, Alvin.
Love,
Louise
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2008
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Alvin,
I am only belatedly seeing this, and seeing what you are going through saddens me immensely. I don't presume to offer advice - and from reading the reviews, and your responses, it seems to me you are finding your path. As others have said, it is knowing the timeframe for what awaits us all that throws us. I, too, am of a mind to say "Stuff Creamed Wheat!" and live, rather than exist, for what time remains on this side of the veil.
All I can offer is to say - you are a warrior, my friend, and I think you will live this phase of your life as brightly as ever. For a phase it is, and only the introduction to the rest of it.
Blessings upon you, Alvin.
Love,
Louise
Comment Written 17-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 17-Dec-2008
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What you wrote meant the world to me. I cannot until my last dying breath stop fighting. G-d would want me to do no less. Until G-d calls me home, I will do G-d's work. Not to sound egotistical, but I have done so much already. I can do more.
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Yes, my friend, and I see from your more recent poems that you are still doing so - more power to you!
Blessings,
Louise
Comment from Allezw2
Master ATE,
Now that is a riveting opening.
It is also saddening, for the loss of a lifetime of insights and experience, for the loss of the expression of a point of view on a current event of interest.
We will all face this time. Some will quote and try to emulate Dylan Thomas' words, while others will simply acknowledge their fate.
Free will engenders an obligation doesn't it?
"Fair winds and a following sea, fellow voyager".
Wayne
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Master ATE,
Now that is a riveting opening.
It is also saddening, for the loss of a lifetime of insights and experience, for the loss of the expression of a point of view on a current event of interest.
We will all face this time. Some will quote and try to emulate Dylan Thomas' words, while others will simply acknowledge their fate.
Free will engenders an obligation doesn't it?
"Fair winds and a following sea, fellow voyager".
Wayne
Comment Written 09-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2008
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Thanks for a very understanding review.
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You're quite welcome, of course.
Comment from Mrs. KT
Dear Friend,
I have so missed hearing from you as I have seldom been on the site this autumn and have only submitted a few offerings since September. In fact, I just now went to search your name to read your latest offering, and here I am...
Oh, Alvin, I am heartsick. Words are so inadequate; quite ironic, isn't it? I know very little about your condition, but I know a great deal about the man, the writer, and friend I have come to know during the past two years. I have no doubt that your decision to live with gusto and dignity is the best decision you can make. Know for a certainty that I support your decision and the true courage it entails.
I have been struggling, myself, with the specter of cancer, and this week I will undergo a second endometrial biopsy to determine what the problem is and where its source is. Ovarian cancer has been ruled out, so that is comforting to know.
My dear friend, know also that my prayers and thoughts are with you. You have lifted my spirits so many times and validated my abilities as a writer more often than you can possibly know. I am a better writer, but more importantly, a better person because of your friendship.
Be Well, Alvin...
diane
Dearest Alvin:
I am honored and humbled beyond measure. There is so little that I can do, but across time, distance, and circumstances, know that I am here for you, I care deeply. And know also, that I have dedicated my latest offering, "Starlit Night of Wonder, Still," to you. I do so with the greatest admiration and yes, love, as well...
My Friend, please keep me posted and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you...
diane
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2008
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Dear Friend,
I have so missed hearing from you as I have seldom been on the site this autumn and have only submitted a few offerings since September. In fact, I just now went to search your name to read your latest offering, and here I am...
Oh, Alvin, I am heartsick. Words are so inadequate; quite ironic, isn't it? I know very little about your condition, but I know a great deal about the man, the writer, and friend I have come to know during the past two years. I have no doubt that your decision to live with gusto and dignity is the best decision you can make. Know for a certainty that I support your decision and the true courage it entails.
I have been struggling, myself, with the specter of cancer, and this week I will undergo a second endometrial biopsy to determine what the problem is and where its source is. Ovarian cancer has been ruled out, so that is comforting to know.
My dear friend, know also that my prayers and thoughts are with you. You have lifted my spirits so many times and validated my abilities as a writer more often than you can possibly know. I am a better writer, but more importantly, a better person because of your friendship.
Be Well, Alvin...
diane
Dearest Alvin:
I am honored and humbled beyond measure. There is so little that I can do, but across time, distance, and circumstances, know that I am here for you, I care deeply. And know also, that I have dedicated my latest offering, "Starlit Night of Wonder, Still," to you. I do so with the greatest admiration and yes, love, as well...
My Friend, please keep me posted and know that my thoughts and prayers are with you...
diane
Comment Written 07-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2008
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You are far too kind. You have taught me so much. My chosen career was as a college professor, not a writer, but I found I loved working for myself more. You not only taught me how to be a better writer, but a better man. Although I have never met you, I feel something akin to "love" for you.
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My Dear Alvin,
Comment from JeffreyStone
Alvin:
I am dying too. It may be this year, this month or twenty years from now, but I too am dying. But you know what I inted to do until I die? I intend to make the best of it, to do everything I want to do do that I possibly can. I don't blame anyone else because I am dying; I don't blame God or any divine being. I am so glad that I have lived on this earth, gone through trials and tribulations, experienced success, suffered failures. What a miracle to be, and to have been a part of all this miraculous creation. I hope I have many more years to appreciate it. If I don't. I thank God for what I have had. I will not dane to offer spiritual advice to you. Look to yourself for the strengths you need to enjoy the next one, two three or ten years you have left. Best Regars, JeffreyStone
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2008
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Alvin:
I am dying too. It may be this year, this month or twenty years from now, but I too am dying. But you know what I inted to do until I die? I intend to make the best of it, to do everything I want to do do that I possibly can. I don't blame anyone else because I am dying; I don't blame God or any divine being. I am so glad that I have lived on this earth, gone through trials and tribulations, experienced success, suffered failures. What a miracle to be, and to have been a part of all this miraculous creation. I hope I have many more years to appreciate it. If I don't. I thank God for what I have had. I will not dane to offer spiritual advice to you. Look to yourself for the strengths you need to enjoy the next one, two three or ten years you have left. Best Regars, JeffreyStone
Comment Written 06-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2008
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You have given some very good advice (seriously) and I thank you for it.
Comment from adewpearl
Alvin, advice is not mine to give about another's life and how to live it. I think I would be tempted to go for the shorter time lived the way that made life worthwhile for me.
I guess it depends on how much doctors wanted to restrict me.
If they told me I just had to eat more veggies and less chocolate, I'd go with dietary restrictions, but if they told me I was buying 7 extra years by taking treatments that disabled me and fatigued me and left me mentally less alert, I'd tell them to shove it.
I am sorry you are facing such a choice. I wish I had better words to express that. I hope you keep writing creatively and producing a body of work that fulfills you no matter how long you have.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2008
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Alvin, advice is not mine to give about another's life and how to live it. I think I would be tempted to go for the shorter time lived the way that made life worthwhile for me.
I guess it depends on how much doctors wanted to restrict me.
If they told me I just had to eat more veggies and less chocolate, I'd go with dietary restrictions, but if they told me I was buying 7 extra years by taking treatments that disabled me and fatigued me and left me mentally less alert, I'd tell them to shove it.
I am sorry you are facing such a choice. I wish I had better words to express that. I hope you keep writing creatively and producing a body of work that fulfills you no matter how long you have.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2008
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Your advice is the same choice I have made. It gives me hope. Thank you.
Comment from tony bronk
I'm just very sorry to hear that you are left with such a difficult decision to make. If I were in your position (which,) I sort of am,I would take the doctors advice for, I am going to have to get quite a significant and serious surgery soon or, I too would die without it and, I must sacrifice some of my pleasures in life following the surgery, in order to live a longer and happy life.I am not ready to say goodbye to those whom I love and are so special to me. Plus, I love writing, painting abstracts and, a good red wine once or twice a week! Not everything pleasurable in life is bad for one and, each day of thinking, feeling, and being surrounded by and, watching and appreciating others whom I love makes my living worth any sacrifice but, I'm not aware or informed of all of your relationships and loves in life so, when it comes right down to it, I have no right to tell you what to do with that in mind. I just know that the world and those who appreciate your good writing would be missing you. Your friend. Tony
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2008
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I'm just very sorry to hear that you are left with such a difficult decision to make. If I were in your position (which,) I sort of am,I would take the doctors advice for, I am going to have to get quite a significant and serious surgery soon or, I too would die without it and, I must sacrifice some of my pleasures in life following the surgery, in order to live a longer and happy life.I am not ready to say goodbye to those whom I love and are so special to me. Plus, I love writing, painting abstracts and, a good red wine once or twice a week! Not everything pleasurable in life is bad for one and, each day of thinking, feeling, and being surrounded by and, watching and appreciating others whom I love makes my living worth any sacrifice but, I'm not aware or informed of all of your relationships and loves in life so, when it comes right down to it, I have no right to tell you what to do with that in mind. I just know that the world and those who appreciate your good writing would be missing you. Your friend. Tony
Comment Written 05-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2008
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You are extremely kind, and I shall keep you in my prayers. Thank you for such an understanding review. I had a lover for 20 years.
Comment from EllieKaye
Alvin,
You were one of the first welcoming reviewers when my work first appeared here on FS. As I told another writer on the site (wirenut), after he recommended I read your police brutality essay, (which I have not yet done,) I hold you in high esteem.
I am the last one to tell you how to handle this.
I am both afraid (terrified) and excited for the time when it is my turn, but you are faced with it prematurely, and the unfairness of that would anger me as well.
I have no advice that will help you. All I have is an understanding of your anger, and a love and respect for your work.
If you need a vacation, or a place to escape, you have a friend in Florida with a guest room. Really.
Laura/
EllieKaye
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2008
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Alvin,
You were one of the first welcoming reviewers when my work first appeared here on FS. As I told another writer on the site (wirenut), after he recommended I read your police brutality essay, (which I have not yet done,) I hold you in high esteem.
I am the last one to tell you how to handle this.
I am both afraid (terrified) and excited for the time when it is my turn, but you are faced with it prematurely, and the unfairness of that would anger me as well.
I have no advice that will help you. All I have is an understanding of your anger, and a love and respect for your work.
If you need a vacation, or a place to escape, you have a friend in Florida with a guest room. Really.
Laura/
EllieKaye
Comment Written 05-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2008
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You are more than kind, but I need to stay in CA and fight. They just outlawed gay marriage here. IF well-to-do upper class men with a background of nobility from Europe don't fight, who will? I know I am dying. But with every inch of my soul, I will fight for the lowest common denominator of society until the Lord calls me home. I am sure you understand.
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I do. I just wanted to reach out. I just want you to know you are highly valued by many who have never met you, me included. Your soul on this strange place has made a difference, and from what it sounds like, it still continues to do so.
Go fight, man!
:)LE
Comment from Scarlettdreams
OMG! Alvin, this is so so sad, and I find myself at a loss for words. My only advice is to live each day you have left to the fullest. I think that is what I would do.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2008
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OMG! Alvin, this is so so sad, and I find myself at a loss for words. My only advice is to live each day you have left to the fullest. I think that is what I would do.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2008
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And that is exactly what I am doing. You are very wise.
Comment from tteach
I am so sorry! My advice...live life. That's what it's for. The decision that you are being asked to make is painful, and it's one that ONLY you can make. Do you do what you love, until you can no longer do it, or lie in bed and do nothing? Wow. What is life? Is it doing nothing, or doing what you love?
I would hate to have to make such a decision. I will keep you in my thoughts.
terry
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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I am so sorry! My advice...live life. That's what it's for. The decision that you are being asked to make is painful, and it's one that ONLY you can make. Do you do what you love, until you can no longer do it, or lie in bed and do nothing? Wow. What is life? Is it doing nothing, or doing what you love?
I would hate to have to make such a decision. I will keep you in my thoughts.
terry
Comment Written 03-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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I have made my decision. I have done too much (especially for gay and lesbian people ) to stop; I shall not do what God has called me to do. Thanks for a great decision.
Comment from rama devi
Oh Alvin, I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but happy to hear that you are pursuing avenues of understanding how to deal with this imminent event )true for all of us). I work with the dying in a hospital, alhough the approach is much different in India. May I humbly recommend three books on this subject you might find useful and inspirational? First one is called
The Tibetan book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche.
Secondly, another old one, is called "ON Death And Dying" by Steven Levine. There is another wonderful book by Eknath Easwaran entitled Death and Dying. Another book is The Grace in Dying, but I forgot the name of the author off hand and can email it to you from yahoo, you have ,my address.
Oh yes, books by Elizabeth Kubler Ross are also highly recommended.
Dying is not moving towards darkness, but towards light.
This may sound like a platitude, but I just consider it a truth, a simple truth. The Tibetan Buddhists practice dying every day, to be prepared for that great event.
It is blessing to be prepared and not scared. And God may also choose to keep you longer than you think. Maybe you can continue lectures and still live ten years. Doctors do not know EVERYTHING....and inner attitude plays the most important role in every aspect of both healing and dying. I hope I do not sound like lecturing, it is just that this subject is close to my heart and experience. Please read my poem THE ART OF DYING when you get time.
Love and light,
rama devi
Prayers for your peace of mind no matter what!
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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Oh Alvin, I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but happy to hear that you are pursuing avenues of understanding how to deal with this imminent event )true for all of us). I work with the dying in a hospital, alhough the approach is much different in India. May I humbly recommend three books on this subject you might find useful and inspirational? First one is called
The Tibetan book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche.
Secondly, another old one, is called "ON Death And Dying" by Steven Levine. There is another wonderful book by Eknath Easwaran entitled Death and Dying. Another book is The Grace in Dying, but I forgot the name of the author off hand and can email it to you from yahoo, you have ,my address.
Oh yes, books by Elizabeth Kubler Ross are also highly recommended.
Dying is not moving towards darkness, but towards light.
This may sound like a platitude, but I just consider it a truth, a simple truth. The Tibetan Buddhists practice dying every day, to be prepared for that great event.
It is blessing to be prepared and not scared. And God may also choose to keep you longer than you think. Maybe you can continue lectures and still live ten years. Doctors do not know EVERYTHING....and inner attitude plays the most important role in every aspect of both healing and dying. I hope I do not sound like lecturing, it is just that this subject is close to my heart and experience. Please read my poem THE ART OF DYING when you get time.
Love and light,
rama devi
Prayers for your peace of mind no matter what!
Comment Written 03-Dec-2008
reply by the author on 03-Dec-2008
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I just reviewed your poem. It made me feel much better. Maybe I was just meant to be a Buddhist! The flow is good, and the metaphor of death is sustained throughout.